Just Don't Look Back
by Fated-Shadows
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Just Don't Look Back**  
Chapter:** 01**  
Rating: **R**  
Genre:** Angst/romance**  
Pairing:** YamixYugi**  
Warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence**  
Spoilers:** None.**  
Summary: **Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**Disclaimer:** Yugioh continues to not belong to me.

**Note 7/24/10:** Due to ff dot net deciding it doesn't want to let us use any sort of divider other than its horizontal rule, I'm in the process of going through and replacing the line breaks.

* * *

The neighborhood was unfamiliar, and Yugi was completely lost. It was Jounouchi's fault, he was the one who insisted they had to stop for a snack, ("to celebrate making it through the first day back after summer break!" he had claimed) on the way home, and had to take a short cut. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal…if Jounouchi wasn't completely lost too.

"No, I swear, the road we want should be right around here."

"I am never letting you pick where we stop again," Yugi said. "I wanted go straight home, but no, we just had to go wander around part of the city that we know nothing about…"

"Quiet, I'm trying to concentrate." Jounouchi was drawing a make-shift map on his arm, studying it intently.

"Concentrate on what, getting us _more _lost?"

"If we ever figure out how to get home I'm never covering for you when you're late to Homeroom again–"

Deep in what looked to be a promising argument, Yugi almost didn't hear the soft _shakuhachi _music or voice to his left saying, "Spare change?"

"Oh, well in that case I– huh?" Yugi stopped and looked to his side.

The words weren't what made him stop. The housing situation in Domino had deteriorated as the economy slowed, and the population of homeless had been steadily growing. It was impossible to wander around too much without seeing a panhandler. No, it wasn't the question that got his attention. It was the voice.

Most of the homeless were drunks or drug addicts, with raspy voices and deadened eyes that hinted at their stories. However, this one was different. The voice was not marred by years of alcohol or cigarette smoke, nor was it broken like the voices of those who had given up on humanity. It was a gentle rumble, smooth and calm and yet just expressive enough to catch Yugi's attention.

And when he saw the person it belonged to, he could only stare.

He was a young man, probably not much older than himself. Shabby clothes hung off a bony frame as he sat with his back against a building. Beside him was a metal, basket-style cart with a padlock to hold the lid closed, filled with odds and ends. He held a _shakuhachi_ flute and a small bucket sat in front of him with coins and bills in it. His hair was the first thing Yugi noticed, and he couldn't help staring even though he knew it was rude. This boy's hair looked almost just like his own. It was just as spiky, with a similar unusual coloring. He had wrestled it back into a ponytail for the warm, late-summer day, but Yugi could tell that if set free it would be almost a copy of his own.

Yugi's first thought, after the surprise, was that the voice couldn't possibly belong to this person, until he finally stopped focusing on his hair and saw his eyes. And suddenly he knew without question that they must go together. The stranger's eyes were red, dark and deep. They were eyes that would definitely belong to that voice.

"Spare change? Anything helps," the young man said again, leaning forward and meeting Yugi's eyes. His voice was definitely the one Yugi had stopped for.

His eyes lightened when the sun hit them. Now they were a softer, richer color. Yugi was captivated.

"C'mon Yug, I definitely know how to find the street, I've got it right this time." Jounouchi capped his pen, grabbed Yugi's arm, and pulled him away.

"Didn't you see that homeless person?" Yugi asked.

Jounouchi glanced back. "Yeah, how could I not, he's practically your doppelganger." He ruffled Yugi's hair.

Yugi shook his bangs out of the way and continued to press the point. "Don't you think it's weird that he's here? He must be near our age. I've never seen him around town before or in school."

"What's the big deal? There're thousands of homeless people around._ I _was nearly one once. That big housing development was knocked down recently, the economy's gone to hell, and refugees from that earthquake down south are still showing up to mooch. It's nothing new. Now let's go, I'm starving…"

Yugi swallowed and glanced back. He saw the young man watching them go. His eyes weren't bright anymore. There was a strange fierceness in his expression, and Yugi got the feeling that even though this young man was homeless and panhandling, he still had pride. And he had obviously heard what Jounouchi said about mooching.

"Hang on Jounouchi," Yugi said, hurrying back towards the stranger and opening his backpack as he did, digging through the pouches till he found a few bills, and held them out. "Here…I hope this helps you. I'm sorry about what my friend said. He's sort of blunt sometimes, he didn't mean it."

The young man looked at the proffered money for a moment, and then up at Yugi, and suddenly smiled. Yugi was shocked into silence again. The smile had transformed his whole face.

"Thanks," he said, his tone softening, taking the bills. "I appreciate it."

"It's no problem." Yugi lingered for a moment, wanting to say more, wanting to ask why the young man was all alone here, did he have a home, where was his family, what even was his _name_…

"Yugi! What are you doing?" Jounouchi called.

"Um, well, I have to go…um…have a good day," Yugi said, turning and jogging off. Behind him he heard the flute music begin again. This time he didn't look back.

* * *

_It must be somewhere around here…_ "Ow!" Yugi gasped and winced as he tripped over a raised piece of broken concrete and glared down at the gap in the sidewalk.

It was late afternoon, the day after he and Jounouchi's disastrous attempt at finding a short cut. He had spent the last hour trying to re-trace their steps to the street where the flute-playing panhandler had been. There was nobody with him this time, and without Jounouchi's help he was finding it difficult to get lost in the same place. He knew he was in the right part of town, it had to be nearby…

Yugi couldn't say exactly why he'd come back. Only that the night before he hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been thinking of the young stranger. Lying in bed staring out his window and wondering if _he _was sleeping. Where he was. If he was cold or scared or alone. Yugi never paid much attention to homelessness before, even considering Jounouchi's past. But seeing that boy who looked so much like himself, and seeing those eyes, and the way his expression lit up when he smiled…it made it more real to him. He was used to thinking of every drifter as a loser, a bum, someone to maybe give some change to and then ignore. Because he always thought, if someone really tried, they wouldn't have ended up begging, and most of the panhandlers spent their money on narcotics and beer anyway. But this young man…he looked alert and smelled only of sweat and road dust; there was no reek of alcohol or paranoid gaze of a drug addict.

Here was someone different, someone innocent perhaps. Someone who couldn't be much older than Yugi himself. Yet, Yugi was falling asleep in a nice bed with warm covers in a house that he could take shelter in anytime he wanted, comfortably full of dinner cooked by his family.

What about the stranger? Where was his bed? His warmth? His shelter? His family? Did he even have any?

Unable to rest, Yugi felt that he had to learn more. He had to at least meet the boy again and learn his story. Which, he told himself, was why he'd returned to this part of town, trying to find the street, just hoping that maybe the boy would be in the same area. It was just curiosity.

He saw a flash of red, black, and blond in the distance and his heart leapt. _There _he was. The stranger was sitting nearby where he had been the day before, except today he'd chosen a slightly sunnier spot and his hair was free, just as spiky as Yugi had suspected. Yugi broke into a stride.

"Hey, it's you again," the young man said, pausing in his music as he spotted Yugi.

"Yeah, it's me." Yugi smiled at him.

The stranger glanced around. "So what brings you back here? Where's your friend?"

"I didn't bring him this time. Yesterday we were trying to find a diner and got lost. Today I just came…to see you."

The boy was puzzled. "See me?"

"Yeah. I wanted to talk to you some more." Feeling shy, Yugi studied his feet. "Like…what's your name? Where are you from? Where is your family?"

Almost the moment he asked, he wished he hadn't. The stranger's expression had darkened, and he lowered his head to hide his eyes. For a moment his body seemed to tense up.

"I…I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business, I shouldn't have asked." Yugi took a step back.

"No…it's fine," the boy said, taking a deep breath. His body relaxed. "No shame in asking a question." He shrugged and was quiet. Yugi decided to take the lead, sat down next to him against the building, and said, "So what is your name?"

The young man was quiet for a moment, as if struggling with something, but finally spoke. "It's Yami." He inclined his head, shifting the flute to one hand and held out the other to Yugi. When Yugi took it he could feel calluses and scars marring the skin.

"Mine's Yugi," he replied, shaking his hand and bowing back.

"Yugi," he said, as if sampling the name. "So…what did you want to talk about?"

"I don't know, anything you want."

"Okay. Um…have you lived in this town your whole life?" Yami asked.

"Yeah, I was born here."

"Your family?"

"They live here too. Well, my dad's an overseas businessman, so he's gone a lot…" Somehow, what had started as a mission to learn more about Yami turned into Yugi telling the strange boy his _own _life story. Yami was remarkably good at avoiding talking about himself. Anytime Yugi tried, Yami would just ask another question and Yugi felt obligated to answer. His parents had drilled basic manners into his head ever since he was a toddler.

"Yami, how long have you lived here?"

"Not long. You go to a nearby high school, don't you? I've seen that uniform around."

"Well…yeah, Domino High…" And again Yami had pulled a 180 and somehow Yugi was the subject of the questions again.

He couldn't say he really minded though. With a willing audience it was easy to talk about himself, and Yami seemed genuinely interested. He played a few songs for Yugi on the _shakuhachi_ and Yugi was thrilled when his story of an ill-fated cultural festival – his one and only attempt at playing an instrument – earned a laugh. When he was laughing, Yami seemed less like someone to pity and more like any other teen.

The sun was starting to set when Yami leaned back against the building and said, almost to himself, "This was a nice afternoon."

Yugi blinked, looked around, and jumped to his feet. How had he not noticed the time? "Oh no…I'm sorry Yami, I have to go. My mom's going to be furious with me," he said, grabbing his backpack. He was already several strides away when he turned. "Hey…Yami?"

Yami, who had slouched down, shot upright. "Huh?"

"Will you be here tomorrow?"

"…You want to come back?" Yami asked.

"Yeah." He nodded, pulling the straps of his bag over his arms. "So, will you?"

Yami was quiet for a little while. Then, slowly, as if he had to get used to the words before he could say them he replied, "Sure…I will be."

Yugi smiled. "Cool. See you!" He waved once and took off at a jog.

Back alongside the building, Yami slouched again and drew his knees to his chest. He wasn't smiling.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Anybody out there remember how back at the end of _A Requiem for Innocence_ I said I wanted to do a super long angsty Puzzleshippy fic? Anyone remember that? Eh, that fic was posted ages ago…I understand if nobody recalls it. But anyway, that long angsty fic I threatened to do? You're looking at it. x3 This fic has been in the works for, literally, years. I can't even begin to count the number of plot changes it's gone through. I've reused some plot devices that I was unable to use to full justice in fics in the past. To say I'm excited to start posting this and to see what people think of the final product is an understatement. I'm psyched. I'm also so terrified that I'm shaking and am having a difficult time breathing normally. (Ah, the joy of writing. Makes me wonder what would happen if/when I get published and do a book signing. I'll probably keel clean over. Hopefully someone nice will come along and prop me back up. xD)

A big shout out to Micah for being a most awesome beta and helping this fic reach its full potential!

Most importantly of all, this is an AU which means as far as the storyline is concerned, there are no restrictions. Everyone grab your favorite food and comfy blankets; I hope you'll stick around for the ride, and I'll do my best to make it worth your while. n.n


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Just Don't Look Back**  
Chapter:** 02**  
Rating: **R**  
Genre:** Angst/romance**  
Pairing:** YamixYugi**  
Warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence**  
Spoilers:** None.**  
Summary: **Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.**  
**

* * *

For the rest of the week and the next, Yugi came by each day to visit Yami. Yami didn't seem to mind, and he soon knew everything there was to know about Yugi, but he never did answer any of Yugi's questions about his past. Eventually Yugi stopped asking, and would ask about his interests and things of that sort instead. They discovered a common interest in games, as well as common tastes in music. Yami told him about how he made up all the tunes he could play on the _shakuhachi_, but never memorized them so that they changed every time. And although he never talked about his past, Yugi was able to piece a little of it together. Yami hadn't always been homeless, because he'd mentioned having a bedroom as a young boy, and he had also mentioned parents once, before growing silent.

He would do that at times, suddenly go silent and gaze down at the street, looking withdrawn. When that happened, Yugi would quickly change the subject and talk about himself. He discovered that Yami enjoyed hearing Yugi talk about his life. He wasn't sure why, but whenever Yugi would talk about anything, even just what he did at school that day, Yami would watch him with true interest sparkling in his ever-changing eyes.

Still, in spite of the happiness his new friend brought to him, there was something that bothered Yugi. Yami seemed to spend every day alone. The other homeless had people who they would spend the day shooting the breeze with, but every day Yami was by himself and nobody except Yugi came to visit him. Yugi decided to do something about it, and he found the perfect opening when, during lunch one day, Honda said, "What've you been up to the last few weeks, Yugi? You've been going missing after school lately."

Yugi straightened up. "Well…a little while back Jounouchi and I met this interesting person. Remember, the guy we saw with the flute?"

Jounouchi, through a mouthful of food, said, "Mm hmn. Looked jus' like you. Wha' abou' him?"

"I've been going back to visit him after school."

"To visit who?" Anzu asked.

"A homeless person we met a few weeks ago," Yugi explained. "His name is Yami."

"You've been hanging out with some random bum?" Honda asked. Yugi frowned at his tone.

"It's not like that, he isn't some 'random bum.' He's nice. He's around our age. And he happens to be very clean-cut for someone who is begging…why are you looking at me like that?"

All three of his friends were eyeing him with concern.

"Yug, doesn't it seem a little…risky?" Jounouchi asked, pulling open a bag of chips.

"What's risky?"

"Spending time with a stranger. Alone. He's obviously a drop-out, we've never seen him in school."

"He told me he only moved here recently. He may have graduated from a school wherever he lived last."

"I don't know…"

Yugi narrowed his eyes. "Jounouchi, what are you saying?"

Anzu intervened. "I'm sure he's been nice to you, but you have to admit it's unusual to be spending so much time with someone you don't know that well. And it is kind of risky."

Yugi shook his head. "There's no risk. He's been perfectly nice to me. I would be able to tell if I was in any danger."

Honda wasn't as diplomatic as Anzu. "Yugi, he's homeless. He's probably a drop-out, maybe even a criminal. He might try to hurt or rob you."

"No, he won't. He would have by now if that was his plan."

"How do you know?"

Yugi glared, starting to feel annoyed at their lack of confidence in his judgment of character. "I…I don't know. I just feel like it's okay."

"Maybe," Anzu said tentatively, "but you do have a tendency to give people chances that maybe you shouldn't. Are you sure that you aren't just overlooking the danger because you like the idea that you're helping him?"

"Last time I checked, it was a good thing that I gave people chances," Yugi said, jabbing his finger in Jounouchi and Honda's direction. "Where do you think you two would be if I had never stuck around?"

Jounouchi shifted uncomfortably. "Look Yugi, we're just worried, that's all. You'd be on our cases if you thought we were hanging around someone dangerous."

"He isn't dangerous! And I'll give you a chance to see for yourself," Yugi replied, folding his arms. "Because I want you to come and meet him. We'll get together on nice neutral ground, you can talk to him, and everyone leaves happy."

The three of them exchanged glances.

"Please? If you'd just meet him, then you could see he's completely normal and you could become friends with him too." Yugi paused. "He always seems happy when I'm around, but he looks so sad the rest of the time. I think if he had some more people to call friends he might cheer up."

"I guess it wouldn't hurt," Anzu decided. "If you like him, there's no harm in getting to know him."

"Thanks Anzu," Yugi said. "Jounouchi, Honda, you coming?"

They shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Yugi beamed. "You won't be sorry."

* * *

That afternoon he confirmed the plans with his friends and headed for Yami's section of town. He paused on the corner as he rounded a building and saw Yami in the distance. He smiled, watching him play the flute, but his smile faded when Yami set the instrument down, stretched, and leaned back against the wall. His shoulders drooped and his expression was clouded. Yugi fought back the urge to run over and ask what was wrong – he had done that several days before and only succeeded in startling Yami and causing him to stammer for the next twenty minutes. He consoled himself with the knowledge that after today Yami wouldn't have to look so sad.

"Hi Yami!" he called and waved, walking over. Yami straightened up and his expression cleared.

"Hi Yugi."

"How are you?"

"Can't complain," Yami said, looking up into his eager face, and asking, somewhat hesitantly, "How are you?"

"I'm great," Yugi said. "Want to know why?"

"Sure."

"I talked to my friends today and they all want to meet you," Yugi said happily. "So I told them we'd meet them at the diner down the street."

Yami bit his lip. "Er..."

Some of his cheerfulness drained away at Yami's less-than-excited reaction. "What's the matter?"

"I…I'm just not the most sociable person. It's not very often I hang out with others."

Yugi sat down beside him. "But it'll be alright, it's just a few of my friends, and I'll be there."

Yami still looked uncomfortable. Yugi reached out, touching his arm. "Look, if it's really a big deal you don't have to come. I just figured, since we're friends now, it would be cool if you met my other friends, and got to know them…but it's up to you."

He was doing his best to stay upbeat, but Yami could hear the disappointment in his voice. He put his money in his pocket, slipped the flute inside a bag in his cart, and locked the cart to a post. "Alright, let's go."

"Really?"

He smiled and stood up, holding his hand out to Yugi. "Sure."

"Great!" Yugi took his hand and pulled himself upright. "Just follow me, it's not far."

Ten minutes later Yugi stopped in front of the door to a small diner on the corner of an intersection and held it open for Yami, who ducked as he stepped inside, despite the doorframe being well above his height. Yugi followed him in and looked around the crowded room. Every single table was full, and the room buzzed with chatter. Yami stiffened and looked slightly pale.

Yugi, concerned, took his arm and led him toward Anzu, Jounouchi, and Honda, whom were all sitting nervously around a booth. Anzu and Honda looked startled. Jounouchi leaned over and hissed, "See, I told you they looked alike."

"Yami, these are my friends, Anzu, Honda, and you've met Jounouchi. Guys, this is Yami," Yugi said, giving them a look that said they had better be polite.

Yami took a tentative step forward, his eyes darting around the room as if he expected to be attacked. "Um…hi," he said distractedly.

"Hi Yami," Anzu said, taking the lead. "Want to sit down?"

"No, thanks…I'm fine standing," he said, eyeing the booth as if it might bite.

Yugi's friends weren't sure what to say next. It felt awkward to conduct a conversation when the person they were talking to was standing apart from them. Yugi, however, gave them a prompting glance. They exchanged uncomfortable looks and Anzu nudged Honda.

"Ow…er, so Yami…where are you from?" Honda asked. "Yugi said you moved here."

Yami shifted his weight, staring toward the door. "South."

Honda glanced at Jounouchi, who shrugged. Anzu was doing her best to continue to look welcoming, but her smile was starting to falter. Yugi sighed. This wasn't going well at all. He wasn't sure what to make of Yami's suddenly-strange attitude but wished there was a way to snap him out of it. He was supposed to be making a good impression, and this was anything but good! He was about to suggest getting them drinks, (surely having something to hold and stir would be better than stiff silence), when off in the distance came a sudden screech. Yugi looked up in time to see a sports car run a red light at the intersection outside and slam into the side of a pick-up truck. Large plywood crates in the back of the truck toppled, a few crashing over the side and to the ground. Within seconds the occupants of both vehicles were out and shouting at each other in the middle of the street.

At the sound of the crash, Yami felt his heart swoop in his chest. The world blurred in front of his eyes. Everyone else in the diner, including Yugi's friends, jumped to their feet and crowded around the windows for a better look.

"It looks like the people are okay," Anzu reported.

Yugi, who hadn't bothered to risk being trampled, nodded where he stood, back by the table. "I'm glad nobody was hurt. That's good, huh Yami?" he said, in an attempt to include him back into the conversation.

Yami couldn't hear him.

_Crashing…_

Strange, how it sounded so much like the sound of the world falling apart around him. So similar, even after all these years.

_Make the crashing stop…_

"Yami? Are you okay?"

_The sound of the building giving out, the screams of his classmates…he clamped his hands over his ears, but he couldn't block out the shrieks or the rending of metal or the sick terror in his chest. He felt something hit his left shoulder and throw him to the floor, and a bolt of pain tore through his arm. He opened his mouth to scream, but all the air had been knocked from his lungs._

"Yami!"

_Make it stop!_

"Make the crashing stop…" he mumbled aloud, his knees giving out.

"Yami?" Yugi caught him, pushing him down onto one of the booth seats before he could hit the floor.

"What's going on?" Jounouchi asked, turning around and walking back over curiously.

"I don't know, something's wrong…Yami?"

Slowly, Yami lifted his head. His body was rigid. His eyes filled with fear, he pushed himself upright and winced at the sight of the wall. Whipping his head around, he searched desperately for an exit and spotted the door.

"Yami, are you– hey!"

"I'm sorry," he mumbled as he shoved Yugi aside and sprinted for the door. Yugi stared after him, shocked.

"What was that all about?" Honda asked, breaking the silence.

Yugi shook his head and began walking. "I don't know. Feel free to head home, guys."

"Wait, where are you going?" Anzu called.

"I have to see if he's okay." Yugi shoved the door open and ran off down the sidewalk.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Even after running this by my beta I'm...still less-than-pleased with this chapter. I'm really happy with the next chapter though, so I think it all evens out in the end. xD;  
Happy second day of autumn, because I was at work/school all day yesterday and had no time for updating on the first day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 03  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

Yami was already leaning against the building when Yugi, panting, caught up with him. He had his head tilted back, his eyes trained on the sky. Before Yugi could speak, he said, "So how much of a freak do your friends think I am?"

"They don't think you're a freak," Yugi said, moving to stand beside him.

Sighing, Yami turned toward him. "Then they must be the most understanding people in the world. If I saw someone act the way I did, I would think they were a freak. I'm sorry…you went through all the trouble to set this up and I made the worst possible impression."

"It's okay, it's not your fault."

"Your friends seemed like really nice people."

"They are. I'm sure we can do this again sometime, they'll understand once I explain."

This was supposed to be Yami's cue to explain what happened so that Yugi would be able to explain it, but Yami remained silent. Finally, Yugi said, "So…are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay…I'm glad. You had us…me…really worried. I didn't know if it was some kind of seizure, or if you needed medicine, or what I was supposed to do…"

"I'm fine. There was nothing you could do."

"Are you sure? I felt like I was being so useless, there must have been something–"

"There was nothing. It happened because I have claustrophobia."

Yugi fell silent, taking that in. "So, you mean you can't even go inside a building? Why didn't you tell me? We could have met in the park or something."

He shook his head. "Normally I can. I can handle elevators and things, as long as I'm not already anxious I'm fine, but I don't _like_ them. It's worse when there are a lot of people around me. Everything starts to spin and it's as if there's no air in the room. And if I'm already stressed out, and get thrown into a situation like that…" He waved one hand expansively. "Well, you saw what can happen."

"But…what about the car crash?" Yugi asked. "You mumbled something about it."  
_  
Damn it_, Yami thought. _He heard that?_

"I…well…a sudden loud crashing noise didn't exactly help the situation out."

Yugi frowned. _He's lying. There must be more to it._

And then it hit him with a pang of sadness that even if he pried, Yami most likely wouldn't answer. Why not? They were friends, weren't they? So why did Yami insist on being so evasive?

Suddenly, Yugi didn't feel like standing there any longer. Yami was clearly feeling gloomy, and the atmosphere between them was awkward. He pushed himself away from the wall. "Okay, so…I should probably get going."

"Okay."

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

Yami nodded. Yugi waved once and walked away, but before he turned the corner he glanced back to see Yami with his face hidden in his hands.

* * *

"Claustrophobia, huh?" Jounouchi said, leaning his chair back on two legs. It was the day after the disastrous meeting and Yugi had just finished explaining to everyone what had happened.

"That's got to suck," Honda mused. "Can't even go inside a building without freaking out."

"I don't think it was the building," Yugi said, hoping to make Yami sound less insane. "He said it's worse when there are a lot of people. The diner _was_ really full, and everyone was rushing around because of the crash. Plus he was nervous about meeting you."

"Why would that be?" Anzu asked, looking up from a textbook. She was the only one of them bothering to study for a test later.

"I think he's just shy. He was probably afraid you would judge him for being homeless. He's pretty close-mouthed about his past; I think he's embarrassed by it. That's probably why he won't tell me anything."

The moment the words were out, Yugi realized he should have kept quiet. Jounouchi brought his chair down with a clunk.

"What do you mean, he won't tell you anything?"

Yugi sighed. "He's just private, alright? It's no big deal."

"Yugi, what does that mean?" Jounouchi repeated.

"He hasn't told me much about himself. Until you asked, Honda, I didn't even know he was from the south."

Anzu, looking alarmed, asked: "Do you even know his last name?"

Yugi shuffled his feet. "Well…"

"Yugi!"

"Guys!" he returned, exasperated. "Would you just trust me?"

"You, we trust," Jounouchi said. "But how do you know you can trust him?"

"I…just can," Yugi said. "I've been taken advantage of before, I know the signs. I know I can be naïve, but you've got to trust me that I know Yami's a good person."

Anzu looked back down at her book, having known Yugi since childhood and knowing that when he got the expression he had now there was no point in arguing. Jounouchi and Honda exchanged glances.

"Well, he _was_ right about us," Honda finally said. "If he knows when two bullies can change, I guess…it's not so impossible that a bum can be a decent person too."

"Just be careful, alright?" Jounouchi asked.

"I am, I swear."

They didn't bring it up again, but Yugi had already decided he would wait awhile before trying to bring them all together again. Until he had solid proof either for or against Yami's trustworthiness, he figured the best thing to do would be to not mention him.

It was a month before he witnessed something to make him wonder if his friends had a point. It was on a day that was already unsettling enough for Yugi; when they met up he saw that Yami's face and arms were bruised and scraped.

"What happened to you?" he asked, frightened.

Yami shrugged, patting the ground beside him and inviting Yugi to sit down and stop staring at him in shock. "Nothing. Life. Some people didn't like where I was sleeping last night."

"So they beat you up?" Yugi demanded, suddenly enraged.

"Not badly, this is nothing. Come on, sit down."

Yugi sat, but the moment he did he burst out: "Yami, you're all beaten up, this isn't 'nothing–'"

"Don't worry so much, it's okay."

"No! Nobody has the right to hurt you like this, we should go to the police."

"Why is this so important to you?" Yami was looking at him with an odd expression now. "We are not going to the police. Homeless people get hurt all the time, nobody makes a fuss. The police they have more important things to worry about."

Yugi lowered his head and played with a few grains of road dust at his feet. His posture hid from Yami the light blush that had formed on his face. "I don't know. I just don't want you to get hurt."

Yami seemed to have no answer for that, and they remained quiet for a moment until Yugi's blush subsided and he was able to lift his head and start a new topic. He could tell Yami didn't want to continue discussing his injuries.

About an hour later they heard someone approaching. Yugi had long-since broken his reflex to look up every time someone passed – a few weeks of neck cricks had hammered in the lesson. This person, however, slowed to a pause and a voice drifted down: "I see you got yourself a helper."

Looking up, Yugi saw a man dressed in stained clothing and carrying a bottle in a paper bag. He was quite tall, but skeletally thin, taking away any menace his height might have given him. His hair was unevenly cut and his small, darting eyes looked a bit bloodshot at the moment.

Yami ignored him and Yugi followed suit, but the man didn't go away. "Can't survive on the streets on your own after all, huh? Had to find yourself a partner to make ends meet?" He peered more closely at Yugi. "You do know there's no honor among thieves, right?"

Yugi wrinkled his nose – the man's breath reeked and his clothing smelled worse. "What?"

"He's saying that I'm going to rip you off," Yami replied with somewhat forced calm. "He thinks we've agreed to share the money, but that at the end of the day I'll take it all. Because that's what he would do."

"But you're not a thief."

"Of course he is, what else do you call begging money off unsuspecting people?" the man said.

"Maybe you're a thief," Yami returned. "I, however, am not. Now go away."

"Oh, that's right, I forgot. You weren't the thief, it was your –"

"I told you to go away," Yami interrupted, his voice lowering ominously. "_I'm_ trying to make it somewhere. You want to waste your life, go ahead, but stay out of mine."

"You're still a damn fool, is what you are," the man scoffed. "Thought you'd a' gotten over yourself by now. No one makes it anywhere. That's the first law of living on the streets. Once you're here, you never make it off. Been here fourteen years, never made it off."

"Maybe because all you make you spend on alcohol and hookers," Yami said, eyes narrowed. "And you never bothered to fight for something better."

"Fancy talk coming from a guy who can't even beg for change on his own," he snapped back. "You can sit there and lie to yourself all you want, Atemu. Pretend you're some high-society man who isn't beaten up and living on a street corner, but don't you fucking talk down to _me_." He took a gulp from the bottle he was holding and glared. "This is all you are and all you'll ever be."

"Excuse me?" His voice was so mild that, if it wasn't for that dark, low hiss, Yugi might have thought that Yami was speaking to him. Then he dropped the _shakuhachi_ into Yugi's lap and got to his feet. Surprised, Yugi clutched the instrument. He'd never seen Yami respond like this before.

The man was continuing his rant. "You put me down for drinkin' and think you've got the right to preach just because you've found a friend who doesn't mind slumming? Look at him, he isn't even one of us."

"You're right, Yugi isn't one of us. Now I told you to leave." Yami was speaking through his teeth.

"Yami, don't listen to him, he's just a jerk–" Yugi said, getting to his feet too, but Yami held his hand up and the single motion caused Yugi to fall silent. His voice hadn't risen a bit; his expression was threatening enough. Yugi had never seen someone look calm and enraged at the exact same time.

The man ignored him and grabbed Yugi by the arm. "What about you, what's your story? You obviously come from money, so what are you doing here?"

Yugi yanked his arm back, struggling. "Hey, let go!"

"What's the matter, finally realized you've wandered too far from home? You obviously don't know the rules. If you're defending Atemu that means you've chosen his side, and you picked the wrong side, rich kid."

"_Let Yugi go_." Yami's voice rang out over both of them. The words stung with sudden power, and something else…something that wasn't calm control. A more hysterical emotion, one that Yugi had heard in Yami's voice only once before…

"Why?" he taunted. "Afraid he'll realize that under all your talk you're just as worthless as the rest of us?"

"Shut the hell up," Yami snapped, grabbing his arm and, more gently, Yugi's arm, and wrenching the two of them apart. Yugi stumbled back across the sidewalk. The man tripped backwards into the building, cracking the glass bottle inside the bag. Sodden, the bag tore and jagged glass was exposed.

Yami apparently never noticed; he grabbed the man by the collar and glared at him. "So what is this, you can't mess with me without your gang so you decide to pick on Yugi with mind games instead?"

Yugi's eyes fell on Yami's bruises and put two and two together. "He was one of the guys who…?" he whispered.

Yami wasn't listening. His voice had finally risen to a snarl. "Do what you want to me, but don't you _ever_ mess with Yugi. Neither you, nor any of your friends will touch him, understand me? He isn't part of this world. _Do not_ drag him into it."

"Who do you think you are, God? Fuck you and your demands, Atemu," the stranger returned acidly, and pulled back his hand holding the broken bottle, swinging the jagged glass toward Yami's face.

Yugi watched, helpless. They were too far away to reach in time. "Yami, look out!"

Wordlessly, Yami stopped the blow with his left arm, released his collar, and punched the man hard in the face.

And then it was over. Yami released the man – who took off at a wobbly jog, stemming his nosebleed with his filthy jacket and cursing under his breath – returned to where he had been sitting, and settled himself back to his cross-legged position, holding his right hand over his left arm.

"Y-Yami…" Yugi didn't know what to say. He slowly sat back down too. He wanted to ask Yami what just happened, wanted to tell him he thought Yami wasn't worthless, wanted to just say something to help…

"I'm sorry about that," Yami finally responded, his voice suddenly subdued. "I guess he wasn't finished after last night. He knows the only way he could fight anyone is with five other people helping, but it seems today he decided to hit the hard liquor and got arrogant." He leaned over and took his _shakuhachi_ back from Yugi gently.

Yugi still didn't know what to say and cast about desperately for a topic. "Um…that man…he called you Atemu. Is that your last name?"

"Yes."

"It's nice. Do you prefer to go by it?"

"I don't really care."

"Well, I'll keep using 'Yami' then. I'm used to it."

Yami didn't appear to be listening. "Look, he'll probably come back later. You should go home."

Slowly, Yugi turned to look at him. He glanced at his hand, still gripping his arm, and drew in a quick breath. There was blood dripping from under his palm. "You're hurt," he said, pulling Yami's hand away. The broken bottle had left a slice in his upper left arm. Yami tried to cover it again.

"It's not deep."

"Yami, that doesn't matter, you're still hurt–"

"I swear, you worry more than anyone I've ever met. It's not a big deal."

"No, first your bruises were no big deal and now you're saying this is no big deal, stop trying to brush these things off!" Yugi almost snapped in his concern. He wished Yami would just let him help him for once. "Here…just let me take care of it." Yugi dug through his backpack. He didn't have a first-aid kit, but he did have a handkerchief someplace in there. Finally finding it and brushing pencil shavings from it, he tied it tightly around Yami's arm. "There, that should make the bleeding stop. And I'm not going home yet."

Yami didn't protest, just gazed back at Yugi. His eyes gentled. The rage from moments before vanished, leaving behind a soft, warm red. Yugi's cheeks flushed and he looked away. Yami then turned, placing the flute to his lips. Yugi leaned back against the wall, letting the soft music soothe him, but as he listened it struck him that the song sounded…sad.

For the rest of the day neither of them mentioned, or, luckily, saw, the man again, until Yugi was about to leave, and asked as usual, "You'll be here tomorrow?"

"…You know, he was right, about a few things," Yami said slowly. "This isn't your world. Why do you keep coming back? You must have better things to do."

"Because I like talking to you."

"I lost my temper today."

"I noticed."

"And you're not bothered?"

Yugi shrugged it off. "Why should it bother me that you got mad? That guy was a jerk, he hurt you, he was probably going to hurt me. And you got him to let go of me, you actually got hurt _defending _me. If anything, I'm grateful. Besides, I thought you showed a lot of restraint. Jounouchi wouldn't have had nearly as much patience."

Yami brought his hand absently to the handkerchief over his arm, and nodded. "I'll be here. Have a good night, Yugi."

"Good night."

Yugi never told anyone about what he saw that day. He felt that he didn't need to. His friends would worry unnecessarily, because they hadn't seen the way Yami's eyes softened. He was obviously experienced with fighting and violence, obviously capable of hurting someone, but those deep fiery eyes were also eyes that could be trusted. And that, Yugi was positive of.

* * *

As Yugi went home feeling certain and settled, Yami wasn't feeling quite so happy about the situation.

He had grown too attached to Yugi.

He brooded on it as he gathered up his things and went in search of a place to sleep. What had happened today was only the final proof, the signs had come far sooner. He'd felt it the second day, when Yugi came back to talk to him. An odd peace…a feeling of cheerfulness and warmth…

But that was the way it started, wasn't it? With a warm, stupid feeling, with the silly belief that everything was working out…

_Idiot…I know better than that_, he thought, chaining his cart of belongings to the bench he'd chosen, and pulling out his jacket. _How could I let it go this far?_

Months upon months of training himself to never lose control and it all came crashing down the moment Yugi was threatened. When he saw him in even the most minimal of dangers, he'd actually felt _afraid_. He'd come to care for him to the point that he was losing his temper…to the point that he was revealing his emotions and letting his heart, of all things, make choices for him.

_Caring like this is what killed Shoua. I thought I learned from that._

The ridiculous thing was that he was completely aware of the stupidity of letting things go this far, and yet he'd done nothing to stop it. What was wrong with him?

It felt…nice, though. It felt nice to have something to look forward to. To have someone to wait for, someone to talk to and to help pass the hours…days seemed to fly by in Yugi's presence, no longer dragging on painfully. Yugi made him smile, made him laugh, made him even feel like the world wasn't such a bad place.

And as time passed he'd found himself putting off what he knew he must do.

Tonight, as he lay back on the bench and looked up at the sky, he found himself thinking: _maybe it's time I told him._

That would solve everything. He had considered moving, simply vanishing in the middle of the night, but wanted to keep that as a last resort. This area was too valuable, and even if he moved there was the chance Yugi might stumble upon him again. However, if Yugi knew the truth he would no longer want to see him. He would go away of his own accord, and Yami would be left to his normal, solitary existence. Life could go on.

And yet…

_I don't want him to go away._

He was in over his head, no matter how he twisted it. He'd already become too fond of Yugi, already become unwilling to tell him who he was, knowing Yugi would stop visiting once he knew. The unusual surge of protectiveness he'd felt today was something new…and possibly the final sign that things had gone too far.

He rested his hand over the handkerchief on his arm, thinking of the feelings that had come with Yugi tying it over his wound. He knew the time was coming when he wouldn't be able to ignore them. He had to put a stop to it before it reached that point.

It might even already be too late.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **It's going to sound self-centered of me, but...I'm kind of proud of this chapter. I think I did a pretty good job of sprinkling around hints of the future plots. I don't usually feel that way about my writing (my more common feeling is: "everything I write sucks!") so this is...really rather interesting. xD

Happy birthday to Sugoroku Mutou and (IIRC) Kazuki Takahashi. =D


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 04  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

A few days later, a Sunday, Yugi walked up just as Yami was thanking a woman who had given him a handful of change. Sundays were good days for him among the religious crowd, he had explained to Yugi, and as such he was strategically placed nearby a popular route to the neighborhood church.

"Hi Yami," Yugi said, giving the woman a smile as he passed her and dropping to his usual place beside him.

"Hello Yugi," he replied, not looking over at him right away. Yugi peered more closely at him.

"You okay?"

Yami turned and smiled. "Sorry, yes, I'm fine. I'm just sort of tired."

"That's alright," Yugi said, brightening. He loved it when Yami would smile, and he didn't do it very often. Not real smiles at least. He gave polite ones to people who gave him money, but true smiles that lit up his whole face…those were the ones Yugi always hoped he'd see. He smiled back at Yami now, and noticed that something wasn't right. Yami didn't look as happy to see him as he normally did. His eyes, in fact, had a tint of sadness to them.

"I...I hope I'm not messing up your chances at getting money," Yugi said, concerned suddenly that his presence was a bother to Yami. "I'm keeping you from playing–"

"No, you're not." Yami tapped the bucket. "Actually, Ezui was right. Two people make more than one."

"Who's Ezui?" Yugi asked, frowning.

"The man from a few days ago," Yami said. "I'm sorry, I forgot I never told you his name."

"Oh…that's all right. I never asked." Yugi fell silent, not sure what to say. Yami wasn't telling him to leave, but he wasn't in his usual mood, either. Yugi decided not to bother him, so he just sat quietly, too.

"Hey, Yugi…?" Yami suddenly asked, wrapping his arms around his legs. "Yugi…I never…answered any of your questions."

Yugi looked at him in surprise. He'd come to figure that Yami would never acknowledge his questions and that was that.

"Well…yeah, but I figured you didn't want to."

"I didn't," Yami agreed.

"Well…" Yugi trailed off, figuring that was a pretty solid end to the conversation.

"But I do now," he said, looking up and meeting Yugi's eyes. "I…I feel like…I need to tell you."

"You don't have to if you're not okay with it." Yugi tried to be diplomatic even though he was dying of curiosity and excited by the prospect of finding out Yami's secret past.

"No…you deserve the truth." The sadness in his eyes seemed to deepen as he settled himself against the building. "Well, to start with, I'm eighteen. I was born in Saga prefecture, in the town of Omachi. Have you heard of it?"

"Yeah, but I've never been there. Is it nice?"

"Well, I'm probably biased." Yami gave a small laugh. "But yes…it was really nice. It's much smaller than this city, and much more rural. I loved it there. Then…well, you know about the earthquake awhile back. Saga was right in the middle of it."

Yugi had nothing to say to that. It was true, everyone had heard about the earthquake. The devastation it caused had been unheard-of. It had happened four years before, and yet refugees were still showing up from it. They weren't treated very kindly, as people assumed they should be over the disaster by now. He wondered why he hadn't spotted the signs before. Claustrophobia, hatred of loud noises, anger at Jounouchi's remark about refugees, from some mysterious place in the south...it all made sense to Yugi now. He just stared at Yami, feeling like he should apologize for having not realized it earlier, but Yami was already speaking again.

"It was terrifying. I was in school when it happened. The building collapsed; we were trapped under it for hours. The power was out, it was just pitch black and I could hear people crying and screaming, and could hear them getting weaker until they went silent…" His voice seemed to catch. "The rescue workers dug us out. Most of my classmates were injured, but did survive. Later I found my mother, she was okay too, she wasn't home when it happened. She was lucky, our house was destroyed." Yami swallowed. "My father…he was a businessman too, like your dad. He worked in Taku, a city nearby…his office building was destroyed. He was killed. So were my grandparents and aunt and cousins…and my uncle, our only other close family member, was never found."

"I'm so sorry," Yugi whispered, helpless for something else to say.

Yami shrugged the apology off, plunging grimly ahead. "They weren't the only ones, thousands of people were dead, hurt, missing…there was looting in the houses still standing, and those without shelter just had to pray for luck till help could come. The government did step in, gave us a little money, some supplies…and told us they'd find ways to help us get back on our feet. It seemed like maybe things would be okay. Mom was my only family left and we had no place to go, but we stayed in a shelter with others and trusted that we would be helped, and it wasn't all horrible. There was hope. There were even good times. That's where I got my flute, a sponsor bought instruments for the kids in our shelter. They were second-hand, low quality…but they were fun and gave us something to do. As you can see, I've still got mine. So things were okay, you know? But then…we were forgotten."

"Forgotten?"

Yami's eyes had acquired an empty look. "The government stopped helping. Yes, some people, some places were doing fine again, but what about others? The rest of us were swept aside. My family…we didn't have a lot of money, but we did okay before the earthquake. When Dad died my mother did her best for me. I had to drop out of school, and we gathered up what possessions we had, and we hoped that we could make things work, we really tried. We looked for jobs, but not many people were hiring and any money we did make went into just staying alive, we couldn't save enough for a place to live. So we had to leave when the refugee camps were torn down and just started moving from place to place. My mother tried her hardest. She would find and do any job she could. We could have left the country or moved in with some distant family…I think one of my grandmother's cousins wrote to us to offer, but we didn't want to burden him and his family. We thought we could make it, but the economy has gotten worse, and when employee cuts came, Mom was always the newest employee, so was always among the first to be laid off. I tried to work, but there were…problems. I had…well, you saw what happened to me in the diner. That's…just one example." Yami's voice died off.

Yugi said nothing; he didn't want to interrupt. There was raw pain in Yami's face, and he could feel tears in his own eyes as a pang of guilt for being so excited to hear the story stabbed at him. This was something nobody should ever _want _to hear.

Taking a deep breath, as if fortifying himself to finish the story, Yami started speaking again. "When I turned eighteen, my mother gave me a choice. She chose to become homeless, so that the money she did make wouldn't go into paying for another shitty apartment. She said I was old enough to decide if I wanted to leave her and move someplace else. I couldn't leave her though, do you understand? I couldn't make it on my own, I had almost nothing as it was, the rest of my family was gone…choosing to be homeless might not sound that great, but it's better than what we were. Living in the worst parts of town, always worrying about losing the few things we had left…nobody should have to live like that. It came to where we refused to live in those places any longer. Living homeless in a good neighborhood beats an apartment in a bad one, any day. We moved around a lot…this is a good place, but I know eventually I'll have to move on."

Yugi nodded. He had a question he wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure if it was okay to. Yami seemed to be done talking for the time though, so finally he asked tentatively,

"So…um…where is your mother now…?"

"In jail." Yami's voice turned rough. The smooth rumble was gone, now it was hard and gruff and somehow terribly sad. "She was arrested for theft. And prostitution."

Yugi said nothing, but his surprise must have shown in his face and Yami must have noticed. He glared at him, spitting, "Go ahead and make your judgments, but my mother is _not _a bad person. She was desperate. I didn't even know what she was doing until she was arrested. When I visited I asked her why she did it, I told her a home wasn't worth that kind of sacrifice. She told me…she wasn't trying to save for a place to live. She was trying to make enough money so that when I got into college, she could help pay for it. I could never pass the entrance exams as a drop-out, she must have known that, but she still believed someday I'd make it in. She was doing it to try and help me…without my knowledge, she was selling herself, and stealing…just so that maybe I could have a chance at something better.

"I could have left, she told me to, she told me to move on…but not after everything. Do you realize what I owe her? She's all that keeps me from being alone. Everyone else…" Again there was an odd hitch in his dialogue, and a strange shadow crossed his face for an instant. "Everyone else is dead or gone. I'm not going to leave her, after what she tried to do for me. I'll think of a way for us to have a decent life again. Even if it takes me years I'll save whatever I can until I can afford an apartment in a decent neighborhood. Ezui says nobody makes it off the streets. He's wrong, I'm going to find a way."

He eyed Yugi, waiting for the inevitable recoil. He figured Yugi must have put together his unusual behavior with the earthquake by now. That, coupled with the information about his mother, ought to be enough. He had spent days wondering what Yugi's exact reaction would be. He doubted that he would be particularly rude – Yugi wasn't the type to stomp away, calling him insane and the son of a whore. No, he had figured Yugi to be kinder, more composed. To try to hide his unease, slowly edge away, make a polite excuse about needing to get home, and then never come back.

_Go ahead. I can take it._

His gaze was defiant, but deep down inside Yami's eyes Yugi also saw something wounded, something that had never healed. At that moment, an entirely new feeling hit Yugi, more powerful than anything he had felt before. It overrode his shock, erased any discomfort that this confession had brought to him...in that moment all he wanted was to take that pain away; no, he _needed_ to. He could not sit there another moment and remain calm. It was a wild, unexplainable feeling, equally impossible to ignore, but with no way to help, he just reached out and put his arms around Yami's neck and hugged him.

Yami stiffened. His muscles tensed, and he tried to pull back, but Yugi still held on. He ignored the scent of sweat, the awkwardness, the embarrassment…none of it mattered now.

"Yami…I'm so sorry."

Yugi heard a small sound come from Yami's throat. Something inside Yami had scented release from its four-year prison and was threatening to burst out. He was struggling to keep it held in.

"It isn't fair, what's happened...but you're not alone. I won't make you be alone anymore." Yugi's voice was gentle, so gentle, and another small sound escaped Yami. Yugi hugged him tighter, whispering, "Shh. It's okay." The embrace was so tender, so warm…and Yami was unable to fight himself any longer.

"Y-Yugi…" He brought his arms up, almost uncertainly, and then wrapped them back desperately around him. His body began shaking as he buried his face into Yugi's shoulder, choking on sobs.

Yugi felt his own eyes sting, held him tighter, and didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

* * *

The very next morning, Yugi ran almost the whole way to Yami's street. He couldn't wait to see him. Ever since he'd left him the night before, he couldn't get the thought of him out of his head. Ideas and thoughts and vague, half-formed plans of how he could help had plagued him all the way home. Most of them he dismissed as insane, (There was no way his family could afford an apartment, he had to remind himself, and it was equally unlikely that they would let him empty his college fund.), but one had stuck and seemed workable enough to make him find the courage to ask.

Technically today was a school day, but Yugi didn't care if he was skipping, he just couldn't wait till after school to tell Yami the news.

"Yami!" he cried, skidding around the corner, and stopping. "Yami?"

The street was empty.

"Yami! It's me! Are you here?" Yugi took a few tentative steps, his eyes searching. Yami was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Yugi recalled his words from the night before.

_We moved around a lot…this is a good place, but I know eventually I'll have to find a new spot._

Had Yami moved on? Why hadn't he told Yugi he was planning to move so soon? Or maybe it was a sudden choice. Maybe he didn't want to face Yugi after telling him his story, so he left. Or maybe something had happened to him. Had Ezui come back, and brought too many people for Yami to fight off?

Yugi felt a terrible sinking in his heart. He'd been so excited…as sad and horrible as the story was, Yugi had been happy that Yami told it to him. He was so happy that Yami trusted him, that Yami had opened up to him at last and let down his walls. And he had loved talking to Yami, loved hanging out with him, loved giving him companionship and comfort…

It made no sense, but there was _something_ there…something deep and special and something he'd come to rely on. But now, would he ever even see Yami again?

Crushed, Yugi began walking.

_It's okay…if Yami moved, then that probably means he's found a better place to panhandle. He can make more money that way. Or maybe he's found a place closer to the jail where his mom is, so he can be closer to her. Or maybe…_

Try as he might to think of good reasons for Yami's disappearance, Yugi couldn't get himself to cheer up. He scuffed at the sidewalk, almost feeling mad at Yami for up and leaving so suddenly like this.

_How could he do that? Without even saying good-bye?_

Sighing, Yugi looked up on the next corner to study the street signs, deciding to take the long way back to the school since he was already late anyway. At that moment, his eyes fell on a bus stop not too far away. It was one of the larger stops, with an overhang. There were a few benches under it, most empty because the morning bus had already come by. But there was one person, lying on one, with a familiar head of hair.

Yugi broke into a run. Stretched out on one of the benches under a worn out coat, his back facing the road and his hair a tousled mess, was Yami. He wasn't moving.

"Yami! Are you okay?" Yugi asked, shaking his shoulder worriedly.

"Huh? Wha…?" Yami jerked awake with a start and looked up at Yugi, his body instinctively trying to get ready for a fight, but the sleepy look in his eyes not fully gone. "Yugi?"

And the question he didn't voice: _You came back?_

"Oh…you were sleeping. I'm sorry…" Yugi suddenly felt like an idiot. Just, when he'd seen Yami lying there motionless, he'd gotten so worried…

Yami blinked and sat up, stretching. He was wearing the same clothes that he had been the day before. He studied Yugi groggily.

_You really came back._

But the words that came out were: "It's Monday. Why aren't you in school?"

"I'm skipping," Yugi hurriedly explained. Yami gave him a look. Yugi went on before Yami could lecture him, "I was looking everywhere for you, I thought you left!"

"No, this is just early for me. What's so special that you're skipping to come see me now? And don't make this a habit either, by the way."

Yugi wasn't sure if by "this" Yami meant the skipping or the early wake-up call, so he didn't respond to that and instead replied, "I have something really important to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I talked to my grandpa, and told him I can't do odd jobs around the shop for him anymore since I kind of need to pay more attention to my grades. So he really needs a new shop assistant right now. Plus we need a front desk person soon too. He's getting old, and he's tired of running the place himself."

"Okay, so…what, you want me to advertise? Hand out flyers or something?" Yami looked confused.

"No!" Yugi almost laughed. "The job is for you, I told him and my mom about you, that you were having a hard time and couldn't afford school, and you needed to make money somehow. He understands; my friend Jounouchi, he used to be somewhat homeless too and couldn't afford school either. So Grandpa understands that you can't help your situation and that it's hard to find work. He's willing to give you the job even though you dropped out. It'd be perfect for you, you love games, and the other stuff isn't hard to learn. You can even stay at our house if you want. Grandpa's been talking about wanting extra security for the store, but doesn't want to pay for a guard. I asked about letting you stay with us, and he said he'd allow it if you can live downstairs and act as free security. All you'd have to do is call the police if you heard a break-in. The back room is a decent-sized room and it has windows," he added, "so you could be comfortable. And you'll have a proper salary and can save up money, and when your mom gets out of jail she can find a job and between the both of you, you could save enough to get an apartment in an okay neighborhood and not a slum. And I'll give you all my old textbooks so eventually you could even take the entrance exams and get into college, and you'll be able to afford it, and your mom's dream for you could be true." Yugi looked at Yami excitedly as he finished, proud of himself for setting it all up, and happy to know he was going to be able to help the young drifter he had grown attached to.

Yami had an indescribable look on his face. He had listened quietly to Yugi's excited monologue, and Yugi expected him to look happy and maybe even give him one of those rare smiles.

But instead, although for a moment a tremendous longing filled him, Yami simply looked away, feeling sick.

_Yugi…why would you do this?_

Yugi's smile faded. "Yami?"

"Y-Yugi…thank you…for the offer," he finally said, refusing to meet Yugi's eyes as he shoved the coat into the crate. His voice was cold. "But no thank you. I don't want it."

"What? But…Yami, this is perfect for you, you can have a real job…"

_I don't get it_, Yami thought, pained. _You know the story, I thought that would be enough. You were supposed to understand, you were supposed to not want to come back!_

"I can't take your charity, Yugi," he finally mumbled. "Not like this. I appreciate it…but I didn't ask for your help. I'll make this work on my own."

"But I'm not offering you this because I feel sorry for you or something. I just want–"

"I should be moving on anyway," Yami was saying, speaking over Yugi. "I've been in this area for a long time…too long. Time to find a new place to go."

"Yami–"

"Good bye."

"Yami, no!" Yugi took a few steps ahead and planted himself firmly on the pavement in front of him. "You _won't_ just walk away from me like this!"

Yami stared. Nobody had ever spoken to him like this before.

_Yugi...?_

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Happy seven-years-of-Yugioh anniversary to me! =D Yes indeed, seven years ago I sat on the couch, randomly flipping channels, never realizing that night would change my life. Just think, what if I hadn't kept flipping channels? What if I'd never seen Yugioh? Who knows what kind of person I'd be now. I'm sure I wouldn't be sitting here posting fanfiction. xD

So anyway, big info dump chapter...I really don't like info dumps, but this was the kind of thing that couldn't come out in bits and pieces, I feel like it had to all be explained in one go. Rest assured there's still plenty of backstory left to reveal, though. ;3


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 05  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

_"You won't just walk away from me like this!"_

The words were like a punch in the chest. Since when did anyone try to tell Yami he wasn't allowed to do something? Didn't Yugi understand that he _couldn't_ be in Yami's life? Didn't he understand that Yami wanted nothing from him? Strange anger spread through him.

"Yugi, stop, you're not helping." His voice had become icy. That same fierce look was on his face, the same look Yugi had seen there the first day he saw him. He knew Yami didn't have very much and that his own spit and fire was what was keeping him going. Yugi understood that, he knew that Yami was proud of the fight his life was. Proud that he had found ways to always keep an edge in that fight. And proud of the little victories he had earned. It was not a life many would choose, but he, in every way he could be, was proud of his choice.

Yugi could see that perfectly. He had understood that from the first moment he looked into Yami's face.

"Yeah, I know I'm not helping," Yugi replied finally. "And I know you would rather beg the rest of your life than take charity you didn't ask for. But this isn't charity. This is me offering you something that I _know_ you want. Not very many people in the last few years of your life have done that, have they?"

Yami's eyes narrowed. "No."

"Well, here I am. I'm offering you this because I want to give you a chance. To achieve you and your mother's dreams. You guys worked so hard–"

"I told you my story," Yami interrupted, "because I thought it would show you that my world isn't something you need to be involved in, not because I wanted your pity! I thought I made everything clear, I told you the earthquake fucked me up in the head, I told you my mother is someone society looks down upon. You've seen firsthand that people hate me and would beat me up without a second thought, and I thought you were smart enough to know when to walk away!" He was growing visibly angry, although Yugi instinctively knew that Yami wouldn't do him any harm.

"Those things don't make you any less of a person," Yugi said.

"They make my life something you should know to stay out of!"

"So what if you have phobias? So what if society thinks something? I don't understand why any of this is a big deal."

"Well…maybe there's more to it than just that," Yami said. "You say it like you can just gloss over it, but things aren't as easy to gloss over in real life as they seem in words–"

Yugi waited expectantly. "Alright. Then explain to me what I'm missing."

Yami growled in frustration. Why did Yugi have to demand more details? Details that Yami would rather die than divulge? "I don't even know what you're trying to prove," he finally said, throwing his hands up. "This whole conversation is pointless if you refuse to listen to what I'm saying."

"I'm trying to show you that you haven't been forgotten!"

"We _have _been forgotten," Yami snapped. "There's no point in lying. But we worked hard and we're alive and fighting, which is more than some people can say. Don't pity me for surviving, Yugi."

Yugi stood his ground. "I don't. I never said I did."

"Then get out of my way, and let me go take care of myself," Yami replied, not really knowing why he was bothering to use his 'warning' tone since he knew perfectly well he could never hurt Yugi. "What if I can't make enough? What about if my mother gets out of jail before I have enough money saved, what is she supposed to do then?"

"She could stay with us–"

"Yugi, be reasonable, your family is defying normalcy by agreeing to let me stay. They're not going to want her staying there too. Who in their right minds would let a criminal do that? There's charity and then there's just…nonsense. And I want no part of either, now let me by."

Yugi reached out and took Yami's hand, his worn, scarred hand, and held it gently between both of his own. Yami looked down at it. Yugi kept his eyes trained on Yami's face until Yami finally consented to meet his gaze.

"This isn't charity, or pity, _or_ nonsense," he said. "I know you think you've been forgotten, or that people can't care about you, but I'm trying to show you that you're wrong. Don't run away from that."

"Who says I'm running away?"

"I say you are. I think you're just afraid of what will happen if you accept help, and to you it's easier to stay on this life that you're familiar with rather than take a risk. I think you're finally getting a chance at your dream but you're just too scared to take it because it means letting someone in."

"What right do you think you have to talk to me like this?" Yami demanded.

"Because I care about you," Yugi replied softly.

Yami was struck into silence. Then, quietly: "you barely know me."

"Still, you care about me. I know you do, you defended me before. So I ought to have the right to care back. I don't care what the earthquake did to your mind, I don't care if your mom made some desperate choices, I care about _you_."

Yami had no response to that. His expression was unreadable; the closed-off look he often got when struggling with something inside.

"I know this is what you want, I saw the look in your eyes. You don't have to take it. I'm offering because I want to. But please don't walk away just because you're scared."

"Why do you want to?" Yami finally asked.

"Because I hoped…maybe if I opened up this chance for you, maybe you could smile more," Yugi said.

Struck silent, Yami could only stare.

"I want to see good things happen to you and I wanted to maybe be the cause of one of those good things. I won't force you into anything…but…I wish you wouldn't run away."

Yugi wasn't meeting his eyes anymore, either out of shyness or discomfort, Yami didn't know. He could only gaze down silently at Yugi's bangs. There was something warm in his chest.

_I can't believe it_.

But even stranger: it felt _right_. He depended on his fears to keep himself from making mistakes, but ever since he'd met Yugi that fear had begun to seem irrelevant. This went against every instinct he had…and yet he felt like that might be okay.

Yami moved his hand suddenly so that it was grasping Yugi's, and he squeezed his fingers softly, hoping the touch could convey what he couldn't say. "You'll have to lead me there though. I don't know how to find this shop of yours," he said quietly. "And maybe you'd be okay with stopping in a restroom on the way so I can change clothes."

Yugi's heart rose. He looked back up to meet his eyes, which were no longer marred by anger or confusion. The sight of Yami smiling made him smile broadly back and he squeezed his hand quickly. "I think I can do that."

* * *

At school, Yugi had a hard time paying attention, too busy alternately trying not to grin, and worrying that Yami might take off before school let out. Despite his anxiety, afterwards Yami was right where he said he would be, waiting on a bench. He even managed a shy wave toward Jounouchi, Honda, and Anzu, before Yugi grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

"What do you think I should wear?" Yami's voice came from behind the door of a large, handicapped bathroom stall, closed but not locked. Yugi was waiting by the sink, standing guard. When he had expressed concern about how Yami handled something like a small stall, Yami had told him that he was relaxed, and therefore the discomfort was bearable. It helped, however, to leave it unlocked and with Yugi there to make sure nobody walked in on him, he could do just that. Yugi didn't say it aloud, but he quite liked the idea that his presence was helping.

Yugi shrugged to himself. "I don't know, whatever you want. It's not really a big deal."

"Yeah, but I want to make a good impression."

"You don't have to worry about that, I told you. Just wear something comfortable."

"You're not helping!" Yami swung the stall door open and displayed two shirts for Yugi's perusal, demanding, "Now which one is better for impressing your family?"

"Um…the blue one."

"Thank you." He shut the door again, leaving a somewhat-startled Yugi to ponder his first sight of Yami partially-unclothed.

Really, Yugi thought, Yami was attractive in his own way. His shabby clothes hid a bony, rough frame and his worn skin was far from soft and flawless, but his body was toned with lean muscle and he moved with a kind of unpolished grace. Yugi couldn't help wondering why so few people seemed to notice that. He'd seen countless women walk by while he and Yami talked, only to see them wrinkle their noses and keep going. He supposed they didn't look much past the dirt and grime, and truthfully even dressed-up Yami probably wouldn't turn heads, but there was no ignoring that he had a kind of unusual beauty about him.

His face heated up. It wasn't really right for him to be evaluating Yami's looks in such a way. He should really stick to the basics. Thin, gangly, rough-skinned, those were the sort of descriptive words he _ought_ to be using.

He was brought out of his ruminating a moment later as Yami declared, "The point of changing clothes was to make me _not _look like a bum," and threw open the door to offer two other choices for Yugi to evaluate.

One hour and every single combination of clothing he owned later, Yugi managed to convince him that the jeans, previously-rejected blue shirt, and jacket he had on were perfect, and then faced another several minutes of watching him brush his hair and teeth and scrub every inch of visible skin.

"Are you always this obsessive?" Yugi finally had to ask, watching him attempt to control a lock of hair that – at least according to Yami – wasn't cooperating with him.

Yami paused, and his cheeks flushed. Yugi realized it was the first time he'd ever seen Yami blushing. The sight caused him to smile without meaning to.

"Um, well, no…I'm just nervous and I want to start this out the best way I can," he rambled, licking his finger and finally getting the strands of hair the way he wanted them.

"There's nothing to be worried about," Yugi said gently.

"I know…but you have to understand it's been a long time since I tried doing a job, I don't want to mess this up. I want to look responsible, worth it…not like some charity case."

"You're going to do great, don't worry about your appearance."

"Thanks." Yami smiled at him. "I am looking forward to this. I was willing to beg to make money when there seemed no other choice, but now I'll be able to work with respect…like a normal person." He suddenly threw his arms around Yugi and hugged him. "Thank you, Yugi…I always said that one day I'd make it somewhere in life, but to be honest I was starting to wonder if I ever would. I believed in the idea of a better tomorrow, but was beginning to think 'tomorrow' was just that. An idea only…maybe something that could never be achieved. You gave me hope. And a chance, and respect and…" His voice cracked suddenly. "Meeting you…is the best thing that's happened to me."

Yugi smiled and hugged him back. "You don't need to thank me, I told you it isn't charity. And Yami…I'm glad that I met you, too. I'm glad I was able to make a difference for you. I hated thinking about you all alone outside and leaving you out there every night."

Yami smiled back. "Well that's all changing now, thanks to you."

Yugi smiled wider and hugged him tighter. Knowing he'd made a difference in this one person's life was a great feeling. He hadn't realized till now just how much it meant.

They held onto each other for a few moments, then Yugi finally pulled away and gave him a look. "So are you satisfied with how you look now? Ready to go do this?"

Nervousness sparked in Yami's eyes for a moment, but then he nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

* * *

When they arrived at Yugi's home, Yami was looking less confident and more as if he felt queasy. Yugi led him to the private entrance and held open the door for him.

"You can leave your stuff here for now," Yugi said quietly. "I'll bring it to your room later, okay?"

Yami nodded. He knew Yugi was trying to find ways to help, but the prospect of facing Yugi's family without his cart to conveniently hold onto – and hold himself up with – didn't make him feel much better.  
_  
Yugi's nice_, he told himself, ascending the stairs behind Yugi. _His family must be nice as well._

The prospect of meeting more people as friendly as Yugi cheered him up enough to relax as they reached the second floor and Yugi led him into the living room.

"Mom!" Yugi called. "I'm home!"

Yugi must have informed his family the night before that he'd be bringing Yami home – not only did his mother materialize from another set of stairs almost instantly, but footsteps from below revealed that his grandfather had also heard him and was on his way up from the store.

He saw Yugi's mother first – an intelligent-looking, middle-aged woman whose expression showed she was no pushover. Yugi must have inherited his looks from his father, as her neatly-cut dark hair and sharp eyes were very different from his. He could tell she had already formed an opinion of him, and was waiting for him to either confirm it or prove her wrong.

He bowed quickly. "It's nice to meet you. Thank you for letting me stay."

"You're welcome," she replied, inclining her head. Her voice matched her looks: crisp and steady, but not unkind. Yami was wondering if he should say anything else – compliment the house, maybe – when he heard a more jovial-sounding voice from behind him.

"Ah, so my new employee has arrived at last."

Yugi brightened. "Hi Grandpa."

Yami turned, and instantly relaxed. The man before him was gray-haired and elderly, but his eyes, a purple shade similar to Yugi's, retained a young-looking twinkle.

"My name is Sugoroku," he said, greeting Yami. "I'm pleased to meet you; Yugi told us a great deal about you last night. Apparently you've become good friends."

Yami nodded. "Thank you very much for the job. I promise I'll do my best."

"Good, because I'm in desperate need of some help. Follow me, I'll show you the store."

Yami glanced over his shoulder as he followed, and was relieved to see Yugi behind him. He felt safer with Yugi nearby.

Sugoroku quickly explained the store layout to him, and put him to work straightening the shelves, saying that he'd get into teaching him the register the next day. He was, he said, too busy to do so now, as he had to catch up on some paperwork. He had opened late, because he'd spent the morning oiling the hinges to the windows in the store room.

His comment about the windows caught Yami's attention, and he eyed Yugi questioningly. Yugi nodded.

"He knows," he said quietly.

"All of it?"

"No, just that you don't like closed rooms."

Yami smiled a little. It was weird, to think of people discussing him and his oddities, but not entirely bad. "Thanks."

Yugi smiled back and patted his shoulder. "You're going to be fine."

He spent the day memorizing where things were, determined not to ask for help any more than he had to, and made a friend of Yugi's grandfather without even meaning to by showing interest in some of the more esoteric games of the store. By evening, he was tired, but exhilarated. Dinner was a quiet affair; he spent most of his time worrying about his table manners. From the way Yugi's mother acted, he had a feeling getting her to agree to let him stay had been a challenge for Yugi. She was never impolite, but kept up a cool, distant wall. Yami could tell that winning her favor wouldn't be easy. After dinner his offer to help clean up was rebuffed, so he went downstairs to set up his new room. Yugi walked in ten minutes later, a pile of blankets in his arms.

"What are all of those for?" Yami asked, looking up from the sleeping mat he was unrolling and pointing to it. "You already gave me this to sleep on."

"They're for if you get cold."

"I have my own–"

"You've got a coat," Yugi said, setting the blankets down and giving him a look. "No friend of mine is sleeping under a coat in my own house."

Yami didn't argue.

"Anyway, I'm going to bed, I wanted to say good night. Are you sure you don't need anything else?"

"What more could I need? I've got more than I've had in years," Yami said, smiling as he stood up.

"Are you _sure_?"

He took a step forward, still smiling. "Thank you, Yugi, for everything, but you've done more than enough. Have a good night."

Yugi thought about pressing the point, but then dismissed it. He could tell Yami was happy, his face told him everything.

"Good night," he said, smiled back, and returned to his room. As Yami heard him going back upstairs he chuckled to himself and pulled out his coat. With it came a square of white fabric; the handkerchief Yugi had given him once before to cover his injured arm. An injury sustained during a moment he was less-than-proud of.

He picked the handkerchief up and sat down on the mat, gazing down at it for a moment, and then around at the room. It was just the storage room of a game store, but it made him smile.

This had been quite a day. He had not been pitied, but respected by Yugi and his family. He had been able to work and earn money by himself. He'd been treated like family rather than just a guest or worse, a beggar. This was not _his _home, but it was the first time in years that he had been able to sleep inside a building he could call a home. He didn't even mind the walls so much…these walls seemed protective, not threatening.

His eyes welled up a little. Yugi had given him all of this. In spite of everything, in spite of all the reasons he'd given Yugi to walk away, Yugi hadn't given up on him.  
_  
Yugi…_

Pressing the fabric to his face, Yami sat there for a long time, his thoughts swirling, but his spirit at rest.

* * *

In the middle of that night while getting a drink of water, Yugi decided to sneak down to the store room to check on a suspicion. He peered inside the open doorway and saw that Yami had pulled the sleeping mat they gave him to the place on the floor with the best view of the door and windows. And, Yugi saw with a knowing nod to himself, he had refused to use the blankets he had left him, fast asleep under his coat instead. Yugi smiled softly and shook his head. Just as he had expected.

Yugi rubbed his arms, noticing a chill, and picked up one of the softest blankets, shaking it out and laying it over Yami's body.

Yami didn't move, he had no doubt grown accustomed to sleeping through anything. Yugi smiled at him and stole out of the room. He would need to get a good night's sleep, after all, there was no way Yami was going to let him get away with skipping school again.

Back inside the room, Yami opened one eye, glanced toward the doorway Yugi had just vacated, then smiled softly and pulled the blanket around himself more snugly. It looked like he was going to have to get used to this treatment, because Yugi wasn't going to let him be anytime soon.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **Happy Veteran's Day! And I hope all my fellow WriMos are doing better than I am. xD (16,862 words at the moment, got another 1667 to go to make sure that I hit today's minimum after falling behind yesterday...)  
This is another of those chapters that I was just never quite satisfied with...but I'm noticing that I'm not satisfied with most of the early chapters and am much happier with the later ones. So maybe it's just that I've re-read these early ones too many times and am sick of them...I'm not sure. ^^;  
Thank you, everyone who has been following the fic this long! Your comments and support have been wonderful!


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 06  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**Disclaimer:** Yugioh continues to not belong to me.

* * *

A few weeks later, Yugi returned home after school on Tuesday to find Yami waving a young couple from the shop. Despite his lack of education and experience, Yami seemed to have a knack for business. Sales were going well, and at the same time he kept the shelves stocked and the counters pristine. He had even found time one night to organize the stock room and begged Yugi's grandfather – whom had since told Yami to call him 'Grandfather' too if he wanted, but Yami shyly kept to formal titles – to teach him how to manage the accounts. Needing the money was obviously a factor in Yami's energetic quest to work, but Yugi was able to tell he was enjoying himself too. He realized that Yami hadn't been in school for years. To him, learning wasn't a chore, it was fascinating. He hovered around Yugi and watched him do his homework many evenings, studying the material himself, and whenever he wasn't tending to the shop he was reading anything he got his hands on. "If I'm ever going to make it into college," he explained to Yugi, "I have to catch up on all the years of schooling I missed."

It made Yugi happy to see him settling in comfortably, but there were days when Yugi missed the way things used to be. He would never wish homelessness on Yami again, but ever since Yami had moved in they hadn't had much time to sit and talk the way they used to. He supposed it was a necessary sacrifice, but he couldn't help wondering if Yami missed those talks, too.

"Hi Yami." Yugi waved to him as he walked towards the stairs.

"Hey Yugi." Yami beamed at him. Yugi was thrilled to see such a happy look on his face, but was curious too, and as soon as he put his things away he came back down and joined him behind the counter.

"So, what's the big occasion?" Yugi asked.

"Huh?"

"I've never seen you look this cheerful, what happened?"

"Oh, that." Yami turned his head under the premise of trying to study the countertop from a different angle, but Yugi saw a pleased-looking flush over his cheeks. "Well…I talked to my mom today."

"You did?"

"Yeah…and she's getting out of jail at the end of next week."

Yugi could hear the barely-contained happiness in Yami's voice. "Yami, that's great! Can I come with you when you go to meet her?"

"Thanks Yugi…and of course you can. If it wasn't for you…you should have heard her, she was so proud of me…talking about how my father would have been proud too…I've never heard her sound so happy…I know she would love to meet you." Yami couldn't seem to even string a full sentence together.

Yugi just smiled, and his cheeks even flushed a little. The feeling he got inside as Yami spoke was almost overwhelming. Finally, he straightened up and said, "That's wonderful, Yami. I can't wait, it's going to be great. This is cause for a celebration."

"What kind of celebration?" Yami asked, looking amused.

He thought about that for a moment and sobered up a little as he had to rule out his preferred place to hang out. The arcades would be too loud and chaotic. He debated on other ideas. Going to the park seemed boring and a little too sappy. If they dared visit a different game store, his grandpa would have their heads. They _could _just go hang out and play games in his room, but that had an air of "I just want to spend time with you" about it. Just because it was true didn't mean Yami needed to know that. Finally he settled on a choice and looked up. "I'm going to tell Grandpa that you're taking off early today. We're going to the mall."

"…The mall?" Yami asked.

Yugi heard the confusion in his voice, but hurried on. He had finally glimpsed a chance for them to spend time together again. "You don't have to buy anything, I know all your money is going towards rent, but malls are fun and there are places you can get clothes really cheaply if you do want to shop. And there will be music and food and we can walk around and just relax. You've been working all day, every day down here. Let's go relax."

Before Yami could really protest, Yugi's grandfather had agreed he deserved an afternoon off to go have fun, and Yugi was leading him out the door.

* * *

"What do you think?" Yugi asked hopefully. Yami glanced around. They were standing in one of the two cheapest stores in the mall. It was also one of the largest. Yugi had chosen the larger of the two stores on purpose, hoping to set Yami at ease.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to look around," Yami finally replied, stepping forward. Relieved, Yugi followed. He didn't realize his feelings were so obvious, however, until Yami looked up at him from across a rack of jeans and said, "I didn't know you were such a big fan of shopping."

Freezing in the middle of pulling a pair off the rack, Yugi felt that familiar blush creep back. "Oh…I'm not really into shopping at all. I actually find it really boring."

"Then why come here?"

Yugi stared down at the jeans as he thought of an answer. "I just…thought that with winter coming and all that you could use some warmer clothes. And I didn't want you to have to go shopping alone."

Yami was silent for a moment, and Yugi looked up, suddenly panicked that he had offended him somehow. Sure, Yami was probably aware that most of his clothes were approaching threadbare, but surely he wouldn't want that fact rubbed in his face. But when Yami spoke, it was simply to ask:

"You think this is boring, but you still came with me so I'd have company?"

Yugi nodded, and hurried to clarify, "Don't feel guilty or anything, I wanted to come. It's fun with you here." His face went redder and he returned his gaze to the clothing rack.

Yami watched him for a moment, then smiled. "Thank you, Yugi. I think it's fun with you here, too."  
Yugi looked up in surprise and smiled back shyly. "You're welcome."

Without another word Yami went back to perusing the clothing, as did Yugi, but neither of them could stop smiling for quite awhile.

* * *

After looking around and even buying a few things, Yami suggested to that they could go check the other store, which Yugi had told him was worth a look, as it was partially supplied by donations and full of weird things people had dropped off. Yugi, forgetting all about his hatred of shopping and perhaps a bit _too_ pleased about a chance to spend more time with Yami, hurried ahead to show him the way. Yami followed closely, but as they entered the more crowded part of the mall once more, he faltered.

He had lost sight of Yugi, and tried to catch up, pushing through the crowd, which seemed to knit together to stop him from moving. "Yugi! Hold on!"

Without warning, he felt himself going lightheaded, his skin hot and prickly.

_So many people…_

He raised his hand to his forehead. _Damn it, not now…_

"Yugi! Where are you?"

The mall had vanished.

_He was walking through what used to be a street, stumbling over rocks, holding back tears._

_Mom? Dad? Are you here? Where are you?_

_He was pushing his way through the crowd of equally lost souls, his injured left arm bound tightly at his side, and calling for his family; looking up desperately at the face of each person he passed only to see a stranger. He felt so much younger, so much weaker, than fourteen. But even as a small child he had never felt _this_ powerless. The people wouldn't yield to him and someone shoved him as he tried to press through. He fell and landed on his knees, one of which was bare from a rip in the fabric, and was already skinned raw. Releasing a cry of pain, he fell to one side to take the pressure off the wound, and whimpered as his shoulder throbbed. The binding the emergency workers had tied around it had done nothing to stop it from hurting._

_Mom…where are you? You must be here! You must be alive…you're here and you and Dad are looking for me too, right?_

_Right?_

He found himself suddenly on the ground. Concerned voices swirled around him.

"Yami!" He heard a new voice break through, and looked up. His vision cleared.

"Yugi?"

"Yami, are you alright? What happened? Did you trip?"

"I…I got overheated."

Yugi took his hands. "Can you stand up?"

He got to his feet and let Yugi lead him out of the crowd and over to a bench.

"Do you need anything?" Yugi asked, looking stricken.

Yami shook his head. "I'm okay, I don't need anything."

"What happened? You were right behind me, and–"

"I just got overheated, like I said."

Yugi frowned, worry fading into suspicion. _This is exactly how he acted after that car crash._

"We were going to another store, right?" Yami asked, breaking into Yugi's thoughts.

"Well…we were…but are you sure you're all right? We should go home if there's anything wrong."

"I'm fine. There were just too many people in too small of a space there for a moment."

"I don't know," Yugi said doubtfully. Sure, part of him felt let-down at the idea of going home how, but nothing was worth putting Yami at risk.

Yami shook his head. "I'm fine, honestly. It's nothing."

Yugi sighed and managed to smile at him, making up his mind. If it was really a big deal, Yami would have said something. "Alright. Let's go."

Yugi kept a close eye on him until they reached the store and only relaxed after a half-hour of browsing and banter, each attempting to find the strangest clothes he could and daring each other to try wearing them.

"Here Yami, this just has your name on it," Yugi said teasingly, tossing a strange-looking shirt to him with extremely tight sleeves and fluffy feather cuffs.

"Fine, only if you wear this," Yami returned, throwing shiny gold stretchy pants back at him.

They each took a stall, waited till they had each changed, and opened their doors simultaneously.

"Have I mentioned that you're evil?" Yugi asked, frowning as he had to hold the pants – which were far too large – up by the waist.

"I'm evil? Look at what you made me wear." Yami held out his arms. The shirt was tight enough to make it look painted-on.

"Oh, very sexy, you'll have every girl in Japan after you," Yugi replied, struggling to keep a straight face, even as his heart raced unexpectedly. He slunk back into the stall to change and get his heart rate under control. When he emerged he found Yami still struggling to get his shirt off. The sleeves were so tight that he was having a hard time getting them over his hands.

Yugi observed him wrestling with the shirt for a few moments in silent giggles, and finally went to help.

"Okay, hold still, one more tug…oof!" Yugi stumbled back as the shirt relinquished its hold on Yami, who quickly turned to grab his own shirt. Yugi looked up in time to see a long, jagged scar across his left shoulder, twisting onto his arm, before Yami pulled his regular shirt back on and hid it from view. He studied his hands and flexed his fingers.

"Well I think circulation should return in an hour or so." He looked up to see Yugi staring at him. "What?"

"Oh…nothing. I was just thinking that it couldn't have been that tight."

"Are you kidding? My hands feel like pins and needles."

"Let me see." Yugi reached out and took Yami's hand before he could think. He had noticed the small scars before, but had never guessed there might be more, larger ones. How badly injured had he been in that earthquake? Yugi shivered. _He could have been killed so easily…and I never would have met him.  
_  
"Are you okay?" Yami asked as he felt Yugi's grip tighten.

"I'm fine." He traced his finger over one of the white marks on his palm, raising goosebumps on Yami's arms. "Where did you get these scars?"

Yami shook his head just the slightest. "Each one from someplace else, mostly. Um…well a few were from the earthquake and aftershocks. Some from fights or muggers. And that one is from falling off my bike when I about…six years old I think." Yami was referring to the scar that Yugi had traced, and he gazed at his hand with a kind of quiet reminiscence. "I told my parents training wheels were for losers. Not the best idea I ever had."

Silently, Yugi let go of Yami's hand and couldn't meet his eyes. He felt guilty. He'd seen Yami collapse only a half hour before from some unknown memory, how could he forget? But when they were having fun it was just so easy. So easy to forget that for years Yami hadn't been able to go shopping or be playful with friends.

"Yugi? You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry about…you know, asking that."

"Why, what is there to be sorry for?" Yami asked. "It was just a question."

"But…I made you bring up your past again." Yugi glanced up at him.

Understanding registered on Yami's face. "Yugi…it's not that big of a deal." He leaned against the changing stall, tossing the shirt back and forth between his hands. "It happened, you know? It's the past, it happened…and now it's over. I don't want to discuss it every single day, but that doesn't mean you should be afraid to ask me anything about it. Asking won't make it come back."

"I just don't want to be insensitive. That life is over now, but here I am bringing it up, that seems cruel of me."

"I know you don't…and I think that's really nice, Yugi. But asking something in innocence can't really be insensitive. Everyone's got something difficult in their pasts. I'm sure some people would see it as rude, but I won't take offense. If there's something true that you want to say, go ahead and say it." He held his hand out towards Yugi again. "Yeah, there's scars. Reminders. But they're not bad, necessarily. Just there."

Yugi smiled shyly. "I like the way you think, Yami."

"I like the way you think too, though. You look out for other people's feelings and you care about them. I appreciate that. I think I've lost the ability to be tactful sometimes." Yami looked bemused.

"No, you haven't," Yugi hurriedly said, noticing that his heart was racing again. "You're just more straight-to-the-point than other people, that doesn't mean you aren't tactful."

"I suppose." Yami shrugged and stepped forward. "Well, let's go find something else awful to wear. Unless you're ready to go home?"

"No, not yet," Yugi assured and followed him, wishing deep down that they never had to go home.

* * *

For the rest of the week, Yugi would find himself thinking every now and then about what Yami said about the truth. How it couldn't be shameful. And how he should speak up if he had something to say.

He would think about if that applied to things he didn't fully understand.

Mostly what he would think about was how he had feelings for Yami.

Acknowledging that thought was a new experience for him. All his life he'd thought himself a normal, straight guy. Jounouchi would pass along smutty magazines to him, he'd had a perfectly normal crush on Anzu when they were kids…it was true that he wasn't much of a fighter, but being a pacifist didn't make someone gay. He'd even envisioned his basic future: one day he'd meet the right girl, settle down, have a family...it was the life everyone expected him to want and he'd always thought it sounded okay. But almost the moment he'd met Yami he'd felt…different. Yami's voice and eyes had captivated him from the start, but he'd assumed his interest was just curiosity. He had noticed that Yami was good-looking, but figured he was just noticing that the same way as he noticed that he had red eyes and bushy hair. As he slowly got to see Yami's soul and heart his feeling of attachment had only grown stronger, so he explained it away as friendship. The blushing and racing heart were just shyness because he wasn't usually demonstrative. The worrying was just because Yami obviously lived in a dangerous world and worrying about one's friend was natural. He had a reason for everything, and thought it had to all tie back to friendship, it _had_ to, because anything else was just stupid. Now he realized if it really was only friendship, he wouldn't have felt a need to explain it away.

There was no lying to himself. Now he knew why that 'normal' future had sounded okay at the time – because it was only an idea. Yami had changed everything, awoken him to the fact that life wasn't all scripted perfectly. Shit happened, and futures couldn't be counted on. Yami was proof, he had to know what he wanted and he'd had to fight for it. Yugi thought now about what he really wanted, what he'd be willing to fight for, and he realized that living that life, that normal, 'okay' life, sounded like hell. And maybe…maybe part of the reason was because he didn't want to meet the right girl. Maybe, all this time, he'd been waiting for…someone else.

From the first moment he considered it, the first time he wondered, "_Is this more than friendship?_" it all made sense. And while "new," he couldn't really say it was a bad moment, or even a weird one. Yugi wondered if he should feel more concerned. He thought that, having spent his whole life assuming he was straight, he really ought to be having more difficulty coming to grips with himself. Rather than panic or confusion, however, he felt oddly at peace.

And part of him wanted to tell Yami. But another part, the sensible part, told him not to be ridiculous.

_You're lucky that he's such a good friend of yours now, don't screw that up._

Still, were they really just friends? Sometimes Yugi would wonder if they weren't something more in an unspoken way. He couldn't help remembering the day he had brought Yami home, how when he held Yami's hand, Yami had held his hand back. Did friends do that?

Yami had lived someplace else, he told himself, and his family undoubtedly had its own customs. Maybe to him it actually was just a friendly thing to do, and Yugi was only attaching hopeful significance to it.

He reminded himself that he knew nothing about Yami's thoughts regarding relationships. Their political discussions mostly centered on social aid. Yami seemed unusually quiet and soft-spoken for a teenager, and he never ogled women the way Yugi had seen Jounouchi and Honda do, but that didn't necessarily prove anything. For all he knew, Yami would be horrified at the thought of dating another guy, much less Yugi himself. And what about their families? He knew his parents, having no reason to suspect that he was gay, wouldn't take the news lightly. What about Yami's mom? What would she think? His friends would probably _accept_ it, but he couldn't be entirely sure that they would be comfortable. If he went and told Yami how he felt, he risked alienating all these people, and losing Yami's friendship.

Despite trying to convince himself that things could stay the way they were, with nobody having to know, Yugi would find himself lying awake in bed at night. Thinking about Yami, just two floors below.

And he'd find himself thinking about the times when they had touched, how gentle Yami's hands were; when they had hugged, about how warm Yami's body was. How easy it was to hold him. The way Yami's eyes would soften when their gazes met.

What it might feel like to have Yami lying beside him right that moment, in his arms, his breath on his skin…

And then Yugi would shake his head and try to clear the thoughts, but he couldn't fully banish them or the blush that would appear on his face when his thoughts strayed that way.

Finally, one evening, he would make a choice.

* * *

"Yami? I need to ask you something."

"What's that?" Yami glanced over his shoulder as he shook out a blanket over his bed. He had finally consented to using the blankets they'd left him, and used most of them to build up the thin mat to a more respectable bed. As usual, Yami was fully dressed. He had vetoed the idea of buying pajamas specifically, because in his current state buying clothes only for sleeping in seemed frivolous, and also years of conditioning had made him uncomfortable sleeping in anything other than jeans and a T-shirt.

"Well, you told me that if I had something I had to tell you, that I should. That there would be nothing wrong with that."

"That's right, I did."

"What if…does that also apply if something is true, but it might cause bad feelings between us?"

Yami furrowed his eyebrows. "Um…maybe you could give me some more details." He sat down on the mat and patted the place next to him. Yugi sat down and stared at the floor.

"I…it's like, Yami…there's something that I think I should tell you. But if it would ruin our friendship, then should I say it?"

Yami gazed at him. "Well I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, Yugi," he said. "But I think, if you feel it needs to be said, that it probably should be. You don't want to regret _not _saying anything later. So if you feel like it's something you need to say, whatever the outcome, I'll understand…if that's what you're trying to ask."

"I don't really know what I'm trying to ask," Yugi finally admitted.

Yami stayed silent. He didn't ask for anything else. Yugi had a feeling that Yami was offering him the choice, that he could speak or he could walk away, and if he walked away right now Yami would probably never bring up this conversation again. He appreciated that.

Maybe that was what gave him the courage to say, "Yami…I've never known anybody quite like you. I don't mean because of where you came from, but…in your actions, your words, your beliefs…I don't think anyone else could be just like you. I think…maybe that's part of what makes you so special. Special…to me."

Yami was quiet. His eyes were trained on Yugi, his face partially shadowed.

"I know it's not normal, and I don't want to jeopardize the great friendship that we have," Yugi whispered. "But you're…you mean a lot to me, you mean more than a lot and…I think…you deserve the truth. I have feelings for you."

"When you say that–"

"I mean…I don't think of you as just a friend. I feel like you're more, like you're…" Yugi was unable to finish his sentence. His heart was pounding so loud he was sure Yami must be able to hear it; the whole house must be able to hear it.

He just wanted Yami to respond, even if the response was horror or disgust, he just wanted Yami to say something.

But Yami was not speaking.

"Yami, please, say something," Yugi finally whispered, his eyes closed.

"What if I can't?" he said, his voice higher than usual.

Yugi kept his eyes closed. A simple "no," a simple, "I don't feel the same," would have been more than enough, and Yugi could have gone to bed, if not at peace, at least with an understanding. Instead Yami had to be vague. Yugi struggled for composure. "What does that mean?"

Yami didn't answer. Finally, Yugi looked up at him and was startled by his expression. Yami's eyes were wide with fear.

"You…you can't be scared," Yugi said, trembling. "_I'm_ scared. We can't both be scared. One of us has to be brave enough to answer."

"As more than friends?" Yami finally said. "You mean…love?"

Yugi nodded. "Eventually, I mean," he said hastily. "You don't have to use that word right now, I just…I really like you."  
_  
Oh Yugi. You shouldn't…_

"Is friendship…not enough?" Yami asked, almost desperately.

"It's more than enough, but I don't think I should lie to you," Yugi replied quietly. "I shouldn't keep secrets from you, and if I feel something deeper…"

Yami couldn't speak. _You should never love me._

"Yami? If you don't feel the same just say so, it's okay. I'll understand."

There was still fear in Yami's eyes. "I do though," he whispered, his voice cracking. "I do, but…"

That was as far as he got before Yugi cupped his face with his hands, and the touch killed any protests he had.

"You mean it?" Yugi asked, his voice shaking as much as his body. "You feel the same?"

Yami couldn't pull away. He nodded, but choked, "But…you can't…_I_ can't…"

Yugi smiled, melting the last of Yami's resistance and stopping his argument. There was nothing in the world powerful enough to make him destroy that smile.

Slowly, Yugi pulled him closer. "No, Yami, it's okay. Trust me."

Before Yami could warn him away, Yugi leaned in, pulled Yami's face to his, and kissed him.

It was a shy, fumbling kiss, their lips meeting for a short and uncertain moment, but it was enough to flood Yami's mind with new emotions. Or, perhaps, very old ones that he had simply been trying to forget.

"Mmn…Yugi…" he whispered against his lips. Yugi silenced him with another, more confident kiss that he couldn't help returning.

Once apart, Yami tightened his arms around him, clutching him to his chest. Speechless, he buried his face in Yugi's hair.

"Thank you," Yugi said, resting his head on Yami's chest. His cheeks flushed as he realized how stupid it sounded, but Yami didn't laugh. Deciding that the silence was actually rather nice, Yugi breathed in deeply, taking in his warmth, and kept holding on.

Although Yami didn't say it, he knew at this moment that this was something not even his darkest fears could stop now. He'd felt it for weeks, and he thought he had wanted to put a stop to it. He'd tried to will it to go away. He'd tried to explain why Yugi should leave him. He had let down his guard enough to convince himself a friendship wouldn't hurt, but nothing more. Yet here he was, curled on a make-shift bed in a dusty store room, his arms around Yugi. There it was, the warm, stupid feeling, the silly belief that this would work…and he was selfish, because he didn't want to make it go away.

"Don't thank me," he finally whispered back, as his eyes stung. _Please don't ever thank me._

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Let us all be thankful for Puzzleshipping, if nothing else. xD I threw some fanservice in, that counts for something right?  
Also, good luck to fellow WriMos who haven't hit 50k yet. We're in the home stretch...! (I've got about 7000 words left to go myself. So close, but it feels so very far...)


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 07  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

The next morning, Yugi awoke feeling odd. It took him a minute to remember the night before. His confession. Their kiss.

His cheeks went red. Happiness and uncertainty battled inside him as he tested out the thought, _I have a boyfriend._

Didn't he? Technically he and Yami hadn't come right out and agreed they were dating…Yami hadn't said much of anything after the kiss, really, other than a quiet, "good night" when Yugi had left. But…they had both agreed to having feelings for each other. That was close enough, wasn't it?

Unless, sometime overnight, Yami had changed his mind.

Fear replacing his happy feelings, Yugi jumped up and hurried downstairs, not even bothering to change clothes. He found Yami sitting stiffly at the table, Yugi's mother hovering nearby.

"Good morning Yugi," she said, causing Yami's head to shoot up. He and Yugi met eyes, then he looked back down at his glass of orange juice.

"Hi Mom. Um, Yami, can I talk to you?"

Yami nodded and got up, following him back up the stairs. As soon as they reached the landing, they both spoke at once:

"Yugi, about what–"

"Yami, are we–"

They both stopped, and Yugi assumed by Yami's silence that he was supposed to go first. So he tried again, "Are we…technically dating now? After what happened? I mean, if…if you still feel the same, then dating seems…like the natural thing now, right?"

Yami looked uncomfortable. "I– I guess."

"You guess what?" Yugi asked nervously. "That we should date? Or that you…feel the same? Because if you don't–"

Yugi was even offering him an easy way out. All he had to do was say, _I'm sorry, last night I was just confused, I think we should only be friends._

Instead, the fool he was, he shook his head. "No. I meant…about dating. But it's fine. If you think we should…then we can."

"I just need to know what to tell my friends," Yugi said, hope returning. "If this is going to be a relationship, then…I think they need to know. But I don't want to spread any information around that you aren't comfortable with."

"It's fine," Yami said, swallowing. "It's fine, you can tell them."

Yugi smiled shyly at him, and reached out cautiously to take his hand. Then he leaned in and placed a fast kiss on Yami's lips, causing both their faces to flush, but earning him a quiet smile back.

"I have to go get ready for school," Yugi said, his heart pounding again as he turned and hurried back to his room.

Left where he was, Yami groaned slightly. Scratch that, he wasn't a fool. He was a hopeless, happily _drowning_ fool.

* * *

"Yami and I are dating."

His announcement, probably the biggest announcement of his life so far, was met with blank stares.

"You and Yami are _what_?" Honda demanded.

"Dating."

"As in…you're a couple?"

Yugi nodded.

"When did this happen?" Anzu asked, eyes wide.

"Last night. I…I've been thinking for awhile about how I feel and last night I decided to talk to him," Yugi said, figuring he'd might as well get the whole story out. "And we talked, and…" He wasn't sure they were ready to hear about kissing yet. "He feels the same."

"Isn't this going kind of fast? You only met him two months ago."

"But I've spent days just talking to him about everything. And we've lived together for awhile now and I know his whole history," Yugi replied to her. "It doesn't feel like he's such a stranger."

"So you're gay?"

Leave it to Jounouchi to cut straight to the chase. Of course, he was the one who had always loaned Yugi heterosexual smut videos in the past. No wonder he was confused. Yugi shrugged. "I don't know. I think bi would be the right term. I'm still figuring this out too. I just know…I like Yami as more than a friend. This is what I want, I'm happy."

As he had expected, he was beginning to see acceptance in their faces. But there would be no celebrating, no slaps on the back, no "hey, that's great!" He hadn't expected any, but it still dampened his happiness. He would have at least liked their support.

"Really, this is a good thing," he said. "I know you had a rocky start with him, but…you've seen him in the store since then and you know why he freaked out, so it's all okay now, right? He cares about me, that's got to mean something, doesn't it? And I'll still have plenty of time to hang out with you guys, things will barely change at all, you'll see."

"It isn't like we can really tell you what to do," Anzu said. "It's your life, your choice of…partner."

"I know, but your support still means a lot," Yugi said hopefully.

She took a deep breath. "Then I support you. I mean, if you two are happy…then why not?"

He looked over at Jounouchi and Honda, who both nodded in agreement with her.

"Never thought you'd be the first one among us to have a real relationship," Honda finally said, making them all laugh.

It wasn't exactly an enthusiastic endorsement, but Yugi was willing to take it.

* * *

A week later found Yami and Yugi sitting on Yami's bed Monday evening, arms around each others' shoulders as they cuddled. As long as they kept their voices low, they would be able to hear anybody coming down the stairs in time to assume a more innocent scene. Yugi still wasn't sure how he would tell his parents.

He snuggled up closer. "Hey, Yami?"

"Hm?"

"I've been wondering, what does your mother look like? And your father?"

"Well…" He paused. "I'm not very good at descriptions, what if I showed you a picture?"

"You have pictures?" Yugi asked, sitting up as Yami knelt to rummage through his belongings.

"Only a few. We were allowed to go back into the house for belongings after the aftershocks subsided, but part of it had completely fallen in…we were only able to save a few." He straightened up, holding an envelope, and shook out the photographs. With his back to Yugi, he shuffled through them and slid one back into the envelope before turning and handing the rest over. "Here…it was taken a long time ago, but you get the idea."

Yugi took the pictures and smiled at the top one. He took a moment to study the tall woman and rather shorter man, noting similarities between their traits and Yami's, but his eyes were drawn to the small boy standing between the two adults. Yami's younger self beamed through missing teeth at the camera. "How old were you?"

"Seven, I think." His cheeks reddened. "Focus on my parents, alright?"

Yugi shuffled through the stack, grinning particularly broadly at one of a smiling woman holding a baby with unusually coloured hair, and then handed them back. He saw Yami glance at the pictures as he put them away, and noticed the look in his eyes. Once Yami had settled back beside him, Yugi leaned his head on his shoulder and whispered, "You miss your mom, don't you?"

Yami sighed. "I suppose it isn't very cool for an eighteen-year-old to say he misses his mother. But after everything, with her being the only family I have…yes, I do."

"Well, she'll get out soon and then you can live together again," Yugi said cheerfully.

Yami didn't reply, just glanced down at the floor. His voice seemed sad. "Yeah."

Gently, Yugi stroked a lock of Yami's hair. "It'll be alright."

He smiled and hugged Yugi closer. "I'm glad you believe in that."

Yugi snuggled against his chest, gazing up into his eyes. "I know it might be too early for me to say this, but I…I want to. I love you," he whispered.

For a moment Yami closed his eyes, letting the words sink in along with all the feelings they brought. He wanted to remember this feeling forever, wanted to burn it into his memories so that nothing could erase it. "I love you, too," he started to whisper back.

He only made it as far as "I lo–" At that moment he opened his eyes and looked down to see a corpse staring back at him. Half its face was pasty and streaked with blood, the other half crushed and unrecognizable as human.

He felt his heart begin to pound in his ears.

_I love you._

_And suddenly he was back at that day, cradling a broken, cold body, sobbing too hard to breathe._

_I love you._

_The corpse stared back, its single light-brown eye fixated, unseeing, forever._

With a sudden cry, he released the figure and threw himself off the mat, sliding across the floor on his knees, his right hand pressed over his mouth as the room spun and a wave of nausea overtook him.

"Yami!"

He fought back the bitterness in his throat, and slowly the room came back into focus.

"Yami? Are you okay, are you sick? Should I get help?" Yugi was kneeling beside him, one hand on his shoulder.

Slowly he lowered his hand. "Some water…would be good," he said hoarsely.

Grateful for something helpful to do, Yugi jumped to his feet. "Water, okay. I'll be right back. Don't move."

As Yugi's footsteps faded up the stairs, Yami curled where he was. What _was _that? He had been feeling just fine – happy, even. Happy emotions had never caused this before!  
_  
Is it because of trying to say…?_

Softly, under his breath, he said, "I love y–"

That was as far as he got before he felt cold, creeping sickness in his chest, forcing him to stop.

"Here, I got water," Yugi said, skidding back into the room and crouching down to hand him the glass. Yami took it, taking a few gulps to clear his throat.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Yugi folded his legs, staying close by, peering at him with concern. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I don't know what happened." He set the glass down. "But I can't…I can't say those words."

"What words?" Yugi said, confused. "You mean 'I love you?'"

Slowly, Yami nodded.

Yugi was silent for a long moment, not knowing what to make of that. He felt worried, confused…slightly disappointed even, because he would have loved to hear those words from Yami. But one look at Yami's pale face told him this was no act.

"It's okay," he finally said. "You don't have to. I mean…I know that you love me. I guess there's no reason why you should have to say it if it…causes something like this."

Yami tried to smile at him, and his voice was calmer as he said, "Thank you for the water," but there was no way to erase his expression. And it was his expression that worried Yugi most of all.

* * *

"Hey Yugi, what'cha doing?" Jounouchi asked, clapping him on the shoulder. Yugi jumped.

"Jounouchi! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Sorry. What's on the computer that's so fascinating?" he said, peering over Yugi's shoulder at the screen. "Post-traumatic stress disorder…no way, don't tell me you're actually doing that science essay a _week_ before it's due. Your mom's nagging about procrastination must have finally gotten to you."

Yugi shook his head. "It's not for the project, just research for myself."

Jounouchi pulled up a chair. "Research for what?"

"For Yami. Do you know anything about post-traumatic stress?"

"Sure, they talked about it in that war documentary Hiroki-sensei showed. Soldiers get it."

"Not just soldiers." Yugi scrolled down the page. "There are tons of other reasons people have it. Including disasters."

"Oh…I think I know what this is about now." Jounouchi leaned against the table. "But what's the big deal? Yami already told you he had problems from the earthquake, that's not news."

"I don't think he told me the entirety of those problems. I've done some research on panic attacks and phobias, and his reactions don't match up. Then I found this." He clicked a link. "Flashbacks."

"You think he has flashbacks?"

Yugi turned toward him. "It's the only possibility. That's why he was muttering when he heard the car crash, and that's why he didn't hear me at first when he collapsed at the mall. I don't think he's aware of what's happening around him."

Jounouchi tried to think of a polite way to say his next sentences. "Yug…I still don't really see why this is a big deal. I guess it ought to be expected that he might've had this disorder and if he does, then flashbacks are part of it. He was trapped under a building for hours, that's going to mess a person up. Why is it a surprise to you?"

"It's not a surprise, it just raises some questions. He had one last night. We were…" Yugi trailed off, recalling the moment.

"You were what?" Jounouchi asked. Suddenly, his expression turned to one of fascinated shock. "You were…? _Seriously_?"

"No, not _that_!" Yugi snapped, lowering his voice quickly as his face flared red. "We were cuddling!"

"Okay, well, you were being so cryptic, what else was I supposed to assume?" Jounouchi defended.

"We were just cuddling," Yugi said, with emphasis on the 'just.' His face was still red. "And…I told him I loved him."

Jounouchi looked uncomfortable. "Yugi, this sounds more like something you should discuss with Anzu. She's better with this stuff."

"He freaked out," Yugi said, as if not hearing Jounouchi's misgivings.

"He freaked out because you told him you loved him?"

"No. He seemed happy to hear that. He freaked out when he tried to tell me he loved me back. He couldn't say the words. He was almost sick over it. And for a second, he went into that state where it was like he was watching something only he could see." Yugi pointed at the screen. "I think it was another flashback."

"Why would saying 'I love you' cause a flashback? Unless the earthquake happened when he was in the middle of confessing his feelings to someone. Talk about bad timing."

Yugi shrugged. "I don't know. He's never mentioned any other relationship. I guess I never asked though." He gazed thoughtfully at the screen.

"Yugi," Jounouchi said nervously. "I recognize that look."

"What look?"

"The look like you're trying to figure out how to help him. You used to give me and Honda that look all the time."

"So what? I do want to help him. It hurts to see him so scared and upset," Yugi said.

"Has he asked for your help?"

"No, but I'm sure he doesn't like having phobias and flashbacks, so he'd probably appreciate–"

"Yugi, can I just interrupt here?" Jounouchi asked, grimacing slightly. Yugi fell silent. "Look…how long did it take before Honda and I figured out that you wanted to help us and we accepted your friendship?"

"Grade school, up until a year ago."

"Exactly. Now, all along we might have known that you only had our best interests at heart. We might have even known deep down that accepting your friendship would make life much better. But we weren't interested and it took a lot of years before we accepted it."

"What does this have to do with Yami?"

Jounouchi rested his hand on Yugi's shoulder. "Just…don't try to force help on him until he asks for it. You might not like his reaction, and I don't want to see you hurt."

Slowly, Yugi looked up and nodded. "I know."

* * *

As the week wore on, Yugi began to notice a change in Yami. The closer it got to Friday, the more depressed he seemed. At first it could have been chalked down to tiredness or nervousness or stress, (all of which Yugi tried to tell himself), but when his mood only seemed to get worse, Yugi began to worry.

"Well, tomorrow's the big day, isn't it?" he finally asked Yami on Thursday afternoon.

"Huh?"

"The day your mother gets out? Isn't it tomorrow?"

"Oh…yeah…it is." Yami seemed even more upset.

"Yami, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, I know you better than that."

"Nothing…just…" He bowed his head and mumbled something.

"What?"

"I…I don't have enough."

"Enough what?"

"Enough money. For an apartment. I've been calculating it again and again all this week. All the leases on any decent apartments require the first and last month's payment and a security deposit, _and _I have to be able to pay for groceries and things to get her set up. I don't have enough for all of that."

"You've only been working here for a little while. It's okay if you don't have enough yet, you'll have enough soon and she can get a job too, can't she?"

"Yeah, but what's she supposed to do in the meantime?" Yami asked.

"She can stay here."

"No, she can't. Yugi, your family let me stay and I'm grateful, but they're not going to take another person in."

"Well we could at least ask them."

"No."

"Then where is she going to go?" Yugi asked reasonably.

"I don't know. The homeless shelter maybe, we've stayed there before. But if she does, I'll go back with her," Yami finally replied.

"Yami, you can't, that isn't your world anymore–"

"I'm not making her live out there alone." Yami's tone was gruff. "So unless by tomorrow I have the money for the lease on an apartment, I'm not staying here. I'll work here, but I won't stay."

"I'll ask Grandpa to loan you the money. _I'll_ loan you the money. I'd _give _you the money for free, it wouldn't matter–"

"No, no loans, not even for this."

"He wouldn't mind, you know. None of us would mind giving you the money."

"I know. But I'm not taking a loan and certainly not gift money from you guys…after everything you've done for me I won't ask for anything else, you've already done too much."

"Yami…" Yugi began, thinking that in this situation Yami should be able to ignore his pride, but Yami shook his head.

"Yugi, please…don't. Don't press this right now, okay?" He looked at Yugi sadly. Yugi looked back, and nodded, touching Yami's hand for a moment.

"Okay, I won't." He gave his palm a caress, and then went back upstairs to do his homework, although he couldn't concentrate at all.

That evening, Yami took a shower and announced he was going to bed early. Yugi went to give him a good-night hug and kiss.

"Try not to worry too much."

Yami shrugged. "Worrying won't fix anything." He pulled the blankets up over himself and squeezed Yugi's hand once. "Good night."

"Good night." Yugi got up and stood beside the doorway for a long time, until he thought he was sleeping peacefully. Jounouchi's words of warning came back to him.  
_  
I know he didn't ask for help, but if he doesn't know that I helped then he can't be mad_, he reasoned. With this to quiet his conscience, he returned upstairs and called his mother and grandfather into the living room.

"Mom, Grandpa…I have a favor to ask."

"What is it?"

"Well…um…could Yami's mother maybe…stay with us?"

"What?" they both asked, looking confused.

"It's Yami's mother, she needs a place to stay, and Yami refuses to ask you, so–"

"I thought Yami moved away from his parents because they had no money and that's why he's staying here," Yugi's mother said, looking suspicious. "Why does his mother suddenly need help?"

Yugi shifted uncomfortably. To help his friends understand Yami better, he'd told them the whole story, but he hadn't exactly told his family the truth when he convinced them to let Yami stay with them. He'd told them that Yami had to drop out of school because they had no money, and sort of skirted the issue of where his parents were. It had seemed like the best thing to do at the time.

"Well…actually…most of Yami's family is dead. They were killed in the earthquake a few years ago down south. His mother is his only close relative left."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Yugi's grandfather said. "But why does she need a place to stay? Doesn't she have her own home?"

"Um…no. She doesn't."

"Why not? Was she evicted?"

"Yeah…yeah, she was." Yugi seized on this excuse. "And she and Yami don't have enough money combined for a new place yet, so if she could just stay here a couple days…"

"I don't believe this." A new voice joined the conversation.

Yugi turned around and saw Yami standing in the doorway, staring at Yugi with a mixture of hurt and disbelief in his eyes.

"Yami, I…"

"You're ashamed," he said incredulously. "You're ashamed…to tell them. Yugi…I…I can't believe this."

"No, Yami, it's not that–"

"If it wasn't that then why don't you tell your family the truth? If you're going to go behind my back and ask for things I told you not to ask for, why don't you give them the real story at least? I thought they knew the truth about where my mother was! I thought they welcomed me here in spite of that, but they actually didn't know anything about us at all, did they?" Yami's voice was rising.

"Yami, yes, it's true, I didn't tell them everything, but not because I was ashamed!" Yugi said, pleading, begging Yami with his eyes not to be angry.

"So, there _is _more to this?" Yugi's mother folded her arms. "Yami, maybe you could tell us what's really going on? Yugi seems to be withholding details. Your mother was evicted?"

"My mother is in jail," Yami said quietly, his eyes narrowing at the recoil in their expressions, "and has been for the last few months. And we haven't had a real home in a long time. We've been homeless for the last year."

"Yugi, that isn't what you told us," Sugoroku, beginning to look upset as well, turned toward his grandson.

"I'm sorry, I just…really wanted this chance for Yami, and I thought you'd like him more and be more willing to take him in if you didn't know his past–" Yugi stopped, realizing what he had done as he saw the hurt and confused look on Yami's face turn to one of bitterness.

"So that's how it is. You were ashamed of who I am." Yami's voice shook.

"No, that came out wrong–"

"You lied to me when you said it didn't matter that my mother was in jail and you lied when you said you respected me in spite of things other people might think! What else did you lie about? Did you lie when you said you loved me, too?"

Yugi's family had nothing to say to that accusation. Yugi was in tears.

"Yami, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, but none of those were lies! I really did mean everything, I'm not ashamed of you, I'm not!"

"You thought they would _like me more_ if I wasn't really me!" He glared. "So I've been two different people all along? Which of those people did you kiss? The real me or the one who you've invented that conveniently gets rid of everything shameful about me?"

"Kiss?" Yugi's mother finally asked.

"Yami, it's not like that at all!"

"Wait, you kissed him?" Mrs. Mutou was trying her hardest to find a hold in the three-way conversation, directing the question toward Yami.

Yugi ignored her, still looking at Yami desperately. "I love you, Yami, everything about you. There is nothing shameful about you or your family."

"You're a couple? When did this happen? What happened to Anzu, I thought you liked her," his mother said.

"I do like her, she's my friend. _Just _my friend."

"But you were so cute together, and I always thought you liked girls–"

"Mom, this really isn't the time right now!" Yugi finally said, though not taking his eyes off of Yami.

"Why is your mother in jail?" Yugi's grandfather asked Yami during a lull as Yugi's mother's expression grew more severe.

Yami, his jaw clenched, said, "She was arrested for theft. She was a housekeeper, and was caught stealing things from some houses to sell. And also for prostitution."

Yugi could see the shock and disgust in his family's eyes, and tried to intervene, hoping to inspire sympathy. "They've had a really hard time, and I love Yami, and I really want to help them–"

"Yugi, you're sixteen, and you don't know anything about love, much less what you learned from some drifter off the street."

"Mom, this isn't even the point right now. I knew the first day that I cared about him."

"How could you ever know something like that?" she asked.

"Because, I could just look at him and tell! And I know he feels the same way back! Now please, I just want to help–"

"He lives on the streets and his mother was a thief and a prostitute, how can you expect him to know anything about love or responsibility?" she fired back.

"Leave her out of this!" Yami snarled, cutting in. "She did what she did in an attempt to give me a better life, would a bad person do something like that? You're a mother yourself, if it came down to doing something illegal or taking care of your son, which would you pick?"

Yugi's mother fell silent. Yami was panting from the force of shouting. Yugi was struggling to control tears. Yugi's grandfather, however, still seemed to be assessing the situation. Then he said, "Yami, I'm sorry about this misunderstanding. My opinion is only half the choice, but if your mother needs a place to stay for a few days–"

"No. I told Yugi, no." Yami's voice was still low and cold. "He already offered to me and I told him not to ask you. I'm not going to put my mother in debt to you as well."

Yugi's mother, having spent the lull glancing between Yami and her son, deep in thought, shook her head. "Yami, you can't stay here anymore."

"Mom, no," Yugi begged, but she ignored him.

"I just don't think it's a good idea. Perhaps…I know you don't have enough, so if we gave you the money–"

Yugi froze, and tried to shake his head at her from behind Yami, trying to warn her not to go on. She didn't pick up on the signals. "How much do you need? If it's a manageable amount, we could make up the difference."

Yami's eyes flared. "I told you, I don't want pity handouts."

"Yami, she didn't mean it that way, she doesn't understand–" Yugi hurried to explain.

"Yugi, shut up, you clearly don't understand either!" Yami snapped. Yugi shrank back, shocked and crushed. "I thought I was given this job because of who I was, because you saw me as hard-working and deserving of it despite my…our…pasts. I thought…" He stopped, turning away from Yugi suddenly and hissing at the floor. "My mistake. I won't make it again." Turning, he strode toward the stairs leading to the private entrance.

"Yami, wait!" Yugi took off after him, grabbing his arm at the top of the stairs leading down to the front door.

"Yugi, let me go." Yami was refusing to look at him.

"No, I'm not. Yami, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about everything, but please don't leave–"

"I'm not staying in a place I'm only welcome in because the people there don't know who I really am!"

"Yami, I'm sorry I told them what I did, but I did it for you, because I love you and I just wanted…I just wanted to help somehow. I wanted to do something and I wasn't thinking." He waited, hoping Yami would relent. "Yami?"

Yami still refused to meet his eyes and looked away at the wall. "This was a mistake. I knew it was all wrong. I shouldn't have given in."

"No. Don't do this, don't say that–"

"Yugi, let go of me." Yami's voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper, and that was the only reason Yugi let go. Yami wasn't shouting anymore. This quiet, wounded version of him was a hundred times worse than ever seeing his anger and Yugi knew he had to let go.

"At least…at least let me go get you your things," Yugi choked.

Yami jerked his head in what Yugi interpreted to be a nod, and Yugi turned and ran to the shop, scrambling for Yami's belongings. Half-blinded by tears, he tripped and fell, spilling the contents of the cart.

"Oh no…" He began stuffing clothing back in, and felt something made of paper under his foot. Wiping his eyes, he picked it up to see it was the envelope of pictures. It had fallen open. Crouching, he picked up the loose photos. His eyes fell on one that looked unfamiliar.

He ran his sleeve over his face again and blinked to clear his vision before picking up the picture and peering more closely at it. Yami, looking around age twelve or so, smiled out of it with his arm around another smiling boy with short, dark hair and light brown eyes. Yugi flipped the picture over, but found no clue to the other boy's identity.  
_  
Why wasn't this in with the other pictures he showed me?_

There was no time to wonder about it. He slid the pictures back inside, latched the crate, and dragged it back upstairs and down the hall to the front door. "Here."

Yami merely took it and turned away.

Yugi couldn't stop himself from speaking. "Y-Yami…?"

Finally, Yami looked back. Yugi saw tears running down his cheeks, and he wanted to reach out and hold him again the way he had before when Yami had cried and looked at him with hurt like that in his face. But before he could, Yami had walked down the stairs and out the door.

Yugi thought about going after him, and then didn't. He knew when he had crossed the line. So he returned to the living room where his mother was undoubtedly waiting to lecture him for lying. Another fight…but a fight that couldn't possibly hurt as much as this one did.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **The chapters are getting longer... xD This one was sixteen pages. Guhh...poor guys, 16 pages of aaaangst.

Good luck to everyone who still has exams left to go, and congrats to everybody who's out of school for the holiday!


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 08  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

Yami stood, wincing at the sound of a loud clang from behind the door separating the lobby and the prison. The door opened, and a middle-aged woman stepped out, followed by a guard. She brightened instantly. "Yami!"

"Hi Mom," he said, forcing a smile back. She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"Yami, I'm so happy to see you," she said, unashamed of the tears in her eyes. She was free, and she could see her son again. Yami thought he would be sharing in the tears of happiness, but even now he was finding it hard to smile.

"Do you…I mean, is there anything you need to get before leaving?" he finally asked. She held up a thick envelope.

"I have all the paperwork here. The clerk explained everything to me earlier."

As she spoke, Yami studied his mother, noting the increase of age and stress lines in her face. Her long, black hair had new streaks of gray that he hadn't seen before. However, her eyes, which were brown, remained the same as they always had. Gentle, calm, matter-of-fact, they never shifted. If one thing could be said for Eve Atemu, she was not the kind of person to fall apart. Everything about her gave the impression of comfort and steadiness.

And yet now, when Yami thought of comfort, he thought of Yugi.

It should have been so easy to tell himself that Yugi never loved him and to live with the anger, but he couldn't. And far from anger, all he felt was pain in his heart. He'd have gladly traded it for the anger, which couldn't hurt nearly this much, if only he was able.

"Yami? Ready to go?"

"Oh…yeah, sorry." Yami followed her out the door.

Outside, she smiled broadly and put one arm around his shoulders as they walked, saying, "I think you've gotten taller."

Yami smiled a little. "Well, my jeans did get shorter. That height had to come from somewhere."

"So, tell me about everything that's been going on."

"Well, er, I'm jobless again."

"Why? What happened?" She looked concerned, noticing the sudden change in his tone, and knowing in the way that parents often do that she wasn't getting the full story.

"I quit. They weren't the kind of people I thought they were," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Yugi didn't tell them my whole story, and I only found out yesterday. I thought all along that they knew the truth and liked me anyway, but turns out they didn't. It was all an illusion. We all said some unkind things, and I left." Yami shook his head, striving to brush it off. "But anyway, it'll be alright, I have a lot of money saved. If even just one of us can find a job, we could afford the starting lease on an apartment really soon…and you told me a month ago about the rehabilitation agencies that the officers were saying you should contact–"

"Yami."

"Huh?"

"Who is Yugi?" For she had also noticed the change in his voice when he said Yugi's name.

"The…the person I told you about, the one who helped me out. He was…different. He didn't treat me badly, he wasn't bothered when I told him about you and about my problems. He didn't pity me, he just…cared about me. At least, that's what I believed until yesterday, when I found out he lied about who I was to his family, because he thought they would 'like me more' if they didn't know my past."

She heard bitterness come into his voice. She had never heard a tone quite like this come from him before. As hard as he was trying to hide it, she could tell that this person, Yugi, had managed to wound him somehow. Simply lying couldn't have been the only thing that happened.

"Yami, are you okay?"

Yami closed his eyes for a moment and waited for the tears that had begun to collect there at the thought of Yugi to go away, and then he smiled at her. "Of course I am. I'm sorry, I'm kind of tired and I'm just…overwhelmed. I'm so glad to see you."

"I'm happy too, Yami. I'm never going to do those things and let us be torn apart again." She hugged him again, and though he hugged her back, she felt the stiffness in his shoulders. She wanted to chalk it down to stress, but knew that wasn't it. Her son was clearly deeply unhappy about something.

They got lunch and sat down in the park to eat, admiring the scenery and talking about everything except the last few months of Yami's life. Yami was starting to feel better about things, when his mother pointed at his jeans' pocket and said, "Your handkerchief is about to fall out."

Yami quickly reached down, pulled out the handkerchief and started folding it into a tight square so it would stay in the pocket better.

"What's this stain?"

"Nothing, it's nothing–"

"It looks like blood. Yami, were you hurt?"

"It was only a scratch on my arm, Yugi tied this around it before I could stop him–" Yami stopped, realizing whose name he'd said. He started folding faster.

Eve Atemu was not an unobservant woman. And within the last hour she had seen her son react incredibly strangely at any mention of this boy called Yugi. She folded her arms.

"Yami, I know there's something about Yugi that you're not telling me."

"No, there's nothing."

"Yami."

Yami sighed and tucked the handkerchief back into his pocket before folding his hands. "Okay, fine. I…Yugi and I…we were dating. I lo– I really…cared about him."

Her face softened quickly. She knew that Yami had spent years building up walls around his heart. To hear him say that he had grown to let someone – anyone, regardless of gender – in was like a dream come true for her. Although, honestly, the fact that Yami had chosen another man wasn't too much of a shock, knowing what she did about Yami's past. He hadn't had to come right out and say anything for her to have suspicions. "Oh, Yami…"

"But it's over now, so it doesn't really matter."

The past-tense didn't fool her. "But you care about him still?"

Yami gazed at his hand. The scar Yugi had traced one time in the store seemed more obvious than ever in the midst of the others. He could almost feel Yugi's touch right then. "Yeah, I do."

"And he loves you?"

"I thought he did." Yami paused, then shook his head. "Oh who am I kidding?" He swallowed. "He did love me…he loves me too. Stupid…"

"It's _not_ stupid."

"Not that it matters, I told you, it's over anyway."

"How is it over if you still love him and he still loves you?"

"It's over because I am never going back. He's ashamed of me!" Yami swiped tears from his eyes. "I'm not going back, there's no point. Besides, I'm just eighteen, Mom. And Yugi's only sixteen. He has the whole rest of his life ahead of him, and he's got places to go that, let's face it, I'm never going to make it to. If I stayed with him I would have been holding him back anyway–"

"Now you're just changing the subject."

"No, I'm not! He's from a decent middle class family, and I'm–"

"Also from a decent middle class family."

Yami growled in frustration. "Maybe once upon a time, not anymore. I have almost no money, no home…what do I have that I can offer him? A life of dealing with my problems?"

"You're completely avoiding the subject."

"I'm just saying, that's a reason it's good that it's over. I won't be holding Yugi back anymore."

"I seriously doubt you were ever holding him back," she said.

"You don't…I mean…look, it's over between us, and trying to pretend otherwise is pointless! We don't hide from things, remember?"

"Yes, you and your pride, your excuse for your need to run…"

He frowned slightly. "I'm not running."

"Sometimes I wondered if it was really worth it," she mused, acting as if he hadn't spoken.

"Mom," he began, exasperated.

"Yami, pride is important, I agree. But when I was stealing, and when I was selling myself…it was the last thing on my mind."

"You don't need to bring that up."

"Why?"

"Because those are bad memories, and–" Yami stopped, realizing he was saying almost the exact same thing Yugi had once said to him.

"But they happened. And we can't let our lives be controlled by memories." She gave him a look. Yami looked away, not answering, pretending not to hear the last sentence.

She sighed. "Maybe I'm wrong. Only you know what this is really about, maybe it is something reasonable. But, on the off-chance that you're just running scared, you should know that when I was stealing and when I was selling myself, it was for something that was more important than pride or fear or anything else to me. What do you think that was?"

"Well…you told me that you did it for me," Yami said quietly.

"Yes, I did," she said. "I did it for you, because I wanted you to have a better life, even if it was at the expense of mine."

"So you put aside fear to help me. Because…you love me?"

"Exactly."

At last Yami understood where she was going with her story.

* * *

Five days later, Yugi was walking home from school, staring at the sidewalk as he did. Five days since he last saw Yami. He kept hoping that maybe Yami would come back to work, or that he would see him again somewhere, but he hadn't. The logical explanation was that Yami and his mother had probably already left the area, maybe even left the city.

That didn't stop Yugi from hoping.

Still, five days, he was starting to accept that it was over. He had hurt Yami. What else could he do but leave? There was no reason why he should stay after what Yugi had done. He had never wanted to lie about Yami to his parents, but he had wanted so badly to help him out that he had thought the lies made sense. He knew Yami trusted him, but he didn't think the lies were really breaking Yami's trust; he thought making sure that his family would welcome Yami would be a good thing.

He'd never stopped to think how _he_ would feel if he was in Yami's place. Because it was true, if he'd known that the person he loved was afraid to tell his family his true story…and had lied about him…he would be upset too.

Jounouchi had been right; forcing help on him had backfired in the worst of ways.

Yugi sighed and as he neared the Game Shop he steadied himself. He allowed himself a private weak moment during his walks or at night when he was alone in his room, but during the rest of the day he was determined to appear calm and normal.

_Maybe a little bit of Yami rubbed off on me_, he thought wryly, remembering how Yami always strove to seem so calm, except around Yugi when he would let his guard down. Maybe he was turning into that now too.

With a deep breath, he started walking again.

Then he heard a voice call his name. A soft, rumbling voice that he knew all too well.

"Yugi."

That was all that was said, but the voice still managed to stop Yugi in his tracks and he looked up towards the bench that stood on the sidewalk not far from the Shop.

And saw someone standing beside it.

Someone with very familiar hair.

And familiar clothes.

And familiar eyes, those beautiful familiar eyes that never held the same hue for more than a few moments, they were really _his_…

Staying calm was no longer an option.

"Yami!" Yugi's arms were around him before he could think, before he could even realize that he had moved from where he was standing before to embrace him.

Yami put his arms gently around Yugi's neck, as his backpack was in the way of his back. "Hi Yugi."

"Yami, why are you here?" Yugi shrugged out of his backpack and reached for Yami's hands. Yami allowed him to take them. He glanced around. "Where's your mother?"

"Well, she's getting settled in her new apartment."

"You got an apartment? Yami, that's great!" he said, beaming.

Yami shook his head. "No, _she_ got an apartment. She got a job at a grocery store…it doesn't pay great, but it was enough, added to my money and some help from social services. Thing is, it's in a building reserved for rehabilitating women. I'm a minor, so I _could_ live with her, but I've decided not to."

"Then what are you going to do?" Yugi asked, confused. "Where are you staying?"

"Well, that's sort of undecided right now."

"What do you mean?"

Yami bit his lip. "Yugi, I'm sorry about the things I said before. About accusing you of…well, everything."

"Yami, that has nothing to do with what I asked you–"

"Yes, it does. I'm getting to that, but this needs to be said first. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not okay, it's not okay because I made the same mistake twice and that's a stupid thing to do."

"Mistake?"

"I tried to back out once. You remember. When you first got me the job at the Shop, and I made all kinds of excuses, accused you of pitying me…all just to hide from the fact that I was scared to take a chance."

"Yami, I don't understand."

"I made that mistake again. Except this time I did something worse. I just flat out screwed up, I didn't give you a chance to explain yourself or…" He looked into his eyes desperately. "I got scared. It always seemed too good to be true, meeting you, and finding out you cared about me as much as I cared about you. I was just waiting for the day it all fell apart. So when I thought you were ashamed of me, I just flipped out."

"But I hurt you, so of course you 'flipped out.' Yami, I made a horrible mistake too, I didn't give you the respect you deserved…and then with what my mother was saying, it's no surprise you got upset, _I'm_ still mad at her for it."

"Upset at her, I have an excuse for. Being upset at you…I have none that matter now." He suddenly hugged Yugi tightly against him, running his fingers through his hair. "You mean so much to me, Yugi. I thought losing you was inevitable, but I didn't want to. I never want to."

Yugi shivered slightly at the feeling of Yami's gentle fingers in his hair, and snuggled close against him. "Yami, I know you have no obligation to believe me…but I truly do love you," he whispered against him. "Nothing I did or thought or said…ever changed that."

"I believe you."

"You do?"

"I always have. I…I always have, Yugi."

Without a word, Yugi lifted his head and pressed his lips almost desperately to Yami's. Yami's eyes closed and he parted his lips without thought, allowing Yugi entrance.

Breaking it, they looked at each other and laughed a little nervously, which turned into real laughter as they realized how nervous they both were.

"So, you never did answer my question about where you're living now." Yugi finally said as he and Yami just stood there holding hands for a moment in content silence.

"Ah…well…I was kind of hoping that you guys still had room for me in your store room," Yami said.

"You want to come back to work for us?"

"If I'm allowed."

"If you're _allowed_? My grandfather has ranted for days at me and my mom for running off, I quote, 'the best worker he ever had.' He'll be thrilled to have you back."

"Will your mother be thrilled?"

"Probably not so much." Yugi looked a little nervous. "I don't think she can say anything about the job, but living there…I don't really know if she'll let you. She…didn't really like the idea of…us. My father isn't going to be all that thrilled about it either if he finds out. I think maybe, over time, she could get used to the idea, but right now I doubt she'll let you back into the house."

Yami lowered his eyes. "Do you think it's worth asking? Maybe I'd be better off finding a place to work somewhere else, and meeting you after school again."

"No, don't let her run you off," Yugi said. "I like having you work here. Come on, let's go talk to Grandpa, he'll be happy to see you." He pulled him toward the shop door, calling out as they entered, "Grandpa, I brought your favorite worker back! His mother got an apartment and somebody needs to help pay the bills."

Yugi's grandfather, at least, seemed pleased to see him and perfectly happy to give him his job back, muttering, "Oh thank God," under his breath with audible relief.

"Yami also needs a place to stay," Yugi added, since it seemed like Yami might be backing out on asking.

"I don't mind if he wants to stay," Sugoroku said. "I'd prefer that he did, since part of our agreement was to provide security, but your mother…she wasn't very pleased about learning you two were…"

"Yeah, I know." Yugi fell silent. Yami was studying the floor.

"What's going on down here?" A new voice joined in as Mrs. Mutou descended the stairs.

"Hi Mom." Yugi quickly took a step away from Yami.

"I see you're back, Yami." She ignored everyone else for the moment, clearly he was the person she was most interested in.

"I came to ask for my job back."

"Which I agreed to," Suguroku spoke up.

"Well I can't argue with any choice involving the Shop," she said. "However I do have a say over who lives in this house."

"I need a place to live," Yami said, meeting her eyes. "If I stay at my mom's, I'm going to cost her money. I can't afford somewhere of my own right now. I'll abide by any rules you set."

She paused, then shook her head. "No."

Yugi opened his mouth to speak, and then noticed Yami very slowly lifting one hand a few inches, as if warning him to stay silent.

"Is there any way I can change your mind?" Yami asked, not breaking eye-contact with Yugi's mother.

"No, I'm sorry."

"What if I swear I won't talk to Yugi?"

"What?" Yugi asked. Mrs. Mutou interrupted him.

"Go on," she said.

"If you let me stay I swear I will not talk to Yugi. I won't spend time with him unless you approve. I won't say anything to him except perhaps 'hello.' I won't come upstairs at all except to use the bathroom and shower. The relationship will be completely over. Just please, let me stay until I can find my own place. It's this or the street and I would like a roof over my head for the winter."

Yugi opened his mouth to object, until he noticed that his mother seemed to be thinking the offer over.

"Fine," she said after a distressingly long pause. "But I'll be monitoring you. One step out of line and you leave."

"That seems fair," Yami said, his tone just as crisp.

She gave him a long, suspicious look and then walked back upstairs. Yugi opened his mouth again, but Yami spoke first, quietly.

"It's the way it has to be. This way, I can stay here. We can at least still see each other…that's good, right?"

Yugi could see in his eyes that he wanted reassurance that he'd done the right thing.

"Yeah," he said. "It's good." He took his hand for a moment, squeezed it reassuringly, and turned to trudge upstairs.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **Here's a somewhat mild chapter...it was either this or something far more angsty to end 2009 on, so I went with this. xD

Yami's mother is named Eve...there's really no significance, religious or otherwise, behind the choice, I just really wanted to give her a single-syllable name and Eve seemed pretty. Plus I was reading a lot of the manga _Black Cat_ at the time...

Turns out Japan's age of majority is still 20. I didn't know that until I checked the laws for this chapter. (Since I'd been planning to use Yami not being a minor anymore as my reasoning for him moving back in…) You really do learn something new every day!

Here's to a fruitful year of fanfiction in 2010! *raises a glass of apple cider* Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for your support, comments, jokes, and reviews this year. It means more to me than you might know. When I toast my blessings, I toast you as well. Cheers!


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 09  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

Yami kept his promise. For the next four weeks Yugi only saw him in glimpses; he had even stopped eating dinner with them. And if they passed in a room, or Yugi found an excuse to go down to the shop, Yami was careful to give him only a polite greeting. It was a good act, it truly felt as if they weren't a couple at all, and that hurt. Yugi longed for the way things used to be, the way they _should _be. He missed talking to him, holding him, kissing him…the pathetic few seconds they got to see each other did nothing but increase his want and he could see in Yami's eyes that Yami felt the same, even as he upheld his end of the unfair bargain.

Even though Yugi knew it was better than Yami being forbidden to come on the property at all, he had never felt so lonely in his own house and it only got worse as the days passed.

The last straw came on December 30th, when he arrived home after going to the amusement park with Jounouchi and Honda, and his grandfather pulled him aside at the door where he was taking his shoes off.

"What's going on?" Yugi asked, looking puzzled.

Sugoroku kept his voice low. "It's Yami's birthday."

"What?"

"Today is Yami's nineteenth birthday. I heard him asking your mother if you could come with him to celebrate at his mother's apartment this evening."

"What did Mom say?" Yugi asked, his heart speeding up excitedly. Surely she wouldn't object to a simple birthday party, and he hadn't spent time with Yami in _weeks_…

"She said no, and forbade him from telling you."

His excitement turned to anger. "She wasn't going to tell me that he offered? Or even tell me it was his birthday at all?"

"It seems not."

Yugi flung his shoes at the wall. "This isn't fair, his birthday is important and I've completely missed it because of Mom. I didn't know about it, I didn't get him a gift, I can't go celebrate with him– this sucks! She hates him so much, all because of some stupid prejudice!" He waved his arms around as if energetic hand motions would express annoyance that words couldn't. Then he looked up at his grandfather. "Wait, why are you telling me?"

"She didn't forbid me from saying anything about it," he said, and marched by up the stairs. Yugi half-smiled.

"Thanks Grandpa."

Sugoroku turned and smiled back. "You, however, are forbidden from telling her that I told you."

His half-smile became a full one. "Of course."

* * *

Late that night Yami arrived back at the Mutou's house, washed up as quietly as he could in the upstairs bathroom, and returned to his room. He stretched out on his stomach on his bed and tucked his head into the crook of his arm, too tired to even bother pulling a blanket over himself. He was just drifting off when he found himself being shaken awake.

Mumbling inquisitively, he rolled onto his back and felt someone press a finger to his lips. Then he heard Yugi's voice whisper, "It's me."

"Yugi?" he asked, blinking and looking up to see Yugi leaning over him. Slowly, his mind cleared of sleepy fog. "Yugi, you can't be down here, what if you're caught–"

Yugi stroked his cheek, preoccupied with the joy of spending time with Yami again, and said, "I heard you upstairs. Happy birthday."

Yami's protests died away. "Who told you?"

"Grandpa did. I'm sorry, I wish I had been there tonight. I really wanted to be. Was it a good birthday anyway?"

"It was, but I also wish you had been able to celebrate with me," Yami said, and smiled up at him. "I've missed you…so much."

"I've missed you so much, too," Yugi said, smiling back before he rose to his knees and swiveled his body to kneel over Yami. Yami's body tensed.

"Yugi, what are you–?"

"I didn't know until earlier, so I didn't have time to go shopping," he said, gazing down at him. "So consider this your gift." He bent his head, lowering his body, and kissed him on the mouth. His tongue probed at Yami's lips, which parted without resistance. Yami's heart sped up. The craving born after weeks of separation killed any hesitation as he reached out, grasped Yugi's nightshirt in his hands, and pulled him down harder, kissing him back. A guttural growl escaped his throat as they broke apart and met again.

"Mmn…Yami," Yugi gasped between kisses. "Yami…" He had begun to tug at Yami's shirt, pulling it up, exposing his chest and stomach. He let one hand explore Yami's body, his nails drifting over his skin. He could feel Yami's heart hammering against his ribs. He experimented with caresses, tracing the curve of his waist and hips, and as Yami's skin heated, sweat made his chest slick. Finally, as Yugi's fingers found and rubbed his nipples, Yami's back arched and he mumbled against Yugi's lips, his grip suddenly tightening and his kiss becoming fiercer. He released a purr of enjoyment, letting Yugi know he was free to continue, but his reaction only caused a return reaction in Yugi's body – one that shot heat through his veins and culminated at the base of his legs. Startled by the sudden hot rush, Yugi pulled away.

Slowly, Yami unclenched his fists and released Yugi's shirt. He fell back against the mat, breathless. "Yugi," he murmured. His eyes opened, their red depths glowing. He reached out and pulled Yugi down to him, embracing him. Yugi, still breathing heavily, buried his face in his neck. This was not a particularly good idea, as it didn't calm him down at all. Instead, the scent of Yami's skin only increased his desire for closeness. He pressed his lips to his neck, claiming the sensitive place just under Yami's ear. Yami shifted under him as Yugi kissed his way down his neck, reaching his throat.

Yami's hands drifted up and down Yugi's back, scrunching up his shirt around his shoulders. His fingers slid back down over bare skin, and this time didn't stop at Yugi's waist. Yugi murmured encouragement and pressed his hips down harder against his body. Their legs spread and tangled, and he could feel throbbing, damp heat between Yami's; arousal as intense as his own – too intense to ignore.

Sudden uncertainty killed the moment. His hesitancy was not lost on his partner; it was Yami who came back to his senses first and asked, "Should we stop?"

Yugi sighed into his neck, rolled off of him and stretched out beside him on the mat. He stared up at the shadowed ceiling as the air cooled his damp skin. They had kissed and caressed this way before, but never to the point where one of them had to ask the big question. Now he had no idea how to answer.

"I don't know," he finally said. "I– I liked it." He turned and saw Yami had rolled over and was looking back at him.

"I did too, but is it okay?" Yami asked. "Did you have this planned for tonight?"

"Not this exactly, but…" Yugi trailed off. It would be lying to say he hadn't thought about the next step in their relationship. Of course he had…especially during the last few long weeks when loneliness had created more fantasies than usual. But to be honest he hadn't exactly planned on taking that step _tonight _– he had intended to just stop in to give him a few kisses; however, now that they were here…it wouldn't be very difficult to run back up to his bedroom and get what they needed. His parents had given him the talk about condoms and protection after he turned sixteen, when they decided his friendship with Anzu was bound to turn physical someday. He could be back within moments, and then…

Yami's eyes still had that otherworldly brightness to them. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were slightly swollen from their desperate kisses. Yugi reached out and cupped his hand over Yami's.

"It's up to you," he said as heat rose to his face. "I don't expect anything. I didn't have a plan, but we've been together for awhile and…if you wanted to stop that's okay, but I wouldn't mind taking the next step. I mean…it would be m-my first time. I've thought about it, I always figured someday we'd be here and I've thought about what I wanted and I– I decided that I'd like it to be with you."

Yami's voice was soft and shy. "It would be my first too."

"Then I guess neither of us have to be ashamed of being…um…inexperienced?" Yugi said and laughed nervously, trying desperately to release some of his embarrassed anxiety. This conversation, while sweet, was causing his face to practically set aflame. He'd been far more composed when he was letting his instincts do all the work.

Yami slid closer. "So it's okay with you as long as I think it is?"

Yugi nodded.

"Then…I think it's okay too."

Yugi's heart was speeding up again, anticipation racing through him. This time he held onto his senses long enough to know they couldn't just dive back in. "Just let me go upstairs and get…er, what we need. Y'know…protection and all."

Yami smiled, giving a warming effect to the glow in his eyes, and nodded. Then his smile faded.

"The door," he said.

"What?"

"The door. If anyone came near the stairs, they might hear something. It would be too much of a risk."

Yugi hesitated, not wanting to suggest the first thought that came to mind. Doing so would be disrespecting Yami's boundaries. But Yami looked just as disappointed as he felt, so he suggested tentatively, "We could close the door."

He saw uncertainty enter Yami's eyes and his gaze immediately shot toward the only exit.

"We don't have to," Yugi amended quickly. "I told you I don't expect anything. It's fine."

Yami was still staring at the door, apparently deep in thought. He took in a long breath, and turned his hand to grasp Yugi's before saying, "Close it."

"What?"

"It's okay to close it."

"But you hate closed rooms."

"I told you they don't bother me as long as I feel safe."

"But…I know you're anxious right now, and that's going to make you feel worse. Yami, don't do this, don't force yourself into something just because of me."

Yami met his eyes again. "It's fine. I'm with you, and I feel safe with you."

Slowly, Yugi sat up. He squeezed Yami's hand once, then stood and left the room, tiptoeing back up the stairs to his own room. He returned a minute later, holding two foil-wrapped packets and a small bottle of lotion – with no commercial lubricant available, it would have to do. He gently shut the door behind him. The room instantly grew darker and he hurried back to Yami's side. The moment he lay back down beside him, Yami gripped his hand.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Yugi asked.

He felt Yami's other hand trail down his face, then cup his chin and lift his head. Their lips met for a long, silent moment.

Yugi finally pulled away. "That's a good answer," he said. "But are you sure–"

"I just want to be with you," Yami whispered, before pulling him closer, wrapping his arms around his midriff, and kissing him again.

* * *

"Yugi…psst, Yugi, wake up."

"Hmn…?" Slowly, Yugi opened his eyes. Yami was leaning over him. The room seemed to have lightened a bit from the early morning sun.  
_  
Sun?_

Yugi bolted upright. "What time is it?"

"Don't worry, it's still early."

He relaxed and fell back onto the mat. "Don't scare me like that. For a moment I thought we overslept." He noticed Yami still watching him. "Something wrong?"

"No. Just…you're beautiful."

Yugi reddened, pulling the blankets up to his neck, suddenly feeling self-conscious about his nakedness. The dark had made things less embarrassing. "You know you aren't obligated to say romantic things the morning after."

"Why would you think I'd only say it because I'm obligated to?"

"Because, I'm not at my best in the morning. My hair is probably one big tangle–"

"It looks fine." Yami stroked his face. "You look great."

Yugi smiled up at him. "You look pretty great yourself."

Yami lay back down beside him, pulling him close under the sheets. Yugi rested his head against Yami's chest as they slowly and gently traced the soft, now-familiar curves of each other's bodies with their fingertips. "I love you," Yugi murmured, almost unable to believe this was real. The night before…it had been a little scary in some ways, giving himself to someone else, afraid he would do something wrong. But it had been special, too. Special enough that inexperienced mistakes didn't matter as much. Sure, he'd heard of love like this before, of the euphoric moments people talked about, but never had he dreamed _he_ would have someone who would make him feel this way.

He felt Yami kiss the top of his head, but there were no return words. He forced away any disappointment. He couldn't doubt Yami's love now. Thousands of people got empty words; he should consider himself lucky that he needed to only look into Yami's eyes or feel his touch to know his feelings were genuine.

"So," he said. "Tomorrow it's the start of the new year. Any regrets about this year?"

"None that really matter now," Yami answered, holding him closer.

"None here, either," Yugi said, smiling.

Yami held onto him for several more minutes before releasing him and saying, "You should get back to your room."

"I know." Yugi turned to search for his discarded clothes, forcing himself not to stare too much at Yami's body as the covers fell away again. He had changed his mind about his original mild assessment of Yami's looks. Now he wondered how he couldn't have noticed how attractive he was earlier. As he wriggled back into his pajama pants, he saw Yami turn away to reach for his own clothing and got another glimpse of the scar that mangled his left shoulder. It snaked from his arm to the bottom of his shoulder blade, leaving a path of knotted, twisted marks.

This time, Yami noticed him looking. His expression seemed to fall and he quickly turned to hide it from view.

"Our teacher warned us not to get out from under our desks," he said quietly, "because of the ceiling damage. …I didn't listen. There was an aftershock."

Yugi moved closer and ran his fingers over the rough path of skin, causing Yami to twist around and glance at him.

"You know, you're beautiful too," Yugi said.

Yami smiled a little, almost sadly. "You're not obligated to say romantic things just because it's the morning after," he said softly.

Yugi hugged him from behind and nuzzled the back of his neck. He felt Yami's body slowly relax and whispered, "Believe me, I know."

* * *

Despite the wonder of that night, they both knew it was too risky to chance often. Although they took what few opportunities for intimacy they could, Yugi would return to his room immediately as to not risk falling asleep where he may be caught, and they carefully disposed of any evidence. The precautions marred the afterglow, but they agreed that they couldn't be careless. Yugi's mother, seeing that Yami was apparently abiding by all the rules, began to warm towards Yami slightly and didn't complain if he and Yugi shared a quick conversation. It wasn't much, still not enough, but it was infinitely better than not being allowed to speak at all and for most of January things were looking up, until the day when the past intervened. When Yugi heard the front door opening and, knowing that Yami had left a few hours before to visit his mom, walked downstairs to meet him. It was past 10:30 at night and Yami usually came home at ten; Yugi was relieved to hear him come in.

"Yami, is that you? You're back late."

Yami froze, halfway in the door. "Oh…Yugi…um–"

"Yami? Is something–" Yugi trailed off, gaping.

Looking guilty, Yami slunk in the rest of the way and closed the door, his features becoming clearer in the light. Blood was dripping from his lip and nose, dark bruises had bloomed under his skin, and he seemed to be favoring his left leg.

"Yami!"

"It's okay, it's no big deal," he said, even as he scratched at a cut on his cheek. "Nothing serious…"

"What are you talking about? This is terrible, sit down, I'll get the first aid and we can call the police–"

"No, no police. They don't care."

"_Yami_, look at yourself," Yugi growled. "The police would want to know that people are going around and doing this! It was those same people as before, wasn't it?"

"Yes." Yami gingerly eased his way up the stairs with Yugi following him, still berating him: "You need to tell someone, if they keep getting away with hurting you they'll keep trying!"

Their voices had captured the attention of the others in the house.

"What happened?" Sugoroku asked, returning to the living room with the first aid kit, where Yugi had forced Yami to sit down on the couch. Yugi's mother looked on from behind, frowning a little when Yugi snatched the kit from his grandfather and announced that _he _would clean up Yami's wounds.

"Nothing, no big deal…just some old acquaintances." Yami winced as Yugi patted a scrape with an alcohol wipe. "The route to Mom's goes by a road that leads to the area of town I last lived in. They're just a few people who I know. And they just happened to be out wandering, the landlord probably rousted them from whatever property they were loitering on before, and they happened on me. Probably made their night."

"Yami, please let us call the police," Yugi implored, touching his hand.

Yami smiled. "There's no reason to get so dramatic. I'm fine. No broken bones, no serious injuries. I'll just stay away from that part of town for a couple days and they'll move along. They're part of my world, not yours. I don't want you guys involved."

Yugi still appeared troubled. "But now they know that you follow that route–"

"Yugi, don't worry." He touched Yugi's shoulder. "Look, I'll be fine. I can take care of them if they decide to mess with me again. And that's a big 'if.' Anyway, thank you all, but I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed. Good night." He bowed his head in the direction of Yugi's family, gave Yugi's hand a quick secret squeeze, and limped his way back down the stairs to the shop.

Yugi sighed. He decided to give up on his argument, it was clear Yami wasn't listening; however, a plan was starting to form in the back of his mind.

* * *

Several days later Yami decided to visit his mother one evening again, assuring Yugi that by now if anyone was watching his route, they would have given up. He promised to be back by ten, and as Yugi's mother was in the shower, they even were able to share a long hug and kiss before he left. Yami departed in a very good mood.

About five minutes later, Yugi snuck out the back door and headed the direction he always saw Yami leave in. It was closing in on eight o'clock, and the streets weren't very crowded, but the darkness and shadows were enough cover to stay hidden. He quickly spotted Yami in the distance.

The walk to Eve's apartment building was uneventful, just as Yugi had hoped. Nothing happened, and Yugi spent most of the walk admiring Yami's stride, (much too graceful, Yugi decided enviously). Once Yami had vanished up the stairs, Yugi turned back, checking street signs.  
_  
He said it was a street that led to where he lived last._

Finally, Yugi spotted one that looked promising. He had seen signs referring to Thirty-Fourth Street before when visiting Yami. Planting himself firmly on the sidewalk, he cupped his hands around his mouth and called, "Ezui! Are you here? Ezui! Come out, damn it, I know you're around here!"

Nobody answered. Yugi tried calling again, and this time the only response was barking from a dog on a patio nearby. Yugi sighed and shrugged to himself. The plan had only been a long-shot at best, and at least he'd tried. Now he ought to get back home before his mom noticed he was gone.

"You called, Atemu?"

Yugi spun around to see Ezui, flanked by five other men, walking toward him. Ezui frowned at him. "Hey, you're not Atemu, you're that kid who hung out with him."

"Told you his voice sounded weird," one of the men behind him said. Ezui shushed him with a flick of his hand.

"So rich kid, any particular reason for calling me out?"

"My name is Yugi. And yes, I called." Yugi folded his arms. "I want you to leave Yami alone. He hasn't done anything to you."

There were dark mutters from the other men.

Ezui scowled. "Is this about the other day? I always knew Atemu was a weakling, but sending a boy to fight his battles–"

"He didn't send me! I came here on my own," Yugi said.

"Look kid, Atemu isn't one of us anymore," Ezui replied. "He turned his back on his equals to go play at being the respected man he wanted to be. Therefore, when he comes on our territory now, it's trespassing."

"Do you listen to anything I say?" Yugi snapped. "I'm not asking you for excuses. I'm _telling_ you, you will leave him alone."

The other men stopped muttering amongst themselves. Even Ezui seemed to finally be paying attention, though when he spoke again his tone was still dismissive.

"I see no reason not to take out frustrations on him. He asks for it by coming around here. So thank you for your, er, _warning_. Yugi, was it? We'll be sure to tell Atemu you asked."

Yugi didn't move. He was sick of their smirks, sick of Ezui's flippant replies, sick of watching Yami shrug off injuries as part of life, and he wasn't about to stand for it. He clenched his fists. "Fight me then."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Yami once fought you when you were bothering me. I'll fight you for him. If I win, you won't hurt him or me again. You'll leave us alone and let him pass if you see him on the street."

"And if we win?"

"There is no 'we.' Just me and you, Ezui. The two of us fight, and if you win, then you can make me your scapegoat."

Yugi had thought it over. Jounouchi and Honda had taught him all of their basic fighting moves, and while Ezui surely had more experience, he looked malnourished and unsteady from his liberal consumption of alcohol. It was a gamble, but one that he felt would pay off, as long as Ezui agreed.

Ezui stared back at him and finally smiled, snake-like. "Fine. We fight."

The other five men scattered into the shadows outside the limits of the streetlight. Yugi tightened his fists, but before he could take a single swing, someone behind him grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back, and grabbed his other wrist.

"Hey!" Yugi said, struggling. "Let go!" Twisting around, he could see it was another of the men holding him back. He glared at Ezui. "You liar!"

"Don't mistake me as being cut from the same pathetic cloth as Atemu," Ezui said, sauntering forward. "Just because he keeps his word doesn't mean I should keep mine."

"You bastard–"

"Hey, you want to be part of this world so bad, here's a tip," said the man restraining him. "Don't talk back to someone who has the upper hand."

"You can let him go, Hiro," Ezui said, waving his hand. "Run on home kid, you're in way over your head."

Yugi glared. "Fuck you," he spat, wrenching his arms out of Hiro's grasp. "I keep my word. I said we'll fight, and we will."

Ezui turned back. His eyes flashed. "You have five seconds to get out of my sight."

Yugi waited. Fighting wasn't his thing. It never had been. The number of times he'd been beaten up because he wasn't a fighter was honestly rather pitiful. But now he imagined that he could do something to make a difference, that he could erase this painful tie to Yami's past.

He had never felt so strong.

* * *

Yami arrived back at the Mutou's at ten to find Yugi's mother waiting for him.

"Evening," he said, bowing his head as he passed.

She grabbed his arm, and Yami turned in confusion.

"Come here." She was dragging him toward the stairs.

"Where are we going?" Yami asked, puzzled.

She stopped in the middle of the stairs. "Do you know where Yugi was tonight?"

"…Wasn't he here?"

"No, he wasn't! He vanished right after you left. Apparently, he decided he was going to follow you."

Yami felt a stab of fear. "But I never asked him to…he's here now, isn't he? He's not still missing?"

She was dragging him again. "He's here, and you're lucky he is. I was willing to give you one last chance, Yami. I know that you two still have feelings for each other, and I didn't like it, but I was considering giving you a chance. But now…look at this!"

She pointed into the open door of Yugi's room, glaring at Yami with tears in her eyes. "Look at what _your world_ did to Yugi!"

Yami looked inside and felt his heart drop. Yugi was lying in bed. His eyes were closed. His skin looked unusual; a second look revealed the strange coloring was caused by bruises.

"Yugi…no…"

"The men who hurt you before did this," she said darkly. "Apparently Yugi decided he was going to fight them to make them stop attacking you. He followed you, found them, and provoked them into fighting him." Yami felt her grip tighten painfully. "It's your fault this happened to him! If he didn't know you, or if he hadn't defended you, if he hadn't been out trying to avenge you, he'd be okay right now. My son was beaten up because of you! He got hurt fighting _your_ battles…are you so proud of your life now?"

Sugoroku heard the snarling and walked into the hall. Yami didn't appear to hear his approach, his eyes were still fixed on his partner in the bed. "No…Yugi," he whispered and looked over at the people in the hall, stricken. "Why isn't he awake? Did he black out? Is he…?"

"He didn't black out, don't worry," Sugoroku answered. "He wanted to stay up and wait for you, but he was in some pain and we convinced him to take medicine. It just made him sleepy, that's all."

They weren't the words Yami wanted to hear. Desperate for someone to say "Yugi's fine," Yami wrenched his arm from Mrs. Mutou's grasp with every intention of running into the room and shaking Yugi awake, but Sugoroku held out his arms to stop him.

"Let him sleep. You can talk in the morning," he said, trying to comfort him. Yami could barely hear him. His own pounding heart had filled his ears.

_Why wasn't I there?_

Yugi had done this for him? Why would he be so foolish? There was no way he could take on six people at once.

_He got hurt because of me. My world hurt him._

The room was growing small; the air felt heavy enough to crush him.

_Another person I love…not again…_

"Not again," he moaned, hands pressed to his face, unable to breathe. The walls spun around him and he dropped to his knees as his body went rigid. Blurry memories circled inside his mind, of other people, hurt and lying still on the ground, many of them with shrouds or clothing covering their fatal injuries. And while he knew that Yugi wasn't dead, he got the same feeling as he had in that field of bodies, that terrible sense of unendurable loss, and of equally unendurable guilt.

_Yugi…  
_  
"Yami!"

It was Yugi's grandfather, his voice concerned, and even Yugi's mother was watching with an odd expression. Yami looked up, feeling himself come back to the present. Still trembling, though not as badly, he forced his body to un-clench long enough to look up.

"I want to stay with him," he said.

"No." Yugi's mother blocked the doorway. "You've done enough damage."

"But–"

"You can see him when he wakes up, and that's it. Now go."

There was steel in her voice, and Yami wasn't strong enough to fight. He gulped back sobs from where he remained, collapsed on the floor. He was barely aware of Sugoroku pulling him to his feet, saying that he should get some rest too.

A few minutes later, Yugi shifted and opened his eyes.

"Yami?" he asked vaguely.

"Yugi?" His mother hurried to his side. "I'm sorry, did the light wake you? I'll turn it off."

"Mom, was Yami here? I thought I heard him."

"Shh, go back to sleep," his mother said gently.

"Is Yami back? Does he know what happened?"

"Yes, we told him."

Yugi sat up woozily and said, "I should go talk to him. He's probably really upset–"

"You can talk to him in the morning, he's already gone to bed."

"No, really, I should talk to him now. I don't want him to worry all night."

"He'll be even more upset if you don't rest."

"But I'm _fine_, Mom, I don't need rest, the medicine just made me sleepy–"

"Yami wants you to rest," she fibbed. "He said so. He'll be happier if you do."

"Oh." Yugi slumped back against the pillows. "I guess…that's okay then. Did you at least assure him that I'm fine? He gets anxious so easily, it's really important that he knows."

"Yes, of course I did. Everything is fine."

"Okay." He rolled onto his side. "Good night, Mom."

"Good night Yugi," she said, turning off the light as she left.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** (Very long notes this time...) I'm turning 21 today! And because I'm equal parts excited and terrified to find out what you think about this chapter, today seemed like a good day to post it, considering that I have conflicting feelings about being 21 too. xD (The fact that this is Yami's birthday chapter amuses me. I swear I didn't have that planned.)

I'm going to take a serious aside for a moment here. I'm sure a lot of you have heard about the earthquake in Haiti by now. If not, Google "Haiti earthquake" and read up. I realize there are tragedies happening all over the world every day, and a lot of people might think, "why should we care about this one? It's just a charity bandwagon everyone's jumping on," but it truly is a horrible situation right now. In writing this fic, I had to do some research on earthquakes and their victims, and so I'm feeling a sort of personal tug at this. I'd like to prevent a real-life version of this fic's MC from happening, and I strongly encourage you, if you can, to help in some way. Donate to a reputable group such as Doctors Without Borders or the Red Cross, drop off hand-me-down clothes or food if there's a drop-off place in your town, join the help_haiti LJ fundraising, or even just spread the word and encourage others to help. It could really make a difference.

(The following are the upbeat, happy notes I'd already had written for this chapter. xD)

This might be one of the most important chapters of the entire story. One bit of the story has come to an end, (Yami and Yugi taking the final step), and another bit has just been set off. I'm nervous as hell about posting it. But also very psyched, because I think the fic really starts to take off after this chapter. x3 Still, your thoughts? In general I prefer fade-to-blacks – I know many people consider them cop-outs, but romance interests me far more than lust. In this case especially, since the scene is important to show emotional development, not blatant sex appeal. Besides…I'd rather people read my fics for the storyline, not because they're waiting for a steamy sex scene.

Not an easy characterization for badass Yugi either, trying to find a reason for a pacifist to actively seek a fight. ^^; He got saddled with some of my mama-bear syndrome. I'm a weakling and a pacifist too, but if someone fucks with my friends I get unusually violent.

There's really no significance to Yami's birthday. I put together the timeline after I wrote most of the fic – yes, seems counter-productive but it worked out – and his birthday happened to land on Dec. 30th.

And lastly, this chapter comes with fanart! (Linked on my profile, drawn several months ago.)


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 10  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

Left alone in his room, Yami didn't sleep. He didn't even want to, knowing that sleep would only bring to life the nightmares he was struggling to keep at bay in the corners of his mind. Being awake, however, meant facing what had happened.

As the night went on he warred back and forth with himself over what to do, trying to weigh his options. Staying would put Yugi in danger. Yugi had fallen in love with him, and would be bound to do something else stupid to try to help him in the future. Leaving meant losing the most precious thing in his life and breaking Yugi's heart. He wanted to believe there had to be an outcome that didn't hurt, but the longer he thought about it the more powerless he felt. And all the while the pain and the stress and the fear inside him seemed to inflate and choke him until he couldn't see his options any longer. All he saw was himself trapped in a place he'd been too many times before. All he knew was that he had to get out.

The tears returned near morning, as the room began to lighten. He closed his eyes and waited for them to disappear behind his eyelids, then got to his feet. It took only moments to gather up all his belongings from the store room and to shove them into the two bags he was using now that his mother had reclaimed her belongings. As he emerged, he found Yugi's grandfather waiting for him.

"Going somewhere?" he said.

"Yes."

"Does this mean I've got to look for another store helper?"

Yami lowered his eyes. "That would be best."

"So, you are leaving. Does Yugi know?"

"No. Better that I leave now before he does."

Sugoroku considered him, his voice softening. "It's not your fault Yugi got hurt. He went out there on his own, he chose to fight on his own, you didn't make him. He'd have done the same for any of his friends. He cares about you."

"He cares too much." Yami's eyes narrowed. "He got in a fight with _my_ enemies. I've been thinking about it for awhile but this just makes everything so much clearer to me. Yugi isn't supposed to be part of my life. Somehow…our worlds got all tangled up, but that isn't right. It's not worth this…look at me, did I really leave my old world behind? My mother, she's supporting herself now, soon she won't even need my paycheck to survive. She's completely left behind the bad parts of her past. I haven't." Something in his face darkened, and his mind taunted him. _The people I love invariably end up hurt. I never should have put Yugi at risk at all._

"So you're not even going to tell him good-bye?"

Sugoroku had an excellent poker face, but the disapproval was still there. Suddenly, stinging tears that Yami had been trying to hold back filled his eyes and a few made their way down his cheeks. He had never felt so torn in his life, his heart and his instincts fighting with each other even now.

_Don't…don't look at me that way…_

But it hurt too much. He couldn't stay here, in this house where he had been accepted, where he had been loved. This had been a place of family; a home. It had offered him a glimpse of a real life and his world had dragged darkness into it.

It was too much. Too much anger over what that darkness was taking, too much fear over the consequences, too much sadness over who he was losing.

_I can't. I just can't…_

"I don't want to. I don't want to leave, but look at him. I can't…could you stand to stay in someone's life if you knew that they got hurt defending you?"

Sugoroku kept his voice gentle. "I do understand why it seems so hard to stay. But Yugi isn't going to be happy about this. He loves you."

"He'll be safe." Yami paused at the door. "And he never should have loved me in the first place. Please understand I don't _want_ to hurt him." He looked up, desperately. "He'll be angry…and sad…about me leaving, and he's your grandson so I'll understand if you hate me for it, but it's not like I wanted this to happen. I would give anything to have prevented it. But I need to do this." He was speaking through his teeth. "I _need_ to be away from here."

"I understand. You saw him hurt, and you think it's your debt to pay, and that running will pay it. I don't know if Yugi will understand that though."

Yami squeezed his eyes shut. _No, it's not that. I don't think running will pay it. Nothing will pay it. But I already have Shoua's blood on my hands…I can't risk adding Yugi's._

He didn't try to explain, knowing that chapter of his life was unknown to Yugi and his family. He tried to lift his chin and wiped his eyes, and stepped again towards the door.

"Yami?"

He stopped, hand on the doorknob.

"I'm going to put off finding a new assistant for a few days…just in case you change your mind."

Yami didn't turn, but he did murmur. "Thank you, Grandfather."

Sugoroku's surprised expression softened into a smile. "You're welcome."

Then the door closed, and he was gone.

* * *

Yugi woke up an hour later. He put up with his mother fawning over him and checking his – in his opinion – nearly non-existent wounds for ten minutes before finally asking, "Where's Yami? You told me I could talk to him this morning. I want to tell him what happened."

"Yugi…" His mother paused. "Yami's gone. He left early this morning."

"What?" Yugi sat up despite her protests to take it easy. "What do you mean he left and he's gone? Where did he go?"

"I don't know, your grandfather was the one who talked to him–"

"_Grandpa!_" Yugi was out of bed and downstairs in a flash, storming into the shop and startling two young kids with their parents. "Mom just said that Yami left…is that true?"

The family in the store eyed Yugi with apprehension. He was still wearing his wrinkled clothes from the night before, his hair was a disaster, sticking out in all manner of unearthly directions, and the bruises around his eyes made him look slightly crazed. They left quickly, and once in privacy, Sugoroku sighed and nodded.

"Yes, he left. About an hour ago."

"Why?"

"He feels guilty, why else? Seeing you hurt scared him."

"Well why didn't you stop him?" he demanded, aghast. "Why didn't you tell him that I'm fine? Why didn't you tell him he was being an idiot?"

"I told him not to leave, but I had no right to stop him. This was something he felt he needed to do."

"So he ran away? Again? _Ugh_." Yugi started pacing, ranting. "What am I going to do with him? Why does he always run when he's scared of something instead of just talking to me? W-why…" His voice suddenly cracked. "Why doesn't he realize that he hurts the people who love him when he runs?"

"I think he was too sad about what happened to you," his grandfather answered.

"Well…he'll be at his mother's, I'm sure, I'll find him there and give him a piece of my mind and drag him back here if I have to…"

"Yugi–"

"I knew I should have insisted on talking to him last night, I knew it–"

"Yugi!"

"What?" He stopped pacing.

"Do you understand why he left?"

That made Yugi pause. "Do I…because he feels bad, right? You just said…he's scared I'll get hurt again because of him."

"It's more than just that. I think he feels like he's doing something good by leaving. Your mother told him this wouldn't have happened if he wasn't here…not that she needed to say anything, I'm sure he could have come up with that on his own."

"Wait, Mom told him that?" Yugi's eyes narrowed. "She told me that he'd been told I was fine, that it was no big deal."

His grandfather looked helpless. "She was upset, Yugi. You were hurt, she wasn't going to react calmly–"

"But now Yami's gone running off someplace because of her! I can't believe she…" He shook his head, trying to calm down. "Okay…this can still be okay. I'll talk to him when I find him again, I'll tell him the whole story about what happened, and it'll be all right."

"Yugi, I'm not sure…"

"What aren't you sure about?"

"I doubt he's at his mother's, he would know you'd look for him there. I got the impression he doesn't want to be found. He kept talking about 'worlds.' Something about how he hasn't left his yet and how he's not supposed to be a part of yours. And…when he saw you, he had this unusual attack. He was shaking and he just kept saying 'not again.'"

Yugi felt his heart sinking. His grandfather's description of Yami's 'attack' was eerily familiar to him. What memories had seeing him hurt triggered? He read between the lines of his grandfather's explanation, and knew what it probably meant.

Yugi turned around.

"Where are you going?"

"To get dressed. I'm going to see Yami's mom. Even if Yami isn't there, she deserves to know why he's gone missing. And if he is there, even better."

Sugoroku could see a few flaws in this plan, but said nothing. Instead he just said, "Are you sure that chasing him is really the best idea?"

Yugi looked back at him and Sugoroku couldn't help noticing that his grandson's gaze seemed wiser, more grown-up somehow. "I'm positive. I don't understand why he does this…but I think that when Yami tries to run, deep down he wants someone to go after him."

He headed up the stairs, and his grandfather simply nodded and turned back to his desk.

Maybe Yugi had understood after all. Maybe even better than he had.

* * *

Yugi took a deep breath before he knocked on the apartment door. Down the hall, he saw an older woman exit the elevator and walk to a door, fishing out a key. She nodded a greeting at him, and he nodded back.

The door opened, making him jump suddenly and turn back around.

"Yugi?" Eve said, startled to find a boy who looked like a shorter version of her own son standing outside the door. Still, she had known right away who he must be. Yami had often talked about him.

"Yes ma'am." Yugi bowed his head and looked back up at her. Although she and Yami shared no glaringly obvious traits, there were several subtle ones. The same sharp angle of her eyes, the same lilt in her voice, and something about the shape of her face was familiar too. He was a little surprised; she really didn't look like a criminal.

"Why are you here? You look like someone's beaten you, are you okay?" She motioned him inside and over to the couch.

"Is Yami here?"

"No, he isn't. Why?"

"Well ma'am–"

"Yugi, please, you don't have to be so formal."

"Right." Yugi dropped the formalities and launched into the story. "Yami left. Some men he knew hurt him, and I was tired of watching him be hurt, so I went after them and fought them last night. I didn't get a chance to explain to Yami why, or what happened, I was asleep when he found out. And now Yami's run away again, but this time its worse, he told my grandpa a bunch of stuff about having never really left his 'world' and he thinks it's all his fault, and I'm scared that he's going back…I don't know, to finish something or because he doesn't think he's good enough or…"

Yugi trailed off as she set her hand on his shoulder. He saw worry entering her eyes, but when she spoke her voice was calm.

"Yugi, I understand that you're worried about him, but he gets this way sometimes. It's just part of who he is."

"I know that, but…this time it's different than the others. It has nothing to do with his pride, he left for another reason, I know it. Because I got hurt." Yugi lowered his eyes. He was sure this was the main reason, but it didn't make him feel any better. He'd thought he was helping, and instead he'd only managed to make Yami snap.

"No, there's more to it than that."

Yugi blinked. "What?"

"I take it Yami never told you about why he runs away so much."

Yugi shook his head. "Not exactly. I know it seems to be a habit when something threatens him or he's upset, but we never talked about why. I just…assumed it had to do with pride."

She folded her hands, speaking slowly. "Well, do you know how it feels, when you're so stressed and worried and scared that there's this huge pressure inside you, and it feels like you'll just explode?"

Given the current situation Yugi could say with certainty that yes, he was _very_ familiar with that feeling.

"After the earthquake, that's how Yami lived, with that feeling every day. And he got in the habit of running. He now hides under a calm, steady outside, but it's fragile. Even several years ago he was like this. He would just take off and sometimes go missing for days. It scared me to the point of panic. It wasn't _normal_, I wished when something was bothering him that he'd face it or even just talk to me about it."

"I understand that feeling too," Yugi said quietly.

Eve nodded. "I don't think he realizes how it hurts others. And sometimes I would think…how selfish he was acting, to run away and leave other people to worry about him. But I can't blame him; I bear part of the responsibility. I let him do it at first because it seemed to help him grieve." She took a steadying breath. "Yugi, you need to understand that you did nothing to cause this. There are no excuses for him, but there are reasons, and they're all reasons that he has imposed on himself. Blaming yourself won't help."

Yugi thought about it. "I'm glad to know about this…it helps me understand. I just wish that he'd let me help him," he admitted. "You know, that I could have made a difference. Maybe I could have gotten him out of this habit. I hate that I've only caused him more pain. I'm so sorry that I failed him."

"Don't be sorry, Yugi. You didn't fail him. He won't admit that he has a need to run, he pretends like it doesn't control him. Even if you confronted him, he'd find a way to talk himself around the question. But Yami has changed since he met you. He's become a much better person. He smiles more often, he's cheerful when he visits…you've helped him more than he'll ever say. His childhood ended the day of the earthquake, but when he talks about you, his eyes light up the way they used to when he was young, and for that, Yugi, I will never be able to thank you enough. You have no reason to be sorry."

He blushed slightly, embarrassed, and still feeling vaguely guilty. He searched for a new topic; he didn't like hearing her thank him when he'd only caused Yami to run away again. "But…but I still don't understand what he's going on about 'worlds' for. He likes working and it was the earthquake that made you homeless, not yourselves, so why does he think that's the world he's supposed to be in? Why would he go back to _it_? If it wasn't for Mother Nature you'd be living like regular people."

She considered that and said, "To be honest Yugi, I'm not sure. If I had to take a guess, I'd say that in a strange way being a drifter is comforting to him because he knows he can run as much as he wants and no walls will stop him. It's a world he doesn't like being in, but at the same time it's the world he became an adult in. And because that world hurt you, the guilt alone is probably enough to make him believe he never should have left it. Also, I suspect, particularly after what happened, that he went back to it because he thinks it will keep you safe."

"But that makes no sense. He knows I care about him, so how could think he's helping me by leaving me? Where would he get a stupid idea like that?"

Her expression was sad. _Yami has kept more from you than I thought he had._

Yugi looked at her nervously. "Ma'…I mean, Eve?"

"I'm sorry, I was lost in thought for a moment."

"It's okay."

Looking at Yugi, she wanted to tell him everything she knew. But there were some stories that simply weren't hers to tell.

Seeing the sadness in his face, she said, "I know it doesn't seem like it when he acts like this, but Yami cares about you more than anything in this world. I think, if there's anyone who he would stop running for, anyone who he would come back to, it would be you."

Yugi smiled slightly. "That means a lot, thank you. I just wish…"

She understood the words he hadn't said. "I'm sure by now you've realized that it's not easy, loving him. He has a lot of problems and unfortunately his ways of coping tend to hurt those who love him. It's a sickness that has to get worse before it gets better. Nobody would blame you if you would rather walk away. I would understand completely."

"Thank you for telling me." Yugi stood up and backed toward the door. "And thank you for letting me know it's okay to give up, but I can't walk away. If nobody sticks with him, he's never going to heal. I think he could be okay if he just gave himself a chance. I don't want to see him become a drifter again just because he's scared."

"Yami's lucky," Eve said. "He's lucky to have you. He knows it, but he won't say it, so I'm telling you for him."

Yugi paused, his hand on the doorknob. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't feel like he'd been all that lucky for Yami. An awkward silence fell over the room. Outside, rain clouds were gathering and thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Yami hates sounds like that," Yugi said softly, almost to himself.

"No," Eve said, understanding his comment. "He hates the memories."  
_  
Memories._ Yugi turned toward her. "Eve?"

"Yes?"

"Did Yami ever have…I mean, before me, was there anyone…never mind. I should go before it starts raining." He opened the door. "Thanks for letting me visit."

"It was no trouble, stop by anytime."

As the door closed behind him, she sighed and closed her eyes, thankful that Yugi hadn't finished his question.

It started raining before Yugi was halfway home. He kept walking even as it poured down harder and thought about what Eve said about sicknesses. How Yami's had to play itself out. Thunder boomed across the city.

Deep inside, he had a dark feeling that it wasn't finished getting worse.

* * *

Across town, a posse of police cars, followed by ambulances sped down the highway on a call reporting six men badly injured behind a building site. The men were well-known to the law, six vagrants who were commonly spotted drinking, being chased off property, or lurking in groups begging for change and harassing other drifters.

Now they all lay unconscious, blood oozing from blunt, open wounds. All except for the sixth man, Ezui Sasaki. The piece of rebar buried in his skull ensured that he would never have to worry about his injuries.

Half a mile away, Yami huddled, trembling, under the stairs of a fire escape, his hands clamped over his ears. Water dripping from the beams above slowly rinsed away the blood on his arms as he curled in a ball, tears streaming down his face as he sobbed.  
_  
Make it stop. Make it stop._

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** If this plot device of "Yami kills someone" seems a bit familiar, you're not mistaken. I did go for a similar "twist" in a past fic. I was a newb back then though and I completely messed up the potential of the twist. This time, the results of said twist have been done _much_ better. I'm actually quite looking forward to where this is headed, and I hope you are too. =3 The fic definitely starts to take a darker turn from here on out…

Happy belated birthday to Jounouchi!


	11. Chapter 11

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 11  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

Murder, even the murder of someone who few knew about and even fewer cared about, gets headlines. It made the late news, and the papers managed to work it into their Monday edition for the next day. Yugi, who didn't watch the news and who only read the paper when bored, went through his classes that day completely oblivious to what was going on. He might have heard the students who did read the news talking about it at some point, but was feeling depressed and tired and spent the day in a fog, listening to no one. When his friends questioned his bruises, he told them flatly that he had challenged some of Yami's harassers to a fight. Jounouchi and Honda had congratulated him, Anzu had narrowed her eyes, clearly sensing they weren't getting the whole story, and Yugi had feigned a headache and stopped talking after that, not wanting to admit just yet that Yami had left.

At home, he trudged upstairs, ignored his mother when she said good afternoon, and sat down glumly at his desk. After scribbling down a few made-up answers on his homework he went downstairs to join his grandfather, feeling lonely.

"Hi Grandpa."

"Hi Yugi. How was school?"

"Just okay."

He watched his grandfather turn the page of the newspaper he was reading and was struck by the memory of Yami sitting at the same counter reading the same way. He got up to start re-stocking empty shelves and asked a few customers if they needed help, but as he ran out of things to do he finally got bored enough to glance at the paper his grandfather was holding. A bold headline caught his eye.

"Six attacked, one dead at construction site," he read aloud.

"Apparently it happened last night," Sugoroku said. "No witnesses or suspects, and they were homeless so it couldn't have been robbery. Motiveless violence, that's what society is heading towards these days." He turned the page with a heavy sigh.

Yugi felt his stomach twist nervously at the word 'homeless.' "Hey…Grandpa, can I see the paper when you're done?"

"Sure." He passed Yugi the news section and turned his attention to the stocks page.

Yugi almost dropped the paper as he flipped back to the page with the article, praying he would find a detail there that would tell him he was wrong._ It can't be them, it can't, that's impossible._

His eyes went immediately to a picture at the bottom.

_Sasaki Ezui (46) dead of severe head trauma,_ read the caption.

The picture (it looked like a mug shot) was grainy, black-and-white, and printed too dark, but even without the name listed Yugi would have been able to recognize him. Familiar sunken eyes stared back at him.

He read the accompanying article in a vague daze. As much as he hated the man, it was chilling to think he was dead. He had never even known his surname. Yami had never told him.  
_  
Yami…. No, there's no way, that can't be, Yami would never–_

His grandfather must have noticed Yugi going pale, because he looked concerned and asked, "Are you feeling okay?"

He closed the paper before Sugoroku could see which page he was reading. "Y-yes. Sorry…I'm kind of tired, I didn't sleep very good last night."

"Then go get some rest before dinner. I can close up without you."

"Thank you," Yugi replied faintly, bolting upstairs and to the bathroom before retching, overtaken by nausea at the utter shock of what he'd realized. Having eaten nothing that day, he could only heave a few times before sliding to the floor, bracing himself against the wall.

_It can't be Yami, Yami wouldn't kill…_

No, he couldn't say that. He knew Yami had a violent streak where these people were concerned.

His skin felt clammy. The tile felt good on his cheek.

_Just because someone _looks_ like they could murder doesn't mean that they _will, he told himself, struggling not to panic yet.

After all, after what his mother had gone through, surely Yami wouldn't want to end up on the wrong side of the law. He'd always been so determined to do things the right way; he had _pride_. He would go insane in jail, being locked up that way. He wouldn't do anything to risk being sent there.

_He was upset about them hurting me. He only attacked Ezui after he began messing with me. Then Mom made him believe that this was his fault…_

Shaking, he managed to get to his feet, flush, and walk to his room to curl up on his bed. The turmoil inside him wasn't going away. He buried his face in his pillow, as if blocking out the world would block out the truth.

_He can't go to jail! It'll kill him to be sent there._

Wasn't it the right thing, though? If Yami truly was a murderer, then jail was where he belonged. Sane or not, love or none, killing was wrong. Just because Yugi was worried about what it would do to him, he couldn't let that stand in the way of justice.

Could he?

Yugi turned on his side and pressed his hands to his forehead. He felt that pressure that he and Eve had discussed building up inside him as he tried to refuse to believe what was starting to seem like a very real possibility.

_Yami…why would you do this? Why?_

_

* * *

_

The doorbell rang at eleven o'clock at night on Tuesday, the next day. Eve Atemu put the novel she was reading aside and approached the door cautiously. She wasn't expecting anybody, and it was pouring down rain outside. She checked through the peephole first. Then she threw the door open.

"Yami? What are you doing here?"

He just stared blankly back, water dripping from his bangs. She motioned him inside, and the moment he was in he dropped his belongings and sank back against the wall.

"Yami?" she repeated. "What's going on?"

His voice was weak and raspy as he finally spoke. "I– I think I did something really bad."

She gave him a long look, her expression changing between concern, realization, and grim acceptance. "Was it you?" she asked quietly. "Did you attack Ezui and those other men?" There was no point in tip-toeing around the question. She had read about it in the paper the day before. She remembered them from before her arrest; they used to harass her as well. And she had certainly guessed they were the ones who Yugi had fought. Now, with the look on Yami's face, it all became clear.

His hands were pressed to his face. "Yes. I don't know. I think I did. I can barely remember."

"Yami…"

"I didn't…I didn't go out looking for them…I never intended…"

"I don't understand why you would do this."

"I..." His fingers tightened on his hair as he began to shiver uncontrollably. "Ezui was the one…I don't know what happened, I wasn't even looking for them, they were just there. I don't even remember attacking. If they said anything, or if I said anything…I don't know, I didn't hear a thing, I just thought about Y-Yugi and then suddenly there was blood on my arms and…" Tears were leaking between his fingers. "What's wrong with me?" he choked. "I killed someone…I almost killed five others. I didn't even know what I was doing, I didn't feel anything…_what the hell is wrong with me_?"

Eve stood silently. There was nothing she could say.

"Are you going to call the police?" Yami whispered.

She knew the right thing to do. She also knew, as Yugi had, that prison would be worse than torture for Yami. She'd made a choice between doing the right thing or protecting her son in the past and had never regretted her decision, but it still felt a bit eerie, how easy it was to break the law for his sake. "No."

Yami looked up, his eyes widening.

"Yami, I do not condone what you did, but I won't make you turn yourself in. That can be your choice. If you feel jail is where you can make amends, then that's up to you. If you think you could better make up for your actions outside of prison, I will provide an alibi for you."

Yami let out a sob, somehow relieved and feeling worse at the same time. "I'm sorry, I didn't want this to happen, I didn't plan it, I didn't want it…it was all over before I thought…" He collapsed to the floor as his legs gave out. "I don't know what to do," he choked as he turned his head away from her. He tried to lift his chin, a useless attempt to pretend there weren't tears on his face. Eve's expression softened. Quietly, she went to get a towel and knelt to wrap it around his soaked clothing. He kept his face resolutely turned away, even as she hugged him and he cried harder. "I'm s-sorry…"

After a half hour he managed to calm down, change clothes, and accept a cup of tea. He spent more time staring down into it blankly than drinking it, but it gave him something to focus on.

Eve sat across from him at the tiny table. "Yugi came here looking for you," she said, breaking the silence.

"How…how is he?"

"Confused. Upset. Worried about you."

"I meant his injuries," Yami mumbled.

"Those are healing fine. He wasn't hurt that badly."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Not in detail. You can ask him yourself when you see him again," she said.

Yami looked gloomily back into the mug. "I'm not."

"You're not what?"

"I'm not going to see him again. I'm leaving in a day or so. I have enough money to get to another city, I'll find a job there."

"So you're never going to see Yugi again?"

"It's what's best for him. He wouldn't want a murderer around." Yami got to his feet, suddenly eager to leave the room and be alone.

"You mean you _think_ it's what's best for you."

He stopped. "What are you saying?"

Eve's gaze didn't waver. "Unless you want to be miserable the rest of your life, one day you're going to have to find a reason to stop running. Yugi is the best reason you've had."

"I am _not running_!"

"You _are_ running," she argued, ignoring the anger in his face. "And you're letting memories hurt somebody you love. I've stood by and not said a word before because you had to learn on your own, but Yugi deserves to be treated better than this. The way you're acting, I can't help wondering if he isn't just a replacement for Shoua in your mind."

Yami clenched his fists. "You don't know what you're talking about. This has nothing to do with Shoua!"

"So you didn't run away because seeing Yugi hurt might've forced you to remember something you didn't want to?"

"Stop it!"

"I understand you're hurt and afraid," she said, gentling her voice. "That's understandable, but you aren't helping Yugi this way. He told me he loves you and he misses you. I believe he was sincere. He deserves to not be overshadowed by a ghost and he deserves the chance to decide for himself if he wants you around in spite of what you did. If you leave him behind and never come back, he's going to be devastated."

"I _know_ that, Mom. But you don't understand–"

"I understand enough to know that it took this long to finally let someone in. You were finally happy, Yami. And now you're just going to leave that behind–"

"Mom, stop."

"I told him you would come back to him."

"Then I guess you lied to him!" Yami shouted. "If I say it's over, that means it's over! You had no right to make promises to him that I cannot keep!"

She didn't respond. Yami squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. After a long silence he whispered, his voice shaking, "Yugi isn't Shoua. I know that. But maybe…seeing him hurt…did make me realize he could be taken away just as easily."

"You don't know that he will be," Eve replied gently. "And shouldn't you give him the right to decide if he wants to take that chance?"

Slowly, Yami dropped back into the chair and stared back down at the now-cold cup of tea.

"I wanted to be part of his world," he said, blinking rapidly as his voice cracked. "I really wanted…to be part of his life."

"You still can be."

"You don't understand. I can't go back to him. Not after this."

"You're wrong."

Yami didn't answer. He had stopped listening.

* * *

Later on he made up a bed for himself on the couch, and lay awake for hours. He closed his eyes and tried to recall the last time he had lost it and seriously injured someone. It had been almost two years ago, hadn't it? He was walking around a corner behind the apartment building they lived in, and had spotted a man waving a knife and snarling at a young woman he was gripping by the wrist. Her purse was on the ground, contents spread around as if someone had rooted through it mercilessly.

The woman was crying, "Let me go, I swear, I gave you everything I had that was worth anything."

"Stop lying, you bitch." He grabbed her hair and pulled it back, revealing tiny gold earrings. "Trying to hide these?"

"No, please, my sister gave me those, she died last year–"

"Do you think I care?"

They hadn't seen him yet and Yami began to back away, trying to remember where the nearest phone was. If he called the police, they might get there in time before the man got away or hurt her. He could hear the woman still pleading,

"They aren't even real gold, they have no value–"

"So? I'm sure I can find someone who will believe they're real. If you want to live, stop struggling and give them to me."

At that moment Yami heard a sharp cry and looked back to see the man press the blade to her neck. "Your last chance honey, before you make me take them from your corpse."

Yami suddenly felt the world spin faster, and a tiny white mark on his throat burned. The strangers before him dissolved, and he could feel cold steel against his skin. As his vision cleared, he found himself looking up into the glazed, unfocused eyes of an older man. The stranger was gripping his arm, swaying as he pressed the dull knife blade against his neck.

_"Give me all your money, everything you have."_

_"I don't have any–" _he tried to explain, but the stranger's expression only grew wilder.

_"You're lying, you're just greedy and want to keep it all for yourself. I know you're living with the other refugees, the government has given you money!"_

_"No, I'm a minor, they didn't give me any money. If you talk to the workers, they'll help you, they'll give you whatever you need."_

_"Those workers don't care about us,"_ he snarled. _"They'll run out of supplies soon. It's survival of the fittest now."_

_"I don't have anything!"_ Yami struggled, trying to pull away. A sharp sting let him know the knife has broken skin.

_"If you don't have anything then you shouldn't be alive. You being alive is just taking away supplies and food from someone else."_

Yami had already been feeling sick from heartache and stress and fear. But when the stranger said that, it was as if something poisonous had been injected into him. He could feel his chest tighten, his body twisting inside, his skin prickling and icy. To have the truth forced on him like this…

_I shouldn't be alive._

The sick feeling changed into something bitter and sharp in his throat. He swung his fist before he thought about it, grabbing the knife with the other and wrenching the man's arm around at an unnatural angle. He heard a popping sound, and the man gasped and cursed, reflexively grabbing for his injured arm instead of hitting Yami back. By the time he managed to force himself to ignore the pain, Yami had the knife in his hand and stabbed blindly. The awkward angle turned some of the thrusts into punches, but it was enough. A few moments later the man threw himself backwards, out of Yami's reach.

Breathing hard, Yami shook his head and tried to steady himself. On his left he heard the sound of someone gasping and turned. The young woman from before sat on the ground, staring up at him with a mix of fear and gratitude in her eyes. He looked down at the groaning, bleeding man to see that it wasn't the crazed stranger from the earthquake ruins, but the man who had been hitting the woman. He wasn't on the street, he was in the back lot of the apartment building. Stepping away, he shook his head harder, feeling dizzy and slightly nauseous at the smell of the blood. What had he just done?

"You…you should go," he finally said, his voice echoing in his ears. "You shouldn't stay here. If he took your money, take it back and go."

"What about you? You're hurt–"

"I'll be…" He didn't finish, staggering another few steps away. He could feel pain, but couldn't pin-point how badly he was hurt. His hands were shaking too hard to hold the knife anymore; it slipped from his numb fingers and fell to the ground. In a fog, he stumbled his way back to the apartment, where his mother had found him lying on the couch that evening.

"You did the right thing," she told him, dabbing disinfectant on his scrapes.

"Yes, but…"

"You defended her. If the police come, you won't get in trouble."

"I wasn't defending the woman," he mumbled. "I…saw what was happening and turned to find a phone or someone to call the police. But when I saw him put the knife to her neck it reminded me of when that guy tried to rob me after the earthquake. I didn't see her anymore. I was back in the past, and instead of getting away I fought back. I was defending myself the whole time, it wasn't till it was over that I realized where I was. I don't even remember moving, but I must have." He sighed as she capped the bottle. "It used to be I only had flashbacks to the…really worst parts. Now they're becoming more and more random, and they're affecting my actions. What if one day I can't control myself at all?"

She watched him sadly. "With a good therapist and the right medicine, there is probably a way to make them less severe, if not to stop them happening at all."

"No, Mom. It costs too much."

"Not that much. We could find a way to make it work."

"No, we're barely making it as it is. Besides, it isn't really a big deal," he said, hating her worried expression. "Today they actually came in handy. I already know to stay away from situations that will cause them, now I know that fighting is something else to stay away from."

"It isn't just those, Yami, I know–"

"Nightmares, same thing," he interrupted. "I'm sure a lot of people are still having problems like this. I'll be fine."

He knew she didn't believe him. He knew that she knew there was more to it. Something deeper, something darker than symptoms like nightmares and hallucinations. But she didn't say anything.

Yami opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling above the couch. It had been a long time since he thought about that day. He never had gotten in trouble for it, but afterward he'd always avoided that area of the building. He didn't like the memory of it, of how he'd had no control over his body. Nobody had attacked him. He could have stayed out of it and gone for the phone, and he hadn't. His only consolation was that he could put the blame on the flashback.

Even so, the event had shaken him. He remembered being so much in shock at having attacked the man as badly as he had that he hadn't even known what to do afterwards. Should he tell someone? Should he get help? Had he done something bad? Would he get in trouble? All those questions had spiraled through his head.

He held up his hands. They were completely steady. It didn't make any sense. The street had toughened him, made him someone who could fight back when thugs tried to pick on him, but he'd never thought he would kill.

_What would Yugi think of me?_

His throat closed up.

Despite what he had told his mother, part of him still held onto the hope that he could go back. He missed Yugi, he wanted to be there beside him. As scared as he was, part of him was already begging to go back to him.

_I can't. There's something wrong with me. I'm losing everything, nothing is fixing it, nothing is helping…_

His hands finally shook.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Not much to say about this one. It strikes me as a bit of a "filler" chapter and therefore I'm not that happy with it, but I do think it and all the stuff in it is necessary. Except maybe for the last part, which was mostly to fill in backstory.

Chapter 12 though! Oooh, am I looking forward to posting that one! So even if this chapter has lagged a bit, chapter 12 will make it all worth it, I assure you.


	12. Chapter 12

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 12  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

Yami didn't manage to get much sleep that night. Even when he finally did fall asleep, strange dreams that made no sense followed him and left him waking up feeling restless and exhausted. That day he spent wandering around the apartment aimlessly. He seemed not to hear when his mother tried to talk to him in the morning, as if mere voices couldn't penetrate the place his mind was lost in. Despite his convictions that he was doing the right thing, she knew he couldn't be completely at peace with himself. He had never had a more melancholy posture.

For something to do, he found an atlas, picked a town to start his new life in, and dug up a bus schedule to decide on which one to take. Early Thursday morning, before she left for work, they said their good-byes.

"Yami, are you sure about this?" Eve had asked this over and over in the preceding day, hoping he'd eventually decide not to go. If he ran, it would only cement a dangerous behavior that he'd finally shown a glimmer of hope to change. If he would just stay, she might be able to arrange a way for he and Yugi to meet up, even if it was against his wishes. She was sure Yugi wouldn't hate him. She was also sure Yugi would be able to talk some sense into him, if he'd just listen.

"Yes," he always replied. His answer was no different this time.

"Well, if you change your mind and decide to stay, I can help you find someplace to live–"

"I know," he said distractedly, glancing out the window. The bus was due any moment.

"Be careful. At least call me when you get a chance and let me know you're alright. And take care of yourself–"

"Mom, the bus is here. I have to go."

"I love you, Yami. Wherever you end up, please stay safe." She reached out to hug him. Yami hugged her back automatically. He wasn't surprised to see her reluctance to let him go; he knew she had hoped he wouldn't go back to this life. It wasn't until after a few minutes passed that he began to get antsy.

"Mom, the bus, I'm going miss it–"

She still didn't let go. Helpless, he tried to pull away. "Seriously, I have to catch the–"

Eve tightened her grip. He thought he heard a quiet sob and stopped fighting, feeling awkward. _Don't cry over me, Mom. It isn't like I've been the best son._

He couldn't say that aloud. "Um…it's okay…I'll call, I swear," he finally said uncomfortably. It was too late. Outside the window he saw the bus doors close and the vehicle pull forward. He felt his heart sink. The next bus that left the city didn't come for another few hours.

Suddenly, Eve released him and turned away to pick up her purse. "Have a safe trip," she said quietly, but when she turned toward the door he caught a glimpse of her face. Her eyes were surprisingly clear for someone who had supposedly been crying only a moment before. Yami's brows furrowed with suspicion as he watched her leave.

_Did she just make me miss my bus on purpose?_

It was pointless of her, really. A couple hours of extra thinking time wasn't going to change anything. He was getting out of town whether she wanted him to go or not.

He briefly considered using the subway system, but his skin crawled at the thought of descending underground into the tight maze of tunnels. No, the bus was the only mode of transportation available. He would just have to wait.

Flopping down on the couch with a sigh, he picked up the television remote and began flipping channels, finally settling on a talk show. It was engaging enough to keep his mind from wandering, at least until it ended. The following program was a televised court proceeding. He lunged for the remote. That was the last thing he wanted to watch; court only made him think of what awaited him if the police caught up with him.

Relocating to a nature channel he slouched against the back of the couch. He was fighting a losing battle; it was impossible _not_ to think about it. Flexing his fingers, he tried for the millionth time to feel some remorse. Sadness, guilt, _something_. Anything to let him know he was normal. And yet, he still didn't.

But did that mean something was truly wrong with him…or did it just mean that what he'd done, if 'wrong,' was at least vindicated in his heart?

He wasn't sure. He liked to think it was the second possibility, but he couldn't help a feeling that even if his actions were justified, there was something wrong. His mind chided at him that he ought to feel something after taking someone's life and doing a fair job at attempting to take another five. It didn't _matter_ what they had done, they were still people. They had pasts and families too. Who was he to pass judgment on them?

But every time he told himself he was a killer, another part of his mind kept whispering to him: _If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have had to leave Yugi. It's their fault. They hurt him, they brought back the fear, they made me leave._

He thought both sides of his mind had good points. And the one thing they did both agree on was a strong desire to not go to jail.

If only he could just settle on a feeling and be done with it. Instead, the only time he felt any real pain was when he thought of what Yugi would think of him if he ever found out.

Loud knocking on the door startled him out of his ruminating. He rose to his feet, puzzled. Did his mother forget her key, or had she returned home to prevent him from catching the next bus as well?

He had just reached for the handle when a new thought occurred to him.  
_  
What if it's the police?_

He stumbled back.

_Did I leave evidence? I must have, and they're probably here to ask my mom where I am…_

His heart pounding, he flattened himself against the wall where he couldn't be seen through any of the windows.

If he didn't answer, would they break down the door? His gaze darted around the room. There were no other exits, except the window in the bedroom, but that was a two-story drop…

The knocking returned, louder this time. Whoever was outside was pounding against the door hard enough to shake it.

Maybe he could chance the drop. People had fallen from further heights and walked away. He just had to remember…_are you supposed to lock your legs?_ No, that was for falling into water. _Try to land on your hands and knees?_ No…

The person outside was clearly out of patience. With a final loud thump he shouted, "Yami, I know you're here! Open the door!"

Yami felt his heart leap. That wasn't a police officer, he recognized that voice. An entirely new fear replaced the old. He hesitated a few moments, then reached for the door and opened it.

He was eye-to-eye with Yugi.

Yugi raised his hand and Yami ducked. Instead of smacking him, however, Yugi simply put his hand on his shoulder and pulled him forward to hug him.

Yami blinked into Yugi's hair, feeling a lump in his throat. Yugi's touch brought back too many emotions to handle.

"Yugi, what are you doing here? How did you even know where to find me?" he asked as Yugi pulled away.

Yugi looked slightly uncomfortable. Yami frowned, suddenly understanding the real reason Eve had made him miss the first bus. "Did my mother call you?"

Yugi nodded. "Yes."

_"He's leaving in a few hours, on the 9:45 bus by my apartment,"_ Eve had told him, calling from a pay phone outside the store she worked at. _"I want you to have a chance to talk to him before he leaves. He owes you that much."_

And Yugi had promised, not just for her, but for himself, that he would go and confront Yami. He would not go home without getting the full story, no matter how bad a fight it caused or how much anger he'd have to endure seeing in Yami's face. Like the anger there was in it right now.

Yami scowled, stepping back inside the room. "I don't believe this. I told her I wanted to leave this behind. Her speech doesn't work so she goes and calls you to come beg me…"

His dismissive tone set Yugi off. He strode inside, slammed the door, and scowled back at him. "Could you be slightly less full of yourself? She didn't call me to tell me to beg you to stay here. She called me because _you_ were too busy running away to show me the respect I deserve! You don't think the fact that you're leaving is my business too? Goddamn it, Yami, I love you, when will you start acting like that's worth something to you?"

Yami's eyes darkened. "You don't understand–"

"Yes, I do! I understand, Yami, I know why you run. I know why you go off on these crazy tangents. And I'm telling you that you're not getting anywhere! You take off thinking you're going to face fewer walls, but that isn't true because no matter how far you go you'll keep hitting them, because _you're_ putting them up. You think you're escaping something…but you're the one locking yourself up, Yami. You can't escape pain by just leaving behind the people who care about you! And you can't help me by leaving me here alone!"

Yami gazed at him. "But…"

"No, no 'buts,'" Yugi interrupted. "Maybe you don't get it, maybe you really think you're helping, but you're dead wrong. All you're doing is hurting me. You aren't helping, you aren't being noble, you're hurting me, Yami. And just because you're running doesn't mean you're actually getting someplace. You're trying to outrun something that isn't even physical. If you keep this up, one day you'll finally turn around and you'll realize there is nothing scary behind you, and you will regret all the chances you lost because you were too afraid to stop before!"

Yami felt his heart sting. "Yugi…I….I did something bad," he finally murmured, not sure how to say the words. _I'm a murderer._ How was he supposed to tell him?

Yugi went silent. He stood for a long moment, his expression hard to read, and then gazed across the room toward the wall, not meeting Yami's eyes. Quietly, he said, "So…it _was_ you. I read about it in the paper."

He wasn't sure if the fact that Yugi already knew made him feel better or worse. "It was. And I don't feel anything, Yugi. I don't…I should feel something, but I don't, and that can't possibly mean anything good."

Yugi stood in silence for a long time. His expression was still unreadable. Finally, he folded his arms and asked, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you go after them?"

"I didn't," he said. "I mean, I didn't mean to, I didn't plan on it."

Yugi considered that, looking slightly confused. "So when you left, you _weren't_ planning on revenge?"

Yami, feeling as if the entire world as he knew it had been turned upside down in the last few minutes, said, "No, I wasn't. I just happened to run across them. I lost control I guess. It's all a blur."

"Then why did you leave?"

"I saw no other way out. I was scared and sad and…" He stopped. "I just felt like it was the only thing I could do."

"But you never intended to hurt them," Yugi said.

"No, I didn't plan to. Why is this important? I still did what I did."

"It makes a difference."

"How? I don't understand, why are you still standing here, knowing that your suspicions were correct?" Yami stared at him, his tone slightly hysterical. "Killing is something completely different from me being scared and taking off. I get coming here to yell at me, I deserved that, but you hate violence. Why don't you hate me?"

"I can't _hate_ you," Yugi said, just as frustrated. "Why does everything have to be so black and white? Yami, I'm not saying what you did is right. I'll never say that; I wish you hadn't done it. But being upset or angry or confused doesn't have to equal hate. Hating isn't going to fix anything, and neither is running. I already figured out my choice, I'm here. Now you need to figure out yours." He stared up at Yami; his eyes looked somewhat wet, but their gaze was steely.

"I don't want you to keep trying to run when it's only going to hurt you in the end. You've put yourself in a corner, do you honestly think putting yourself _deeper_ in the corner is going to fix anything? Leaving isn't going to make things better and it won't make you feel better. It won't take away what you did; it won't forgive what you did. If you want to make things better, come back. You can make amends if you come back, I can forgive you if you come back, but not if you keep running away. I can't forgive you for deciding that I'm not worth facing your fears for."

Yami stared at him for several long moments. Yugi grew uncomfortable and was about to ask what he was staring at when Yami spoke. His voice was thick with tears. "Did they hurt you?"

Against everything else he felt, an odd spot of warmth entered Yugi's chest. He reached out and took his hand, gentling his voice. "No. My mom exaggerated. I was fine, just bruised. What happened wasn't your fault. I chose to go out that night, I _wanted_ to fight. I wanted to challenge them. It was my choice, and it made me feel like I wasn't so weak. My mom lied to me, she told me that you knew I was okay and that you didn't want me to get up. That's why I didn't come down to talk to you. She had no right to blame you or tell you I was hurt."

He felt Yami's fingers tighten slightly on his own.

"Please Yami, come back home. I want you to come back. We can handle this, we can discuss it and decide what to do together. I can help you."

Yami felt his eyes stinging. "I-I can't. There's something inside me–"

"There is nothing inside you that you can't fight," Yugi said, hoping, praying for a response. Yami lowered his head, his hands shaking.

From outside the window came the sound of a familiar vehicle. Yami stiffened. "My bus is here, I have to go." He tugged his hand from Yugi's and took off at a stride for the door. Yugi raced after him and grabbed his arm just as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Yami, no, don't."

"You don't understand Yugi, you think now that you can forgive me, but what happens later? When it really sinks in that I killed someone? Do you want to be an accomplice to that?" Yami asked, not meeting his eyes.

"Why don't we wait until then to see how I feel rather than deciding now?" Yugi returned, ignoring the concerned flutter in his mind, which questioned if Yami was right. He could spare no time for doubts now – he was relying on his heart to tell him what the right choice was. Right now, his heart told him he had to stop Yami from running again, at all costs.

Yami grit his teeth. He had never gone back on what his instinct told him was right before…when something bad happened, he knew to get away from it. And _this_, this was the very worst thing. He'd let himself care about Yugi, and it got Yugi hurt. He had committed an unforgivable sin. He had let the poisoned part of himself grow stronger, a part of himself that Yugi had no idea existed. Yugi said he would forgive him in time, but it seemed impossible.

At the same time, he had never cared for someone the way he did for Yugi before either. He couldn't bear the thought that leaving would cause the pain Yugi said it would. And he was scared, lost, and Yugi had told him they could find a way to make things okay. It seemed impossible, but his love for Yugi told him to trust him.

Yugi stared back at him, his eyes open and clear, the same flawless amethyst that had captured Yami's attention from the very beginning.

Yami's eyes were wet. His voice cracked feebly when he managed to speak. "Yugi...I'm sorry."

Three minutes later, the bus doors closed and it pulled away from the curb. Yugi stood beside the stairs, watching it go, his head on Yami's shoulder.

"Thank you, Yami," he whispered, hugging him. "Thank you for not leaving."

Yami hugged him back, clinging to him. His choice terrified him, but at the same time he felt something fall into place inside him as he stroked Yugi's hair and took in the comfort of his warmth. There would be time later to discuss all the issues still surrounding them. Time to plead forgiveness and try to explain himself.

But right now he could believe there was something beyond the immediate future. Happiness. Belonging. Something lasting. Today, he had finally glimpsed it.

He didn't need to reply. His touch said everything, and Yugi understood.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **I'm fond of this chapter, because I love me some take-charge!Yugi. He's cute when he needs protection from Yami, but I adore it when he stands up and gets tough when Yami needs protection from himself.

I consider this sort of the end of Part One of this story, so this chapter had to be something extra-special. I re-wrote these scenes over and over. Different dialogue, different shifts of power in the argument, different emotions…I even acted out the hand motions and dialogue. There were a couple ways it could go and I think each would have made for an interesting scene, but I have no regrets choosing this one over the others.

Thank you everyone for your support this far. Your feedback means more to me than I can express, and I can only hope that you'll continue to follow the story into Part Two. Personally, I think it's better than Part One. ;3


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 13  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

Yami's return to the shop went well for the first two minutes; long enough for Sugoroku to assure him he'd been serious when he told him he still had his job. It fell apart when Yugi's mother refused to let him come upstairs.

"I decide who lives here and who doesn't," she declared, blocking the stairs. "Yami, I'm sorry, but you have to leave."

Crushed, Yami backed away. Yugi, however, stared angrily at his mother. "Mom, come on."

They were the first words he'd spoken to her since Sunday morning. Surprise crossed her face before being replaced by steel.

"No Yugi, I've made up my mind. He can't stay here anymore."

Scowling, Yugi pushed past her. "Can I talk to you upstairs?" He kept walking before she could answer. Frowning as well, she followed, until they reached the second floor. The moment they did, Yugi spun around.

"What is your problem?" he demanded. Her eyes narrowed.

"Watch what you say, young man."

"Why are you forcing Yami out?"

Hands on her hips, she said, "You think I'm going to just let him come back here after everything he's done? Your father is coming home this evening, it will be difficult enough to explain why the shop help is living in our store room, much less explain why I'm letting a man who has disrupted your life as much as he has stay here."

Yugi glared. "Yami hasn't–"

"Ever since you met him things have been getting steadily worse."

"He hasn't done–"

"First you're out late every day, the insanity of it, spending hours with a complete stranger. God knows what might have happened to you."

"Nothing happened!" Yugi argued.

"And then you bring him home and lie to us about him, since when do you lie?"

"I was trying to protect–"

"Now you're skipping school. You have never been a very devoted student but I know you did not skip school before meeting him!"

"I had to talk to him today to stop him from leaving, I didn't have a choice!"

"Not to mention that when those men beat you up, he didn't even have the decency to stay here and take responsibility for what he did," she said. "He just ups and leaves–"

"_Mom, stop_." Yugi's voice turned icy with anger for the second time that day. He was rather shocked at how many different fights he'd been in the last couple days. First the men, then arguing with Yami, now yelling at his own mother. He wasn't sure what had come over him, only that he was sick and tired of everyone around him refusing to listen to him. "That was not Yami's fault!"

"I–"

"No, listen to me!" Yugi snapped. "I chose to fight them, it was my idea! They would have let me go, I stayed, I said I wanted to fight. I wanted them to know they couldn't intimidate me. In fact, I held my own pretty well in it. Yami had nothing to do with it. I chose to skip school to go and get him, that was my idea, he didn't ask me to come. I stayed out late with him because I wanted to spend time with him. I told you before; I knew I could trust him. Lying to you about his past wasn't the right thing to do, but I did it because I wanted him to have a home! And I knew you wouldn't have let him stay if you met him knowing that he was homeless and his mother was in jail. I _knew_ you'd be judgmental."

"I am not–"

"And I was right, wasn't I? You don't even know him, you don't know his mother. But because she did some jail time for some dumb mistakes she made out of desperation, you don't even want to try to get to know her. And you clearly haven't tried to get to know Yami; you'd rather just make your own assumptions about him, whether they're true or not!"

"Yugi," she said, ignoring his tirade, or perhaps just waiting to address it later. "You might not be able to see it right now, but you need to trust me–"

"I've got no reason to trust you," he returned, feeling some small spark of cruel victory at the hurt that crossed her face, but earning no pleasure from it. The acknowledgment of that fact actually hurt him as well. He'd always gotten along with his mother. The fact that she'd lied stung him.

"Yugi…"

"You lied to me, and to him." He tightened his jaw, trying to avoid letting his voice shake. "Even though he was hurt you didn't reassure him. You promised me you had and I trusted you, and because of that I wasn't there to help him."

"I'm trying to protect you."

"You're trying to protect me by sending away the person I love? Oh thank you, that makes perfect sense."

She had found a way to mask whatever pain his words had brought, because her voice was steady as she asked, "What if he runs away again, Yugi? I've watched you sit here, depressed and guilt-ridden twice already because _he's_ unable to handle pressure."

"He's not going to run again, he told me–"

"Told you what? That things would be different this time?"

Yugi met her eyes. "Yes."

She didn't bother to hide her doubtful frown.

"Yami meant it! He's changed, Mom–"

"How do you know?"

"He came back!"

"And what difference does that make? He came back before and he left again."

"He was scared. Yeah he should have chosen not to leave but that's easy for us to say, we haven't gone through what he has!"

"Fine, then tell me this," she said. "Did he want to come back, or did you make him?"

"What?"

"Today. Did he make the choice to come back on his own or did you have to talk him into it?"

Yugi faltered. "I…well, he was nervous, so obviously I had to convince him."

She shook her head. "If he didn't want to be here you should have let him go."

"You don't understand," Yugi said.

"I understand fine, Yugi," she said. "I understand that he's still bitter and isn't over his problems yet, and when he can't deal with something he takes it out on you. Twice in the last few months I've seen you crying and miserable because he's taken off. What's going to happen this time? He claims he's changed? People don't change overnight and sometimes don't change at all. If he didn't want to come back, sooner or later he'll flip out and he'll run away and you'll be left here alone again, heartbroken. And he won't be here for you; he'll be gone someplace where he doesn't have to see the pain he's putting you through. I'm not giving him a chance to hurt you a third time."

"Mom…" Yugi felt his eyes sting, torn between feeling surprised and even reluctantly touched that she was trying to prevent him heartache, hurt at her blunt words, and afraid because what she'd said about Yami leaving again was something he was scared of too. "Mom, you don't know that will happen."

"It's happened twice already."

"He _can_ change!" A note of desperate hope rang in his tone.

She looked back at him evenly. "Yes, he can. But we both know it's not likely."

"But it takes time…he's been through so much, of course it will take awhile, but this time he really is–"

"Really is what? Really is 'fixed?' Really is 'better?' He might need help you can't give him. You can't heal him just by existing, Yugi, no matter how much you want to."

"You're acting like he's some kind of psycho!" Yugi said, nearly in tears, hating the perfectly-true words she was saying. "You don't know him, Mom!"

"And you do?"

"Yes, I do! I love him, and he loves me, and he would never, ever hurt me on purpose. I know that!"

"Maybe he won't hurt you on purpose, but the fact remains that he _is_ hurting you. You have got to take care of yourself first."

"I'm not going to turn him out because of something so selfish!"

"Sometimes you have to be selfish, Yugi. If he's making you unhappy–"

"I don't care!" Yugi interrupted, silencing her. "Mom, can't you see that I don't care? I want to be with Yami, and if he freaks out and runs, I want to be the person who goes after him, and if he loses it, I want to be there to talk him down. I already know all this, Eve – Yami's mother – she explained it to me. She told me it wouldn't be easy. I'm prepared for that. Any pain you think you're preventing me by making him leave is only a fraction of how much it would hurt to lose him. I appreciate that you want to protect me, but I don't need it, I'm not a little kid. I want to be there, it's my choice. And if you make him leave," he continued fiercely, "if you force him to leave and won't let him come back, then you'd might as well kick me out too, because I'm going with him."

"Yugi!"

"Yami's trying to change, he's doing his best. Now please Mom…give him a chance. A real chance, without prejudice. Just one, okay? If he…does leave again, I won't ask you to take him back in."

She hesitated. Yugi waited, feeling that speaking now would only hinder negotiations.

For a long moment they stared at each other, until Mrs. Mutou finally said, "Your father is getting home in a few hours. I'll discuss it with him tomorrow and see what he says. I need to speak with him about your relationship as it is."

"But until then?"

"Until then…Yami can stay."

"Thank you," he replied as politely as he could and left the room, not waiting for her to rekindle the argument. He paused long enough to compose himself into what he hoped was a calm, cheerful expression. But downstairs, he found Yami conspicuously absent.

"Where's Yami?" he asked his grandfather, confused.

"He went upstairs after you did, and he came down a few minutes ago looking upset," he replied, also looking bewildered. "He's outside."

Heart sinking, Yugi rushed to the door and opened it to see Yami sitting on the front steps, a forlorn slump to his shoulders.

"Yami," he said gently, sitting down beside him. "Grandpa said you followed me upstairs…?"

Yami looked over at him sadly. "I'm sorry."

"Oh Yami." Yugi bit his lip, not having anticipated this. The whole point of going upstairs to talk was to protect Yami from whatever unkind things his mother would say about him. "Listen…what my mother said–"

"Don't try to make excuses. You know what she said is true." He scuffed at the sidewalk. "I have run away. I have taken out my problems on you and then left so that I wouldn't have to see you in pain. I've broken your heart twice because I couldn't deal with everything. She was spot-on."

"Yes Yami, but I understand that you weren't trying to hurt me." He reached for his hand. "Mom doesn't get it, she doesn't know you, she thinks you're just taking advantage of me and doing it on purpose. She's just judging you based on the past."

Yami pulled his hand away. "I'm never going to be good enough for her, am I?"

"It doesn't matter if you're good enough for her, all that matters is if you're good enough for me."

"She's got a point…I'll never get better." He sighed. "I mean, I thought…today at the bus stop, for a second it felt like it would work out this time. I thought maybe this was it, maybe this was the turning point, but hearing her, she's right, people like me–"

"What do you mean, people like you? You're human just like everybody else. You're not some kind of freak. This could be a turning point if you want it to be."

"But what if I don't change? I told you, there's something…"

Yugi tried again to take his hand. This time Yami let him, and Yugi squeezed his fingers gently. "You don't have to force change. Just be yourself and you'll see that things work out. I love you as you are, flaws and all. You love me and all my flaws, right?"

Finally, a tiny smile crossed his face and he nodded, but it vanished quickly as something else seemed to occur to him.

"So you talked to my mom, huh?" he asked.

"When I was looking for you, yeah."

"What…did you talk about?"

Yugi frowned. Yami seemed nervous, but that didn't make any sense. "I don't know, you I guess. I told her about the fight and how you left and how I was worried about you, and she told me it wasn't my fault, and I told her I wanted to be with you in spite of the bad things. That was basically it."

"Oh." The news didn't seem to cheer him, though he did look a little less anxious. "Okay. I was just curious."

Yugi smiled at him and pulled him to his feet. "Come on Yami, cheer up. For me, alright? I got Mom to agree to let you stay till Dad comes home. I'm starving, so let's go get something to eat."

Yami got up and followed him upstairs. Yugi made sure to hold his hand extra tightly.

* * *

Yugi called Eve that night to tell her what had happened.

"I knew you would be the one who would get his attention," she said after hearing the story.

"Well it sure wasn't easy." Yugi laughed a little. "I had to yell quite a lot."

"But he listened to you."

"Eventually."

"Proof of concept, he would never listen to anybody else, not even 'eventually.' And truth be told, he probably needed the yelling."

"Do you really think he's going to be okay? I mean…after that…attack and all? I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it myself yet, but I'm afraid he'll dwell on it," Yugi confided. They'd already made plans to pretend like Yami had been staying at Eve's so that he would have an alibi for the attack if it became necessary to have one. They both knew the testimony of a family member would be near-worthless as evidence, but they had to have a story if worst came to worst. It was the best they could do.

"I don't know, Yugi…we can only just wait now and see."

"I guess…I just hope nothing bad happens, the police haven't contacted us so that's a good sign, but–" he stopped, hearing the water shut off. "Oh, I've got to go, Yami's about to get out of the shower."

"Thank you again, Yugi. Bye."

"Bye," Yugi hung up the phone and was waiting by the counter when Yami arrived in the room, dressed in his usual night clothes and with a towel around his hair.

"Hello Yugi…that shower was awfully refreshing."

"I hope you saved me some hot water," Yugi said.

"Of course I did."

"I mean hot water that I won't have to turn the knob all the way to the scalding side just so I can get a lukewarm shower."

"Oh don't be a wimp, a little cold water is healthy," Yami said, his tone teasing. Yugi was thrilled to hear the hint of playfulness; it was the first time he'd sounded normal since he arrived.

"Oh yeah? In that case tomorrow I'll take the first shower and you can deal with the lukewarm leftover water," Yugi teased back.

"Fair enough," Yami replied.

Through this whole exchange Yugi had been sniffing the air interestedly, trying to locate the source of a delicious new scent that had reached him. It was only now, as Yami walked by him to return downstairs to the stock room, that Yugi realized Yami was the source.

"Yami, what are you wearing?"

"Wearing?" Yami glanced at his clothes. "I wear these all the time."

"No, I mean that cologne or whatever it is."

"I'm not wearing any cologne."

"Then what do I smell?"

"Are you saying I stink?" Yami asked indignantly.

"No! I mean…" Yugi sighed. "I don't know, it's like soap or perfume or something."

"I washed my hair, could that be it?"

Yugi edged closer. "I didn't know my shampoo smelled so good."

Yami unwrapped his damp hair and shook it out. "I don't know…smelled like regular shampoo to me."

"Well on you it smells great." Yugi slid over to his side, smiling mischievously. "In fact I think I'll just stay right here so I can enjoy it."

Yami grinned and pulled Yugi to his chest. "By all means, do. In fact, I'll go wash my hair again if you'd like."

"Only if you let me join you," Yugi replied, mustering the most innocent look he could, although he couldn't hide the glint in his eyes. Yami raised an eyebrow.

"That could be arranged."

"So that I get some of the hot water for once," Yugi elaborated.

"Oh I see how it is, you're just after my hot water."

"_Yours_? Don't forget whose house you're living in!"

Yami laughed. It was such a wonderful sound. Yugi burrowed against his chest, (which, incidentally, also smelled great.)

"Yami…?"

"Hmn?" Yami's hands were on his back, caressing all of Yugi's favorite spots, enticing a small purr.

"…Nothing." Yugi smiled and closed his eyes. Talking would ruin the moment. He didn't need to say anything.

"Excuse me." A third voice joined in, and they both turned around to see Yugi's father, Kazuki Mutou. He had returned earlier, and although rather bemused to discover they'd opened the house to the new shop help, had said nothing openly against Yami living there. Yugi wasn't sure if his mother had discussed anything with him yet, but he seemed remarkably unsurprised to find them standing there hugging, leading Yugi to assume someone must have filled him in. He let no sign of approval or disgust into his expression, however. "I need to get to the refrigerator."

"Sorry Dad." Yugi smoothly, albeit regretfully, detached himself from Yami and stepped aside. As soon as his father had the refrigerator door open and they were blocked from his view, Yugi gave Yami's lower lip a quick nip.

Yami returned the fast kiss just in time, and slipped out of the room to go to bed.

Out of Yugi's sight, the happiness faded fast. He had done his best to cheer up, as Yugi had requested, but when left to his own thoughts he quickly lost his optimism. By the time he reached his room, the warmth of Yugi's hug had worn off. Yami flopped down on his bed and lay awake, feeling increasingly anxious.

_Yugi said this could be a turning point. How can it be when I'm not better? I'm just getting worse. He just can't see it, he insists…he _believes_ I'll get better._

He rolled onto his side, hiding his face, not sure what he was hiding it from. Hope seemed possible in the light, around others, where he was protected. But in the dark, where nothing padded the truth, it was ridiculous.

He had made mistakes, and was losing it, and Yugi's family knew it. _How much longer_, he wondered, _before Yugi realizes they're right?_

He wasn't the only one lying awake. Yugi was staring up at his ceiling at the same moment, slowly bunching up the blankets in his hands. He thought about his phone call with Eve, the two of them creating an alibi, hoping that the police wouldn't suspect Yami.

He'd always thought his sense of justice was sound. He advocated forgiveness, but even he had limits. Now, people had been hurt, and someone had died, and here he was, protecting the murderer out of his own free will.

_They were bad people_, he thought. _They deserved what they got._

He closed his eyes and told himself he believed it.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **Yeah, I named Yugi's dad Kazuki. What the heck, it makes sense! His mom doesn't have a name, and will continue to not have one if I can get away with it. I've heard some possibilities of what her canon name is supposed to be, but I can't be sure. And every name I choose for her sounds dorky. Speaking of his mother, I'm hoping this gave a little more insight into her. Maybe she'll receive less death threats after this. xD; She's not a bad person. She's just willing to be a hardass if she has to when it comes to protecting Yugi.

This is both a celebratory post (yay White Day!) and a heal-the-pain post, (gahhh, Daylight Savings Time. T_T)


	14. Chapter 14

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 14  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

The very next day when Yugi arrived home from school, he walked into the living room to find his parents, grandfather, and Yami all sitting in an uncomfortable silence.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Put your school things away, Yugi," his father said. "I want to talk to you about this situation with you and Yami."

Yugi slunk by, casting a glance at his lover. Yami was careful not to make eye contact.

A minute later he rejoined them and sat down on the couch, putting a few feet between himself and Yami. "What's going on, Dad?"

"Your mother talked to me," Mr. Mutou said. "And she told me what's happened since Yami moved in."

"All of it?" Yugi asked, searching his face for some hint of what was going to happen. His father, unfortunately, had an excellent poker face. He looked as calm as he had the night before, though Yugi thought his tone was a little sharper.

"Yes, all of it. She said there was an agreement that the two of you would break up, but that doesn't appear to have worked out. She also told me you threatened to run away if she sent Yami away."

Yugi nodded, wishing that he hadn't made that threat. Not only had it been profoundly immature, but in the pro/con list of letting him and Yami stay together, it was definitely a con.

"Father has already agreed to employ Yami," Kazuki continued, nodding toward Sugoroku. "And put in a good word for allowing him to stay."

"It's convenient," Sugoroku said. "Having Yami live here means he can open the shop on time for me when I don't feel well, and by living downstairs he acts as a security guard at night."

Yugi gave his grandpa a quick appreciative smile. He had a feeling his grandfather's support of Yami was one of the only reasons they hadn't just thrown him out without preamble. Support from the eldest family member was vital.

"Personally, I don't care if Yami lives or works here," Yugi's father said, waving one hand. "I'm more concerned about this relationship. If Yami lives here, it seems inevitable that it will continue."

"Obviously forbidding it last time didn't stop it," Mrs. Mutou observed. "I spoke to Yami's mother, she seemed under the comfortable impression they were still together."

Yugi sneaked another look at Yami, surprised and wondering how Yami would take the news that their parents had talked. Yami was looking down at his socks.

"So the question is, what is the best course of action?" Mr. Mutou said, making a steeple shape with his fingers. "We have consequences to consider; academic, professional, social…" He caught Yugi narrowing his eyes and repeated, "Yes, social. This sort of relationship may be more acceptable than it was several years ago, but you have to understand that not everyone is going to approve. If it is just some childish lark, I expect you to realize it's not worth what might come. We could lose business, or there could be hate attacks. If you continue a public relationship, I need to know if you're mature enough to realize what it could cause."

_It's not like we're famous_, Yugi thought, somewhat scathingly, but instead kept his voice calm as he said, "I know."

"And you're okay with letting your choices affect the entire family?"

Yugi glanced at Yami again, helplessly. Yami was still staring at the floor, now with his lower jaw clenched. Obviously there would be no help coming from him. He had the feeling there was a specific answer his family was waiting for, but he wasn't sure which one it was. For all he knew, they were waiting to see how serious he was. Maybe waiting to see if he was willing to fight for this.

But then, if he tried to deliberately give them the answer that would give him the outcome he wanted, he'd be no better than his mother, who had lied to him for at least partly the same reason.

"No," Yugi finally said, deciding that truth and maturity trumped stubbornness and head games. "We'll take responsibility for anything that happens. If anyone says anything to you, tell them to talk to me. Or us. It shouldn't involve you. And if…anything really bad happens, we'll handle it then. We won't just ignore it." He tried to swallow; his mouth had gone dry. "I told Mom…if anything happens, I won't ask you for another chance."

Yugi's mother folded her arms. She and her husband exchanged a last look and she nodded just slightly.

"I can't say I'm thrilled. It has come as a shock to discover you would prefer to have a boyfriend, particularly someone with…his sort of past," his father said, his businesslike expression overtaken with tones of hesitancy, before he snapped back to briskness. "However, it seems clear that forbidding it will only distract you both. You have responsibilities in school or work and I do not want those disrupted further. As long as you are willing to take responsibility for any consequences, we're willing to give you a chance. You may continue the relationship if you agree to follow our rules."

Yugi couldn't hide his joy. "Dad, thank you–"

"You will keep your grades up," he continued more sternly, as if not hearing him. "You will not skip school again and you will not distract Yami from his work. You will both make up for the hours of work you have lost. Any dates will be approved by us and you may only go on them if your respective work and chores have been completed. Is that fair?"

They nodded in unison. Yami spoke this time as they both agreed, "Of course."

The meeting apparently over, Yugi's parents left without any further words. Sugoroku gave them a sly thumbs up as he slipped out. Alone, Yugi looked at Yami and saw him finally make eye contact. Before he could speak, words were tumbling from Yami's mouth.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to jump in, but they told me before you came in not to speak," he said, taking Yugi's hands. "They wanted to hear your answers without me adding anything."

"Did they ask you anything before I arrived?"

"The same things they asked you. If I could accept the consequences, if letting me stay would prevent future problems. My answers were about the same."

"So we're allowed to be together now," Yugi said, as if still testing out the idea. "No more sneaking around, no more avoiding each other in the halls…" He threw his arms around Yami, leaned up, and kissed his lips. "This is great."

"I think they only agreed because this way they have some control over us."

"Maybe, but I don't care." Yugi kissed him again. When Yami barely responded, he pulled away and asked, "Yami? Is something wrong?"

Yami shook his head. "No, nothing. I just have a lot on my mind. You know."

"Oh…" Yugi nodded, suddenly subdued. Sometimes he could forget what had happened. He _liked _forgetting what had happened; but he guessed it wasn't so easy for Yami. "Yeah. I understand. I should probably let you get back to work anyway, huh?"

The change in tone wasn't lost on Yami. He cursed himself for turning what should have been a happy moment into a serious one. "Probably. Besides, you have to do your homework, if your grades slip I'm the first one they'll blame," he said, making an effort to smile.

"I will, I'll study harder than ever."

"And maybe later we can play a game or something," Yami suggested. That made Yugi grin.

"That sounds great, we haven't had the chance to play any games for ages."

"It's a date then," Yami said, and kissed him; perhaps without his usual vigor, but it was sweet all the same. Yugi kissed him back before getting up and returning cheerfully to his room.

The earthquake struck a half hour later.

* * *

Yugi was staring down a particularly frustrating trigonometry problem when he felt the first strong jolt. He instinctively grabbed the edge of his desk as another few sharp shakes rolled through, then vanished.

Though larger than the common, tiny ones that happened imperceptivity, it was still small enough to cause little commotion. The properties in the neighborhood had been built well with quake threats in mind. Aside from a few cars which had stopped in the middle of the street during the shaking, nobody seemed to have reacted.

The moment it stopped, Yugi bolted from his room. His father peered out of his office as he rushed by. "Yugi, are you alright?"

He didn't stop to answer as he took the stairs three at a time to the game shop and skidded into the store, just as Sugoroku was about to walk up, almost colliding with him.

"Grandpa, is Yami okay?" he asked, side-stepping to glance at the counter. He couldn't see Yami.

"That's what I was about to come get you for," his grandfather said quietly, pointing to the stock room. "He'd gone in back to get something just before the quake. I don't think he's hurt, but he won't get up or answer me. He's just…"

"I got it," Yugi said, pushing by him and striding for the room, opening the door. "Yami?"

There was no response, but as he fell silent he heard a small gasping sound. Following it, Yugi found Yami sitting on the floor beside a few overturned boxes, trembling, his arms hiding his face.

"Yami?" Yugi knelt beside him. "Yami, it's me. Say something."

Yami just shook, seemingly unable to answer.

"Yami?" he asked more gently, touching his shoulder. "Can you hear me? It's okay, you're not back there, you're safe. The earthquake is over. Nobody got hurt, our house is fine, your mother and her place are fine…everything's okay."

He still got no answer. Yami didn't even seem to realize that Yugi was there. His chest tight with worry, Yugi forgot about being gentle and tried to pry his arms away from his face. Yami's body tightened and he cried out.

Startled, Yugi released him and Yami continued to hide behind his hands and quiver. For a moment, everything Yugi knew shifted.

One of the things he had found admirable about Yami, as embarrassing as it was to admit, was how grown-up he could be. He was someone making his own life. He was mature and tough and self-reliant and he _looked_ it. Yugi, whom nature had cursed to look younger than his sixteen years, envied him at times. Now, however, he didn't look like an adult. He looked like a child trying to protect himself as his world fell apart. And Yugi didn't know what to do.

"Yami…" He put his arms around him and hugged him as tightly as he dared. "You're fine. Everything is okay, I promise."

Yami's grip on himself loosened by a fraction. He lowered his arms just enough so that Yugi could see his eyes wide open, staring blankly as tears glistened on his dark lashes. Yugi raised one hand to Yami's cheek and gently wiped at the corner of one of his eyes, rubbing away the tears.

The touch seemed to bring him back. His body jerked in Yugi's arms once, and his breathing grew heavier. Finally, he spoke. "I'm…I'm sorry–"

Broken, whispered words had never made Yugi so happy. "You don't have to apologize," he said, hugging him in relief. "It's alright."

Yami slowly lowered his hands. One of them found Yugi's and wrapped around his fingers. Yugi gave his hand a comforting squeeze.

After several long moments, Yami lifted his head and gave Yugi a tiny weak smile. It wasn't much, but it was something. Yugi smiled back at him, and stayed until Yami moved and got to his feet. Yugi followed him up, still holding his hand.

"You don't have to go back to work right away if you're not ready," he said. "I'm sure Grandpa would let you rest some more."

Yami shook his head. "No, it's alright."

"Are you…are you sure you're okay?" Yugi asked.

"I'm fine."

He didn't look fine. He looked more like he'd just been whipped.

"You know, if you want to talk or anything," Yugi said, holding onto him tighter, "I'm here."

"I know. Thank you," he said quietly. "But I should work."

Yugi nodded and let him go, as much as he hated to do it. _His pride has suffered enough_, he told himself, and returned to his room. He'd been looking forward to their plans, but had decided there was no way he was going to pester Yami about games after what had happened. Until, at seven o'clock, Yami tapped his doorframe and peered in.

"Yugi?"

He jumped up from where he'd been studying a model figure at his desk. "Yami? Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to ask if you still wanted to play a game."

"Are you sure you feel up to it?" Yugi asked, torn between wanting to and worrying that he should be doing something to fix the still-tense expression in Yami's eyes.

"Of course I do," Yami assured him, stepping inside and sitting down on the edge of his bed. "Like you said, we haven't gotten to play any games for awhile. I want to."

Yugi hesitated, then gave in. He'd be lying if he said that he didn't want to play a game; he loved playing games with Yami. It just felt awkward, after what he'd seen earlier, to sit here so cheerfully and if nothing was wrong.

"How about this one?" Yugi asked, offering a board game they'd played before. It wouldn't be fair, he reasoned, to burden Yami's mind with something with new rules right now.

"Sounds good." Yami took it and started sorting out the pieces. Yugi tried not to stare too closely at him. He really tried. He wanted to enjoy this moment, to have fun and be playful. They hadn't had this for a long time.

But even though Yami smiled and teased him back, that cold expression in his eyes didn't change. Yugi couldn't stop himself from looking for it, knowing it was there.

"Yami?" he asked, near the end of the game.

Yami looked up. "Hmn?"

"Are you _sure_ you're okay?"

Yami rolled the dice. "I told you, I'm fine."

"You don't have to be. It's okay if you're not," Yugi said.

He moved his game piece, keeping his head down. "I'll be okay if I don't think about it."

Yugi nodded and took the dice. If that was what Yami wanted, he had no place to argue about it. "Alright."

Yugi won the first game and they had begun a second before Yugi's mother called them to dinner. It was the first time Yami had eaten with them for awhile, but he didn't eat very much, and he was wide awake that evening when Yugi snuck down to wish him good night. He looked even more pale and withdrawn in the morning, causing Yugi even more concern. He thought school might provide a welcome distraction, but instead he only felt restless and anxious to get back home, praying that he'd find Yami resting and perhaps willing to talk. When he returned from school, however, he noticed Yami only looked worse.

"Have you rested at all today?" he asked, his heart sinking as he watched Yami re-arranging a perfectly-arranged display. Yami's hands were shaking.

"No, I don't have time to rest. I need to work."

"Have you eaten anything? Maybe you should take a break and have a snack…"

"I'm not hungry." He sat down behind the counter; his breathing heavier than before as if just walking over had been a strain. "It's really hot in here. Have you noticed how hot it is?"

"Yami, you really don't look well at all." Yugi worriedly studied his pale face. "I think you should go rest."

"No, I'm fine. It's just…really hot in here. I'll be…" Yami suddenly swayed, catching himself on the counter just in time to prevent himself from falling.

"Yami!" Yugi darted to his side. "Sit still, don't move."

"Don't worry, Yugi." Yami was panting, struggling to sit upright. Yugi felt his forehead; his skin was damp and over-heated.

"Grandpa! Help!"

"What is it, Yugi?" he asked, hurrying in.

"It's Yami, he's really weak, and I think he has a fever."

Sugoroku felt his forehead too. By now Yami wasn't even protesting, just leaning against Yugi with a dull look in his eyes.

"I think you're right. Here, he should lie down for awhile, let's get him to his bed." Together they were able to hold him upright long enough to make it to the back room, where Yami laid down and let them force a thermometer under his tongue without complaint. Apparently he'd come to the realization that he wasn't okay too.

Yugi spread a blanket over him. The thermometer beeped and he snatched it, reading off the temperature. His expression fell. "Thirty-eight point nine…" _That's serious, isn't it? Why was he working, he should have said he didn't feel well and lay down earlier!_

His grandfather could see the panic in his face. "I think we have some medicine left from flu season," he assured him. "I'll go check."

Sugoroku returned with two pills and a cup of water. Yugi helped Yami sit up to swallow the medicine and coaxed him to drink all of the water, except for a little that he saved to dampen the corner of a cloth to wipe his face with.

The bell rang in the shop. "I can take care of him Grandpa, you should work, or else Yami's going to get upset about that too," Yugi said.

"Okay." He left them alone, glancing back once to see Yugi settled cross-legged beside his fallen partner, stroking his hair. It brought a wistful smile to his face. He didn't know when or how Yugi had learned to look at and caress someone so gently, but between this scene and Yugi's outburst at his mother a few days before, he knew the time that every grandfather viewed with both pride and dread had long since arrived. His grandson had grown up. He wasn't a child anymore.

Yugi had no intention of keeping Yami awake; he simply wanted to be near him. Yami, however, seemed to want to talk. "I'm stupid…walking around in rainstorms."

"What? You were out in that rainstorm on Tuesday?"

"Yeah."

Yugi remembered abruptly what else Yami had done during that storm, and struggled to keep his voice light and cheery. "No wonder you caught a cold! I know you didn't sleep well last night, and you've been working yourself to exhaustion down here. It's probably been in you for a few days, just waiting till you were weak."

Yami managed a small smile, but changed the subject. "Yugi, you shouldn't be in here, you might catch this."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"But–"

"Yami, stop talking, you're wearing yourself out. Try to sleep."

"I don't want to sleep."

"But you have to, your body needs rest to fight this off," Yugi replied.

Suddenly Yami started shivering. "Too cold to sleep."

"But a minute ago you said you felt hot."

"I know…but now…it's like ice."

"Then just rest, you don't have to sleep, just lie still and rest." He took Yami's hand. "I'll sit right here and watch over you, okay?"

Yami nodded and stared up at the ceiling, struggling not to give in to exhaustion. The medicine began to work, and his eyelids drooped against his will. Finally he fell asleep, to Yugi's relief. Satisfied that Yami was at last getting rest, Yugi took the opportunity to fetch a deck of cards to keep himself occupied and returned to his side.

After about twenty minutes, Yami mumbled and tossed his head, his eyes still closed. Yugi had expected it; he'd always had vivid dreams when he had fevers too. So he wrapped his hand around Yami's, thinking that it would comfort him.

There was no way Yugi could have imagined what Yami was seeing.

He was younger, back in school again in his gawky, all-legs-and-elbows stage, standing in the familiar halls. Across from him stood a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy his age. Yami beamed at him. "_Shoua!_" he exclaimed, bounding happily forward toward his old friend.

The boy glared back, making Yami falter. "_Shoua? It's…it's me, Yami. Aren't you happy to see me?_"

"_Why would I be happy to see you?_" he snapped. "_You killed me._"

"_No!_" His happiness vanished, replaced by fear as the memories returned.

"_It's too late for 'no.'_"

"_It was an accident!_" Yami pleaded. "_Shoua, you know it was only an accident…if I could go back and change things–_"

"_You won't even take responsibility for your actions! I wonder how long Yugi will last before you kill him too._"

"_No!_" Yami shouted, backing away. "_No, I'm not…I love Yugi, I would never…_"

"_Liar._" He stepped forward as blood bloomed over his clothing and parts of his body seemed to cave in, opening gashes in his skin. Half of his face twisted into a jelly of blood and muscle. Despite it all, he still stumbled forward toward Yami, his remaining eye narrowed in hatred.

Yami moaned in terror, shaking his head, unable to move. "_No…no, Shoua, no…_"

As Shoua's crushed body sank to the ground in a puddle of deep red, Yami felt himself falling. Falling into warm arms…

"Yami?"

It was Yugi, touching his face.

"Yami, it was only a dream caused by the fever."

Yami couldn't speak, too sick, too weak to do anything but tremble and gulp for air. He didn't – and couldn't – tell Yugi what he'd seen, nor explain that the same dream had kept him up the entire night before. Silently he allowed Yugi to lay him back against the bed and swallowed more water when Yugi told him to, but his gaze was far away and scared. Yugi hated the sight and reached out to touch his face, and he closed his eyelids reflexively, along with a small whimper. Eventually his heavy breathing evened out, leaving Yugi to watch him and wonder about the words he'd heard Yami slur in his dream. He hadn't been able to pick much out, but he'd seemed to repeat one mumble an awful lot, and it sounded vaguely like it could be a name. He was reminded of the photo of the brown-haired boy. He still didn't know who he was, either.

He rubbed the back of one of Yami's hands with his thumb and stored it away to think about later. Right now, Yami needed his comfort.

Tapping on the door made him turn around; his grandfather was holding the newspaper. "If you'd like something to read, I'm finished with this."

"Oh, thanks Grandpa," Yugi said, getting up to take it. Over the last few days he had been checking the paper to make sure there were no clues connecting Yami to the murder yet. He'd begun to relax, having seen no information about it so far and that, combined with the stress of Yami getting sick, meant that checking it today had been the last thing on his mind. There were only so many times someone could play solitaire before it got boring though, and he found himself settling back down to read it anyway, turning the pages with one hand while he held Yami's hand with his other. His eyes roamed over the bolded headlines; articles about the schools, taxes, and festivals taking place. Then he turned to the crime log, and felt his heart stop.

_Attack Victim Regains Consciousness_ read the title of the top story. Under it, in smaller letters, was a subheading: "Investigators hope victim Hiroshi Yamada will provide new leads."

Beside him, Yami made a small sound and Yugi realized he was gripping his hand entirely too tightly. He carefully let him go, bracing himself against the floor as he struggled to read the article. It was more unhelpful than anything, mostly re-stating the details of the assault and the possibility of new leads.

_I can't tell Yami_, he thought, closing the paper hard enough to rip it. _He's already weak, if he found out about this too…_

Maybe they were still safe. It didn't say anything about if the man, likely the one whom Ezui had referred to as Hiro, was coherent or not. It just said they hoped. There was no point in worrying now when it may turn out to be nothing.

As if he could convince his gut of that. Worry had been a constant companion these days. Grimly, he wondered if he should start getting used to it.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** I'm not pleased with this chapter. Not at all. =/ Which sucks cause it's kind of, y'know, important. (Thanks to my beta's help I'm a lot happier with it than I was, but I still find myself displeased. ^^;) I see Yugi's dad as being very businesslike, even with this son. He's concerned about the bottom line and if getting rid of Yami would have an adverse effect, he'd let him stay. I don't know WHY I see him that way since we've not given any sort of canon to work off of, but the fact remains the same.

Anyway, _How To Train Your Dragon_ opens this weekend! Who else is excited? *sing songs* BECAUSE I AM!


	15. Chapter 15

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 15  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

Twice more that day Yugi had to wake Yami up from nightmares that made him moan and cry out in fear. Yugi, already seeped in worry from the article, was a nervous wreck by the time the evening rolled around. He knew it was only a cold, most likely the fever would break by the next day, but he was still scared by the nightmares and didn't leave Yami's side except to get more water.

In the evening, when Yami was finally sleeping peacefully for the moment, Yugi's mother arrived on the scene.

"I heard you've been in here all day. Your grandfather said Yami isn't feeling well."

"He has a fever." Yugi was wetting the washcloth again to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

She looked around the cluttered room. "Yugi, Yami's got to move out of here. He can't stay in the stock room like this."

Yugi was shocked. He had thought that them allowing Yami to stay was too good to be true, but to kick him out when he was so ill? "Mom! He's sick, you can't just throw him out in this state! I won't let you!"

Looking almost amused, she replied, "I'm not throwing him out. This stock room is drafty, he's never going to get well if he's in here. Besides, living down here is probably part of what caused this in the first place, it's dusty and unhealthy. When he wakes up, bring him upstairs and he can sleep on the couch, it'll be warmer. Your father is making soup right now, once Yami's more comfortable he can have some. It always helped you when you were sick."

Yugi instantly felt sorry for yelling. "Oh…I'm sorry, Mom. I just…"

"Jumped to conclusions." She nodded.

"I'll bring him up when he wakes up."

"Okay, I'll get a place made up for him on the couch. Might as well give me his bags now too, I'll take them upstairs for him."

Yugi gathered up Yami's things and put them in his bags, watching her leave.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

She just smiled and kept walking.

Beside him, awoken by the heated conversation, Yami opened his eyes. "I think they're warming up to me," he said weakly.

Yugi laughed. "Yeah, I think so."

* * *

Yugi's prediction was correct. By the next day Yami was more alert, and Monday, Valentine's Day, Yugi came home from visiting his friends (chocolate from Anzu, for himself and Yami, in hand) after school to find him working.

"Yami, is it okay for you to be up?" he asked. Yami's face still looked somewhat pale.

"I'm fine." Yami waved his hand.

"That's what you said before, and then you almost passed out!"

"Well, I'm really fine this time." Yami leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "I feel much better. I had the rest of the soup and took my medicine like you told me to, and my temperature's been normal all day."

"Okay. Just take it easy."

"I will. Who's the chocolate for?"

"It's from Anzu, she gave me some for both of us," he said, handing Yami a wrapped bar. "She also said she hopes you feel better soon."

"It looks delicious," Yami said. "Tell her thanks for me if I don't get a chance to." He shifted his weight, suddenly hesitant. "I um…didn't have a chance to get you any candy, being sick and all."

Yugi brightened. "Oh, good. I mean…that's okay, I didn't get you anything either." Relieved that Yami wouldn't be mad that they hadn't exchanged chocolates, he babbled on, "Really, only women are supposed to give out chocolates and I was too embarrassed to go to the store and buy them…"

"Here," Yami interrupted, reaching behind the counter and bringing out a single flower in a plastic water bottle. Yugi's ramble died away.

"Yami?"

"It's just a weed that was growing outside," he mumbled, cheeks reddening. "I wanted to get you something…for everything you've done for me."

Slowly, Yugi took the bottle from him and gazed at the flower. It looked somewhat beat up from growing by the sidewalk, but still strong, resting proudly in its humble vase. He smiled.

Anxiously, Yami asked, "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Careful not to tip the bottle, Yugi wrapped his arms around Yami. "It's perfect, but don't get me anything for White Day. I want to be the one to get you a present for it, okay?"

"But you're not really _supposed_ to give gifts on–"

"Too bad, you're getting a present anyway."

Yami had to laugh. "Okay."

Yugi smiled too, happy to see him acting normal. He'd been watching the papers diligently, and had begun to lose a little of the constant anxiety when he saw that there hadn't been a follow-up article about Hiro. He was starting to convince himself that the police must not have gained any information. The sight of Yami going back to a more lighthearted personality made him feel even better.

But at the same time it was a little disturbing. Yami could seem perfectly fine at times, and then moments later be on the floor with that terrible expression. The nightmares had scared Yugi – he sensed that Yami was reliving something horrible, and they only reminded him that Yami had never even openly admitted to Yugi that he had flashbacks to the earthquake.

Clutching the bottle, he said, "Hey, Yami? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"It's sort of personal."

His eyebrows pulled closer together, but he nodded. "That's okay."

"Have you…always had flashbacks to the earthquake?"

Something in his red eyes darkened and he looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yami…come on, you don't think I really believe that you're overheated or have a migraine or whatever excuse you come up with, do you? You don't have to tell me exactly what you see if you really don't want to. I just want to know if there's anything that's ever helped you not have them…if there's anything I can do to make them not so bad for you."

Yami was silent for a long moment. When he spoke, it was in monotone. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Oh…okay. I understand."

"It's not a big deal."

Yugi nodded, suspecting that it was, in fact, a _huge_ deal, but not wishing to press the point and upset him. So he just said good-bye and headed upstairs to finish up his homework, feeling more worried than ever. He set the bottle with the flower on his desk and gazed at it. The warm happiness it had brought him was crushed.  
_  
Yami has always told me everything…why has that changed?_

_

* * *

_

"So," Yugi said, standing back from helping Yami unfold the couch bed, "now that you're not a walking furnace, do I finally get a chance to join you on your new normal-sized bed?" He asked this tentatively; it had been a few hours since the conversation over the flower and Yugi had decided this was as good a moment as any to see if Yami was out-of-humor with him.

"I don't know, all this space, it depends. Are you going to hog all the covers and scoot over to the edge so that I end up freezing?"

"I wouldn't dream of it," Yugi replied, feeling relieved. If Yami was prepared to tease him back, he couldn't still be angry.

"Then I guess I could begrudge you some room." Yami pretended to give in, then grew serious. "But are you sure it's safe? Sneaking down to my room was one thing, but up here anyone could walk out and catch us. I don't think making out in bed is on your parents' list of approved activities…much less anything more."

Yugi faltered. He'd gotten so used to their secret midnight meetings. "I didn't think of that." He sat down on the edge of the bed. Yami sat down next to him, yawning.

"We'll think of something."

Yugi was quiet awhile longer. He glanced at Yami, hesitating.

_The worst that can happen is he'll just tell me he doesn't want to talk about it, like he did earlier. Yami did say he'd never get upset over an innocent question._

"Yami, I know I already asked you one personal question today, but can I ask another?"

"Sure."

"Who is Shoua?"

Within a split second, Yami shot to his feet, whirled around, and demanded, his eyes wide, "How do you know that name? Who told you it?"

Yugi shrank back in fear, staring at him. "I…you were saying it before, when you were having nightmares during your fever. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by asking, I was just curious…"

Yami's expression softened. "…Oh."

Yugi still looked stunned. Yami bit his lip. "Yugi…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have shouted. Shoua…was someone I knew. A long time ago. It…was just a shock to hear his name out of the blue like that."

"Oh…okay. That's okay." Yugi said quickly.

"I'm sorry for shouting. I really am."

"It's alright." But Yugi's heart was still pounding. There was no way he was about to ask if Shoua was the boy in the picture he'd found now.

Yami sat back down slowly. For a long moment they both sat rigidly, nervously, until Yami finally put his arms around Yugi, resting his head on his shoulder. His embrace was strangely sad. "Yugi, promise me something."

"What is it?"

"Don't go away."

"I'm not going anywhere," Yugi replied, trying to keep his tone light. "Except back to my room in a few minutes."

"I mean don't…don't go away and not come back," Yami whispered.

Yugi understood. He put his arms back around him and hugged him tightly, protectively. His mind drifted back to the newspaper article and the invisible threat it brought, and he hugged him even tighter. "I won't. For you, I'll always come back. But you have to promise me something too."

"Whatever you want."

"You're not allowed to go away either, okay?"

Yami smiled a little. "I promise, I won't." He kissed Yugi's forehead and leaned back into him again.

A few long moments later, (and after Yugi's father came through the room and gave them a look) Yugi got up. "I ought to get to bed. And you should too, I know you haven't slept well with that fever."

"True." Yami got up with him to give him one last kiss. His movements still felt strained, so Yugi, hoping to set the mood back at a normal pace, suggested,

"Perhaps if I can't sleep though, I could come and snuggle with you?"

Yami smiled more, any trace of past anger gone from his face. "I'd like that."

An hour later, as the rest of Yugi's family fell asleep, a small, dark figure tiptoed down the hall and slid under the blankets on the couch. Yugi snuggled up close to Yami's warm body, feeling Yami close his arms over him. There was no fear, no hesitation, no anxiety.

For just a moment, all was right in the world.

* * *

Yami was back in that construction yard again.

Not heading any particular direction, just walking and letting his guilt torment him.

Hearing familiar voices to his left…

_"I can't believe this bruise isn't gone yet."_

_"You got off lucky. My leg's still fucked up, damn kid had a strong kick. Must have learned it from Atemu."_

_"This is fucking pathetic, a little rich kid getting the better of us."  
_  
The sound of their voices and the sight of the men who had ruined his life caused rage to bubble up in Yami's throat. They rested upon the foundation of what would someday be an apartment building and compared injuries, passing a bottle between them. The more seconds that passed, the more pressure built up behind Yami's eyes.

Yugi was lying injured in bed. Yami was forced to run from memories. But these men were still _free_. A few bruises weren't punishment enough. They were not bound or poisoned by guilt or remorse…

_They hurt Yugi and they suffer nothing._

He wasn't aware of grabbing a tattered bandana, probably left by the workers, and wrapping it around his hand. He barely registered picking up the rebar. He felt its weight against his palm.

_They brought back those memories, they destroyed everything…_

He took another step. Overhead, a storm was moving in.

_They hurt him._

He knew they must have said something…someone must have shouted, cursed, _something_. There were six of them, they must have tried to fight. But he heard nothing except his own breathing and own heart, and felt nothing but the weight of the weapon, swinging the rebar at the nearest man, striking again and again, not aiming, not stopping. The tightness in his chest released itself with each strike, relief replacing the stress and the momentary pleasure of relief urged him to keep swinging. He felt warm blood splatter back towards him, droplets sticking to his arms. No matter, the gathering rain clouds meant it would wash away, along with his footprints.

At last they were all immobile. Except Ezui, he was still moving. Yami saw him from the corner of his eye.

Ezui…the one who started it all.

He raised the rebar and turned toward the hated man, holding his weapon up, about to plunge it down toward his head.

Except it wasn't Ezui.

Instead, Yugi lay there on the ground in front of him, blood running from open wounds on his legs and shoulder, dripping between his fingers as he tried to hold the largest wound shut. He looked up at Yami with a mix of hurt and betrayal in his eyes.

"Yugi–"

The rebar fell to the ground with a loud clang.

"Yugi, no…I never meant…"

Yugi just looked at him.

"You weren't supposed to be hurt, you weren't supposed to be here!"

The soft purple eyes were burning into him. Blood was running down Yugi's face, as if pouring from an invisible wound in his head.

"Yugi!" His breath seized up. "_No_!"

He felt a sudden tightness in his shoulders and someone was calling his name in the distance, but he tried to fight it off.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed, dropping to his knees. "You weren't supposed to be hurt, I didn't mean for this…Yugi, talk to me, say something, please!"

Yugi looked up at him, a nightmarish image of blood and fear and pain. His eyes flickered with anger for a moment and then began to go dull as his body went limp.

"Yugi! _Yugi_!"

"Yami! Wake up! Wake up, please!"

That tightness on his shoulders was growing and the scene was going foggy. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling sick, and when he opened them he found himself face-to-face with Yugi.

There was no blood anywhere. It was dark out. They were inside a house, not at a construction site. His skin was chilled with sweat and somebody was holding onto his shoulders. Lights were flicking on around him, blinding him. There was the murmur of confused and concerned voices in the background.

"Yami?" Yugi whispered.

Yami stared up at him for a long moment.

"Yami, it's me."

"Yugi…I'm sorry…" Yami threw himself forward against him, heaving with sobs. "I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm so sorry…" Trembling, he clung to Yugi as if he was drowning. "Y-Yugi…that wasn't supposed to happen, I'm sorry…"

"Shh, Yami, it's okay. It was only a dream."

It didn't seem to comfort him at all, he only shook harder. Yugi didn't know what to do. He wasn't coherent and Yugi had no idea what he was talking about. He didn't know what happened in the dream or why it had affected Yami so badly; he'd been awoken by his mumbles and jerking only moments before, just in time to get up and kneel over Yami as if he had just arrived on the scene before his family showed up, themselves alerted by the few loud cries he'd released before waking.

"Yami, it's okay, you're okay and I'm okay…shh…" He enfolded his shaking partner in a tight embrace and finally just held him steady.

Yugi's family just watched silently, curiously. After a few moments they drifted away, still casting back glances. Yugi had a feeling there would be questions in the morning.

But right now he had bigger concerns.

_"He hides under a calm, steady outside…"_

Yugi remembered clearly Yami's mother explaining this to him only days before. Even at the time Yugi found it confusing. He understood that Yami had to keep a lot of emotions hidden, but he'd always gotten the impression that quiet steadiness was actually _part _of him, it wasn't just an act. And that maybe, if things had been different, Yami never would have developed the need to use it as a cover, because it would be the way he was naturally.

Looking down at the shaking, sobbing young man in his arms now, Yugi realized that Yami hadn't had his usual calm, be it a façade or natural, in days. Not since Yugi had been hurt. Even at the times Yami was happy, his eyes were lacking something. He didn't seem to want to discuss anything and his emotions seemed to explode out of him now in dangerous bursts, barely held back. That wasn't the way he usually acted.

Yugi felt a pang of cold fear, deep down inside.

Yami was falling apart.

* * *

In the hospital, two days before Yami's midnight outburst and just as the paper had reported, Hiroshi Yamada had woken up from a week-long unconscious state after the attack. He was the third of the group to regain consciousness, and probably the last. Of the five original survivors, one had died a few days earlier, another had gone into a non-responsive state, and the other two were alive in varying states of disability. He was the lucky one.

Monday afternoon, while he was watching a baseball game on television, a police officer came to see him.  
"Yamada-san?"

"Yeah?" he said, eyes riveted on the game.

"I'm officer Seidai with the metropolitan police. I'm sorry to interrupt your rest, but I need to ask you some questions about the attack."

"Shoot."

Seidai settled himself on a plastic folding chair beside the bed, pen poised over a notebook. "Do you remember anything about your attacker?"

Hiro looked away, furrowing his eyebrows and wincing. "I don't think I'll be much help. My memories of it are just a big blur. I remember seeing someone, but…I dunno, I think he was short." Mumbling to himself now: "The hair was familiar."

"Short's a start," the officer said hopefully. "Anything would be helpful. A description, a name…" He didn't mention fearing the wrath of his superior, or the reduced chances of ever solving the crime if they didn't get a decent lead soon. The two other victims had been very little help; one of them didn't remember anything about _himself_, much less the assault, and the other could only remember the weapon. Hiro was their last shot.

"A name?"

"We have reason to suspect the attacker knew you. Is there anyone you know who had a grudge against you or Sasaki-san?"

"Some people…a lot of other drifters I guess…" Suddenly he sat bolt upright, or tried to. Pain forced him back down as he gasping, "_Yami_."

"Yami?"

"Yami At…At something."

"Who is he?"

"He's a kid…probably late teens, has punked-out hair and creepy eyes. Used to be like us, but he got a job and a boyfriend and shit so I don't know where he's staying now. It was him. Can't forget those eyes."

"A kid?" Seidai asked doubtfully, mentally tallying up the injuries of the six men. A kid, even with a piece of thick rebar, doing that kind of damage and getting away seemed unlikely. "What do you mean, 'like you?' He is also homeless?"

"Was. Quite awhile too, but not anymore."

That did make a little more sense. Anyone who grew up as a vagrant would learn how to fight and the drunks probably hadn't been the most intimidating challenge. Seidai frowned at his notebook, in thought.

"You say he's no longer homeless though? He's living with someone?"

"Yeah." Hiro scowled. "Thinks he's so much better than the rest of us all because he got a job and a place to live with this brat kid he started dating. I never liked him…Atemu! That's his last name. His mom was a whore around here awhile back, you guys picked her up." He paused again, then sagged back against the bed and shrugged. "That's all I got. Can I get back to my game?"

"Yes, thank you for your cooperation," Seidai replied, writing down the details. He was particularly pleased to know the suspect's mother had a record. Finding him had just gotten a whole lot easier. "We'll check it out."

Outside the room, his superior was waiting. "Well?"

"He doesn't remember much of the attack itself, but he's accused a young man named Yami Atemu," Seidai reported, cringing as the superintendent glared.

"A young man? How young are we talking here?"

"Late teens."

"Is that some sort of joke?"

"No sir, he meant it. And if the young man in question was a vagrant for long, it's not impossible that he knows his way around a fight."

"Great." Superintendent Daisuke Ito began pacing. He wasn't sure if arresting a teenager based on the testimony of someone with spotty memory was better or worse than making no arrest at all. The prosecutor would be extremely displeased if this was the only evidence they could find. But having a suspect in custody would be better than constantly telling jeering reporters that no, they _still_ didn't have any leads. "Seidai," he said, turning. "I want you to track down this Yami Atemu. Apply for a warrant and bring him into custody."

"But we haven't even checked if he has an alibi–"

"He's a suspect in the unprovoked murder of two and assault of four others. If he did it, he has probably seen the papers and knows that Yamada-san is awake and talking. We have to catch him before he leaves town. If he's innocent, no harm done. Now get that warrant and get moving."

Seidai bowed his head. "Yes sir."

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** It feels like it's been an awfully long time since I updated. xD Which...I guess it was almost a month ago, so it kind of has been longer than normal. I wish I could break the mini-hiatus with a very exciting, well-written chapter, but I feel rather blah about this one. Even if it does hold several clues to future things and is therefore very important. I'm rather concerned about a friend right now, so it's tough to feel all that confident about a fic. =( I do think 16 really picks up the pace again though.

I found myself wondering if the police would use notebooks or recorders...then decided that since this is a Yugioh fic, it's obviously being set in the 1990's, when I think notebooks could still be used. So yeah.


	16. Chapter 16

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 16  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

"Eve Atemu?" the police officer standing on the doorstep asked. Another man in plain clothes stood behind him, but he carried himself with the unmistakable air of law enforcement. Eve had seen enough officers in jail to know the stance.

She stared back warily. "Yes, can I help you?"

The uniformed officer held up his identification. "I am Officer Juro Seidai. We're looking for your son."

"Why?" she asked, instantly defensive.

"Ma'am, please, just tell us if you know where he is," the plainclothes man cut in, looking somewhat haggard. On their way out of the office a cub reporter had tailed them from the building to the car, firing off question after question about why they couldn't keep the streets safe. It had been the longest twenty yards Superintendent Ito had ever walked, and knowing that they were going to arrest a man without any physical evidence tying him to the crime did nothing to help his mood. An arrest would shut the reporters up for awhile, but unless they found evidence and _fast_…

And now the suspect's mother had to go and play Mama Bear. Ito was at the end of his patience, and it wasn't even eight o'clock yet.

"He doesn't live here," Eve finally answered. "He lives with the Mutous. I believe they're listed under Sugoroku. Is Yami in some sort of trouble?"

Seidai flipped open his notebook, scribbling it down. Ito spoke over his shoulder. "Thank you, we'll be in touch soon."

"Wait, you haven't told me why you're looking for Yami–"

"I promise, we'll be in touch as soon as possible and will explain everything," the officer said, turning. "Thank you for your help."

Eve closed the door and was halfway to the phone before she wondered if she was walking into a trap. Wouldn't a phone call placed to the Mutous immediately after meeting an officer looking for Yami be suspicious? She pulled her hand away and turned before pausing again. Any concerned mother would call her son if the police were looking for him. Perhaps not calling would arouse even more suspicions.

She took a deep breath, weighed her options, and picked up the phone.

* * *

In the Game Shop, the store phone rang. Sugoroku grumbled to himself, "Lazy people can't even bother themselves to read our ad and know that we're not open till eight…agh!" He had just dropped a box he was attempting to balance while reaching for the phone.

"I've got it Grandpa!" Yugi called, jogging down the stairs. "Yami's washing up, I'll take it."

"Thank you, tell them we're closed," His grandfather replied, wincing. "And that we're never open for people rude enough to call before eight o'clock in the morning," he muttered darkly, massaging the foot that he'd dropped the box on.

Yugi gave him a reproachful look before answering. "Hello, Kame Game Shop, I'm sorry but we're closed right now–"

"Yugi?" A woman's voice returned, cutting off his recital. Yugi frowned at the receiver.

"Eve?"

"Why are you answering the phone? I thought Yami lived downstairs."

"He did, he's just upstairs right now. What's up?"

She chose her words carefully. "Two police officers were just here looking for Yami. Do you have any idea why?"

Within a second, Yugi's thought pattern went:_ Police officers? But she knows what he's– oh she's faking confusion in case anyone is listening– the police are after Yami?_

"I– I have no idea why," he managed to say. "He's either been here or with you for the past couple months; I don't know what he could have done to make the police want him. Did the officers say why?"

"No, just that they would be contacting me shortly."

She was doing well keeping up the charade of a concerned mother, but Yugi couldn't think of anything to say back, too busy worrying about what this might mean. Yami was on shaky enough ground as it was, if the police pressure got to be too much, he was liable to crack and confess. And once he was arrested…who knew what would happen to him? A jail, a mental hospital, or even worse possibilities beckoned.

"Yugi?"

"I'm sorry…I was just thinking. Thanks for telling me, but it must be a misunderstanding."

"It's fine. I just thought you should know."

There was another awkward pause, during which Yugi briefly considered trying to find a way to tell Eve about Yami's unusual behavior. Perhaps she could advise him on what to do to keep him calm while the police talked to him. He changed his mind before he could speak. It was too risky, and she was worried enough. Besides, right now the important thing would be to warn Yami. He could only hope Yami would know enough to keep himself calm.

"Thank you for calling," he said faintly. "If I find out anything about what this is about, I'll let you know."

"I'd appreciate that. Good bye, Yugi."

"Bye." He walked back to the desk and hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" His grandfather asked.

"It was Eve," he said, walking back toward the stairs. "An officer was at her house looking for Yami and wouldn't say why. I have to go tell him."

Before Sugoroku could ask more questions, Yugi had vanished up the stairs. He paused in the hall, leaned against the wall and felt his chest tighten as he let the reality of the situation sink in. The police were asking about Yami. During the last week, he'd fallen into a sense of security that Yami had committed the perfect crime. He had gotten away with it; by now any physical clues would be gone…he had finally begun to stop worrying. He should have realized that just because the papers hadn't reported it, that hadn't meant Hiro hadn't given up Yami's name. His breath shook.

"Yugi?"

His eyes flew open and he straightened up to see Yami walking toward him. He struggled for composure. "Yami, there was–"

"Was what? What's going on?"

Downstairs, someone pounded on the private entrance door. Yugi stiffened. Yami switched direction midstride, heading for the stairs. "We should probably answer that," he said.

"No," Yugi said, throwing out his arm to stop him.

"Yugi, what is going on with you?" he asked, baffled.

The person at the door knocked again. "Police!" a distant voice shouted.

Yami went pale and looked at Yugi, asking the question with his eyes. Yugi nodded. And yet, in the midst of the panic, he struggled to think of something positive to say. "They're probably just going to ask questions," he said. "So just…stay calm and–"

The knocking grew louder and more violent. "This is the police!"

"_What_ on Earth is going on out here?" Yugi's father asked, clomping into the hall irritably. "Do neither of you know how to answer a door?"

Yami shrank back into the living room. Yugi followed. Mr. Mutou sighed and went to open the door. "I'm terribly sorry officers," he said. "Can I help you?"

"We're looking for Yami Atemu. We were told he lives here," said the uniformed officer.

"Yes, come in. What exactly is this about?"

"I'll explain in a moment, sir."

Their voices carried up the stairs to the kitchen, where Yami had taken shelter. He cowered against the sink. "I don't want to go to jail," he whispered hoarsely. Yugi reached for his hand.

"I'm sure they just want to ask a few questions," Yugi soothed, finding it easier to stay calm now that doing so was necessary.

"But I can't– they'll know, I'll freak out, I'll act suspicious–" He struggled to hold back panic. "I don't want to be arrested–"

"They can't arrest you on _nervousness_."

"Yami!" Yugi's father called as he led the officers into the living room. Yami tried to take a deep breath, but he choked halfway through, setting off a chain of smaller gasps. Yugi hugged him, as much to calm Yami as to calm himself. "It'll be okay," he murmured, squeezing his hand. Yami caught his breath, nodded and walked out of the kitchen.

"Hello offi–" He went silent as the officer nearest to him, one hand on his gun, pulled out a pair of handcuffs. Within seconds he passed Yami on his left, grabbed his arm, forced it behind him into the first cuff, and cinched the second cuff around his other wrist.

"Hey, what are you–?" Yami demanded, struggling, panic flashing across his face.

"Yami Atemu, you are under arrest on suspicion of murder," said the plainclothes officer. "You will be informed of the full charges and your rights once you are detained."

"What?" Yami asked, his mouth going dry.

"Kazuki, what's going on– why are the police here?" Yugi's mother asked, interrupting herself as she walked into the room and took in the scene.

"Yami is…being arrested," he replied, looking dazed.

"No!" Yugi burst in from the kitchen. "This is a mistake, Yami didn't do anything–"

"Would everyone please remain calm?" The man in plainclothes interrupted. "To begin with, we will need to interview each of you, so if you have plans, change them. Seidai, I'll take Atemu, you question these people."

"Yes sir."

"Let's go," Ito said, taking Yami by the arm. Yami stopped struggling and let himself be pulled along without complaint. The only time he lifted his head was to look back at Yugi, his eyes wide and terrified. His lips moved, silently forming words:_ Help me._

Yugi had to look away, unable to handle seeing his pleading expression. He couldn't do anything. The situation had spiraled out of his hands long ago. He heard the officer who had been referred to as Seidai ask his father, "How long has Atemu-san been living in your home?"

By the time Yugi looked back up, Yami was gone.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **This chapter is ridiculously short, but it wasn't the sort of thing that could be merged into another chapter. *cackles gleefully* Cliffhangers are fun!

Happy Mother's Day! Make sure to give your mom props, you never know when you might need an alibi for something.


	17. Chapter 17

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 17  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

"You are a suspect in the murders of Ezui Sasaki and Takeshi Fujita, as well as the assault and attempted murders of Jiro Kawakami, Kenji Ueda, Yoshio Nakajima and Hiroshi Yamada. You have the right to remain silent and to hire a lawyer of your own expense. If a detention order is issued and you do not have the resources to afford a lawyer you have the right to a court-appointed attorney. If you are interested in a court-appointed attorney, you should inform us, the prosecutor, or the judge immediately." Superintendent Ito folded his hands after his recitation and gave Yami a long look across the table. "You will be questioned later today. I strongly urge you to consider your plea. As I'm sure you know, given your mother's history, pleading guilty and showing remorse for the crime will likely lessen your sentence. You will go with us before a public prosecutor tomorrow to present evidence. Is this all understood?"

Yami shivered under the thin prison uniform he'd been given. His gaze darted around the small room. "I…" he said faintly. "I…yes, I mean. Yes. I understand."

"Very well. A guard will take you to your cell."

Stiffly, Yami stood up. The guard outside the sparse questioning room opened the door and beckoned him forward. He was led along a narrow hallway, out onto another hallway of cells. The guard unlocked his handcuffs as the door of the nearest slid open. Yami stared inside.

_I can't go in there._

He took a step back. The guard's hand went to his gun. "Stop," he warned.

Yami took another step back.

"I said don't move!" the guard barked, pulling his gun from its holster. Yami cowered at the shout, his eyes wide and moist.

"I– I'm sorry–"

His plea got him nowhere. The guard grabbed Yami's arm and yanked him forward. Yami released a cry as the walls were forced toward him and unconsciously he struggled.

"Is there a problem already?" Ito demanded from around the corner, hearing the commotion.

"Sort of sir, he won't go in the cell–"

"No," Yami pleaded. "I can't go in there, _I can't_."

But he was weak. It took only a moment for the guard to grab his other arm, yank him off balance, and force him into the cell.

Reeling, Yami stumbled backwards away from the wall, only to meet another.

"No, _no_," he gasped, covering his face with his hands.

Deep in his mind his last defense, his last barrier against the madness he knew existed in him, was cracking.

The cell door slammed.

The world around him crumpled away in a haze of dust and debris.

Somewhere, people were screaming for help.

Yami dropped to the floor. His hands slowly clenched, his nails digging into his forehead.

"Is there something wrong with him?" The guard asked, watching him mumble to himself. "Should we send him to the medical ward, sir?"

"No. If being in a cell affects him so badly, maybe he'll crack and confess," Ito said. "It doesn't matter if he's sane or not, what matters is if we can tie him to the crime." He sighed. "It would sure make our jobs easier."

Yami couldn't hear them. The screams were too loud.

* * *

When Yugi finally arrived at school that afternoon, he could feel his friends' eyes on him during class. They weren't the only ones giving him curious looks and he kept his head down for most of the class. He could only imagine how he must look – especially if he appeared as dazed as he felt.

The moment the teacher dismissed the class for break, they hurried to his desk, bubbling over with questions. "Where were you this morning!"

Yugi shoved his notebook in his bag. "At home."

"You look awful, are you okay?" Anzu said, eyeing his pale face worriedly. "Did you catch the cold Yami had?"

"No, I'm not sick. I'm okay, really, don't worry. I need to go talk to Kannagi-sensei about what I missed in class–"

Jounouchi held out his arm, blocking his way. "Yug…what's going on?"

Of course his half-assed answers weren't going to work on them. Part of Yugi wondered why he had even tried. Perhaps it had been a lame attempt to force himself to believe it would be fine.

"I was at home, talking to the police," he answered. His friends gaped at him.

"What happened?"

"Was the store robbed? Is your family okay?"

Yugi glanced around, under the guise of making sure the room was empty. He couldn't meet their eyes when he said the words. "They were there to arrest Yami."

He could practically hear their thoughts, but to their credit none of them said any of the less-than-kind things.

"Why?" asked Honda.

"He's a suspect. I don't want to talk about it," Yugi said, and pushed by them while they were still off-guard. In the hall, he broke into a run before they could corner him again.

When school let out that afternoon, Yugi snuck up the stairs to the school roof and peered down at the courtyard. Sure enough, his friends were grouped around the exit, no doubt waiting for him after he'd managed to evade them the rest of the day.

It made him smile sadly through the chain link fencing. It was nice that they cared. If only that could actually make a difference.

He turned and slid down behind the concrete lower fence, out of sight. He didn't feel like going home or seeing anyone. He didn't feel like doing _anything_. He had briefly considered going to the jail and begging them to let him speak to Yami, but even if by some miracle they let him, what would he say? "I'm sorry you got arrested for a crime you committed?" And any kind of encouragement would only make the police suspicious. He would be better off staying quiet and hoping that Eve's alibi for Yami held.

Yugi propped his chin glumly in his hands. A few months ago he never would have believed he'd be trying to protect a murderer. He never could have foreseen himself lying to the police, to his parents, to his friends…

_Maybe Yami _is_ a bad influence._

He'd been offended when his mother first suggested it, but now he thought she might have a point. Why else would he be condoning a sin and protecting a criminal, if he hadn't been influenced to? If he had never met Yami and one of his friends had committed murder, would he be trying to protect them? His first thought was that yes, he would. Then he wondered if he wasn't just thinking that to give himself an excuse to protect Yami now. _Then_ he wondered if maybe there was some violent part of him which didn't mind killing that he wasn't aware of until now, considering how flippantly he was dismissing the idea.

"Ugh…" He squeezed his eyes shut. It was hell, second-guessing his own second-guesses. Was it possible to third-guess oneself?

_I thought the fact that he didn't plan it and didn't intend to hurt them made it okay. Maybe I just wanted a reason for it to be okay. I wanted a reason to protect him._

Now he _wanted_ to be angry. He wanted to be upset. It might hurt less if he believed that jail would atone for Yami's crimes and would make him a better person. It was called 'criminal justice,' there was 'justice' right in the name. So in the end this was the right path. It would be a comforting thing to believe in. He wished he could.

"Yugi?"

He straightened up to the sound of Anzu's voice and saw her walking across the roof toward him.

"Hi Anzu."

"I thought I'd find you up here. When you didn't come out of school I figured you were hiding."

"You know me too well," Yugi mumbled.

"Jounouchi and Honda wanted to come up, but I figured I should stop them. They're not exactly tactful sometimes."

"They mean well," Yugi said, for lack of anything better.

"Yes, they do," she said, settling herself beside him. "So, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

Anzu half-turned toward him. Her tone grew slightly more matter-of-fact. "If you think we're just going to ignore the fact that you're upset and moping and that something heavy is going on in your life, then you clearly don't know us as well as you should."

"I know you won't ignore it," Yugi said, smiling despite himself. "That means a lot to me, Anzu. You guys are great, but this is something you can't fix. Yami's in jail, nothing's going to fix that."

"What are they saying he did?"

"They said that he– that he killed some people," he said quietly.

Anzu didn't answer for a few minutes, but Yugi preferred the silence to the accusations he'd suspected that they wanted to make earlier. _"We knew he was no good. We warned you he was dangerous."_ Yugi didn't want to hear it.

"Who?" Anzu finally asked.

"Some men he knew. They were homeless too; they used to come and harass him. They were attacked. One of the survivors gave up Yami's name."

"The same people who you fought with?"

"No." It was the same lie he'd told his parents. He'd figured it was the safest answer. If they connected the fight with Yugi to the murders, it would give Yami an extra motive. That was the last thing he needed. The lie wasn't so far-fetched; even if the survivor who had given up Yami's name mentioned the fight, it would be Yugi's word against his and the fight motive would just be dismissed.

"Do you think he did it?" Anzu asked.

Slowly, Yugi shook his head. "Yami's not a murderer," he said softly. "He's not."

She waited, but he didn't say any more. So she straightened up and said, "Then it will be okay. If he didn't do it, then there won't be any evidence."

"He must be terrified," Yugi said, his voice suddenly shaking. "It must be awful for him, to be locked up, to be unable to get out."

"He'll be okay." She patted his shoulder. "What I want to know is if _you'll_ be okay. You look like you're about to collapse."

Yugi nodded. "I will be. I…I think I'm still just in shock, that's all. It was only just this morning. I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Can I tell Jounouchi and Honda?"

"Sure. Just…tell them I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, because I don't really know anything else."

"I'll do that." She got to her feet. "Thank you for telling me."

"Thank you for caring," he replied, managing a smile for her. The moment she turned to leave it vanished.

Murderer or not, he'd told her the truth. Yami _must_ be terrified. He had already been having nightmares and anxiety attacks. He was as stressed out as Yugi had ever seen him, and now he was locked somewhere, with the possibility of being locked in there for the rest of his life. If simply entering a diner to meet Yugi's friends had set him off, what would a jail cell do? And if they found him insane…well, an asylum wouldn't be much better. Yugi had read about criminal asylums and the people in them and shuddered to think of Yami someplace like that.

_Yami's sick, _he thought. _But jail isn't going to heal him. It would be torture, not justice. He's already punishing himself in his mind. What's done is done, it can't be taken away. At least out here he can try to be a good person and make amends._

He knew all his rationalizations were just a bunch of excuses, but they made him feel better about what he was doing. It was no worse than continuously doubting his own thoughts and sanity.

For now, they were all he had.

* * *

Yami was drifting someplace between the present and the past. With every blink the jail cell changed. One moment he was in the crumbling school, the next in a ratty one-room apartment, the next back in the cell but surrounded by ghosts clawing at him. He finally covered his eyes, whimpering, trying to block out the images, but his brain forced them upon himself anyway, flashing inside his eyelids.

The classroom, their house, Shoua, the field of the dead, his parents, Yugi…

Through the confusion he heard a clang as the door opened. Someone yanked him to his feet by his arm. Relief at being freed from the cell flooded through him.

"This way," the guard said, cuffing him and pulling him down the hall. Yami looked up in time to see the inside of the same interrogation room as before. An official he hadn't met yet, this one dressed in a clean but well-worn jacket rather than a uniform or crisp suit, sat on one side of the table. Yami was seated on the other side. This time the room didn't seem so threatening…anything was better than the cell. The man across from him, however, worried him. He had a sharp, unfriendly face.

His thoughts raced, each one interrupting the next. _What should I tell them? Should I refuse to say anything? Should I just give them the alibi? Should I try not to make it too perfect? Would that be too suspicious? Should I wait until he asks or try to explain right away?_

The man across the table introduced himself as detective Ren Koga. Yami steeled himself, waiting for the questions to begin. Instead, the detective leaned forward and said, "You have undoubtedly already been urged to plead guilty. I now urge you to listen to those whom told you. Showing no remorse will only make things worse for you. You've killed two people and permanently disabled four others. The judge could easily make this a capital trial."

Yami could feel himself going pale. He was ready for questions, not _threats_.

The detective's voice grew more encouraging. "Take this chance to unburden yourself with the stress of your crime. Show remorse, confess, and you may even be able to avoid a life sentence. We understand these men were not well-liked and have testimony from other vagrants that they used to harass you. The defense might even be able to find a sympathetic spin on the case. You may only see fifteen to twenty years."

_Years._

A single morning in a jail cell had sent him into madness. What would years in one bring?

It was that detail that clinched his decision to lie. During his moments of clarity, Yami had considered confessing. He had thought that maybe Yugi was wrong. Maybe they _did_ have evidence. The detective certainly seemed confident. At least if he confessed they might not kill him. Now his moment of uncertainty had passed – above all else, he feared memories more than death.

"I didn't do it," he mumbled. "I didn't–"

Detective Koga scowled and slammed his hand down on the table, changing tactics from friendly to harsh instantly. Yami cringed and shied away.

"You _did_ do it," Koga accused. "And if you refuse to admit it the consequences will be much more than they need to be."

"But I d-didn't– I have an alibi–"

"Stop bullshitting and just admit the truth. The more lies you tell the more unfavorably the judge will look at you. Your defense is worthless, the testimony of a family member is useless as an alibi."

His eyes brimming with tears, Yami choked, "No, I didn't, I'm not l-lying–"

"You're lying! If you continue to lie then you'll be the only one to blame when you're standing with the hangman's noose around your neck!"

Yami shrank back in his chair, staring up at the detective in terror. "Stop it," he pleaded. "Stop yelling, please–"

"Not until you confess!"

Yami raised his cuffed hands to his face and clamped his fingers over his ears. "No, I didn't do it! Just…just ask your questions, stop threatening me–"

The detective yanked his hands away, unconcerned by Yami's feeble struggles. "I can sit here and tell you to confess all day if I have to. We don't have to waste this time or bother with questions. I've heard that you seem to hate small rooms. We can get out of this room if you confess. I'll even try to find a larger cell for you. The longer you hold out, the more you lie, the longer you'll spend in here. I'll find the tiniest cell we have and have them lock you in it for a very long time if you don't plead guilty."

"Stop!" Yami sobbed. "Leave me alone, stop yelling– I didn't d-do anything, let me go!"

"Confess, and I will!"

The shouting had only served to set the ghosts shrieking inside his head again. In tears, he shook, deafened by yelling coming from all directions. He could shut them all up by confessing. He could get out of this room, he could get away to someplace quiet…

It had been a long day, and he was tired, and his strength was gone. The only thing he had to hold him together was knowing the consequences for the people who had protected him if he was convicted. His mother would go back to jail for faking an alibi for him and Yugi…undoubtedly he would be punished by his family for defending someone they had warned him against. He would lose Yugi if he was convicted. Nobody would wait fifteen years for someone who would be raving mad by the time he was released.

Giving in meant letting down the only family he had left and losing the only person who refused to let him go. He'd thought that could give him the strength to lie.

Now he wasn't sure if that would be enough.

* * *

**Notes: **Alright FF dot net. You win. I'm putting in horizontal dividers between sections. Are you happy now? (I'm probably going to have to go back and edit every chapter now, aren't I?) Seriously though, what the hell is wrong with letting us have a simple three-hyphen divider if we want? You have to go and take that away from us too? Do you WANT us to wall-o-text our poor readers with no way to break up scenes? Arrraghhhh.

I sort of love this chapter in a sadistic evil way. I sort of love where this storyline is going in a sadistic evil way. I think, when it comes to Yami!angst, I'm just…really sadistic and evil. Yep.

Writing this has also made me realize (once again) how badly I bungled up police work in every single other fic I've written. Forgive me, Japanese law enforcement, for not doing the research before. I was a lazy noob…sadly, that's the only excuse I have. D= It is my hope that the research I did for this one will, in some way, make up for my impertinence before. Although the research all came up less-than-favorably for the enforcement. Apparently Yami's _lucky_ that he's just being yelled at.

Happy Memorial Day!


	18. Chapter 18

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 18  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.**  
**

* * *

Yami's eyes flew open. Gasping, he lifted himself from the floor of his cell and looked around. It was late. The jail was eerily quiet. Deep shadows from security lights left pits of darkness in the corners.

_Just a dream.__  
_  
He shivered. The chill from the cement had crept into his clothing and body while he'd been asleep. Slowly he got to his knees long enough to crawl to the thin bed and curl upon it.

He didn't remember falling asleep. The last thing he recalled was being deposited in a trembling, sobbing heap on the floor of the cell. At some point exhaustion must have overrode everything else. And with it came the same old nightmares. Except this time new voices echoed in the background, taunting him, questioning if Yugi would still love him if he spent the rest of his life in jail.

It was all that damn detective's fault. He had been the one who suggested that Yami would lose the people who cared about him if he was in jail for too long.

That interrogation had lasted for hours. Detective Koga had wheedled, faked sympathy and nearly exploded with anger. He'd fired question after question at Yami about where he was that afternoon and why. He made threats, shouted, even kicked the table and Yami's chair a few times. Upon discovering that loud noises unsettled his victim, he'd taken to slamming his palm against the table. He'd systematically hit every weak point he could find, sending Yami into deeper hysterics. Two hours into it and Yami had begun to stop hearing what Koga was even saying. A few more hours in and he'd begun to stop hearing _himself_. Several times he was sure he was no longer even in the room; there was no chance of coming up with a well-articulated argument. He could only cower and say_ "I didn't do it!"_ over and over.

Still, one small spark of satisfaction burned. He hadn't confessed.

He rolled onto his side and stared at the blank gray wall. His fists clenched. They could break him. They could reduce him to a weeping, insane shell. Hell, they could even torture him if they wanted to, but if they wanted to convict him they would have to find evidence on their own.  
_  
__I'm not letting Mom or Yugi get in trouble over me. I won't._

With only that small victory to comfort him, Yami pressed his back against the wall and covered his face with his arms. Whether he fell asleep again or was simply wrapped up in thoughts, he didn't know. When he finally pulled himself back to the present and sat up the lights were all back on. The cellblock was still somewhat quiet, as most of the prisoners had been released to breakfast. Fifteen minutes later, a guard brought Yami his own tray.

"Eat quickly," she said, thrusting it at him. "Your meeting is at nine-thirty."

"Meeting?" Yami croaked, clutching the food.

"With the prosecutor." She held out a folded pile of familiar clothing. Yami didn't take it, unable to trust himself to hold the tray steady with only one hand. "Your clothes. Eat and get dressed, we leave in ten minutes."

His stomach was too knotted to eat and protested at the mere thought of accepting anything, even water, despite the dryness of his mouth. He put the food aside and picked up his clothes, which she had dumped on the floor. The simple act of changing tired him to the point that the room spun and he fell against the wall. He knew he should eat. He hadn't eaten or drank anything since yesterday morning, and that had only been a glass of juice. But still the sickness of worry in his stomach overrode his body's natural needs.

He returned to the bed to await the guard. Several minutes later she came to unlock the door, secured Yami's hands with cuffs and escorted him to the lobby. Another officer led him out to a police cruiser and drove him down the block to the prosecutor's office. Reporters and camerapersons were grouped around both the jail's exit and the prosecutor's entrance and pressed in for a closer look, each attempting to shout his or her questions louder than another.

"Is it true that this was a revenge killing? Do you feel justified?"

"Was it all in self-defense?"

"Do you believe the judge will be lenient?"

The officer plowed ahead through them, muttering "damn press," and dragging Yami behind. Yami kept his eyes trained on the ground, afraid they'd shout louder if they thought he was paying attention to them. At the prosecutor's, the officer hurried Yami inside and down a dark hallway. They could hear terse voices echoing from around a corner.

"The hell do you mean?" A somewhat familiar voice hissed. An even more familiar voice snapped back:

"Look, it isn't my fault, I did everything I could."

"He's already half gone, how could you fail to get a goddamned confession out of him? I told you exactly what methods to use and you manage to fuck it up! God, first Seidai's questioning and now this–"

"If you could have done a better job, why didn't _you_ interrogate him?"

"Watch your tone, Koga; I'm a superior and this is your fault."

The silence following the statement made clear that Koga had a great deal of things he was saying in his head.

The officer cleared his throat as he rounded the corner with Yami. Yami lifted his eyes to see his interrogator and Superintendent Ito straightening up, each struggling not to look as if he hadn't just been glaring at the other.

Yami immediately lowered his eyes to the floor. He didn't even have to guess who they'd been talking about. The awkward silence lasted another several minutes until the door opened and a medium-height, balding man, clad in a suit and with a distinctly foreign look, motioned them inside. He seated himself at the head of a table, with the superintendent and the detective on either side. The officer remained outside the closed doors. Yami, still in handcuffs, was seated beside he detective. Not knowing if he was expected to make a statement, he focused on being as quiet as he could and not shaking as the prosecutor verified the crime, defendant, and the meeting's purpose. Then he sat up straighter in his chair and said simply, "Present your evidence."

Superintendent Ito spoke first, passing documents from his briefcase across the table. "We have a statement from a victim, Hiroshi Yamada, giving Atemu-san's name as the attacker. He has not been authorized to leave the hospital so a line-up wasn't possible, however he selected Atemu-san's picture from the variety we showed him. Atemu-san also has a motive – Yamada-san confirmed that the victim Ezui Sasaki had periodically harassed Atemu-san and acquaintances. He also confirmed that Ezui-san had attacked Yugi Mutou, the son of the family whom Atemu-san is living with, only a few days before, though Mutou-san claims it was someone else."

The prosecutor, (whose name, James Estevez, Yami had finally gleaned from the numerous diplomas – most written in English – hanging on the wall), examined the paperwork, jotted notes and said, "I understand Yamada-san suffered memory loss from the attack and has displayed past contempt for the defendant. His testimony and reliability as a witness will be called into question."

"Yes sir, however he was quite level-headed and positive that he wasn't mistaken. He is willing to make an appearance in court to testify. We also have a statement from a doctor verifying that accurate recollections of an assault that has otherwise caused memory loss have been reported. The doctor is also willing to testify."

"Fine, continue," Estevez said, awaiting the next bit of information. Here, Superintendent Ito and Detective Koga looked uncomfortable. Yami finally glanced up, wondering what was holding them back.

Koga, still smarting from his failure to get Yami to confess, kept quiet. It was Ito who bit the bullet and said, "All of our other information has unfortunately contradicted Yamada-san. Atemu-san's alibi given to us by his mother has been corroborated. A neighbor gave a statement to one of my officers that she had seen Atemu-san at his mother's house, in her words, "nearly nine am." The crime was estimated to have occurred at eight-thirty that morning."

Yami struggled not to bolt upright – both his common sense and his lightheadedness warned him not to.

_What?_

"And the distance between the crime scene and residence?" Estevez asked.

"Ten point seven miles. No cab dispatchers or drivers recall giving a man fitting his description a ride," Ito said, defeated.

"An accomplice is always possible," Koga suggested. "If we had more time, perhaps..."

_So that's why they wanted me to confess,_ Yami thought vaguely.

James Estevez took his time examining the documents, occasionally pointing something out or asking for clarification. It was unusually hot in the room, and Yami could feel sweat beading on his forehead. The back of his neck felt clammy and cold, though the rest of him was sickeningly warm. He felt unusually aware of how hard his heart was beating. The room was starting to spin around him again. Not accepting the water that morning had been a big mistake; his parched throat felt like sandpaper and the effects on his body were getting worse. He wasn't even sure he'd be able to answer if they _did_ ask him any questions.

Finally, the prosecutor lowered the documents and said crisply, "The judge won't accept the case if this is the only evidence you have."

The looks on the Superintendent and detective's faces revealed that it was the response they had feared. Yami strained to clear his head. _The judge won't take the case? But if they won't take it then what happens to me?_

"I could submit it to her," Estevez continued, "however, I have seen enough cases to know that she will reject the request for detention. The bottom line is that you would be better off dropping it at this stage."

Superintendent Ito bowed his head. "If you feel that is the best move."

The prosecutor opened his own briefcase, pulled out a set of papers and signed and stamped them. Silently he handed them to the superintendent and stood. Ito stood as well, tucking the paperwork away.

"Thank you for your time, sir," he said, as politely as he could muster. The lawyer bowed back.

"I wish you luck with your case."

Nobody spoke to Yami, so he continued to stew in half-hope, half-bafflement as he was tugged to his feet by Detective Koga and maneuvered toward the exit. He was pushed through the tangle of reporters outside by the officer waiting beside the door for him, and driven back to the jail, the police car followed by the superintendent's sleek sedan.

In the lobby, the officer unlocked his cuffs and left him waiting, luckily by the desk so that he had something to lean against. He spotted a water cooler and was about to make a wobbly attempt at reaching it – or at least an attempt to ask the officer behind the counter if he could have a drink – when Ito walked into the room and handed the paperwork from the prosecuting attorney to the man behind the desk. Yami pushed aside his fuzzy-headedness to pay attention. The officer behind the counter left and returned with a small, clear bag with his name labeled upon it. Inside, Yami recognized his wallet and set of keys they had taken from him. His heart leapt hopefully.

The superintendent held out the bag to him and said gruffly, "You're free to go."

Yami took the bag wordlessly, struggling between relief and an increasing desperation for something to drink. Ito looked as if he was waiting for Yami to say something – something less-than-polite, judging by his resigned expression – and finally said, "We apologize for the inconvenience."

"Thanks," Yami finally managed to rasp, before gathering up his strength and making a line for the water cooler. Oblivious to the officers staring at him, he gulped down a few cupfuls, until he choked and dropped the paper cup, coughing.

Ito, still looking surprised, took pity on him. He took his arm and guided him toward a hallway leading to the back and said, "If you go out the front, the reporters will mob you. I'll show you the way out the back."

Yami nodded, his eyes watering from the choking, but found himself a bit lost once he was standing outside. The sun half-blinded him with brightness after his time spent in the shadowed cell, and only made him feel fuzzy-headed again. The few cupfuls of water weren't enough to satiate him, but it seemed they would have to do until he got home. Wherever home was…he wasn't entirely sure of the direction. He unzipped the bag and checked his wallet, squinting at the out-of-focus numbers on the bills inside. A taxi, that would be his best choice. Walking was out of the question.

Vaguely mindful of the superintendent's comment about the reporters, he staggered down a few back roads before he approached the street again to hail a cab and collapsed gratefully into the backseat.

"Kame Game Shop," he said, closing his eyes. "Corner of…corner of sixth and thirty-first."

The driver give him a suspicious look – Yami wondered if the reporters and their cameras had already plastered his face over the news – but said nothing until they arrived at the store and Yami handed him all the bills in his wallet, too tired to count them. As he closed the door and started a blurry-eyed, slow walk toward the front door, the driver called out the window, "Hey, this is too much, do you want change?"

Yami waved his hand vaguely behind him and called, "No, thanks."

Or at least, he thought he called it. It might have only been in his mind. The cab driver might have already been gone. It might have been hours, days since the cab dropped him off. His foot caught the edge of the step and he stumbled to his knees.

He didn't try to stand back up. It was so hot out. It might be nice to stop and rest a moment.

On his hands and knees, he heard a door open nearby. The voices on the edge of his thoughts murmured amongst themselves.

It was so goddamned humid out, yet his skin felt icy.

He felt his cheek meet the hot concrete.

It might help to lie down for a few minutes. _Just a few…_

_

* * *

_Yugi waved good-bye to Anzu, opened the front door, took off his shoes and was halfway up the stairs when his grandfather hurried down from the upper floor and blocked his way.

"Um…hi Grandpa," Yugi said slowly, raising his eyebrows.

Sugoroku had been trying to think of a gentle way to break the news for the last few hours, but had come up with nothing. Deciding that some topics were best launched straight into, he looked down at Yugi's confused expression and said, "Yami's here."

Yugi's body tensed. "What? He's here? They let him out? Is he still a suspect?"

"I don't know. He hasn't said anything."

The ecstatic shine vanished from Yugi's eyes. "What do you mean?"

"He collapsed outside this morning, after getting out of a cab–"

"He collapsed?" Yugi reached out, showing every sign of preparing to shove his way by. His grandfather stopped him by taking his wrist.

"Yugi, wait."

"I don't want to wait," Yugi said distractedly. "You're saying Yami is here and he collapsed! I want to see him now, _screw_ waiting–"

"Yugi, he's not really in any condition to be bothered, he hasn't spoken since he got here and he looks ill– Yugi!"

His grandson had succeeded in struggling loose and sprinting upstairs. Sugoroku sighed.

"Yami? Yami!" Yugi skidded into the living room and darted for the couch, upon which laid a familiar figure. He dropped to his knees and flung his arms around Yami's chest. His leg hit an empty water bottle and sent it skittering across the floor. "They let you out, thank God…"

He felt fingers slowly brush against his hair and pulled away to see Yami reaching up for him. Yugi's euphoria faded away.

"Yami?"

Something was wrong. He didn't look right. His expression was twisted, his eyes…they were all wrong – too dark, too dull to be the eyes Yugi knew.

He looked broken.

Then, as Yugi struggled between concern and confusion, Yami's expression changed.

The voices were gone. The moment he met Yugi's gaze, his mind went blissfully blank. For the first time since the arrest, the only voice in his head was his own. There was finally a sense of control and safety. He struggled to smile and touched Yugi's hair again. "Hi," he whispered.

Yugi beamed and hugged him again. "Hi yourself."

"I don't suppose…you have another bottle of water around?"

"Oh, are you thirsty? I'll get you one." Yugi jumped to his feet. Yami sat up a bit more slowly, accepting the water gratefully.

"Thank you."

"Are you okay?" Yugi seated himself beside him. "Grandpa said that you collapsed and wouldn't speak."

Yami lowered the bottle. His voice sounded stronger. "I'm fine. I was just too nervous to eat or drink in jail. My throat hurt, I didn't feel like talking."

Yugi's expression asked his next question for him. Yami was already answering before he could begin to ask.

"It's okay. I'm not a suspect anymore, they let me out. They didn't have enough evidence, and..." Here, he faltered and glanced at the door. Yugi got up and checked both staircases before returning.

"Grandpa's back downstairs and Mom's not here, it's okay."

Yami lowered his voice anyway. "The superintendent said something odd, about a neighbor seeing me at my mom's apartment before the killings. How is that possible? I wasn't anywhere near there."

"It was me."

"What?"

"The neighbor must have seen me," Yugi said. The happiness had begun to wear off as he remembered his doubts from the day before. "I was at your mom's that morning looking for you. From a distance I imagine we look alike."

"Oh…I guess it was a lucky coincidence."

"Yeah," Yugi said quietly. "I guess it was."

* * *

That night Yugi lay awake. He felt tired, but could only toss and turn and never fall asleep. Groaning, he kicked at his sheets in frustration and threw them off the bed, falling back to the mattress with a heavy sigh.

_Great. Now I can't sleep and I'm cold._

He sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed to pick up the sheets. As he did, he glanced toward his open door.

A figure had appeared in the doorway.

Yugi threw himself backward with a startled gasp. The figure jumped too and Yami stepped into the room, the light from the windows making his features clear.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry– I didn't mean to scare you–"

"What…what were you doing in my doorway?" Yugi asked, trying to calm his racing heart.

"I was trying to decide if I should wake you or not." In the moonlight, Yami's features looked softer than usual.

"I was awake," Yugi said, fetching his sheets and sitting up. "Is something wrong?"

"Um…I just…didn't get a lot of sleep in jail and…now I can't sleep because I keep remembering it and they won't shut up and earlier you made them go away, so I thought…if I could sleep in here…"

None of what he was saying made much sense, but Yugi figured the late hour was to blame. He patted the bed. "It's alright, sit down."

Yami walked over and sat. Yugi put one arm around him. "It was pretty bad, huh?" he whispered.

Yami nodded. His voice was still weak. "Really bad. The cell was so tiny and the detective wouldn't stop yelling at me and…everything kept coming back. Now, even though I'm here, it still keeps coming back."

Yugi bit his lip. "Yami, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry…because…when you were arrested there was part of me that tried to make myself believe you deserved it. I tried to tell myself that you were a murderer and you deserved to go to jail and that I shouldn't feel bad. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. No matter how much I love you, I can't condone what happened. But it was torture for you and now all I can think is how glad I am that I visited your mom and that the neighbor saw me, and I feel weird thinking that–"

"Yugi," Yami said, stopping his rambling.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you mad…that you helped me?"

Shaking his head, Yugi said, "No, I'm glad, really. I can't even imagine how horrible it must have been, and I'm mad at myself for thinking you deserved that kind of punishment. Another part of me is mad for being happy that you got away. And I'm mad that right and wrong have to be so complicated. I don't even know what my own morals are anymore, I just…I'm glad you're here." He buried his face in Yami's shoulder. "And I'm glad you're okay."

Yami hugged him, but didn't reply. Yugi pulled away to ask, his voice toughening, "You are okay, aren't you?"

Yami just hugged him tighter and Yugi silently hugged him back, and for a moment neither of them could tell who was comforting whom anymore.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** All the honorifics in this chapter bug me. xD The characters have all talked so informally so far and suddenly they're all "-san"ing it up left and right. ^^; But for such a formal situation, it only seemed appropriate.

We're kind of officially entering part three of this fic now. Part one was them getting to know each other, part two the whole murder issue, and part three...well, let's just say I _really_ like part three. x3

My replies to reviews/comments will be a bit late this time around. I'm leaving today to go to my first convention and won't be back till Sunday. And there's still so much to do before I leave!


	19. Chapter 19

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 19  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

  
**

Yugi managed to turn his muffled yawn into a soft _shhh_-ing sound as he looked blearily over at the clock on his table. From across the room it was difficult to read and he couldn't get up with Yami clinging to his shirt the way he was.

It had been over a week since Yami had first come to his room seeking comfort from nightmares. Jail seemed to have stripped away whatever control of his fears he'd had left. Yugi didn't have the heart to make him go back to sleeping on the couch, even knowing there was a small risk of being caught. _If it helps him_, he told himself.

Yugi shifted his weight to get a better grasp on Yami, resting his chin in his hair. Nine days since then. How many nightmares? Yugi honestly wasn't sure. Some nights he knew there had been more than one. Others he suspected he might have slept right through, exhausted as he was from being constantly awoken by Yami's thrashing.

He did his best to hide his tiredness. If his presence helped Yami get back to sleep and perhaps have less nightmares at all, then it was well worth it.

But Yami knew. Yugi had a feeling deep down that he did. He saw the way Yami would glance worriedly at him during the day and he was positive that Yami's concern over how tired school made him had absolutely nothing to do with school at all.

In his arms he felt Yami's body relaxing, hopefully falling back asleep. In a selfish way, it was disappointing. Between the exhaustion and the dark reasons why Yami had to come to him, there was no room to enjoy the intimacy that was supposed to come with sleeping side-by-side. He'd always liked sleeping beside Yami, it was warm and romantic and in his opinion they'd been entirely too deprived of the opportunity. Now here they were and Yugi couldn't enjoy it, too busy worrying or getting kicked in the leg whenever Yami had a nightmare.

He still wasn't talking. Yugi didn't even try to count the number of times he'd attempted to discuss the dreams with him. It was like back when they first met, Yami could – and would – evade even the smallest hint of conversation about anything that discomforted him.

_"Yami, there's no shame in having nightmares. You know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you,_" he'd tried to tell him just the day before, only to discover that Yami had conveniently gone temporarily deaf.

It frustrated him, _terrified_ him. Every waking moment Yugi carried a heavy, sick fear in his stomach and there was nothing Yami would let him do. Talking had always been Yami's choice before, it wasn't something Yugi could control. He'd just had to wait till Yami decided he wanted to talk. Now there was something causing him to shut down, but for whatever reason he wasn't admitting it.

People were supposed to fall _apart_. There were supposed to be pieces for others to pick up and help them put back together. Yugi was ready, he was ready to pick up the pieces, but Yami wasn't falling apart, he was falling inward, to some place where Yugi couldn't touch him.

Yugi swallowed heavily, his heart thudding. He didn't know how to make Yami _need_ to talk, he didn't know how to breach that wall on his own. His own helplessness infuriated him as he wondered, _what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't he need me?_

Yami loved him. People in love were supposed to want to go to each other for help.

_He isn't even able to say he loves me though._

He shook his head. Yami did love him, he believed that. Maybe love just didn't translate to need. Or was it that Yami needed him that much – too much? To the point that he was reversing and pulling away? Strong emotions had scared him before.

Yugi's hands clenched. He didn't know, and Yami wasn't letting him know. And there was a part of Yugi someplace that wasn't sure he wanted to know; part of him that was afraid of what he'd find if Yami ever did open himself completely.

He hated that part of himself.

Feeling his partner's breathing even out and his grip go slack, Yugi kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. He wasn't able to fall back asleep again.

* * *

The next morning, as he was picking glumly at a piece of toast, Yami saw Yugi coming into the room carrying his backpack and yawning.

"Hi Yugi."

Yugi's eyes shot open and attempted to stifle the yawn. "Oh…Yami, I didn't know you were in here."

"Well, I am." Yami looked at him closely. "You look tired."

"Oh, no, I slept fine."

"I kept you up, didn't I?" he murmured.

"No…well, you woke me up once, that's not much."

"I mean lately."

Yugi quickly looked at the clock and grabbed a piece of Yami's untouched toast. "I've got to get to the bus stop before it gets too late. I'll see you this afternoon!" He pecked his forehead and was down the stairs before Yami could even say good-bye.

_If Yami realizes how often he's keeping me awake with his nightmares, he's only going to feel worse_, Yugi told himself as he hurried away from the house, trying to push off the guilt from seeing Yami's confused expression. _I had to get out of there before he realized anything was wrong._

It was a little too late for that. Yami was already aware that something was terribly wrong.

_It's these goddamn nightmares!_ He growled, resting his forehead in his hands. If only he could make them go away…it was bad enough that he was keeping Yugi awake, but even worse that out of love Yugi kept telling him it was okay to sleep in his room; insisting, in fact, that he wanted Yami to if it helped. Truthfully his memories of exactly what happened right after he was woken up were blurry…but he almost always remembered Yugi being there, trying to soothe him. He wasn't entirely sure how much Yugi heard or saw, but he could tell it was stressing Yugi out.

The guilt over that was bad enough. Yet the worst thing of all was what happened in the dreams. Gone were the images of the past, replaced now with new horrors. Yugi leaving him. Yugi hating him. Yugi dying the way Shoua had and Yami unable to do anything to stop it, knowing he was the one who had caused it.

_It isn't real. It isn't real and I can handle dreams._

His subconscious seemed to disagree, tormenting him night after night with the images. He couldn't even bring himself to discuss them with Yugi, terrified at what Yugi would think. More than once he'd felt that old need to vanish. He'd gone as far as packing all of his things before he gathered the strength to fight the urge off.

Groaning, he sighed and stood up carefully to avoid becoming dizzy, throwing the other nibbled-at piece of toast in the garbage. He could barely force himself to eat these days. His stomach was a wreck, and everything he tried to eat would stick in his throat and make him feel sick. He made his way down to the Shop, unlocking the door and setting up for the day mechanically. He could hardly concentrate.

_If only I didn't have to sleep._

Inspiration came to him in a blurry flash. Of course, if he didn't sleep, he wouldn't have nightmares. Yugi would be able to sleep all night and wouldn't look so tired or nervous, and Yami…

_I'll never have to see Yugi leave me again._

That thought cemented the idea. The idea of never again reliving that scene in his mind was enough to actually cheer him up; to the point that he went to visit his mother that evening, something he'd avoided doing recently in fear that she would somehow be able to sense something wasn't right with him.

Yugi noticed. "You were awfully cheerful today," he observed as Yami went through his nightly ritual of shaking a blanket out over the couch bed, even knowing that Yami would be sneaking back to his room soon enough.

"Well…I just have a feeling things are looking up."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

Yugi beamed. "I'm glad." He leaned over and spontaneously kissed him.

"What was that for?"

"I'm just happy to see you happy," he said and blushed.

Yami smiled and kissed him back, wishing him good night.

Not sleeping turned out to be easier than he thought it would be. As soon as he snuck into Yugi's room and was sure that Yugi was asleep beside him, he flipped on the reading lamp and spent the night reading and solving puzzles in the previous day's paper. The next morning he actually felt better than usual and was pleased to see Yugi also looking bright and well-rested. He couldn't figure out why he hadn't had this idea before.

As the day progressed, however, he felt the dizziness coming back, worse than earlier, along with confusion. He hid it carefully, slipping up only when Yugi's father left that evening on another business trip, and an hour later he inquired why Mr. Mutou wasn't joining them at dinner. He could feel Yugi staring at him suspiciously, but thankfully he didn't pry.

That night trying to read didn't work, all the words blurred together and finally he gave up and just lay beside Yugi, listening to him breathe. He only dozed off twice, quickly re-awaking. The next morning he felt a little better, especially after the four cups of tea he drank, but by the next day his ability to concentrate at all had evaporated and he was highly irritable, snapping at any customers who dared to ask him questions.

Yugi's grandfather, after several concerned attempts to ask Yami what was wrong, gave him a list of games to go search the stock room for, and eventually told him to take the rest of the day off and go lay down. His reaction time had slowed to the point that he couldn't be trusted to talk to customers, and Sugoroku was afraid he'd trip and injure himself if he spent too much time in the stock room.

Yugi didn't attempt to discuss Yami's odd behavior, short-term memory loss, or sudden love of caffeinated drinks with him. He suspected that Yami was either having very quiet nightmares or was forcing himself to stay awake. The night before he'd woken up a few times and could feel Yami moving around, clearly not asleep. But he decided not to say anything. Eventually, he thought, Yami would get so tired that he'd give up, fall asleep and get back to normal.

The next day Yami dozed off mid-step and almost fell down the stairs, and despite his insisting (in the general direction of Yugi's grandfather) that he was fine, Sugoroku ordered him to stay upstairs and rest. He also snagged Yugi and hissed, "Keep an eye on him."

Yugi, who had every intention of watching him whether told to or not, agreed and headed upstairs, spotting Yami sitting on the couch, staring intently at the window.

"Hi Yami."

"Hmn."

"What are you looking at?"

"Those birds." Yami pointed.

Yugi peered out the window and said, puzzled, "I don't see any birds."

"Right there," Yami insisted, attempting to steady his hand.

Looking out the window into a completely empty sky, Yugi felt a twist of nervousness in his chest. Praying that Yami was just joking, he played along. "Oh, I see them now."

Apparently satisfied, Yami dropped his hand and got to his feet, carefully skirting a perfectly empty section of floor and making his way into the kitchen, where he proceeded to stare into the cabinet with glasses before turning and asking Yugi, "Where are the glasses? I'm thirsty."

"They're…right in front of you."

"Ah, so they are."

"Yami, maybe you ought to let me get that." Yugi gently pushed him away from the glass dishes and got him a can of soda instead, which it took him several blank moments to figure out how to open.

"Are you feeling okay?" Yugi finally asked.

"Of course I am," he replied indignantly to the stove in front of him.

"Yami, I'm over here."

He looked over at him, bewilderment flashing in his dulled eyes, then looked back at the stove. "How did you…? You were…over there…" He glanced around, then looked behind him and addressed the wall, "Yugi, this isn't funny. I'm tired and you're making me dizzy. Stand still."

Honestly scared now, Yugi finally remembered something he read once online; that sleep deprivation could cause hallucinations. But Yugi thought he'd only been up for a day or so, surely hallucinations wouldn't set in that fast. Unless he was wrong about the number of days…

He waved his hand until Yami seemed to be focusing on him and asked, "Yami, when's the last time you got any sleep?"

"I…I don't know." He wobbled. Yugi rushed forward, leading him back to the couch.

"You need to sleep."

"No I don't. And watch out for the chair."

"Yami, you're hallucinating, there's no chair!"

Looking bemused, Yami walked around where he insisted there was a chair and allowed Yugi to make him sit down.

"Listen to me, Yami…you really, _really_ need to get some sleep," Yugi begged.

"I'm fine."

"You're not even close to fine! Grandpa won't let you go downstairs to work because he's afraid you'll hurt yourself. And now you're seeing things that aren't there."

"That's better than seeing things that are."

"What?"

But Yami didn't answer, too busy staring out the window at imaginary birds again, his eyes half closed. The ghosts giggled in his head.

"If you're not sleeping in an attempt to avoid your nightmares, it isn't going to work," Yugi told him, trying to interject logic into the situation.

"It is working, because you're not dead," Yami argued back. Yugi's eyebrows furrowed, but he decided not to ask.

"Yami, you could get really sick if you don't sleep–"

"I don't need sleep!" His eyes flashed dangerously.

Yugi went silent. Shifting gears, he put his arms around Yami, carefully pulling him to his chest, leaning back against the couch in the hopes that a new plan would help. "Okay, okay…you don't need to sleep."

Yami's eyes, open and glassy, gazed off across the room. He stared at the figure of a long lost memory and pushed himself up. Yugi tried to pull him back down, but Yami's eyes were riveted on the person he saw and he pushed Yugi away. _"Shoua?"_

"Yami."

"Shoua, what are you doing here?" He got up and started forward, pulling out his hand out of Yugi's terrified grasp, but stopped in shock as his friend held up his arm. Blood was dripping from it. Yami paled, the memories of all his nightmares returning. But he was awake, so that meant…this was real? His ghost had taken a solid form now to torment him with? "Why are you doing this?"

Shoua's body was slowly becoming engulfed in red. "You killed me, Yami. You think you can avoid remembering so easily? Sleep or don't sleep, I can always find you."

"No…no I didn't!" Yami backpedaled. "Please, Shoua…leave us alone."

"Remember? Me and Yugi? How many people will you hurt?" His scowl deepened as his flesh fell away.

"No! No, I won't, you're wrong!"

"Yugi will hate you, when he finds out that Ezui wasn't your first murder–"

_"Stop!"_

Before his eyes the boy's form morphed into that of Yugi, who looked at Yami accusingly, asking: "Why?"

Yami's heart stung as he froze and pleaded, "Yugi, no, he's wrong, it was a mistake, an accident–"

"I trusted you, Yami." Sudden bloodstains bloomed on his clothing and Yugi stumbled to his knees. Yami ran to his side, his breath caught in his chest. He reached out, but his hand went right through Yugi's image.

"Yugi!" he shouted at the vision, horror filling him as young man's eyes grew dull and cold and his body sprawled backwards on the floor; a perfect imitation of the way another friend's bloody body had been stretched out on the grass in a field filled with the dead.

Shaking, choking, he spotted movement to one side, and looked up to see himself standing nearby, watching. His fists clenched.

_"You…"_

The other Yami blinked impassively.

"You did this!" He got to his feet, throwing himself forward, slamming his fist into the other him. He met a hard, unyielding surface, but attacked anyway, clawing at the vision, which didn't move, didn't even seem fazed. "You caused this!"

"_We_ did this," his clone replied.

Yami cried, punching blindly. _"No, I didn't!"_

Then, before his eyes, the image of himself vanished into a blank wall. He felt someone's hands on his arms, stopping his attack, grasping him, pulling him away. He struggled, trying to fight, and spun around with his fists raised to see Shoua again, gripping him and glaring at him from inches away. "You _will_ suffer for what you've done."

"I didn't do it!" he shouted, fists shaking. But he was unable to make himself hit him. The eyes were angry and cold now, but Yami remembered them the way they used to be. He wanted to claw at him, wanted to fight him off the same way he'd fought himself, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was still his friend. The person he'd grown up with, played games with… "It wasn't my fault, _it wasn't_…!" He looked away, pressing his bloody fists to his face, not wanting to see his accusing brown eyes.

The chills which had taken him over suddenly faded, replaced by warmth. He felt himself being pulled into someone's chest, felt his head coming to rest against someone's heart as that person's shaking hands grasped at the back of his head and shoulders. He slowly became aware of a painful stinging in his hands. And finally the sound of a voice reached him.

"Yami…Yami, come back to me, please…"

_That voice…_

He took in a deep breath, and recognized the scent.

"Yugi…?" he whispered into the clothing. "Yugi, you're here?"

"Yes, it's me." Yugi clung to him, rocking him. "Yami, you _have_ to sleep," he said, and Yami could hear tears in his voice. "I don't care what you see or what you hear in your dreams. I know how scary these nightmares must be, but I swear to you I'll be right beside you when you wake up. But if you don't sleep, your nightmares are going to turn into these hallucinations and…and you _must not_ deprive yourself of sleep anymore. You're going to hurt yourself and you're scaring me and…however hard it is, you need rest! For me, Yami…please…"

"Y-Yugi…" He buried his face against him. "Yugi…" He turned his head then, glancing back at where the others had been. Nothing was there now, not himself, not Shoua, not Yugi's dead body…but he kept seeing things moving out of the corner of his eyes, and knew they were still there. He could hear them; hovering just out of sight, whispering, biding their time until they could get him alone again.

Yugi almost burst into tears at the sight of Yami's eyes, blank and cold and…dying. There was no life in them anymore. He squeezed his own eyes shut, bringing one hand up to cover his mouth as he doubled over, clutched Yami, and tried desperately not to cry.

_What am I going to do? You promised me you wouldn't go away, but I'm starting to think you're going away…without even realizing it._

He bit his lip, some of his tears escaping and dropping down into Yami's hair.

_I don't know what to do. I'm losing you. I'm losing you and I don't know how to stop it…_

He'd known it all along. Feared all along what he might have to face if he ever found out what it was that caused Yami's problems. The kind of darkness, the kind of despair that could cause things like murder and madness…what if he couldn't handle it?

He felt Yami's chest heaving and struggled to control himself, leaning back against the side of the couch, pulling Yami with him once again. Yami kept his face pressed to Yugi's chest, his bruised and bloody hands curling over Yugi's clothes. Tears followed salty trails down his cheeks to dampen Yugi's shirt.

"Yugi…you're real."

"I'm real."

"You'll keep them away from me?"

Yugi rubbed his back gently, helplessly, wishing he understood. "I'm here. It's safe."

He felt Yami's body begin to relax. He jerked back to rigidity a few times, then mumbled, "Thank you." Moments later he went limp against him, his breathing evening out. Yugi struggled a few moments longer before he gave into his tears.

His mother returned home to find them still curled on the floor in front of the couch, Yami lying against Yugi's chest, Yugi resting his chin in Yami's hair. Yugi, who wasn't really sleeping, heard her footsteps and looked up to see her staring at them. Feeling a jolt of panic, he tried to think of how to explain the situation, (as well as the bloodstains on the wall) when she shook her head solemnly and held one finger to her lips to signal him to be quiet. Yugi smiled weakly and mouthed 'thank you' at her.

Then he wrapped his arms around Yami a bit more tightly and buried his face back in his hair. At least Yami was finally sleeping…when he woke up he probably wouldn't be hallucinating anymore. But even that didn't fully vanquish the terror in Yugi's heart.

_You're still running. You kept your promise not to physically run away anymore, but deep down…you're still trying to run inside, aren't you? I've managed to pull you back so far, but…_

He tightened his jaw, fighting panic, fighting the inevitable truth.

_What will happen when I can't?_

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Happy Canada Day, my up-north neighbors!

I feel like there was more exposition than usual in this chapter and normally I'm displeased with the exposition chapters, but I'm pretty happy with this one. I hope it has the impact I tried to put in it. ^^


	20. Chapter 20

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 20  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

"The actual shopping should only take an hour or so. Mom and I should be back at the apartment around three," Yami said, sitting down to put on his boots. "But she's extremely picky about furniture placement, so I probably won't be back here until evening."

"That's okay, take your time. Pick out some good furniture," Yugi replied, standing beside him and studying him covertly. Yami was looking a little better now that he was sleeping again. The nightmares were back, but there had been no more hallucinations for the last week. Yugi tried to look at that as an improvement, but he still couldn't push away the familiar heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he gazed at him.

"We'll try. I think she asked me to come along mostly to help move things…" Yami trailed off, looking slightly put-out. Yugi managed a laugh, pulling him to his feet.

"Well, have fun anyway. I'll see you later."

Yami leaned down to kiss his lips, which Yugi returned, but broke off quickly. Yami looked a little puzzled, but when Yugi said nothing, Yami offered the parting words: "Okay, well…yeah, see you later."

Receiving no reply, he stepped out the door, waved and closed it gently behind him.

Yugi waited until the door closed before he sighed and turned to make his way down to the Game Shop.

"Hi Grandpa," he said as he walked in.

"Hello Yugi." He glanced at the stairs. "Did Yami leave?"

"Yeah." Yugi leaned against the counter. "It was really nice of you to give him the afternoon off. Especially considering all the time he didn't work last week."

"Well, he's been working overtime to make up for it, and today's–" He grimaced slightly, lifting one hand almost reflexively before relocating it to his shoulder.

"Grandpa? Are you okay?"

"Yes…I'm fine. Just aching a little. As I was about to say, today's a big day for him."

Yugi faltered for a moment, distracted by his grandfather's somewhat-flushed face. "Oh…yeah…he and his mom are going furniture shopping for the first time since the earthquake." He paused. "It must feel pretty nice; to finally have an apartment they can afford to furnish themselves, after all that time. I think he was really looking forward to today, despite all his complaints about being dragged along for manual labor. That might be why he slept pretty well last night. Compared to other nights, anyway."

"How is he doing anyway, with those dreams?" Despite Yugi's success in keeping him quiet at night, there had been no way to avoid explaining the reason for the blood on the walls.

"I don't know…the same, I guess." He didn't mention that the nightmares seemed to be getting worse in content, based on Yami's reactions. "I'm just relieved he's sleeping again. It's scary, seeing what the nightmares do to him, but it was even worse to see him get so sick. When he was hallucinating…you know people think that's funny, seeing someone just talking to the air, but it isn't funny. It's horrible. The things he was saying and the look on his face…thank God he listened to me and is at least trying to sleep now."

"Yami respects you; he knows you only want to help." He paused, then said curiously, "I'll understand if he's asked you not to tell anyone, but…I can't help wondering what all those nightmares are about."

Yugi felt his heart sink further. "I…I don't actually know either."

"You don't?"

"He won't tell me." He lowered his eyes.

"Oh."

Yugi bit his lip, finally voicing something he'd been trying not to think about since that horrible day last week. "Grandpa, I think I'm losing him."

"What? Oh, Yugi, no…"

His concerns spilled from him uncontrollably. "He won't talk to me, he won't tell me about the nightmares or the hallucinations or even who 'Shoua' is. He won't tell me anything anymore. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to be there to pick him up when he fell. I supported him. I let him know he was loved. I held onto him when he was scared. I put my whole heart and soul into being someone he would know it was okay to come to for help, but he won't come to me. So where did I mess up? I have tried so hard…but in the end I can't do anything. _Why_?"

"I'm sure everything you've done means the world to him," his grandfather said gently.

"How am I to know? He won't talk to me. He even told me once that I was allowed to ask him anything, but now when I ask…he won't answer." His eyes stung. "I thought things would get better. He was released from jail; he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. His mom is doing well and his life is back to normal…I thought that meant he'd be happier. Instead…I know it's dumb, but I haven't gotten to hug him or cuddle with him or even really spend time with him for weeks. Any time we do spend together feels strained, and…I miss him. I miss his smile." Yugi could feel his face reddening from making such an emotional admission, but still he rambled on, "It's been gone for so long, and now it's like there's a wall up between us. I feel like I should try to talk to him, but he always shuts me out. I'm constantly afraid something will happen to him. There's this fear that's always in my stomach and I'm terrified all the time that something will push him over the edge. That he'll get sick again or he'll be so depressed that he'll do something stupid or that I'll say the wrong thing and make things worse– this isn't him, Grandpa, you know? He was never like this. It's like he's put on this mask of some person that I barely recognize."

Sugoroku's expression was one of sadness. "Yugi…you might be wrong. Maybe he's finally taken off a mask he's been wearing all this time and the truth is that what's underneath isn't pretty."

Yugi swallowed. A heavy silence hung in the room. His voice cracked as he said, "Y-You're right. I thought all he needed was a shoulder to cry on. I thought I could save him. I had this idea in my head that I could fix whatever was wrong with him and I tore down his walls thinking I could handle it and instead…it goes too deep. I wasn't ready– I wasn't ready for this."

"Yugi, you did everything you could. You shouldn't put yourself down. Sometimes people need help that nobody can give them. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

Yugi barely seemed to be listening. "I love him. I never thought I'd say that about anyone. It's real and it's there and…I think in spite of everything he really loves me. He might be scared and confused and all twisted up, but in his heart I'm positive that he loves me."

"That's a good thing," his grandfather said.

"No, it's not," Yugi said, in tears. "It's not good; it's terrible, because I'm…starting to wonder if it's worth it. To walk around, feeling this way _all the time_…is any love worth that? If he didn't love me I could walk away and trust he'd be alright, but he does love me, he needs me and I can't deal with all of this. I can't keep reaching out to him only for him to push me away and leave me standing here feeling helpless and scared and–" He stopped himself from finishing.

His grandfather took in a sharp breath, lowering himself to the stool behind the counter, but he didn't take his eyes off his grandson. "I can't give you an answer," he finally said. "But your health and your happiness should be your first priority. I know that Yami would want you to be happy. It might mean making a tough choice, but if you're truly not happy, you shouldn't stay with him. Not if you're only doing it out of pity or guilt."

"I know." Yugi wiped his eyes, even as they stung worse. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on like that. I…I'd rather not talk about it anymore."

"Yugi–"

Yugi looked up, confused at the sudden cut off, only to see his grandfather leaning against the counter, breathing heavily, grasping his left arm.

"Grandpa? …Grandpa?"

* * *

The ambulance arrived within minutes. Yugi stood back by the stairs, shaking, everything a blur around him. Even after the ambulance left, he couldn't bring himself to move. Part of him couldn't believe what was happening. One second everything seemed fine and then the next…

_I should have known something was up. Grandpa only has muscle aches in the winter, and it isn't cold enough outside anymore for him to still have them. I should have called the hospital then but I was too busy babbling…_

"I've called your father and left a message for him, Yugi." His mother arrived in the room, carrying her purse and tucking her cell phone into it. "I've told him to call us at the hospital. Do you want to call Yami before we leave?"

"I…" Yugi paused, mind reeling. "No…I mean…he and his mother are out anyway, they wouldn't be there. I'll call him later."

"Okay, let's go."

He followed obediently to the car, still shell-shocked. She noticed and put one hand on his shoulder gently. "Grandpa will be alright."

Yugi nodded, trying to believe it.

At the hospital his mother filled out paperwork, leaving Yugi to sit in the waiting room alone. He drew his legs up to his chest, shivering. It wasn't fair…he was already losing the man he loved to demons that he couldn't defeat. Now was he about to lose his grandfather to a heart attack?

As the minutes ticked away, he found himself wondering if this was how Yami felt after the earthquake. Not knowing if his loved ones were dead or alive or somewhere in-between…

_Yami._

More than anything right now, Yugi wished Yami was there. He would have given anything to be enfolded in Yami's arms, to hear Yami telling him it would be okay.

But even as he thought about it, he found himself thinking about the recent weeks. Yami, pale and thin and sick, torturing himself in his dreams, suffering from constant unknown anxieties during the day…

Yesterday, when Yami told him about he and his mother's plans to pick out furniture, it was one of the few times he'd seen a spark of real life in Yami's eyes ever since the attack on Ezui and the first time he'd seen it since he returned from prison. This morning he'd finally seemed like he was doing okay. He was looking forward to something, he was making plans, he was even smiling a little and when he'd kissed him there was real feeling in it. But Yugi had been unable to return it. And now, as he sat here, he thought that he didn't deserve Yami's comfort. He had no right to call him for help, to put more stress on him.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as his mother returned, sitting down beside him. "He's in testing right now to see if surgery will be required, but the doctor says he's doing all right."

Yugi nodded.

"It's getting close to three o'clock, if you'd like to take the phone and try to call Yami." She held out the cell phone. Yugi took it. "I'm going to go home and pick up some books and music for your grandfather so that he won't drive the nurses crazy when they get him to his room. Don't go far, I've told the doctors to get you if there's an emergency."

"Okay." He clutched the phone to his chest as he watched her walk away. Then, opening it, he punched in Eve Atemu's number and listened to it ring, praying he would just get the answering machine.

She picked up on the second ring. "Hello?"

In the background he heard a muffled curse and heard Eve stifle a laugh. "Hi…Eve, it's me."

"Yugi?"

"Yeah."

"Are you alright? You sound odd."

"I'm fine, I…are you back from shopping?"

"We just came in. Do you want to talk to Yami? He just dropped a chair on his foot; I'm sure he'd be glad to hear your voice."

Yugi bit his lip. "N-no, it's okay, don't. I just…wanted to tell you…that me and my family are going out with some friends and probably won't be back until late. So that Yami won't be confused when he comes home and nobody's there."

"Of course, I'll tell him."

"Thanks."

"Not a problem, Yugi. Bye now."

"Bye." He hung up, closing the phone and closing his eyes as he did.

_I can't tell Yami about what happened yet._

Yami was finally doing alright, even if it was just for one day. So he flipped open the phone again and began calling his friends instead.

* * *

"Who was that on the phone?" Yami asked, dragging the chair after his disastrous attempt at carrying it.

"It was Yugi. He said he and his family were going out with some friends for the day and wouldn't be back until late, so don't be surprised if they're not home."

"Oh, okay."

"His voice sounded strange, though," she remarked.

Yami turned. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. He just sounded strained. I hope he's not catching that bug you had."

Yami frowned. She noticed.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. He might have just been worried about you feeling bad about being left out," she tried to reassure him. Yami took a deep breath.

"Yeah, you're right. That's probably it."

But as he turned to go back down to the curb, where the furniture store truck was parked, his mind was no longer on chairs and linens.

* * *

When Yugi's mother returned, she was carrying a stack of books. She waved the top one at Yugi. "The hospital store had this. A whole book of those Sudoku puzzles your grandfather is so crazy about. This should inspire him to get well faster so that he can get started on them. Has the doctor told you anything new?"

Yugi nodded, trying to look pleased about the book. "He came out about twenty minutes ago to say the testing was almost finished. So he'll probably be back soon."

"Okay. Did you talk to Yami?"

"He…wasn't there. The machine answered, I guess they aren't back yet. I left a message. I also talked to Jounouchi and Anzu and Honda…sorry about using up the minutes. I just…figured they should know."

She nodded. "It's fine."

"Here's your phone back." He handed it back to her and resumed his curled-up position.

Not long after the doctor reappeared and pulled them aside. "The blockage is worse than we expected. It's not a worst-case situation, but we would prefer not to waste time and would like to do surgery today. If you would like to visit him, now would be the best time and I can explain the procedure in more detail."

Yugi's mother nodded and looked over at Yugi, who shook his head. "Go on…tell Grandpa for me that I love him."

"I will," she promised. Yugi watched her walk away and knew he could have followed, but he didn't want to. He was scared enough, he didn't want to hear any more about blockage and surgery and risks. He didn't want to see another person he loved lying in bed, weak and broken. He just wanted his grandfather to be okay.

Yami used to be good at soothing his worries. No matter how trivial, Yami had always wanted to hear about them and help. More than ever, Yugi wished he was there to help him now.

But he'd made his choice when he called. So he closed his eyes and tried to convince himself he'd done the right thing.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" Yami's mother implored as Yami hurriedly buckled his boots by the door. "Yugi's not going to be home anyway."

"Thanks for the offer Mom, but…I don't know, I just feel like I need to get back," he replied distractedly. He'd been acting like that ever since she told him about the phone call.

Disappointed, Eve said, "Okay, well…say hello to Yugi for me."

"Of course." Yami hugged her quickly. "Good night."

He vanished out the door so quickly that he was halfway down the stairs before she could call out good night back to him.

Outside, the sun was dropping low in the sky. He urged himself to a sprint as he hurried toward the Game Shop, only to arrive and find it empty.

_Yugi said he and his family were just going out with friends…I shouldn't be so nervous._

But something inside of Yami was telling him that things weren't right. Searching the house gave him no clues and finally he found himself sitting down on the couch, staring out the window at the darkening sky.

Yugi had been acting strange all week. He'd been distant, quiet…his hugs were stiff and he never wanted to meet Yami's eyes. Now this…which shouldn't be a big deal at all, but it felt wrong. It felt all wrong.

_Yugi…where are you?_

X - X - X

_

* * *

_

**Notes:** Never assume it can't get worse. ^^;

I'm a little unsure how I feel about the first part. I have a tendency to make male characters too emotional, but at the same time, I imagine just about anyone would be losing their grip and rambling if they were in Yugi's position. And Yugi always struck me as someone a little more accepting of his emotions than others.


	21. Chapter 21

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 21  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.**  
**

* * *

The moment the phone rang, Yami snatched it. It was nearly seven o'clock and he'd spent the last hour staring at it, willing it to make a sound. "Hello?"

"Yami, hey. It's Anzu."

"Oh…hi," he said, his hope fading away.

"Is Yugi back yet?"

"No, he's–"

"I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. I was about to rush over, but Yugi practically begged me not to skip work. Have you gotten any updates?"

Confused, Yami asked, "Updates on what?"

"His grandfather of course! When Yugi called he told me that he was still in testing–"

"His grandfather? Testing?" Yami gripped the phone. "What…what are you talking about?"

Anzu faltered. "Oh…I'm sorry, I assumed Yugi talked to you…he told me that he'd already called you."

"Yugi did call me, he told my mom to tell me that he and friends of the family were going out."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Anzu?"

"I…I don't know why he'd tell you that."

"What's going on?"

When she spoke, it was hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure if she should or not. "His grandfather had a heart attack this afternoon. He called me from the hospital to tell me and he said that he was in testing, but they didn't know if he needed surgery yet or not."

Yami was shaking. "Did…did he say which hospital?"

"Domino General Hos–"

"Thank you Anzu. I'll call you later." Yami hung up, pulled on his shoes and grabbed the keys and his jacket. He felt for his wallet, but the pocket was empty. He checked the hallway and stairs, but it wasn't there.

_Come on, come on, I don't have time for this…_

Frantic by now, he gave up the search and dashed down to the store to grab some money from the register for a taxi before sprinting out the door.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, as he finally located the correct waiting room, he paused to catch his breath and looked around. He immediately recognized Yugi, huddled in a chair, and strode forward.

"Yugi…Yugi!"

Yugi turned around, his eyes widening. "Yami?"

Before he knew it, he was out of the chair and in Yami's arms. Yami, embracing him tightly and stroking his hair with one hand, whispered, "Yugi, are you okay? Talk to me, tell me what happened."

Yugi knew he should push him away, but he couldn't. Not now, not as he gave in to the fear he'd felt all day. "It's G-Grandpa…the doctor said it was a heart attack. It was awful, Yami…one second he looked okay and the next…" He couldn't even finish, choking on his words.

"It's okay," Yami whispered, still holding him. "Grandfather is strong; he can make it through this. It's going to be okay."

"A nurse came out a little while ago and told us the surgery was almost over, but he didn't say if it went well or not." He gulped back his fear. "Wh-what if that means he won't be okay?"

"That's not what it means," Yami said firmly. "I don't think they're even allowed to say how they think things are going until it's completely over. So I bet he's doing fine."

"But what if–"

"Now is not the time for what-if's." Yami pressed his lips to his forehead, feeling Yugi shake. "It's going to be alright, Yugi. Believe in that."

Yugi managed to nod as Yami carefully lowered them down onto one of the seats. Not knowing what else to do, all he could think of was to keep Yugi talking. "Now tell me what happened."

In bits and pieces Yugi told him the story, leaving out the discussion he'd had with his grandfather before the heart attack happened. He wanted to ask Yami how he knew to come to the hospital, but didn't want to explain right then about why he'd lied. The truth would come out too soon as it was. But for now Yami didn't say anything, he just listened and held onto him quietly, even after Yugi stopped talking.

Yugi sighed, pressing his face to Yami's chest. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted his mother, turning back around casually, as if she hadn't been watching. She'd been awfully understanding about Yami lately. Despite all the signs that he was losing it, just as she had predicted, she hadn't said anything against him. Yugi had barely noticed the change, what with everything else going on. Then again, he thought glumly, Yami was doing well enough proving her points on his own without her commentary.

Shifting slightly, he peered up at Yami. He hadn't seen Yami this…_focused_…in days. Weeks even. It was like a fog had lifted from his eyes. Whatever he'd been struggling with seemed to have vanished in his desire to be there for Yugi. And he found himself remembering how much he'd wished Yami was there at his side and now here he was and Yugi felt…safe.

He wished he didn't. This was exactly why he hadn't called him. He didn't want to see Yami caring for him, worrying about him…that would only make things harder.

"Yugi…?" He felt one of Yami's hands on his hair. His voice sounded subdued.

"Mn?" He sat up a little straighter to meet his eyes.

"Why…why didn't you tell me about this the moment it happened? And why did you lie to my mother and tell her to lie to me about it? This was something really bad and really huge and I should have been here with you." His tone was sad. "Why didn't you let me be here?"

Yugi lowered his eyes. "Because you didn't deserve this."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Yami. It's just…I didn't want to." He looked up at him desperately. "You were looking forward to shopping with your mother and you slept okay last night and…you were looking calm and I _couldn't _bring myself to do anything to destroy that. Not now."

"But Yugi," he said, "something like this is more important than that! Grandfather is like family to me, I should have known about this the moment it happened, regardless of any worry it caused!"

"No…no, it isn't!" Yugi couldn't take seeing the disappointed look in Yami's eyes. "Don't look at me like that, don't…I don't want your comfort!"

"What are you talking about?" Yami tried to tighten his grip, but Yugi pushed his arms away and stood up.

"Yami, I…"

"Excuse me, Sugoroku Mutou's family?"

They turned to see a nurse, the one who had come out earlier.

"Yes?" Yugi's mother asked, rising from her seat.

"You'll be pleased to know the surgery went well. He is still very groggy, so we would like to wait another half hour before allowing visitors in. However, if you would like to speak to the doctor about the details and recovery period, now would be fine."

"Thank you." Mrs. Mutou turned. "Yugi, Yami?"

"I'll be along in a minute, Mom," Yugi said quietly.

"Okay." She left with the nurse, leaving them alone. Yami stood.

"Yugi, what's going on? What were you trying to say before?"

"I said…that I didn't want your comfort."

"But why?" Yami stepped forward, but Yugi just backed away.

"Because…it wouldn't be right."

"_Why_?"

"Because it's over," he whispered.

The cold spot in his chest from before suddenly bloomed and consumed his body. Yami could barely hear his own voice as he said, "What do you mean?"

"It's just too much…" Yugi said, staring down at the floor. "Seeing it all…being helpless…from day one I just wanted to help you. I saw pain in your eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to fix it. I didn't understand you at first, I never realized until I talked to your mom exactly the kind of war you're always fighting inside yourself. I take responsibility for that, I shouldn't have just assumed you weren't hurt as badly as you are. But…you've hidden so much from me and that's not okay."

He looked up at Yami desperately. Yami stared back, his skin still feeling prickly and cold. "I might hate to see you hurt, but if it meant helping you I'd do anything. Instead, I've watched you panic over flashbacks and the memories they've brought back that you pretended didn't hurt you. I've watched you cry after nightmares about God-knows-what for weeks. All I've been able to do is watch and not understand what causes it…and you should have told me you were hurting before it went this far. How do you think I feel now, realizing that if I just knew what was happening I might have been able to stop it from getting this bad?"

"Yugi, no– I never meant–"

"Then last week you stopped sleeping altogether and I saw you…I think you were living one of your nightmares. I don't know what you saw, but it was horrible to just sit here and watch. And the worst part…I saw that pain in your eyes again and it hit me. You've been through too much. I thought…I thought maybe that I should force you to get help, that maybe I should force you into therapy, but I don't know if I should, I don't know what to do and I'm so terrified of doing the wrong thing. I _can't_ do this. You're broken and I can't fix you. I can't take away your pain. You won't tell me what's wrong, you won't let down those walls and there's nothing I can do." He shook his head, struggling for composure.

"Yugi, stop. I never asked you to fix me–"

His upset tone was more than Yugi could handle. _No_, Yami wasn't allowed to be the victim now, he was _always_ the victim. Didn't Yami understand that _he_ was scared too? Didn't he realize that he wasn't the only one hurt by all this? "Exactly!" Yugi exploded. "You never asked! You never ask for anything! You just let yourself stew in self-pity and make everyone around you worry about you, but you never let us help. You just find other people to place the blame on when you're upset, you don't act rationally. Look at what you did after the fight I was in. You did something terrible instead of talking to me!"

"But they–"

"Don't make excuses," Yugi snapped. "There is no excuse."

Yami flinched, a reflex so pathetic that it made Yugi want to shout louder. _Fight back!_ He wanted to scream. _Don't break, don't say no, fight back for me!_

Yami wasn't fighting, wasn't moving. Yugi suddenly felt incredibly tired. "If you really wanted help, you knew I was here," he said. "It scared me, what I might have to face, but I was ready. I've been here all this time, afraid but still ready to go through whatever I'd have to for you, but you never let me in."

His eyes darkened. "That isn't true."

"If it's not true, then tell me who Shoua is."

Yami didn't answer. Yugi narrowed his eyes, blinking away tears before Yami could see them. "Is he the boy with you in that picture you didn't show me? The one with brown hair?"

"You went through my pictures?" Yami demanded. "Those were private!"

"I found the picture on accident. Good thing too, or I wouldn't even have a face to put to the name. What are you hiding about him?"

"It's not important. I knew him a long time ago."

"That's a lie."

Yami took a step back, startled by the venom in Yugi's voice.

"Yugi–"

"Obviously he's still important to you. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have kept him a secret. I know for a fact that there's nothing that would make me love you less. There is no secret about this person you could tell me to make me hate you and I always thought you knew that. For God's sake, I _defended _you when– I had a million reasons not to, I knew that I shouldn't, but I defended you. I put aside all my morals just because I loved you. I don't know what secret you're hiding about this guy, but the fact that you won't trust me with it isn't okay. I've given you everything I have, I've bared my soul to you, but you still don't want to tell me, you don't want to let me into that place. Unless you decide that you can, this can't work."

Against his will, the tears were beginning to slip into his voice. The mix of hurt and anger was enough to break Yami's heart and he reached out, saying,

"Yugi…please understand. I'll be better, we can still make it work–"

"Can you tell me that you love me?"

Yami stared at him. "What?"

"Can you tell me that you love me yet?" Yugi asked quietly. "I need to hear those words sometimes, you know? I realize they're just words, but…I want to hear them from you."

Yami was silent. Yugi nodded. "I thought so," he whispered.

Yami shook his head slowly, his voice breaking. "Don't…don't do this."

Yugi's voice didn't waver in its grim determination. "Yami, I love you. I don't know what it was that made me come back that first day, but whatever it was, it turned into love. But I'm not what you need and if I'm not…then it's pointless for me to keep putting myself through this. I have a life, too. I have friends and my family and my grandpa is hurt and I'm scared and…I would hold you up too if you'd just let me, but I can't live the way it is now, trying to hold you up with you shoving me back. It hurts too much." He drew in a deep breath, not looking up this time, not able to handle whatever the expression was on Yami's face. "And I…I have to go."

"Yugi, no, wait–"

"I can't." Turning, not letting Yami see when the tears escaped his eyes, he strode out of the room, down the hall his mother and the nurse had taken. Yami remained where he was, unable to move. It didn't feel real. Maybe it was a nightmare, maybe he would wake up and Yugi would be there, holding him, saying it was okay…

No, it couldn't be. No nightmare could hurt this badly.

_Why would he think he needed to heal me? That was never his job; he never should have had to believe that it was…_

But for the first time, he was able to clearly look back at how he'd been acting recently. He'd been so lost and confused and tangled up, not once had he ever thought of how his actions were affecting Yugi. All he knew was that even in the worst, Yugi was like an anchor for him. He was a safe place, a shelter…

_I used him. He loved me and all I did…was use him. I never thought…I never saw what it was doing…_

Every time something bad happened, Yugi was there, holding onto him and trying to keep him steady. Every time he was hurt, Yugi would offer him help. Yugi had given him everything he had to offer. And he…he had let ghosts and memories destroy the only good thing he had.

"No…you never let me down, not once." he found himself whispering. "You've offered me your hand so many times when I was already down…but I never took it. I never even saw it."

Slowly, he backed toward the door.

_Yugi…how much damage have I done?_

It was too late to ask that now. Too late to have regrets, too late to make amends…Yugi had been strong enough to let go.

Now he had no anchor, nothing to hold him back, nothing to protect him from himself. The one thing that protected him from pain was now the source. And there was only one action he knew how to take on his own.

When Yugi and his mother walked back out, the waiting room was empty.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Sad chapter. One of the worst truths. Sometimes love isn't enough.

This one took a long time to get written, trying to strike a balance between all the different emotions. In the end I think I'm happy with it. (I can't help feeling like it got a little over-dramatic, but at the same time drama seemed kind of necessary...) Not that long of a wait between chapters this time, either. I would have pushed it back a bit more, but I have a rare Thursday off work and wanted to celebrate...with angst. xD;


	22. Chapter 22

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 22  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.**  
**

* * *

His bedroom was pitch black when he walked in. Yugi automatically felt for the light switch, flipping it on, on his way to his bed. But as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, he stopped in his tracks. His room looked different. It took a few seconds to realize why.

All of Yami's belongings were missing.

Silently, he crossed the room to his dresser, opening the drawer he'd cleaned out for Yami's clothes. It, too, was empty. He closed the drawer with a sigh and flopped down on his bed, hiding his face in the comforter. His eyes, already raw, stung worse and he bit down hard on his lip.

_He's really gone._

He knew Yami had every right to take his things back. But there had been a part of Yugi that had hoped that Yami would be there waiting when he got back. Maybe he would ask for another chance, maybe finally open up to him. He'd hoped that an ultimatum could make Yami fight to make the relationship work again. Instead he'd left.

_Did he think it wasn't worth fighting for? Or was he just not strong enough?_

"Yugi?" his mother asked behind him, making him jump. He sat up and turned slowly to see her surveying his room, then meeting his eyes. Sudden understanding appeared there, but still she asked, "Where is Yami?"

Yugi had to break eye contact before he could say the words. "He's gone."

"Did he…"

"I told him to leave," Yugi interrupted, guessing her question. His voice rose slightly. "I broke up with him. Okay?"

She nodded and stepped back, a welcome response. He curled back up, feeling drained. It felt like it couldn't be real. His grandfather had almost died and would be in the hospital for several more days, Yami was gone, probably forever…and for some reason the world continued to turn. The sheer fact that life would continue its same old way after a day like this was incomprehensible.

_I should sleep. Or eat something. I can't just lay here and mope._

Despite his inner voice's sensible advice, he didn't move. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep and he didn't cry. He just let the emptiness swallow him, keeping the light on, because the dark seemed to invite memories and doubts.

What if he hadn't fought with Ezui? What if he'd insisted on talking to Yami the night after the fight instead of letting his mother make him go to bed? What if he'd asked him to go to a doctor? What if he hadn't made Yami come back?

Would things be different now? Better? Worse?

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

The idea of going to school the next day seemed almost foreign, yet when his alarm clock went off he got out of bed mechanically and put on his uniform. It was his mother who stopped him on the stairs and told him to go back to bed.

"But we're reviewing for exams," he said blankly, teetering on the step. "I'm supposed to be there–"

"I know you barely slept, now go back to bed," she insisted. "I'll call the school and have one of your friends bring you the materials."

He went without argument, but sleep wasn't forthcoming. Something heavy lay in his stomach and every time he closed his eyes he felt tears trying to sneak out and had to blink them away.

_I did the right thing. I did what I had to do for us both. He wasn't in a good place staying with me, either._

At some point, he heard the door open and footsteps on the carpet. His mother's voice floated over.

"I've brought you some breakfast. You should eat something, it will help you sleep."

Yugi rolled over to put his back to her. "Thanks. Maybe later."

"You should eat now, you don't want it to get cold."

"I'm not hungry right now."

There was the clink of a plate being set down. When she spoke again, it wasn't in her usual crisp tone. "I'm sorry. I know you really cared for him."

Yugi twisted slightly, pulling his arms in closer and hiding his face more securely in his pillow, letting the fabric soak up the tears that were forcing their way past his closed eyelids.

"You're not sorry. You never liked Yami anyway," he said, maybe a bit too loudly. "You must be glad he's gone. It means you were right about h-him. Just…leave me alone."

She didn't answer. Yugi only felt worse, but he didn't move.

He thought he heard her murmur, "Okay." Then, quietly, she left the room and pulled the door closed behind her, so that when his nerve broke only moments later and his sobs found escape, he could at least mourn in privacy.

* * *

Yugi opened his eyes. Slowly, he lifted himself up and shook his head, wondering vaguely why he had awoken so abruptly. A glance out the window showed that the sun was low in the sky. It meant he had been asleep several hours. That was good. His body felt less fatigued.

Loud knocking interrupted his thoughts. Someone was downstairs at the door. He fell backwards, waiting for his mother to answer, but the knocking only returned again a few minutes later. His mother must have gone out, perhaps to the hospital…which meant there was nobody else to answer the door.

Groaning, he got up and stumbled his way through the house and down the stairs. Rubbing his eyes, he opened the door and looked up.

His heart plummeted at the sight of Eve on the doorstep, but it was too late to run. She smiled. "Yugi, hello."

"Hi."

She rummaged in her purse, pulling out a familiar-looking wallet. "Yami left this at my apartment yesterday. I wanted to return it to him, is he here? I noticed the shop is closed…"

Yugi shook his head.

"Well, I'll just leave it with you then–"

"You can't," Yugi said. "You can't leave it here. Yami…won't get it."

Eve frowned. "What do you mean Yami won't get it?"

Yugi didn't have time to put together an answer. She figured it out by the look on his face. "He left, didn't he?"

"Yes."

She shook her head. "I don't understand, why would he take off now? He seemed fine yesterday…a little jumpy after your phone call, but otherwise like everything was okay. Did he say why?"

He wanted to answer, but he couldn't make himself form the words. It was too soon.

"Yugi? Are you okay?"

"We broke up," he choked out.

"What?"

"Yami and I broke up. That's why he's gone," he said, staring down at the shoes neatly arranged along the wall. "We broke up and he took his things and left."

"What happened?" she finally asked. "If you'd like to tell me."

"He wouldn't let me help him." Yugi's eyes re-filled with tears. He blinked them away, impatient with himself. "He just wanted to hold all his suffering in, so I told him it was over…and he didn't fight it." The tears were winning the battle. "He didn't fight for me."

Eve didn't ask any further. She simply tucked the wallet back into her purse and reached out to touch his shoulder. "Do you remember before, when I told you that you did nothing wrong?"

He looked up and nodded.

"That still stands. If being with him was hurting you, you were right to let him go."

His lower lip trembled and he tightened his jaw, trying to make it stop. "I'm sorry," he said through gritted teeth. "I told you I would chase him. I told you I would be there for him. I'm…so sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You did your best."

Nodding, blinking rapidly, Yugi said, "It doesn't feel like enough."

"It was more than enough," she said and stepped back, as if about to leave.

"Eve, wait." Yugi straightened up, taking a deep breath. "There's something I need to know. It's about someone named Shoua. He was a friend of Yami's, wasn't he?"

She nodded. "Shoua Matsuo. He was Yami's best friend."

"And Yami loved him…didn't he?"

Her lips pressed in a thin line, she nodded again. "Yes. I suspect he was his first love."

"He died in the earthquake," Yugi said, not even bothering to make it a question. He already knew the answer.

"I'm guessing Yami didn't tell you these things," she said.

"No, this is all stuff I pieced together on my own. What I want to know is why Yami kept him a secret. I wouldn't have been upset to know he loved someone else. I would have understood. So why was he always so jumpy?"

"I'm afraid I don't know, either."

That startled him. "Wait, he never told you? I thought he told you everything."

"I knew who Shoua was. I could tell Yami had feelings for him. I knew he was killed and it's obvious that his death was more distressing to Yami than any of the others, but I never knew the reason. I would ask and he wouldn't answer."

"Oh…" _So he wasn't just hiding it from me._

"I should be going," Eve said gently. "If there is anything I can do to help…"

"There is." Yugi swallowed heavily, steadying himself. "If…Yami contacts you, or you see him anywhere…don't convince him to come back, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every time he ever left before, either I went and convinced him to come back, or you talked him into it…but this time I don't want anyone convincing him to. Because if he did come back, I think I would give in. I'm afraid that I couldn't push him away again. So if he comes back this time I want it to be his choice. I want him to be the one saying this is what he wants. I only want him to come back if he's ready to ask for help. Do you understand?"

She smiled sadly. "Of course. I promise, if I see him, I won't tell him to."

"Thank you. Um…wait, can I ask something else of you? Hold on." He turned and strode back upstairs. Eve waited, slightly puzzled, until he returned a few minutes later with a plastic bag. "Here."

She peered inside. "Picture frames?"

"I bought them a little while back for Yami; I was just waiting for a good occasion to give them to him. I thought…he would like to put his pictures of you and his father and everyone in frames. That way he could feel more at home here. I don't want them around, so…I thought you might like them."

Eve nodded. "Thank you. Take care, Yugi."

He waved as she walked away and then had to close the door. She and Yami had the same kind of stride.

* * *

Yami's eyes were closed, making up a song on the _shakuhachi_ without worrying about finger placement. It made it easier to transfer his emotions straight to music, without stopping to worry about them. It might have been the worst-sounding song he had ever heard, but then, he had rarely felt worse.

Something hitting the ground in front of him broke his concentration, as well as a familiar voice saying, "I thought I'd find you here."

Yami opened his eyes to see his wallet on the ground in front of him and slowly lifted them to see his mother with her arms folded.

"You left that at my apartment yesterday," she said as he picked up the wallet.

Yami leaned back against the building. His face was a grubby mess, undoubtedly the combination of tearstains and dirt from his hands. "So, come to tell me to go back?"

"No."

He lifted his eyebrows. "No?"

"I came to return your wallet to you," she said. "No other reason."

He didn't look convinced, but shrugged anyway. "Alright then."

Eve had planned to not say anything else, but the sight of his face and the dead sound in his voice were too much. She couldn't help asking, "Yami, why are you doing this?"

"You've been to see Yugi, haven't you?"

"Just answer my question."

He shrugged again. "It's not important anymore."

"Obviously it's important to you–"

The words, so similar to Yugi's own from just hours before, cut straight to his heart. Sitting up, he snapped,

"_I told you_ it's not important! Let it go already! It's my problem and I'd really like for the rest of the world to stop trying to make it theirs!"

Her expression darkened. Yami instantly lowered his voice. "Sorry. That wasn't…that wasn't what I meant to say. I just meant that I'd prefer to keep it to myself. It's my problem, nobody else's."

"Yami, a problem is like a splinter. At first it might be minor, but if you let it fester too long, the infection will slowly kill you."

"I'm not in the mood for any of Grandma's proverbs," Yami groaned, lowering his head to his hands.

"Asking for help doesn't have to be as tough as you think. We have the funds, you don't have to sit around so unhappy–"

"Just say it, I'm fucked up. You don't have to act like I need pity, Mom."

Eve's expression grew more severe. "I'm just trying to get you help."

Slowly, he lifted his head. "Are these words coming from you, or Yugi?"

"Myself."

"Did Yugi tell you what happened?"

"The main details."

"Did he tell you the reason he broke up with me?"

She nodded.

"And you're really _not_ here to tell me I'm making a mistake and that I should go back? All of this stuff about 'help' has nothing to do with convincing me to go back to him?"

Eve shook her head. "Yami, you're almost an adult. I'm not going to make your choices for you. If you don't want to go back to Yugi, then don't. I just don't want your unhappiness to make you cross a line you can't undo."

Yami lifted one shoulder vaguely and looked away in silence. A wordless answer, but its message was clear.

For a moment she gazed back at him. Then, swallowing, she turned away too. "I'll accept that you don't have to answer all my questions. Heaven knows I didn't tell my parents everything. You will always be welcome at my home, Yami. You will always be able to ask me for help. I don't want this for you, but if it's what you want…I can't stop you." She unhooked the plastic bag from her arm and dropped it in his lap. "These are from Yugi. He was going to give them to you as a gift."

The disappointment in her voice threw him over the edge. "You think I _wanted_ this?" he yelled at her retreating back. "Do you think I'm really thrilled to be this way? Don't act like this was my big plan!"

Eve wanted to respond. She bit her lip, forced one foot in front of the other and had to hold back tears, but she didn't stop walking. _Perhaps_, she admitted to herself,_ I have been too soft._

She had let him get away with unhealthy coping methods and she had let him convince her he wasn't as sick as she knew he was. She thought herself strong to have survived what she had, but she had a blind spot when it came to causing Yami pain. She'd been too afraid to be honest with him. No matter what she wanted, she couldn't let herself comfort him anymore.

"I didn't choose this, _damn it_," Yami snarled down at the concrete. "Why does everyone keep acting like I _wanted_ this? I didn't…fucking…want…"

Shaking, he threw the bag of picture frames at the ground beside him. For a moment, there was the sharp sound of cracking glass. He grit his teeth and closed his eyes.

_Why did this have to happen when Yugi was here to be hurt by it? The earthquake was four years ago, I've had plenty of time to lose my mind. Why now? He didn't deserve to be caught up in this. He was just trying to help._

A bitter laugh forced its way between his lips.

_Yugi was the only one there._

Finally, he understood what Yugi had been trying to tell him at the apartment. There _had_ been someone chasing him, but it wasn't someone to fear. Finally, he had stopped and discovered that the only person chasing him had been someone who loved him.

And now there was nobody. The ghosts had won.

When he opened his eyes again it was late. The streetlights were beginning to flicker on. He got to his feet and wiped his face. He didn't bother reaching for the bag. The frames were broken.

_"You're broken."_

Broken things were useless.

He didn't cry. He couldn't. His body was tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of weakness. There were too many feelings constantly draining it and in protest it had finally done away with them itself.

There was no reason to stay in Domino anymore. He gathered up his belongings and began walking toward the bus depot.

It was time to take his own advice. It was time to move on.

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** I want to thank everyone for their comments on the last chapter. There were a few I really wanted to respond to, but I was afraid if I did I'd give away spoilers. ^^; Just know I read and appreciated them all so much, especially since that chapter in particular meant a lot to me. I'm thrilled at how it resonated with other people.

I go back to school tomorrow. Hopefully this will be my last year! Good luck to anyone else out there who's heading back too.


	23. Chapter 23

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 23  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

The earthquake's first jolt threw Yami against the side of his desk and knocked his breath from him. From the front of the classroom came the order: "Everyone under your desks!" Within a well-rehearsed second, he and his classmates had slipped under cover, just as another stronger jolt shook the building. Bookshelves along the walls crashed amidst the shaking and ceiling tiles tumbled down, breaking and sending up billows of dust. Yami wound one arm around the leg of his desk, trying to stay upright, but found himself thrown flat on the floor. Fear trickled through his body. There had been earthquakes before, but not like this…

_Why isn't it over yet?_ He thought as he squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the desk leg as if it would hold him steady. It was all he could do to stay under it as the quake shook the floor violently. He could hear more things falling around him.

The lights went out, sending up a chorus of cries from shock. Through the dark came the rending of metal and concrete and he felt the whole building shudder. The floor seemed to slope abruptly downward to the right, as if picked up and tilted by a giant.

His panicked mind flashed an image to him of the tons of concrete and steel above his head, imagining it crashing down upon him, and he clung even more tightly to the table leg.

Somewhere to his right, he heard another crash. Pieces of something hit the top of his desk. The room erupted in louder screams, more raw and primal than the earlier ones. Some died away too quickly while some continued on and Yami kept his eyes closed because voluntary darkness was better than what was around him now.

_Make it stop_, he begged. _Just make it stop…_

And it did. The sounds in the room faded to whimpers and sobs. Yami dared to open his eyes to see a world of black staring back at him and he closed his eyes again before he could confront it.

"Nobody move," their teacher called. His voice was shaking, but still authoritative. "There may be aftershocks. I will try to come around with first aid."

Yami felt sore and shaken, but didn't think he was really injured, so he stayed quiet, coughing occasionally from the dust in the air. Noises came from nearby, gasps or murmurs or sobs from the others. A girl's voice from near the back of the class drifted by; the small, helpless word "_ow_…" repeated over and over in a confused, tearful tone.

He could hear distant sounds too, screams from other parts of the school perhaps. Some of his classmates called out weakly to friends, receiving mumbled reassurances in response. A few of the calls went unanswered.  
_  
__Shoua._

His eyes flew open as he stared into the dark. For a moment, he was numb with new terror, until he managed to tell himself: _He's okay, he has to be okay._

The dark was getting to be too much. He could only make out vague shapes through the gloom of dust and blackness. Where were the windows?  
_  
__Did the building collapse?_

Again he was reminded of the weight that may be waiting above them, preparing to crush them at any second and a low, fearful sound escaped his throat. He closed his eyes again and pressed himself to the floor as a small aftershock rolled through, and stayed like that for as long as he could stand, before having to look around again.

His eyes had adjusted now. His heart leapt as he saw a small crack of light along one wall. He struggled to his knees and crawled toward it. Maybe there was a way out there. The sight of other human silhouettes told him that he wasn't the only person who sought escape, or merely the comfort that light could bring. He recognized a few of his classmates in the slight glow and was startled at how different they looked with wide, blank eyes. They stared back at him, looking equally stunned. The sound of the teacher ordering them to get back under cover barely caused a flinch as they huddled around the light.

More sharp shakes assaulted the building. A horrible cracking sound filled the air and something unseen threw Yami hard to the ground. Screaming filled his ears as pain flowed from his shoulder down his back and arm and it took him a moment to realize the screams were his own.

_Stop, stop!_

It didn't stop. The pain only increased, transforming into throbbing that was almost worse than the first strikes. He couldn't even feel his hand, much less move. Tears were trickling down his face; at least, he hoped they were tears and not something else. Someone touched his other arm; another dark silhouette tried to speak to him, but their voices were lost in the cries that tore their way from his throat with every breath.

Trapped, helpless, in dark, choking torture he hadn't even known existed.

Finally, after what could have been years, he felt his body giving up. He had no more breath to cry with and his throat was too raw to make another sound. It should have been a mercy when his mind began to fade, but still he tried to fight the blackness. He couldn't take any more darkness, be it around him or in his own mind.

His body didn't agree and it won the fight for the moment. The next time he opened his eyes, it was to the brightness of the sun and the blurry sight of relief workers.

Sixteen point four seconds, they said later. Sixteen point four seconds to destroy his world, though it took years before he really understood how much damage it had done.

* * *

A hiss of air breaks preceded the mechanical clunking of the bus's well-worn doors opening. With a nod to the bus driver, Yami stepped off it and onto the sidewalk and stumbled toward an overhang. From under it he stared gloomily out at the rain.

The rainy season. Rain was no longer the cleansing, peaceful atmosphere he'd once regarded it. Now, rain meant sitting in one place, on the same steps all day and seeing very few people. It wasn't conducive to panhandling and, worse, meant being left alone with his thoughts for hours at a time. And it happened to coincide with the month of June, and with a birthday which was either approaching or had shortly passed…he wasn't quite sure.

He was fine with not knowing.

Huddling in a ball on the steps, he pretended to sleep. It was easier than having to see people hurry away from him when they caught sight of his dull-eyed gaze, as if they thought whatever was wrong with him was something contagious.

Just as bad were the pity stares. No…those were worse. Those presumed that he was somehow a pitiable creature who deserved sympathy. And that hurt much, much worse than any other assumption.

Keeping his eyes closed was the best choice. The voices of people on the street drifted in and out of hearing range, interspersing with memories.

"–told him no way in hell was I working overtime–"  
_  
__"You're my best friend, Yami."_

"I'm saving for a car, it'll be great for the next rainy season."

"Really? What kind? I love the new hybrids–"  
_  
__"I love you. I love you, Shoua. I– I will always love you–" _

"Momma, why is that man there? He looks funny."

"He's probably homeless. Don't go near him, Anna."

_"You killed me."_

"The number of bums around here has skyrocketed lately; the city should do something about them."

"I know, it's not safe– Anna, stay beside your father, don't get so close to the road."

_"You're killing Yugi."_

"–heard on the news about the subway crash in Tokyo, one of the worst they said–"

_"It's killing me, Yami."_  
_  
__Killing me killing me killing me..._

The rain let up by late afternoon. After a short consideration of his options, helped along by a police officer who stopped and ordered him to move from the property, he decided to return to the bus depot. This town was no good, he could already tell.

People veered aside as he trudged along the sidewalk. The sole of his right shoe had come unglued a few days before and curled under his shuffling, pitching him forward.

"Ugh," he mumbled, falling against a post and deciding to remain there until the world stopped spinning unnaturally fast. His stomach pinched. He wasn't sure when he'd last eaten. Food had become a secondary need these days.

_Just keep moving_, he tried to urge himself. _You have to keep moving._ Moving was his proof that he was still alive.

Dizzy from the summer heat and hunger, he shook his head to try to clear it, but it only seemed to jumble up his thoughts further, breaking the sentences into fragments that chased each other around his mind.

"We'll always–"

"–broken–"

"I love…"

"This wasn't what I–"

"No…_no_…!"

He stumbled again, this time with some bewilderment. The ground had suddenly become uneven. Odd, for a paved sidewalk. Especially when the post had been doing such a swell job holding him up.

His stumble had confused the voices as well. For a moment, they were all muddled together in an incomprehensible murmur.

And then one voice, clear and strong, cut through the rest. "Look out!"

Yami's heart leapt and his head jolted up.

"Yugi?"

Yugi wasn't there. He saw the car though, only meters away.

The futile screech of tires on wet pavement, the pain that suddenly splintered through him– shattering him, locking up his mind–

The miserable, cold road under his head, the noxious car fumes, the clammy rain water soaking into his clothing. No…it wasn't only water. There was another liquid, with a sickening, metallic smell. He could taste it in his mouth. His body was gripped in agony.

_Yugi_, Yugi would help him, Yugi could stop the pain. Except he couldn't move, not at all, nothing would move, _why couldn't he move, he had to move, he had to find Yugi_–

_Yugi isn't here._

His fight drained away and the blackness came for him again. This time he reached out gratefully into the blessing of nothingness and let it take him in.

* * *

Yugi slowed to a pause as he reached the corner of the sidewalk. Silently, he gazed off down one of the streets, straining his eyes, even knowing it was pointless.

"Yug! Hey, Yugi!"

Jumping, Yugi spun around to see Jounouchi jogging over, out-of-breath.

"Oh, hi Jounouchi."

Still catching his breath, he peered over Yugi's shoulder. "What're you looking at? Your house isn't this way."

"I know." Yugi turned resolutely away from the street he'd been staring down. "Your house isn't this way either, what are you doing here?"

Jounouchi frowned. "I was coming over to your place today, remember? You said I could play your Sims game earlier and then you just took off without me."

His face flushed and Yugi grimaced. "Oh no…I'm sorry Jounouchi, I forgot."

He was still frowning. "It's still okay if I come over, isn't it?"

"What? Of course it is. I just spaced out, it's alright. Let's go."

As they began walking, Yugi resisted the urge to glance back over his shoulder. There wasn't going to be anyone there; at least, not the person he was half-hoping, half-dreading he would see. Now that he thought about it, there were other routes home. He really ought to go back to using one of those. Subjecting himself to a cycle of anxiety, disappointment, relief, and guilt every single day probably bordered on masochistic.

These thoughts carried him home, where he was distracted a bit by Jounouchi plopping down in front of his television and announcing he was going to make a Sim character resembling Seto Kaiba and would have said character die in multiple fiery ways. He and their wealthy, privileged classmate had been butting heads ever since they met. Yugi was amused briefly, thinking that killing Kaiba in a Sims game, (regardless of what the press said about the effects of violent video games), was a step up from challenging him to fistfights. He lay down on the couch to watch.

"Don't you want to play?" Jounouchi asked.

"Nah. I can play it anytime I want, you go ahead."

"Cool. I wish I got games for my birthday. Instead Mom sends me clothes. Clothes! Do I look like someone who cares about clothes?"

"That might be why she continues to send you clothes," Yugi pointed out half-heartedly. "To replace the ones you rip."

"That's stupid. Sending me stuff that she knows I'm just going to wear out anyway…makes no sense."

Normally, this would be Yugi's cue to jump in with a joke about Jounouchi's rough-and-tumble lifestyle, but he just lay there quietly on the couch and watched Sim-Kaiba get crushed by a falling satellite.

Suspicious, Jounouchi put down the controller and spun around. "Alright, what's going on? You've been moping like this for days. Is this still about Yami? Because it seemed like you were doing better."

"I was."

"So what's up with the gloom now?"

Yugi sighed. He knew the words would sound whiny even before he said them, but he mumbled anyway, "I guess…I was hoping that he might contact me on my birthday. Even just a card or a phone message. But he didn't."

"I'm sure he thought of you and um…sent good thoughts," Jounouchi offered feebly.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter now."

"Maybe he was just someplace without a phone."

"I doubt that's why."

"Look, you did what you had to do. If he's still upset about it, that's his fault," Jounouchi said, somewhat exasperated.

_Everyone keeps saying that, but what if I didn't do the right thing_, Yugi thought. _He was hurt…maybe I _should_ have let go, but I shouldn't have blamed him. He really loved me and I made him believe I could support him…then I got scared and bolted, after I told him he could rely on me. I had no right to be angry at him for being upset. I'd just hurt him, of course he was upset. I never should have yelled…_

He knew he couldn't actually say all the words he was thinking. Jounouchi got skittish when it came to overly-emotional discussions. "I let my worry over Grandpa interfere with what I wanted to say when we broke up," he finally said. "I'd planned to have a speech made up, planned to talk it out rationally, but I was caught off-guard and just said a bunch of things… I pretty much blamed all my unhappiness on him."

"Well," Jounouchi said slowly, "you were unhappy because of him, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but I didn't have to be so mean about it." Yugi paused, plucking at the couch cover. "He was already all ripped up inside. I was afraid of that and I felt helpless and that made me say some pretty bad things. He deserved better than that."

"Maybe you could ask his mom if she's heard from him–"

"No. It's done, it's over. If he doesn't want to contact me, he doesn't have to."

Unspoken went another thought, one he'd only considered a few times in the darkest moments.  
_  
__If he's even alive._

The moment he thought it now, he pushed it aside. He couldn't think about that. Even knowing how far Yami had fallen. Even if it was something he'd worried about even before the break-up. He _couldn't _let his fears ever stray that way.

Jounouchi was watching him, an odd look in his eyes.

"This week's just been tough is all. I'll be fine," Yugi finally said. "I did what was right for me. I should have done it differently, but it's too late to change that. I can't start that cycle up again." He lowered his chin to the cushions, eyes downcast. "I shouldn't be hurt. After how I treated him, I've got no right to be hurt by this. But it really…" He trailed off, not bothering to finish.

Jounouchi watched him fidget with the cover, concerned. Yugi had been quiet and visibly devastated for awhile after the break-up, but he'd been getting better, back to his normal cheerful self. Seeing him slide back down into this funk again worried him.

"Why don't you try going on a date with someone? I know you weren't one for it before, but we've got some new students around this year. A couple guys even, you know, if you're still into that." Jounouchi was really doing his best to sound as if he was enthusiastic about dating. Yugi didn't have the heart to interrupt him. "I've seen at least one checking you out."

Yugi shook his head. "I know who you're talking about, his name is Touji. He asked me out the other day."

Jounouchi brightened. "And what did you say?"

"I said no, thanks."

His expression fell. "Why?"

"It would just be a rebound. It wouldn't be fair to accept a date and then admit that I've got no interest in a relationship."

"Oh."

Turning and stretching out on his back, Yugi said to the ceiling: "I guess it's true that you never get over a first love."

Uneasy, Jounouchi said, "Yugi…"

"Yami loved Shoua more than he could ever love me."

"You don't know that."

"I know he told Shoua he loved him. He never told me that. He could never open his heart to me, even though I gave him everything I had." He paused, continuing to stare upwards and murmuring, "everything," under his breath a second time.

"So…what if Yami came back? Would you take him back?" Jounouchi asked.

"Yami's not coming back." Yugi spotted Jounouchi's puzzled frown and shrugged. "He's got no reason to come back."

"Yugi, come on. He loved you."

"Not enough to make a difference in the end. I thought that, I thought maybe if he loved me enough I could save him, but that…it didn't happen."

"But let's say he did," Jounouchi insisted.

Yugi rolled over so that he wouldn't see his eyes. "Then the answer is no. I wouldn't. I…can't."

And that was harder for Jounouchi to sit there and listen to his friend say than anything else. This wasn't Yugi, this blank person with a mask and some sort of emotionless 'I don't care anymore' philosophy. That wasn't the kind of person his best friend was and it hurt to see him forcing it.

But what was worse was the knowledge that under the mask was pain. Pain that Yugi's pride wouldn't let Jounouchi touch or help with.

Jounouchi understood pride, but that didn't make it any easier to watch Yugi struggle to conceal his hurt behind it. Never in his life had he heard a "no" sound more like a "yes."

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes: **Touji is a reference to _Silver Diamond_. He and Yugi would be kinda cute, him with his feather poof hair and Yugi with his star poof hair.

My computer curled up and died with a virus or something today. It won't even boot up. I'm working off my back-up computer. Needless to say, I'm not in a particularly stable frame of mind. But I swore I'd update today and so an update it is.

I actually went back and re-read this whole fic the other day...there are scenes I'm still pleased with, but now I'm spotting all sorts of scenes that make me cringe and itch to re-write them. ^^; I guess, with every chapter fic, I find something to improve on. So in theory, about twenty fics from now, I might finally write one that I'm satisfied with the whole way though.


	24. Chapter 24

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 24  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

A sparse room with minty-green walls greeted Yami when he opened his eyes. His first assumption was that he must be in a hospital. There was a definite anti-bacterial scent in the air. Slowly, he sat up, expecting pain. To his shock, he didn't feel anything. Cautiously, he felt his abdomen and then pulled up his shirt, (he didn't recognize his clothes; they must be from the hospital, for they were the same minty-green color), but there was no sign of bandages or injury.

_How long have I been out?_

He'd been hit by a car and judging by how much it had hurt, it had to have been bad. Was it possible he'd been in a coma, and had already healed? But surely there would be a scar…

Baffled, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pondered the nearly empty room, (too empty, really, for a hospital room), but found no answers there. There was a single window on one wall that seemed to look out on a hallway. The window was a relief for some of his nervousness – the room was awfully small.

Only then did he realize how quiet it was. _Blissfully_ quiet. No voices, no memories, nothing but the sound of his own breathing and the bed squeaking. And for that matter, he didn't feel dizzy or sick to his stomach, either. He felt…

Really, he felt quite normal.

Getting up, (and marveling at how he didn't have to wobble and get his bearings), he walked over to the door and reached for the handle. He could flag down a nurse who would tell him what was going on. Or at least tell him the date.

His cheeriness faded as he tugged at the handle. It wouldn't open. Nervousness setting back in, he yanked harder, then tried throwing his weight against it. It still refused t budge.

_Why would they lock me in?_

He moved to the window and peered out. "Hello?" he said loudly, knocking on the glass. It was unusually thick for window glass. Maybe he couldn't be heard through it. He raised his voice. "Hello! Can anyone hear me? There's some mistake, I've been locked in…hello?" He pounded his fist against it a few times, more frantically now. "Anyone, please, I don't like this, could someone tell me what's going on?"

He saw a flash of movement at the end of the hall and saw a stout, middle-aged woman walking toward him. She didn't look much like a nurse, but she was wearing a uniform of a sort and at least she was proof that he wasn't all alone in this building. In relief, he waved through the window and tried to smile. She smiled back and approached the door. He stepped away from the window, feeling much calmer. Finally, someone who could answer his questions.

He heard the door click open, and the woman bustled inside, all smiles. "It's so lovely to see you up! And how are we feeling today?"

"Er…good, I guess," Yami said, slightly taken-aback.

"Oh, that's wonderful! Now, just a few quick questions before I bring you your lunch. What is your name?"

She had to be joking. "Well, Yami Atemu, the last time I checked," he said. "Can I ask you–"

"And the date?"

Yami shrugged. "Early June, 2010. I don't know the exact day. Now where–"

"That's understandable. And do you know where you are?"

"_No_," Yami said impatiently. "That's what I'm trying to ask you. I just woke up here. Why are you asking me all these things?"

Her smile, (which, he now noticed, was beginning to look patronizing), never wavered as she said, "We've started you on a new medication. I need to make sure that it isn't interfering with your cogency. It seems to have taken quite well."

"Medication?" he repeated.

"We will give you several more tests, but if you continue to perform at this high of a level we may only need to keep you for a few more weeks of observation, and then you can move to a halfway house. I'm sure you'll find it wonderful to be out and about."

"What the hell?" Yami demanded. "What about the car crash? Where is Yugi?"

"What car crash?" she asked, playing along, though her perky demeanor faded just slightly.

"The accident! I stepped off the sidewalk and got hit by a car. I heard Yugi's voice before it happened and looked up and there was a car coming at me and it hit. Then I woke up here. Is this a hospital? Why don't I have any scars or injuries? If it's still June, then I haven't been out nearly long enough for them to have faded."

"Oh, that was probably a dream," she said, still smiling. "Medications do tend to give people very vivid dreams."

"What are you saying? It wasn't a dream. If it was, then why am I in the hospital? This is a hospital, right?"

"Yes, this is the Nagano Prefecture Psychiatric Hospital. Your mother, bless her, brought you here last August when you began to endanger yourself. She'll be very happy to know that you've taken to the new treatment so well."

Yami stared at her. "_What the fuck_ are you talking about?"

"Excuse me?" More of her bubbliness faded away.

"You're saying I've been here for nearly a year," he said. "That isn't possible. I met Yugi on September first and I've lived with him since October up until a few months ago. And before that I was homeless. There's no way I was here, not if it's still June."

She shook her head, smoothing her uniform. "No, no, I'm afraid you're mistaken. You have certainly been here since last year; I was here when you were brought in. You were very sick. It was a difficult case, after every medication you would relapse. We've finally tried a brand-new drug on the market, which you seem to have taken to. Your mother has been so worried, maybe we can call her later and have her come visit, would that be nice?"

"No," he said flatly. "What would be nice is if you would tell me how I've been here, and at Yugi's, at the same time."

"I don't know who Yugi is, dear. Maybe he's an old friend? Or you might have made him up in your dream."

"I didn't make him up, he was real! And the car crash was real, too!"

"We tried some very strong medications, it's very likely that you hallucinated or just imagined these things. It's normal, it happens to everyone. What's important is that you're doing much better now. Would you like me to bring you some lun–"

"Yugi wasn't a hallucination," Yami snarled. "He was real. Here–" He pulled up his left sleeve, saying, "I have a scar, from when Ezui was harassing us, and I fought him, see–?"

His fingers brushed his arm where the scar should be, but felt nothing. Confused, he twisted around, trying to get a good look at his arm. The skin was unmarked; there was no sign of the old glass scar.

"I don't understand," he muttered, rubbing at his skin. "It was right here, it didn't just fade, that isn't possible."

The nurse reached out to take his arm and tried to guide him toward the bed to sit down. "It's okay, don't worry. I told you the dreams are very vivid, you aren't the first person to believe they were real–"

Yami jerked away. "But Yugi– my job, my room, Ezui, jail, the fight, the car crash…all of those things cannot just be hallucinations! _Yugi_ was not a hallucination! He was too...too great, too perfect, to have been just a dream. It isn't possible– _I love him_, he was not some goddamned hallucination!"

Looking alarmed now, the woman backpedaled and said, "Please calm down, it's all right." Yami glared at her and saw her reach for a small device clipped to her clothing. Moments later two large orderlies burst through the doorway. Before Yami could take in what was happening, they had grabbed him and forced him down on the cot. He fought back, struggling to get away, but he felt restraints being buckled over his legs. Panic set in.

"Stop it! Let go!" He thrashed, hoping to break their hold. "Stop!"

They were too strong. He stopped fighting for a moment, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. Was it all just a dream? Had there been no boy named Yugi, no long afternoons laughing and talking, no first kiss, no anything…? Was he simply insane?

_How could he be an illusion? Everything that happened, everything we shared, how could all of that not exist?_

He'd believed in those moments, in those memories…

_If being insane means Yugi exists to me…I don't want to get better. I'd rather just stay insane._

Yugi, real or not, had made him smile. Yugi had brought him happiness.

_I love him._

And then he realized that these people were the ones making him normal. They'd taken away his world with Yugi. If he just escaped from here, maybe Yugi would come back. With renewed strength he lashed out, trying to escape his bonds.

Suddenly, pain bolted through his body. He went rigid, crying out.

"Stop, that hurts! What are you doing? Stop it…it hurts, _damn it, stop…it really hurts_!"

"_I want haloperidol, now,_" he heard a voice ordering.

"_He's already torn those sutures–_"

"_I'm more concerned about the chest tube, we'll take care of the sutures in a moment– is the IV back in?_"

His head reeling, feeling almost sick with pain, he closed his eyes. He re-opened them to see a vague flurry of motion. A sleepy, liquid calmness was coming over him. He stopped fighting. His limbs felt heavy.

"What…" he tried to ask the blurry people around him. "What…is happening to me?"

They didn't answer. His eyes slid shut. His thoughts faded away. The world vanished again.

* * *

When he opened his eyes the next time, he was in an entirely different place.

The room was still small, but these walls were white and this room, unlike the last, was cluttered with machines. He tried to sit up, made it a few centimeters, and was forced back down a second later from a sudden ache across his midriff. A rig beside the bed jangled and he looked to his left to see an IV hooked in his arm. Another clip was hooked to his finger, and yet another apparatus rested on his chest, leading to tubes in his nose. Another tube, that he couldn't quite see, seemed to be coming out of his body on his right side, right under his arm.

This _had_ to be a hospital. But was he someplace else entirely, or just in a medical wing of the other place?

Moving his head didn't seem to invite any pain, so he slowly glanced from one side of the room to the other, looking for clues. A buzzer rested on a desk close by his right hand. Slowly, he inched his hand closer to it, pressed and held it down until footsteps outside told him someone was coming. A young man in nurse's scrubs came in and smiled at him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Shitty," Yami managed to spit, having no patience for more friendly, overly-cheery people. "Where am I? Is this the mental hospital?"

"No, this is Nagano Municipal Hospital." He studied the monitors beside the bed, apparently pleased by what he saw. "You were brought here yesterday evening. You've already been into surgery and your vital signs look good, I'll have the doctor come in to give you all the details and a possible timetable for being transferred. Do you feel like you can drink something?"

Yami stared at him a moment, then slowly reached across himself with his right hand, (wincing as he did) and gasped his arm. He could feel the scarred patch of skin from the glass wound, right where it should be.

_So that was just a dream_, he thought with relief. _I was never in the mental hospital, and Yugi is real. Everything was real._

"Yes," he finally said. "I think I would like a drink."

The nurse nodded. "Okay, I'll be right back."

Yami relaxed and closed his eyes. He still felt somewhat sleepy. He expected to be in more pain that this, and assumed they must have him on drugs. It was fine, certainly preferable to the agony he'd been in before. He would be all right, especially now with his mind at ease. Yugi was real.

Then his thoughts, which had been almost euphoric for a moment, suddenly turned dark.

_Not that it matters, I guess._

He knew Yugi couldn't have really been there when he got hit. It was just a memory of the time Yugi had called out to him when Ezui was about to stab him. His instincts had probably sensed he was in danger, but he was so messed up and confused that the only way to warn him had been by using a memory. Yugi was actually far away, and they were broken up. It didn't make a difference if he was real or not.

He wondered if the hospital had called his mother. He wondered if she would tell Yugi. No, he figured, she probably wouldn't. She'd made it clear that she didn't think he and Yugi's lives should be intertwined anymore either.

The nurse returned with a small glass of juice, allowing him to take small sips. A half hour later the doctor, a very studious-looking woman, entered and introduced herself as Dr. Hayashi.

"Feel free to ask me any questions you have," she said as she glanced at his chart.

"Okay. What happened after the accident? How bad am I hurt?"

"You were brought in with internal bleeding, fractured ribs, and a collapsed lung. There was concern of a concussion, but you seem to have escaped that. We have a chest tube already in place to stabilize your lung, that is the tube on the right. You tore some sutures early this morning, but they were quickly fixed. We will have to keep you here for a few weeks, but if your signs remain stable you will probably be out of the ICU in a day or so."

Yami considered this, as well as the fact that they probably wouldn't keep him on whatever drugs were keeping him calm right now. "Then to a recovery room?"

"Yes."

"How big are those?"

"It's a large room. You'll be sharing it with other people." She met his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I'm claustrophobic. I panic in small rooms when I'm stressed out, and I'm feeling pretty stressed. Chances are it's going to happen eventually."

She smiled. "I'll see about finding you a bed beside a window, would that help?"

"Thanks. I would appreciate that."

She checked his injuries, blood pressure and other vitals, and jotted some notes on the chart. As she was about to leave, Yami thought of something else and said, "Wait, I have another question."

"What's that?"

"Have you called anyone? Does my mom know?"

"We identified your next-of-kin this morning. Your mother has been notified."

"Okay. Thanks. Nobody else knows? I mean…has anyone called about me?"

"I'm not sure. The receptionist will have a nurse report any calls to you."

"Oh. Okay." Yami closed his eyes as the door closed, unsure if he felt relieved or disappointed. _Yugi probably doesn't even know. There's no reason he'd call._

A few days later he was moved to a recovery room, beside a window as promised. While recuperating his roommates tried to introduce themselves, but he couldn't find it in himself to make friends. Eve had arrived the day after he woke up and when he wasn't evading her questions about what had led to the accident, he spent his time with the curtains around his bed drawn, staring out at the street below, trying not to think too much about his situation. With sleep and proper nourishment, his thoughts were coherent again. With the coherency returned his ability to focus for long hours on things that left him feeling anxious and depressed.

He thought a lot about his dream, especially after a psychiatrist came to see him. The moment he identified himself, (Dr. Jiro, of the psychiatric and mental health ward) Yami steeled himself for the worst.

"Come to lock me up?"

"I have no intention of locking you up," he had replied. "May I sit down?"

Yami gestured toward a chair. "Go ahead."

"Thank you." He sat, maintaining a friendly air. "I've been told you're claustrophobic."

"News travels fast."

"You told a nurse it was because you were in the southern earthquake four years ago, is that right?"

Yami sighed. "Yes. You could probably make quite an interesting case study out of me."

"Are any of your problems related to why you were standing in the street?"

"I guess, in a round-about way. I wasn't there on purpose, if that's what you're asking. I didn't realize I was in the street." Yami appraised him. "Look, if you're going to lock me up, just tell me."

Dr. Jiro straightened up. "As I said, we have no intention of locking you up, not unless you give us a reason, and we don't have one. I am just here as a visitor."

"Oh. Heard there was a messed up person around and needed to get involved, huh?"

If the bitterness in Yami's voice stung, Dr. Jiro didn't show it. "I'm here if there is anything you would like to talk about, or would like help with."

Yami shrugged. "I don't think you've got all the answers I need. Not right now."

"I understand. If that's how you feel, I'll let you return to your rest." Dr. Jiro stood and handed him a card. "I've been told your residence is not near here. I have some colleagues closer to Domino. Feel free to call me if you'd like me to put you in touch with them. They are all good people and some of them have a great deal of experience with treating post-traumatic stress and its symptoms."

Yami took the card. He had used his mother's address for the hospital forms, and assumed that's where he'd gotten the residence information. "Thanks."

"I hope you have a speedy recovery. If you should decide that there is anything I may be able to help with, don't hesitate to ask someone to send me a message. I may come by and visit again when I get a chance. It can be rather lonely in recovery if your family lives far away."

"Okay."

The doctor exited, leaving Yami feeling more mixed up than before. He set the card on the table beside the bed and closed his eyes.

So now the psych ward was showing an interest in him…he supposed he should have expected it eventually. Normal, healthy people didn't just randomly stand in traffic. They also probably didn't hear voices.

He knew he'd been getting steadily worse. Maybe it really was only a matter of time before his dream was what he was destined to become. It wasn't a big leap from a visit from a psychiatrist to a locked room. Insane, drugged, kept restrained away from the world. It was rock bottom and he was starting to realize how close to it he was getting.

And he thought about how, when faced with the possibility of Yugi vanishing from his life – from the world – he was able to say the words he'd been afraid of for years without any flashbacks or pain. The words Yugi had always so desperately wanted to hear.

_It doesn't matter_, he tried to tell himself._ It doesn't matter if that's what I turn into. Yugi isn't here anymore. He let me go._

The only sign of Yugi he had seen in months was that one memory, just before the accident. At the time he'd believed – or maybe just desperately hoped – that it really had been Yugi. He knew better now.

It had been a few days before he could bring himself to ask his mom if she'd told Yugi about the accident. Even when he asked the question he could feel his heart racing, unsure which answer he was more scared of.

She had shaken her head and asked, "No, do you want me to?"

For a moment, he almost said yes. But when he opened his mouth, the word "no" tumbled out first, and he couldn't make himself take it back.

Still, he couldn't help a fond, sad thought:

_He really did want to help me. Even in my memories he's still looking out for me. Always trying to help, always giving me second chances._

He gazed out the window. He'd figured out long ago that the universe didn't care. It could move along with or without him and be just fine. It didn't care if he survived, if he went insane, if he was happy. He'd told himself he would make his own life and not sit around waiting on the universe to help, but like or not, he had found himself doing that anyway, thinking time would fix everything.

Yugi had cared. Honest to goodness loved him for who he was, broken pieces and all. He'd been an idiot not to see it until it was too late.  
_  
__I wonder what would have happened if the car had killed me._

He thought that Eve probably would tell Yugi if that happened. She would think that he deserved the right to say good-bye. But would Yugi mourn?

_He would. Even if I hurt him, he cared about me, even at the end. He would be sad if I died. He would care, he always cared. I should have told him how important that was. Why didn't I ever tell him?_

If he had died, even if Yugi forgave him and was ever willing to speak to him again, he wouldn't be there to speak to. Even if there was a chance that Yugi would take him back, or a chance that he could get better…he would never be able to take it if he was dead.

He yawned and closed his eyes.

_That dream doesn't have to be my fate, does it?_

He'd thought that, before. Believed that the nightmares were the only fate he could have. The only fate he deserved. Ending up here, it just seemed like proof that he'd been right.

_Don't I have a chance now? I'm still alive. That's something._

Second chances didn't come around that often. The universe seemed to have tossed one his way, but it wouldn't care what he did with it.

He could give in. It was easier. God, did he know it was easier. Settle down in a nice padded room with medicine to make the days fly by, or find another car to stand in front of and enjoy that blessed empty silence, maybe forever this time. In some ways, death wasn't his worst option. Despite his mother's concern, she wasn't going to save him. Yugi couldn't save him. Shoua was damning him. Running bought him some comfort in the form of familiar pain, pain he'd learned how to function with, but how long could that last? Especially when, ever since losing Yugi, even the familiar ache had a new, sharper edge to it.

The point of no return was close enough that he could reach out and feel it. There wasn't much further he could fall; such a short distance couldn't hurt much. The sooner he got there, the sooner he could finally rest.

It might not be better, it might not be honorable, but maybe there he could find at least a moment of peace. And the only cost…

Freedom. Life. All his mother's effort. Yugi's love and trust. Himself.

It would only cost him everything.

If giving in was a _choice_ though, that meant there had to be an opposite path, and not just a theoretical one. The options had to be equally possible for them to count as "choices."

It was late, and his head hurt, and his body and mind were tired. He pushed the thoughts away in favor of the comfort of a dreamless, drugged sleep.

But as he was falling asleep, he wondered, _what is the cost of the opposite path?_

_

* * *

_

"Grandpa? What are you doing?"

Sugoroku shifted uneasily behind the counter. "I'm working."

Yugi frowned. "You're supposed to be taking an afternoon nap, the doctor said so!"

"I'm not tired," he said stubbornly. "And I have a store to run."

His grandson marched over and took his arm, pulling him upright. "You have to rest! You don't want to have another heart attack, do you?"

"I'm sitting down!"

"I know you won't just sit here and not move, you'll insist on finding and carrying things for people. Go upstairs and relax and stop overexerting yourself! I'll watch the store."

Grumbling, his grandfather made his way back upstairs. Yugi took his place behind the counter with a sigh.

His grandfather hadn't taken kindly to his new schedule of rest and relaxation. He'd been out of the hospital for months, he said, and there was no reason to continue to live this "old man" lifestyle. Every day Yugi found him trying to work when he was supposed to be taking his agreed-upon daily rest. And Yugi might have let it slide – knowing that there wasn't a lot of stress in the game store business – but he had discovered that working was an excellent way to keep his mind busy and off other things. So he continued to encourage the afternoon rests.

A few moments later a mother and daughter came over to ask about getting a game out of one of the locked cases.

"Sure, which one did you want?" Yugi said, smiling and fetching the key. As he bent to unlock the case, he heard the store's doorbell jingle and said, without looking up, "I'll be with you in a moment." He took out the video game that the daughter wanted, handed it to her, and locked the case. As he turned back toward the counter, he caught sight of the person who had walked in and stopped in his tracks. They met eyes. His heart began to pound.

"Yami?"

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Happy Columbus Day, Canadian Thanksgiving, and National Coming Out Day. =3

In the US the basic test for cogency is name, date, and location…I'm not sure what they would ask in Japan so I went with what I knew. I'll fully acknowledge that may all be wildly inaccurate, but…it was a dream so…loophole? xD

I'm concerned the ending is rather cliché…but I'm kind of fond of it. ^^; I'm a sucker for those ending-a-chapter-with-a-major-confrontation-about-to-happen tropes. Stick one in a book and you're guaranteed to get me to keep reading.

Oh Yami. That boy sure can angst. ^^;


	25. Chapter 25

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 25  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.  
**

* * *

**

Yami raised one hand in a sort of hesitant wave. "Hi."

For a moment, all Yugi felt was traitorous relief. Yami's frame had gone from thin to gaunt and there were fading bruises on his face and long scrapes down his right arm, but he was _alive_. In spite of everything, that fact released some of the strain on Yugi's heart. It was also proof that he was too weak to risk pleasantries.

Stiffly, he asked, "Who told you to come back?"

"Nobody. I'm here on my own."

"Right." Yugi finally forced one foot in front of the other and walked by him, heading for the desk.

"Yugi–"

"Just leave, Yami," he shot over his shoulder. "You shouldn't be here." He turned to the mother and daughter and made a valiant effort to smile. "Will– will this be all?"

His hands were shaking so hard that it took several tries to run the woman's credit card through the machine and he couldn't even get a bag open. Frustrated, clammy sweat beading on the back of his neck, he plucked at the plastic with increasingly rough movements, dropping it several times. Finally, the woman took pity on him and said, "It's okay, we don't need a bag."

"Oh. Okay," he said faintly. "Um…here's your receipt then. Have…have a good day."

"Thank you."

As the family left, Yugi forced himself to look back up. Yami was still standing there.

"I told you to leave," he said, feeling a little better now with a counter between them and without an audience.

"I have some things I need to say."

"Well…I'm busy," Yugi returned.

Yami didn't budge, though his eyes did roam the empty store for a moment, before returning to Yugi. "You got to say everything you wanted to say when we broke up. I didn't. I want a chance to talk."

"You had a chance," Yugi said, struggling for composure. "You had a million chances."

"I didn't see them then," Yami said. "I thought I was losing you. I couldn't see anything else."

Yugi swallowed. He refused to meet Yami's eyes, but could feel them watching him. "You were never losing me. If you would have just listened to me you would have known that."

"I know. I mean…I know that now."

"So you're telling me that you've changed, is that it?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying," Yami said. "Or…at least, I'm ready to change. I can do the right thing now."

Yugi turned his head away. "Some people don't change," he said softly.

"I know, but–"

"There were plenty of times that you said or acted like you would and I believed you, but the only change you made was to become more and more closed-off."

Yami didn't try to deny it. "I made mistakes. I didn't know what I was doing. And you left before I could come to terms with it."

"You're the one who left," Yugi snapped, trying to ignore the sudden lurch in his chest – and the urge to give in. "You took all your things and vanished!"

"I thought that was what you wanted!" Yami said, raising his voice.

"Then you don't listen very well! I wanted to _help_ you; I didn't want to _lose_ you!"

Yami didn't reply. Yugi sighed, feeling more exhausted than ever.

"Yami…I was upset and scared, and I took some of that out on you. I said some things I didn't mean and I'm sorry. But you knew I loved you. You knew…and you still didn't trust me. I told you that you needed to let me in. You're the one who decided you would rather leave; that was _your_ choice. Now go away, please. I can't settle just because you come in here and tell me you're better. I can't put myself through that again." He turned away, putting his back to Yami so that Yami couldn't see his wet eyes. "Please, just go away and don't come back here anymore."

"Yugi…"

Yugi waited several long moments before he turned. Yami was still standing there, a strange expression on his face, his lips parted slightly as if he was teetering on the verge of speaking.

"I told you to leave," Yugi choked.

"Yugi, I–" Yami's breath hitched, killing his voice. His skin had gone clammy as his reflexes resisted.

_No, I don't want to see that again. Those words bring it back, those words make it real._

"I…"

_They'll make it come back. They'll make it real again._

That time, something inside him pushed back.

_It's a memory_, he snarled at himself. _It's _my_ damn memory and _I_ control it._

Before the inner voice could recover, he met Yugi's eyes. "I– I love you."

He saw Yugi's body suddenly tense. Yugi's eyes widened, unspoken thoughts flashing across them. "What?"

The words flowed more easily now, tumbling out in a rush. "I love you. I know…you wanted to hear that from me. I'm sorry I couldn't say it back then. I'm sorry I didn't try. I'm sorry I didn't fight. I should have."

"Why now?" Yugi mumbled, more to himself than anyone, but Yami answered anyway.

"If something happens…I need to know that I told you. I can't stand thinking I never told you how much it all meant to me."

Yugi's head shot sharply up and his face seemed to go a bit paler. The movement startled Yami and for a moment he waited, but Yugi didn't react beyond that.

His heart sinking, Yami turned away.

"I…that's all…that I wanted to say, I guess. I'll go now."

Then he saw something move out of the corner of his eye and turned back to see Yugi stepping forward toward him.

His heart swelling with hope, he stepped forward too and reached out. Only at the last second, as he stretched a bit too far, did he realize that wasn't a good idea.

"Ow!" He crumpled to the floor. There was barely time to think of how ridiculous he must have looked before he heard Yugi asking "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he said with a grimace, looking up to see Yugi now kneeling in front of him, reaching out to touch his face and tilt up his chin, unmistakable concern in his eyes.

"What happened?"

"I…have some injuries. I shouldn't have stretched so much, but I'm okay, see?" He sat up a little straighter, trying not to wince noticeably.

Yugi didn't share his happiness. "What do you mean, 'injuries'?"

"Stitches…and cracked ribs."

"What?" Yugi demanded, his hand still resting on his face. Yami felt his fingers tighten on his skin. "How did that happen? Are you okay? Why didn't you say anything?"

Yami just looked happy. Yugi's tirade died away. "What?"

He could barely speak around his smile. "You're worried about me. You still care."

Yugi's face flushed. Against his will, the memory of his conversation with Jounouchi returned to him. _I can't._ He began to move his hand away.

"Yami, it doesn't matter if I do. It doesn't change anything."

Yami reached out and took his hand before he could pull it back.

"You said it had to be my choice to come here. So I'm here. All I'm asking…is to let me talk. I promise I'm not going to ask you for anything else. You don't have to forgive me or want me around, just give me one chance to explain."

Yugi met his eyes. "Why? In case something 'happens to you?'"

They'd been together too long for Yami not to notice the way Yugi's voice rose slightly, and he realized how foolish it had been to toss out a phrase like that. "No, because I owe it to you. I've been afraid to get too close to you because I was afraid of what might happen and what I might remember. I'm still afraid of that, but…I've learned that's not the worst that could happen. I know what the worst is now. For everything you did for me, you deserve an explanation."

Yugi smiled, just a little, and seemed about to speak when they were interrupted by the door opening. They both turned. The man who had entered stared back, looking puzzled.

Yugi quickly let go of Yami's hand and stood up. "Hi…um, if you'll wait one second, I'll get someone to help you," he said quickly, backpedaling toward the stairs.

Yami, (who had also gotten up, albeit more slowly), stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do until Yugi glanced at him and asked, "Are you coming?"

Wordlessly, he followed him upstairs and reached the living room in time to hear Yugi saying, "Okay Grandpa, you've got a reprieve. Go back to work."

"Oh, thank God." Sugoroku stood up. "What happened to make you–" He stopped, going silent as he saw Yami by the doorway.

Yami offered an uncertain smile, not sure how Yugi's family would receive him. "Hello."

"Well hello Yami…this is a surprise."

"I'm…I'm glad to see you look well," Yami said, for lack of anything better.

"It's good to see you, too. Take all the time talking you'd like, boys." Without another word, he left the room. Yugi picked up the remote and turned the TV off. Yami stayed where he was.

"Grandpa hates the doctor's lifestyle orders," Yugi finally said.

"Oh. Well…he always was very active. He looks good. The…surgery helped?"

"It went great."

The slight comfort that had begun to reappear during their conversation downstairs had vanished. With the topic of their last fight hanging silently over them, they stood awkwardly until Yugi motioned to the couch and said, "Do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah, thanks." Carefully, he lowered himself to cushions. Yugi sat beside him, leaving a few feet between them. Again, it was he who spoke first:

"So are you going to tell me? About how you got hurt?"

"It's not really important. We've got…other stuff we need to talk about."

"And we have time to talk about it," Yugi said impatiently. "First I want to know how you got hurt."

Yami was struck silent. "But–"

"I asked you a question. I want an answer."

"A car accident," he finally said. "I got hit by a car."

Yugi's expression grew stricken. "When did this happen?"

"A few weeks ago."

"But how?" Yugi thought back to his concern over how Yami would handle the break-up, and that enigmatic phrase _'if something happens…'_ and his chest constricted in fear. "You weren't– it wasn't on purpose…was it?"

Yami shook his head. "No. it was an accident. I was in…in a bad way. I didn't know I was in the road."

"In a bad way…because of me?"

"No, not because of you. It would have happened eventually. There was nothing you could have done."

Yugi still looked unhappy. The guilt he'd been fighting off for three months, that he had been convincing himself he shouldn't feel because he'd _done the right thing_, had returned. Did the right thing include abandoning Yami before the worst happened?

Yami gazed at him. "You're unhappy. I've only been here twenty minutes and I've already made you sad."

"No, you didn't do anything. I was just thinking…there were a lot of things I shouldn't have said to you. If you'd been hurt worse and never recovered, then…" He shook his head. "I'm all mixed up right now. Sorry."

"No. You were right. Everything you said…I was upset because I knew that you were right. I'm glad you confronted me. I don't want you hiding unhappiness."

"I don't want you hiding unhappiness, either," Yugi said, fixing him with a much stronger look. "You said you weren't going to hide things from me. So can I ask you now…who is Shoua?"

He could see the fear in Yami's eyes and almost expected him to brush him off. However, after a moment of silence, Yami took a deep breath and said, "Shoua was my best friend. We grew up together. I wasn't one of those kids who had tons of friends in school, but it never mattered because he was always with me. We promised to travel and go to the same college after high school. They were childish dreams…but they were fun to plan. Whenever I thought about the future, he was in it." His voice softened a little. "We had our fights and rough patches, but there was always something special about him. He didn't mind hugging me or talking about how important we were to each other, even if his friends laughed at him. Then in junior high I started to realize I was gay and everything got weird. My family was fairly open, I wasn't scared of them kicking me out, but for the first time I had to keep a secret from Shoua."

Yugi, unconsciously, moved a little closer to him on the couch. "Because you had deeper feelings for him, didn't you?"

"I told myself I was just confused, because I'd only just come to terms with it," Yami said. "I thought I was just mistaking deep friendship for romantic love. Maybe I was, I don't know. I just knew I couldn't tell him. We slept over at each other's houses, we'd taken showers together as kids, we had all these plans about being roommates…and he wouldn't have understood. If he knew I was gay and that I might have a crush on him, he would have thought it was weird. He might have ended our friendship completely. Some of the other guys were already saying I wasn't normal." He shrugged listlessly. "So I tried not to act weird. I stopped hugging him. I tried to feign an interest in girls. I stopped encouraging our talks. He knew I was acting different, but he never asked why. I guess he assumed we were outgrowing our closeness. But there was this wall, you know? Suddenly there was this wall between us that we'd never had before and it hurt.

"On the day…of the earthquake…that morning Shoua told me he felt a weird pain in his chest. A sharp, shooting pain. I got really worried; something bad happening to him was my worst fear and what with everything being weird between us, I just worried more. He said it was probably nothing, but I forgot about trying to be normal. I pleaded with him all morning to go see the nurse. Finally he agreed to go, just so I would calm down. Then a little while later…the earthquake happened. You know the rest. The school collapsed. We were trapped inside and were dug out later. The nurse's office was gone. The ceiling had caved in and…Shoua was in there and…" He shook his head as he trailed off, tightening his jaw.  
Silently, Yugi moved closer and took his hand with both of his own. Yami jumped at the contact, but Yugi felt him curl his fingers over his as he found his voice to continue.

"I didn't find out 'til the next day. There was a field…where all the dead were brought as they were found. I'd just seen some of my family and I was walking, trying to forget what I saw. Then I spotted Shoua's parents. I went over to ask them where he was and…he was there. He…barely even looked like himself."

"I'm sorry," Yugi said gently. Even knowing how the story ended hadn't prepared him for hearing it. He felt his eyes stinging. As Yami struggled for composure, something occurred to him. "You told him then…didn't you? You told him you loved him. It was his body you saw when you tried to tell me."

Yami nodded. He managed to speak: "How could I…say the words to you that I've only said once before, to the person I killed?"

"Yami, no, you didn't kill–"

He wasn't listening. His voice had gained back some control. "His mother just kept asking, 'why was he in the nurse's office?' It was all she could say, over and over. I couldn't tell them it was my fault. I ran, after that. I never even told them how sorry I was; I never told them why they'd lost him. Mom…she figured out what was wrong pretty quickly. She knew how I felt about him. She didn't know it was my fault though, she told me it was just an accident. Just an accident, _just an accident_…no matter how many times someone says it, it doesn't change the fact that he only died because I made him leave. Then of course, months later, I found out that chest pains like those are common for teenagers. He was never in any danger." He choked on a pained, bitter bark of a laugh, gritting his teeth as his ill-held-back sobs caused his body to shake and his sore ribs to hurt. Small sounds escaped his throat as he wrapped his free arm around his middle.

Yugi held his hand tighter. He'd seen despair in Yami's face before, more than once, but it wasn't despair there now. It was worse; it was anger and pain, the fury of a person who hated himself for surviving. And it cut deep to Yugi's heart to realize this was an enemy he'd never seen. While he'd been trying to fight off Yami's sadness and loneliness and fears, he'd never realized there was hatred under it all. "It's okay. It's okay, Yami." Gently, he rested one hand on his shoulder, holding him steady.

"He's haunting me," Yami whispered hoarsely. "In my nightmares, in my mind, in my hallucinations…he's there. I can hear him." He gulped air in wet, rough breaths. "He stood right there–" Yami released himself and held out a shaking hand to point toward the center of the room. "He was there, and told me I would…kill you n-next. And then you appeared…and you…died blaming me."

Yugi was silent a moment, realizing Yami was referring to what had happened when he wasn't sleeping. It was the first time he'd been told what he'd seen and the first time Yami had admitted to hearing things. "Yami, those were hallucinations. They weren't real."

"I caused it," Yami murmured, his voice choked with grief. "I caused everything."

"You didn't cause anything. It _was_ an accident. He was in just as much danger in your classroom, the fact that you survived was luck and chance." Yami was shaking his head as Yugi spoke and Yugi finally moved his hand from his shoulder to hold his face still. "Yami, listen to me. Your guilt is what's causing your dreams; it's what causes hallucinations and voices when you're weak. Shoua isn't haunting you. Sometimes bad things just happen…you didn't do anything to cause it."

Yami squeezed his eyes shut. Again, the answer that it was just an accident; just bad luck. There was nobody to blame…nobody at all? He was supposed to accept that there was nobody in the world he could be angry at, nobody he could hate for what happened? It was easier to blame himself. At least it gave him _someone_ to turn his anger on. Guilt was better than helplessness, anything was better than helplessness.

Yugi moved closer, right up beside him, and laid his head on his shoulder, holding his hand with both of his own now. "He doesn't hate you."

"How…how do you know?"

"Because he cared about you and about your concern for him. He knows you loved him and you wanted him to be happy. If he was truly your friend, he understands and he would never hurt you this way. I know, because I wouldn't."

"But he was right. I hurt you."

"He was right because you believed it. You thought your dreams had to mean something real, but you let your fear make them real. They didn't have to be. And they don't have to be anymore. If you just forgive yourself…"

Yami's thoughts drifted back to his dream about the asylum. A dream, maybe, but also a very real future.

"I don't want…to be locked away alone," he whispered. His tears escaped freely from under dark lashes as he leaned into Yugi. "I don't want that."

Yugi wrapped one arm gently around his shoulders, careful not to squeeze too hard, and held him still as he cried and he closed his eyes. Some tears of his own fell, for Yami, for himself and for a boy he would never meet; and he found himself silently begging the universe, pleading words he'd heard Yami saying once before. The first time he'd seen Yami scared, he'd heard Yami whispering. He hadn't understood then and even now he couldn't be entirely sure what Yami had seen at that moment in the diner. But he understood the desperation in the words.

_Make it stop. Please make the pain stop._

_

* * *

_

Yugi felt when Yami's shaking began to subside, but didn't lift his head right away. He wanted to give Yami a chance to compose himself. It wasn't long, however, before he was startled upright by the feeling of fingers brushing through his hair.

Yami's eyes were bloodshot and the lids puffy, but his gaze was steady. "Hey."

Yugi slowly released him. "How…how are you doing?"

"Okay, I think."

"You sure?"

Yami nodded slowly, sniffling, wiping his splotched cheeks. "Y-yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Um…do you…have any tissues?"

Yugi felt guilty for not offering them sooner and jumped up to grab a box. He returned to his place beside him as Yami quietly said "thanks," and made an attempt to clean off his face. They sat in awkward silence until he finished and asked, "What happens now?"

Yugi didn't know what to say. For the first time he was beginning to realize just how close they were. He scooted away. "I don't know," he answered. "Is there anything else…that you wanted to tell me?"

Yami rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I guess not. I mean…I came here mostly because I wanted…to explain. That was the most important thing." He fiddled with an unraveling string on his sleeve.

"Nothing else?" Yugi asked.

"Just things I promised I wouldn't ask for," he finally said.

The person he'd been trying to be for three months screamed at him for it, but Yugi said it anyway. "You can ask. It's okay."

His voice was shaking again, as he dreaded the response he might receive. "I guess I wanted to know if all of your feelings for me are gone. Regardless of my mistakes…I never stopped caring about you. I never…stopped missing you. I know time has passed, and you don't have to take me back as your partner, but if I could try to earn your friendship again, even that–? Or is it too late?"

Yugi was silent for a long moment. Yami could see the contemplation, the fear, and the desperate search for the right answer in his eyes, but it was nothing compared to the war that was taking place inside Yugi's mind.

There had been a few days, after all, when Yugi had felt normal. A few days when he'd found himself enjoying life and knew deep down that even though his heart wasn't healed yet, it would be eventually. He knew a part of him would always wonder where Yami was and what had happened to him, but had accepted he could live with it. Yami had been his first love; it was probably okay to always love him in some way. Whatever he tried to hide from Jounouchi and even himself, he couldn't erase their history or his feelings, but he'd begun to feel like it was something he could deal with.

He'd accepted it, or at least he had begun to, and believed he would fully be able to eventually. Friendship wouldn't work, he wasn't tough enough for that yet and he wasn't foolish enough to think that he could ignore feelings still so close to the surface. Giving in, letting Yami back in, would mean turning his back on all the healing he'd made progress with.

As if he hadn't let Yami already get dangerously close to his heart in the last few hours anyway. If he honestly wanted Yami to go, he never would have sat and listened to the story or let Yami tell him he still loved him.

The words were still ringing in his head. _I love you_. They were the words he'd waited on for so long. And it was pathetic, really, how even in the middle of all this turmoil they made him feel like smiling.

So yes, yes of course he wanted to take Yami back. He'd have to be a better liar if he was going to convince himself he didn't, but the mantra he'd consoled himself with for the last few months continued to play:

_I have to do what is best for me._

Not for Yami. For himself. And he had never been much good at recognizing, much less doing, the best thing for himself. If he had, he would have made Yami leave a long time ago. That selfishness thing, it was a bitch. His health depended on him thinking of only himself, but his conscience hated himself for abandoning someone in need…especially someone he cared for.

_Can't there be a middle point? Can't there be something that is best for both of us? Or would that just be giving in?_

"I would be lying," he finally said quietly, "if I…told you I wanted you gone. You– you said it yourself. I still care. I can't settle, though. I can't forget what happened. I can't settle for things being the way they were."

"And I can't lie to you," Yami said. "I didn't find any miracle answer that fixed everything while I was gone."

"Things have to change," Yugi said, refusing to give in.

"I want to change."

"No, wanting isn't good enough." He looked up at him desperately. "You…you have to. I realize…I don't have the right to tell you that you aren't allowed to be the way you are. You have a reason, a really good reason, and if I was in your shoes I'd probably be the same way. But you really…really have to try. You can't just want to, you have to. Otherwise…things could go right back to the cycle before and they can't be that way again."

Yami nodded. "I know."

Yugi bit his lip, struggling to remain calm. Miracle answers or not, Yami had obviously realized Yugi was important to him for him to come back to explain, even knowing this would be the eventual result. The least he could do was be respectful. He owed it to him after the way he'd acted last time. Life had, for some reason, given him a second chance to say good-bye and Yugi was determined to do it right this time.

Yami had kept quiet while Yugi thought, looking distracted. Now, however, his expression settled into one of acceptance and he said, "I will change."

"What?" Yugi said.

"You're right, that cycle was wrong. It hurt you. If changing is the only way for me to break it, I have to."

"You…you mean that?"

Yami's expression was still unusually calm, as if everything had clicked into place. And, in a way, it finally had. "Either I change, or I lose you. That's it, isn't it? I already lost you and I didn't find any deeper understanding in my life. If I can't find it out there, it must be here. I think I've known, all along…it was here." Tentatively, he took Yugi's hand again – loosely, as if he expected Yugi to pull away.

Yugi didn't. Slowly he moved in closer, gazing into Yami's eyes, looking for any sign of doubt…or maybe just trying to make up for all the lost time that he hadn't been able to see them. They were as beautiful as he remembered. "You're sure?"

"I have to at least try, don't I?"

Yugi shook his head. "You don't _have_ to. I want– but I can't order you."

Yami squeezed his hand harder. "To stay here, I have to."

Yugi couldn't hear his mantra anymore. It had faded feebly away under the weight of his longing and his hope that maybe, just maybe, there was an answer that could work for them both.

He leaned in. Yami was already leaning forward to meet him. As their lips met, Yami felt Yugi's hand on his face, caressing him as if he had to have proof that he was real. He touched his hand back as his lips parted to deepen the connection. Yearning, born of the months spent apart and the fear that had driven them there, fueled the kiss, soft and slow, still familiar after all this time.

The sound of someone clearing her throat finally distracted them. They broke and turned to see Yugi's mother standing in the doorway, grocery bags in both hands.

Yami felt his cheeks heat up, feeling like he should say something, but not knowing what. Yugi, on the other hand, seemed to be beyond embarrassment.

"He came here on his own," he said, looking radiant. "Nobody told him to. He chose to come back."

Mrs. Mutou gazed back, nodded after a moment and walked by without a word. It wasn't for being without words; she had never been known to be lacking in those. But for all the things she could say, there was one truth that stood above everything else: her son was smiling again.

Yugi turned back to Yami and embraced him as tightly as he dared, pulling him in close. Yami gladly let himself be pulled, laying his head on Yugi's shoulder. Closing his eyes, Yugi whispered into his hair, "I love you." And his heart skipped as, for the first time, he received an answer.

"I love you, too," Yami whispered back, cuddling closer. "I love you, too, Yugi."

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Er…it feels like I should say something really impressive about this one. But everything I could say I really, really hope that the chapter says for me. This chapter was one of the toughest to write and even tougher to pare back while editing. I felt like I really had to write the entire conversation for the story's sake, and not just go with a "so they talked." But their conversation was a big back-and-forth mash of "it's my fault." "No, it's my fault!" And on and on because I couldn't find a way for either of them to give in and still be in character . I did my best to edit, and still suspect it went on for far too long.

There are some gratuitous scenes in this chapter. And I think it's kind of predictable. I'm not sure if I like that. Predictable is boring. On the other hand, if people are hoping that Yami and Yugi work things out and for some optimism, then I like to think there's a sense of "hooray!" when it happens. But let's not get too settled into one ending or another yet…there's still one more chapter to go. ;3

Between final NaNoWriMo preparations and Halloween tomorrow, I know I wouldn't have any time to post. So I wish you all an early happy Halloween today!


	26. Chapter 26

**Title: **Just Don't Look Back  
**Chapter:** 26  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Angst/romance  
**Pairing: **YamixYugi  
**Overall warnings:** AU, implied sex, insanity, violence  
**Spoilers: **None.  
**Summary:** Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami's life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can't save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.

* * *

Yugi slept in on July 18th, waking up around ten and bopping out of bed. He dressed quickly, accepted a few orange slices from his mother and walked downstairs while munching. His grandfather was already settled in behind the counter, helping customers. Yugi waved hello and propped himself against the counter.

"Are you waiting on someone?" Sugoroku asked.

Yugi nodded. "Yami told me there was something he wanted to show me today. He said he'd be by around ten-thirty."

"I wish he'd come by and train the new help," Sugoroku muttered.

"Grandpa, Ari-chan is a great worker."

"Sure, but she never goes the extra mile. Yami would offer to take care of all sorts of little chores without me even having to tell him to."

"Yami was working for different reasons and needed the extra work. She has school, she can hardly be expected to handle full-time duties," Yugi replied reasonably. "You were the one who decided you didn't want to hire him back."

"He said he wanted to explore his options."

"Then let him," Yugi said, "and stop trying to get him to train your employees for you."

His grandfather knew he was teasing, but grumbled anyway. "So what is Yami coming over to show you?"

"I don't know, he said it was a secret." Yugi rocked forward on his toes, slightly restless. "He looks good now, doesn't he? Healthy again."

"If you mean not-on-the-verge-of-starvation, sure. He's still awfully scrawny if you ask me."

"Grandpa, you say that _I'm_ awfully scrawny."

"Well you are! When I was your age–"

"No, not another 'when I was your age' story, please," Yugi begged, laughing. Sugoroku smiled as he watched him. It had been awhile since he'd seen Yugi so happy. Although he had never come out and asked, he had the impression that Yugi and Yami had reached some kind of agreement. One that included kissing and hugging as much as possible, if the last couple weeks were anything to go by.

Still smiling, Yugi leaned back against the countertop. The last few weeks had not necessarily been easy, but they'd been worth it. He had hoped that Yami might move back in, but Eve had told him she was planning to move, and he had chosen to move with her into their new two-bedroom apartment and had found work in a large clothing store during the day. Yugi didn't mourn for long – Yami had his own room and his mother worked late now at a hotel. They had months to catch up on and Yugi found plenty of excuses to visit. There had already been several long afternoons spent playing games before ending up curled together on his bed.

Still, ghosts remained. Yami would often turn his head, glancing around as if some unseen person had walked by or spoken to him. He still had nightmares and there were still flashbacks. Another baby earthquake had left him hiding in a corner in tears. And all the time, but especially when he thought nobody was looking, there was a distracted appearance to his face, as if always dwelling on something. Sometimes Yugi felt as if nothing had changed at all, and the same old sickening fear would start to churn.

_What if everything goes back to the way it was?_

It was a fear he couldn't put aside and it made him go cold to think that this, like Yami's other attempts at changing, might just end in failure.

His consolation was that Yami was making efforts, if small ones. When Yugi asked him why he was upset, he answered. He no longer hid behind vague responses or lashing out. He didn't starve or refuse to sleep.

For now, Yugi was fine with taking things one day at a time. It hadn't even been a month yet since Yami had come back. Yugi was willing to give him a few months before evaluating whether or not Yami was keeping his promise to change.

The shop door opened and Yami stepped inside, waving. Yugi straightened up and dashed over for a hug.

"Hello Grandfather," Yami said, noticing him watching from over Yugi's shoulder. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," said Sugoroku. "Though, I did want to ask you–"

"You don't want to ask him anything," Yugi said, waving over his shoulder. "I'll be back later, have a good day Grandpa."

"What did he want to ask?" Yami said as he was pushed out the door and back onto the sidewalk.

"Nothing, he's fishing for free employee training." Yugi waved his hands impatiently. "Now what's the secret you wanted to show me?"

"Well…it's more like a question."

"Okay, what's the question?"

"Do you want to go on a trip?"

"A trip where?"

Yami pulled two pieces of paper out of his jacket. Yugi peered closer. _Train tickets?_

"A trip to Omachi," he said. "I…there's something I need to do."

Yugi stared. "You…want to go to Omachi?"

"Only if you want to come with me."

"Wow…Yami…"

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he added hastily. "I just–"

"No, I mean…of course I want to come with you! It just seems like such a personal trip."

Yami shook his head. "It is, but you should be there. I'll explain when we get there, okay? That is, if you're sure you want to go?"

"I'm sure." Yugi nodded and accepted his ticket. "Let's go."

* * *

On the train, Yugi wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know how to act, if this was a trip that called for light, cheerful conversation, serious conversation, or complete silence. Yami was giving no indication, staring out the window, but as time passed, Yugi noticed his eyes seemed darker. And he'd known Yami long enough to know it wasn't just a trick of the light. He tried to be quiet, but there was a question he just couldn't hold back.

"Um…Yami…?" he finally spoke up tentatively.

"Hmn?" He turned.

"Is this…I mean…have you been back to Omachi ever since…?"

He shook his head. "Not since we left. After we found out we weren't going to get any more help, there was no point in staying."

Yugi reddened. "I'm sorry…that was too personal."

"No, it's fine." He smiled slightly. "No shame in asking, remember?"

"Why haven't you been back? Because of money, or not wanting to, or…?"

"Both. I thought about it a lot. At first we didn't move far away. I could have walked back. I even tried to a few times." He paused. "I don't know…something always stopped me. Mom has been back, she invited me to come with her, but I always refused. It hurt…and I was afraid. It was a relief to move far enough away that going back would have been too much trouble."

He didn't elaborate, but Yugi understood. He could appreciate the guilt Yami might have felt, and the relief of getting away from a place so full of bad memories.

_I wonder how he'll react to finally being back._

Not wishing to let Yami know he was worried, he didn't say anything about his concerns as the train pulled up to the platform.

On the sidewalk outside the station, Yami seemed to stiffen. Yugi reached out, taking his hand gently to remind him he was there. He didn't know where they were going, so he asked, "Which direction?"

Yami looked over at a nearby street sign, and then glanced down some of the streets. "It looks a lot different…" He paused, then pointed. "That way. I'm pretty sure."

As they walked, Yugi didn't dare let go of his hand. A few times he felt Yami's grip tighten. But it wasn't till they'd made it a few blocks that Yami stopped walking, so abruptly that Yugi found himself yanked off-balance.

"Yami?"

"I'm…I'm fine." He brought one hand to his forehead. "It's just…being back here…" He gulped air, sinking to the ground.

"Yami!" Yugi knelt beside him. He knew what was happening, had expected this even, and gently shook his shoulder. "Yami?"

He was gritting his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut as the memories washed over him. Yugi's words reached him as if through a long tunnel, fading away. He struggled to stop the flashbacks trying to force themselves on him, but it was impossible.

Just, everywhere he looked…he couldn't see the houses or the street or the neatly-trimmed trees. It all morphed into broken concrete, bloodied bodies, and oily smoke. There was the taste of dust in his mouth, the dull murmur of people staggering around him in shock.

_"Mom?" he whispered through dry lips, his throat too choked and raw to raise his voice any higher. He looked around anxiously, having no idea where he was, if he was still in the refugee camp or if he had wandered out into the city. It all looked the same. He slowed to a stop, wondering how long it had been since the quake. A day? Had night fallen yet? It seemed darker. The sky had grown dark with smoke from rioters and gas explosions, and he grew dizzy if he stared too long upward in search of a clear patch. Exhaustion, hunger and terror had begun to turn him into one of the thousands of drifting souls. "Dad?"_

_"Yami?" In the distance he heard a shriek. "Yami, oh thank God…!"_

_"Mom!" Bursting into sobs he ran forward with the last of his strength, throwing his uninjured arm around her as they both sank to the ground in relief. "Mom…"_

Despite it only being an illusion, he could feel her arms as if she was there right at that moment.

"Yami?"

No…it wasn't his mother's voice he heard, it was a different voice, low and soft and comforting. It cracked the memory and reminded him that it wasn't real.

For several long moments he struggled to calm his chaotic thoughts, slowly coming back to the present to discover Yugi holding him, hugging him tightly.

"Yami, we don't have to do this," Yugi was saying, stroking his back. "We can just go back to the train station, it's no big deal. Nobody would fault you."

"No…I'm going to be okay," he finally said, pushing himself to his knees. "I just got overwhelmed for a moment…too many memories…I think I'm fine now. I expected this to happen."

"Please, don't force yourself," Yugi begged. "We can always come back later, when you feel more ready to face it."

"No." He took Yugi's hand. "Help me…stand up."

Not knowing what else to do, Yugi helped him up.

"Yami, I swear, you don't need to force yourself to do anything. I'll understand."

"I'm not forcing myself, I want to do this. I can't let the fear of this place stop me." He took a few deep breaths. "Ever since I told you about Shoua I've felt like this is something I need to do."

It was the first time since their talk that Yami had brought up Shoua. Yugi wasn't sure if he should find this encouraging or not. He chose to take it as a positive sign.

"Okay," Yugi finally said. "But if you have too many more attacks like that, we're going back. I don't care what you say. I'm not going to watch you collapse like that over and over. Got it?"

"Okay." Yami nodded, taking a step and testing his balance. He reached back out for Yugi's hand. "I'm okay. Let's keep going."

Because Yugi could tell Yami was under enough pressure, he didn't speak. Not until Yami led him to an open gate and said, his voice raw, "This is it."

Yugi looked around. He was starting to understand. "A memorial?"

Yami nodded, his voice far away. "They created this…for the earthquake victims. I've only been here once before, just before we left town."

Yugi could see a few other people around the field, some standing or kneeling, one simply walking quietly among the markers. Some graves were decorated with flowers, others left bare.

Yami's hand gripped his, leading him forward slowly. He seemed to know where he was going so Yugi followed quietly until Yami stopped. In front of them was a small row of markers, each with the surname of Atemu on them. Yugi looked at them for a moment, then looked up at Yami.

"I never…got to introduce you to my family," Yami said quietly. "I wish…"

Yugi understood what he didn't say, and squeezed his hand. "I wish too. I know I would have liked them."

He gave him a quiet smile back. "They would have liked you, too."

Then, silently, Yami let go of him, knelt, and bowed his head, and Yugi, without knowing why, followed suit. He wasn't sure what to do; the closest he'd ever gotten to honoring ancestors was the occasional festival. Yami wasn't speaking and had never brought up his family being religious, so maybe there wasn't anything specific he was supposed to say or think. After a moment he began to feel something peaceful about it, kneeling in the warm sun; a powerful, yet not entirely bad, ache in his chest as he simply allowed the importance of the moment to sink in. He felt tears under his eyelids at the sheer sadness of it, and at the same time couldn't help feeling a kind of happiness at being there to share such an important moment with Yami.

They both sat in silence until Yami softly touched his shoulder and Yugi looked up to meet his eyes.

"If it's okay…there's another grave I'd like to visit alone."

Yugi nodded. "That's fine. Go ahead, I'll wait here."

Smiling a little for Yugi's benefit, Yami stood and walked away quietly. He had never visited the grave he was looking for, but with the cemetery arranged by family name, it was easy to find. He felt his heart thump painfully as he sank to the ground at the foot of the marker.

"Shoua," he murmured, voice trembling. He felt a deep, sick feeling inside him and had to force himself not to bolt. As the urge eventually faded, he sorted through the words he'd been thinking about for weeks, ever since he'd revealed the last bit of his story to Yugi.

Then, without really planning to, he found himself speaking.

"I know I will always hold some of the blame for what happened," he whispered. "If I hadn't begged you to go to the nurse you probably would have stayed in the classroom and survived. I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry." He sighed heavily, running one hand through the grass. "But I can't let it control me anymore. Whether those dreams…really were how you feel or just my own guilty conscience…it doesn't matter. I can't fix what happened and giving in to my fears is hurting people and hurting me. Shoua, I think…if I don't let go of you, I'm going to lose everything." He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat.

"I loved you. You were my best friend. You might have been more someday, I'll never know. But soon it will be five years and I'm ready to move on. I _want_ to move on. I thought I'd finally reached the turning point once before and this just dragged me back down. I don't know how long it will be before I succeed, but I think, if I want to survive this, I have to start forgiving myself and I don't want to start doubting again. I did love you, I'll never forget you, but you belong in the past. So I have to leave you here." He stopped, feeling as if he hadn't said enough, but finding that he had nothing more to say. So he got to his feet and turned, about to walk away.

For just a moment he paused, then looked back. "Good-bye Shoua."

Although he had to wipe away tears as he began walking back to Yugi, he noticed the sickness in his chest had faded.

* * *

On the walk back to the station, Yugi didn't say anything, thinking that Yami might prefer silence after such an emotional afternoon. He wanted to ask about what happened at Shoua's grave, but didn't. As curious as he was, he'd already decided he would let Yami keep that moment personal. But they hadn't gone very far before Yami broke the silence, saying, "It was good…to come here today. This needed to be done. I'm glad you were here. I'm not sure I could have gone through with it…if you weren't."

"I'm glad I was here, too," Yugi replied softly.

"All these years I've been too scared…too scared of how much it might hurt or what it might trigger or what I might find…" He sounded thoughtful. "Just another way of running, I suppose."

Yugi squeezed his hand. Yami took a deep breath and announced, "So I've been thinking…about seeing a therapist. Or a psychiatrist actually, I guess. I think that's the right term, if I need medicine."

"What?"

"You mentioned it in the hospital, wondering if you should force me to get help. I know you weren't trying to hint at anything, but you had a good point. My mother has brought it up before too, and when I was in the hospital from the car accident, a hospital psychiatrist came to talk to me. He gave me his card and said he could recommend someone. At the time it was pointless, I knew they wouldn't have the answers. But now...I have the money for the fees and I've come here and done what needed to be done. I've been thinking it might be a good idea. I did some research, you know." He looked down at Yugi. "And I read that with the right therapy and medicine, even long-term symptoms of post-traumatic stress can get better in less than a year."

"And you're really okay with going? You aren't just forcing yourself, _you _want this?" Yugi asked, trying to hide the hopeful excitement in his voice.

"I want a turning point. I don't want whatever is inside me to screw up my life," he said. "I almost lost you because of all of this and I need to do something soon. I don't know if I'll ever be completely okay. There might be too much history there. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but I should give it a try, because if things get even a little better, that's a plus."

"Yeah…I guess that's true." Yugi felt a little of his excitement wane, knowing that was the truth all along. Some sicknesses never went away. Yami noticed and stopped walking, taking both of Yugi's hands.

"But regardless, I do think that things will get better now. Maybe not perfect, but better. I think I can forgive myself. Apparently, that's the first step. And I owe this to you." He let him go, putting both arms around Yugi and embracing him suddenly. "Yugi…I like to think that in time I could have fixed everything by myself. But without you, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'd be someplace…much worse."

Yugi hugged him back as Yami's voice broke. "It wasn't just me," he said. "If you hadn't fought for this, nothing I did would have helped. You're the one who made the difference, Yami. I'm just glad…that you did."

He suddenly felt himself being lifted up as Yami swung him into his arms and kissed him softly. Despite himself, Yugi laughed and kissed him back. But it wasn't until they broke apart that Yugi saw something that caused complete, shining happiness to wash over him. Yami was smiling.

Yugi reached out to touch his cheek, smiling back. It was the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen, even from Yami. His eyes weren't only bright; they were alive again, lit by the fire that he'd seen there when they first met.

There were no guarantees. Yugi was still afraid of what the future may or may not bring; after worrying the way he had for months, it was a hard fear to let go of. This was love, but he knew that alone wasn't necessarily enough. The day might come again when one or both had to let go and he understood that, but he _wanted _this to work. Right now, he could believe that it would.

Yami felt the difference as well. As he stood on the sidewalk in a town he barely recognized, surrounded by strangers and memories, he found himself feeling happier than he could remember. It almost felt as if he would just burst out laughing at the sheer thrill he got from feeling so happy about absolutely nothing. All he could do was gaze back at Yugi.

The demons were there inside him whether he liked it or not and he could either let them win or fight them. In the end, those had always been the only two options. But only now did he realize that whatever future came from it was _his_ choice, not the demons'.

Yugi could live without him. He didn't have to want him in his life and yet, despite the pain Yami had caused him, he'd given him a fair chance. A fair chance Yami didn't even feel he deserved, but Yugi had given it to him anyway.

For that, Yami would fight. For that smile and that kindness and that heart which had captured his own, he would fight for as long as it took.

"Thank you," he finally whispered, before capturing Yugi's lips again in a far more passionate, but just as soft kiss. Yugi took one last look before his eyelids fluttered shut and he melted into his lips. And Yugi wanted to thank Yami too, wanted to thank him for coming back, for accepting help, for doing what must have been painful because Yugi had asked him to, but to speak meant he'd have to stop kissing him.

And that was a sacrifice he didn't feel like making quite yet.

- Owari -

X - X - X

* * *

**Notes:** Looking back, this is almost more of an epilogue than a final chapter.

Yeah, I know there's some cheesiness, but…I happen to like a little bit of cheese at the end of my angsty romance. x3

With Coming Forth by Sundown I had fun listing the previous ending possibilities. Truth is, this fic has undergone so many changes I'm not even sure I can remember them all. It was a long journey to get to here from the original version of 2007. (Which had the working title Nature's Fury and no planned ending. Though I had a vague idea of either a happily-ever-after ending in which everything was lovely and Yami somehow magically healed forever…OR Yugi dying in another earthquake and Yami being locked in an asylum after losing it for good. …So yeah.)

As it has come to an end, I would love to hear your thoughts on the fic as a whole, rather than on just this chapter. I have loved and valued every encouraging comment and bit of concrit you all have sent so far, and although there won't be another author's notes for me to gush at you in, I appreciate your thoughts on the fic now more than ever. Your feedback ensures that I improve as a writer, and that is a priceless gift. It is, after all, Thanksgiving, and I am truly thankful to you all for your support. 3

An extra-special thank you goes out to my beta reader Micah, who had to put up with entirely too much "Waah, everything I write is horrible angstangstangst!" anguish from me, and without whom this fic would not be what it is.

Thank you all again so much for your support. I hope to hear from you on future fics!


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